The power base is contravening their expected strategy to avoid short-term loan options, which is what we’re certainly facing at this juncture. Unless Gordo has a cheeky scheme to raid some Prem clubs of the talent left out of the compulsory 25-man rosters. Loan activity at this level commences 08 Sep 10…a consternated support base eagerly awaits the possibilities for additions prior to the next must-get-a-result outing at QPR.

Vic was gracious enough to elucidate on the net spend since January - the numbers assuage some concerns and potential stigmas…here’s our evocative reply to the post-transfer window postmortem:

Looking at the numbers makes me feel a bit better – such a more positive outlook when including the wage savings from the old big-time earners…

I can’t help but thinking of another area we’ll soon be more deficient in: having/developing marketable players…Wheats has to be the only one of the academy lads who could command a nice transfer fee…Steele may get there soon enough, but after that, who? Any of Park/Pilatos/Luke Williams?

As far as first-teamers and squad players, GON remains the primary attraction – his valuation has dipped to the 2.5m range at best…Boyd would be a profit cos of the free…we could possibly recoup the McDonald spend too…

Gordo ideally wanted to eschew the loan market in favour of weaving together an impenetrable squad…he has to rely on it now – a few more able-bodied mercenaries semi-committed to the cause…

A few more late-week Boro tidbits:

• The second monthly shirt sponsor has been unveiled, and it generated considerable buzz…
• International break – Euro 2012 qualification begins this weekend – the bravehearts aren’t the only ones away on duty…
• Lithuania v Scotland - Robbo and Mick start for the absolutely critical opener away in Kaunas  
• Estonia v Italy – shoot-on-sight livewire Tarmo Kink features for the hosts as they host 2006 WC champions, and 2010 WC laughingstocks, Italy

And finally, an offering to the football blogging deities, hoping beyond hope that we’ll be rescued from the ennui of a cubicle-based work existence…some tossed together notes strained from the frankly wonderful commentary of the local Barnsley radio coverage streamed on that dastardly justin.tv:

Kris Boyd – Tykes commentators/contributors: ‘Boyd born offside’ – a few good half-chances – sliced a really good open chance 10 feet past Luke Steele’s post – ran hard and got into decent positions

Robbo – cracking 25 yd effort saved in the second half – quite active overall – much better individually after Sheffield United

Kink – continued to build confidence – more pops from distance that have increased in marginal success – escaped punishment for coming back onto the pitch after treatment prematurely, w/ out ref consent

post match inquests w/ Gordon Cox:

Gordo: not very contrite – keeper made great saves – away support was brilliant…disappointed for them – unhappy times at the moment – keep working, hope the luck will change and performances improve – I have a ‘terrific life’…didn’t seemed too bothered by the context of a dreadful start

Wheats: couldn’t get the ball to wide men from the back – balls out of play – worked on the crosses extensively in training – keep grafting/training hard – revelation about the first goal from set-piece

callers: where’s his passion – fight! – he sounds like an outsider – no passion for the cause – Kevin Fucking Keegan? – that trumps the outlandish demand for Maradona – Rioch was frequently outraged at the rubbish results and risible performances…he ripped into his teams accordingly

GG sews it up: work very hard in the next 2 weeks boys – in the midfield, when Barnsley lost the ball they battled and willed themselves to win it back…we gave up and looked ragged, lost the shape and were totally overran

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2. Boro Fever Overcomes Preston And Midfield Cover For A Month
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Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Middlesbrough – Oakwell

If the Tykes want a cup tie they’re going to get one says Gordon Strachan…Boro continue to tinker with their formations in search of some shape and attacking stability…midfield help is en route from Germany in the form of Hamburg’s itinerant Senegal international Mickael Tavares…Barnsley have yet to live up to early season promise as a playoff contender…Barnsley 1-2 Boro

Derby v QPR – Pride Park

Adel Taarabt is the second coming of Cristiano Ronaldo…Neil Warnock is taking Rangers back to the promised land…they play the most expansive football in the division…blah blah blah…wake us when they’re sweating on the outskirts of the top 6 come March…Derby 2-0 QPR

Doncaster v Hull – Keepmoat Stadium

The home side will take their hammerings, as they did last week in Wales…it proves as no deterrent for the slick brand of football Rovers like to espouse…Nigel Pearson undoubtedly has the resources and nous to stabilize leaky Hull…they strike us as a bit of a wildcard – you don’t quite know what to expect, especially away from home…Doncater 2-1 Hull

Ipswich v Bristol City – Portman Road

Roy certainly is rolling: a bright start to the campaign, currently in fifth position, superfluous Jon pair of Stead and Walters flogged off for needed dosh…a towering dread-locked striker procured from Wigan…things are progressing well for Town…Bristol City are still trying to find their feet after the Coppell disaster as they leak goals at an alarming rate…Ipswich 1-0 Bristol City

Millwall v Coventry – The Den

We reckon Marlon King may not be in the crowd for this one…surely a good kicking awaits if he’s daft enough…the Sky Blues are set for one too as Millwall continue to acclimatize to their new surroundings nicely…Millwall 3-1 Coventry

Nottingham Forest v Norwich – City Ground

Tough sledding for Forest so far…is Billy Davies furtively packing up his things little by little, or will he just sod it all and hope Forest ship his possessions out via courier to his forwarding address on file in human resources? Norwich are off to a flyer like their promoted bretheren…Nottingham Forest 0-0 Norwich

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Dave Jones has zero sympathy for Pompey…maybe your heart goes into the deep freeze when your club is continually skint, you can’t afford remedial repairs to the pitch, and you’ve personally endured allegations of being dangerous to children? Portsmouth 1-1 Cardiff

Scunthorpe v Crystal Palace – Glanford Park

The Iron will survive if they maintain knocking off the bigger clubs who can’t match their austere and prudent approach to running a football club…Crystal Palace is another prime, attainable target…and Glanford Park can be a fun fortress…Scunthorpe 2-0 Crystal Palace

Sheffield United v Preston – Bramall Lane

Ferg Jr got a much needed result last week v Portsmouth…he’ll lead the Lillywhites into Bramall Lane hoping to extend the Blades early misery, and make the curve for new gaffer Gary Speed noticeably sharper…based on their display at the Riverside – and both teams were culpable – he’s got a job to do…Sheffield United 1-1 Preston

Swansea v Burnley – Liberty Stadium

The Clarets have hit the ground running – as expected in most footballing circles…Swansea’s transition under Brendan Rodgers shouldn’t be a transition at all really since the club was steadfast in appointing a new manager keen on proliferating their patented possession approach…some remain underwhelmed by the Carnlough Mourinho…scalping the visitors could go some way to altering that mindset…Swansea 2-1 Burnley

Watford v Leeds United – Vicarage Road

A top ten tussle in Hertfordshire, though for how long remains to be seen…Malky Mackay has his young tribe overachieving early…Simon Grayson just got attacking reinforcement in the shape of Scotland international striker Ross McCormack…we like the newcomers to nick a jammy win…Watford 0-1 Leeds United

5.20p

Leicester v Reading – The Walkers Stadium

Mouthwatering…sumptuous…eye-catching…adjectives not quite appropriate for these two given their pedigree and level of expectation…still, they’re our tips for fouth and third respectively…if it came down to barnets and overall looks amongst the gaffers the Foxes win every damn time…Leicester 2-1 Reading

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What a difference 53 hours makes…except it wasn’t so different. It was really more of the same – a pedestrian and laboured performance, this time punished by a bubbling side who cleaned up their chances and exerted pressure on the visitors. The Sunday league showcase versus Sheffield United proved valuable because it displayed that Boro can win very ugly games, just like the Carling Cup tie last night at the New Den illustrated how the attack still needs sorting – distribution and service from the wide positions has been atrocious – for it cannot always rely on a stingy and stout defence during increasingly desperate and barren spells.

We belatedly offer prized post-match thoughts from Sunday…post-return-to-sleep-after-515a-local-match-start-time thoughts actually:

Woeful match – terrific result. The gaffer has made no secrets that he is supremely uninterested in producing a performance pleasing to the eye if it means we get sod all from the match. Boyd’s supposition on Radio Brownlee the other night was bang on: it’s just 11 guys trying to win a fitba game…

The absence of Mosso – ruptured motherboard – reduced our participation to incredulous internet streams and a rolling Twitter feed…our favourite ex-Rangers blog contributor took quite the pounding from anyone with a mobile and a #boro tag, up until he displayed that excellent predation…

The gamble to throw Halliday and Kink right out there was bold and pleasing…their performances weren’t as optimistic, but their remains the belief that they’ll get stuck in soon enough and play important roles. The Argentina-inspired back line of four central defenders worked a treat too – Kilgallon lent some professionalism to the left back slot and Bates was really good from our vantage. Full credit to Jason Steele too…he’s gripping the chance afforded to him and immersing very well at this level…

Let’s keep building on the positive results in hope that they breed greater confidence and expressionism out on the pitch…

And go ahead – you can cheat off our Spartan match notes too…

Steele; Bates, Wheater, McManus (c), Kilgallon;  Kink, Robson, Bailey, Halliday; Boyd, McDonald

• Wheats only Boro player to start in last fixture between two clubs – 16 Jan 10 – 1-0 Sheff Utd
• 20 mins in – sloppy play from hosts – too many misplaced passes
• Riverside is embarrassingly empty – 14633
• decent 3 min spell around 32 mins – everything strafes the box though, not penetrating enough – balls from the edges by Kilgallon, McDonald…Kink has a 25 yard pop that sails well over
• a banner proclaiming ‘The New Firm’ is caught by the television cameras
• HT – Boro 0-0 Sheff Utd
• deceiving stats – Boro bossing possession 56-44
• Arca on – Kink off
• awful service from the flanks – crosses not beating the first man – easily cut out by the defence
• 52 mins – GOAL – Kris Boyd – Boro 1-0 Sheff Utd – clanger from Chris Morgan – Boydy pounces and beats the advancing Simonsen
• 70 mins – Lita on – Boyd off
• Halliday looks well overmatched – crosses aren’t getting through and he’s being shrugged and strong-armed off the ball often…
• 79 mins – Taylor on – Halliday off
• MOM – Arca – Steele was impressive if largely untested…Bates really good too

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1. gives a tantalising taste of the upcoming league action, replete with unique commentary and obvious assertions
2. broadcasts our ineptitude at prognostications of any sporting kind
3. a cheap way to file 600 or so words and stay on the cusp of relevance

Saturday

12.15p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

Both dumped out of the Carling Cup at the first time of asking…more time to focus on the imminent lower-to-mid table scrap…Derby will summon the courage for another good early away result…Coventry 1-1 Derby

12.30p

Leeds United v Millwall – Elland Road

Surprisingly it’s Millwall who are the newly promoted side off to a rollicking start – a pair of tonkings meted out to the Bristol City and Hull, all without conceding a league goal…that changes after this affair…Leeds Utd 3-1 Millwall

3.00p

Bristol City v Barnsley – Ashton Gate

Both of these clubs were tipped for success early on, though Bristol may be erased by some now given the early upheaval…they fail to recall the cracking form achieved during Keith Millen’s spell at the end of last season…Barnsley will be difficult to predict all season…Bristol City 1-0 Barnsley

Burnley v Leicester – Turf Moor

Oh that devilish Paulo Sousa…Leicester deserved to beat Boro…don’t make us go hating your sexy ass…Burnley will be there all year long, as will the Foxes…Burnley 2-0 Leicester

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

That’s right, Craig Bellamy appears to have strong-armed Manchester City into sending him home for a season to tear up a league incapable of neutralising him and got them to pay a large percentage of his wages…not bad for a club who by all rights should have been severely punished, if not liquidated, for repeated financial transgressions…Cardiff 4-1 Doncaster

Crystal Palace v Ipswich – Selhurst Park

Palace finally emerge from the administration mire…Roy Keane meanwhile is still cross about something, this time the lack of action in the transfer market…that cash from the Jon Walters sale is just sitting there too…buy someone, do it for the supporters! Crystal Palace 1-1 Ipswich

Hull v Watford – KC Stadium

Hull are skint, yet they managed to just procure the services of former Arsenal prodigy Jay Simpson…Watford snagged their own young tyro…some chap called Josh Walker…hmmm…Hull 2-0 Watford

Norwich v Swansea – Carrow Road

No, new honourary club ambassador Stephen Fry will not be suiting up for Paul Lambert, though we’d reckon his size and pleasant demeanour would flummox the visitors…Norwich 1-0 Swansea

Preston v Portsmouth – Deepdale

Gregg Roughley cockteased us with a missive on the increasing pressure facing Ferg Jr…a loss here condemns the Lillywhites to a positively dreadful start…Portsmouth have managed okay early doors despite meagre resources…Preston 0-1 Portsmouth

QPR v Scunthorpe – Loftus Road

Rangers are absolutely flying under Neil Warnock, cup defeat to Port Vale aside…ole Neil reckons they’re far from the finished article, but he’s fooling no one…Scunthorpe adorably claw and struggle…QPR 2-1 Scunthorpe

Reading v Nottingham Forest – Madejski Stadium

Languid starts from a pair of forecasted playoff sides…the seat under Billy Davies gets progressively warmer and the urge to bolt increases…Reading will be just fine with their stable of starlets…Reading 2-0 Nottingham Forest

Sunday

13.15p

Middlesbroughv Sheffield United – Riverside Stadium

Expect the sheen of Gary Speed’s debut a gaffer to be counteracted by the performance of a former Blades player, Matt Kilgallon…the defender on-loan from Sunderland is expected to go straight into Gordo’s side for a bit of calm and professionalism in the left back berth…it starts with this match – Mission: Promotion…Boro 2-0 Sheffield United

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The speed and providence of his dealings in the summer transfer window provide limitless optimism at a pivotal time in club history. Six new signings, and counting: Andy Halliday, Steve McManus, Nicky Bailey, Kris Boyd, Kevin Thomson, Tarmo Kink – a rather substantial outlay at this level at just about £10m – all designed to help achieve promotion now. The parachute money runs out, and the future relegated sides will have more dosh for a longer period…a decided disadvantage for the have-nots of English football.

But it’s not just internal optimism within the club and its diaspora – here’s what some of our preferred reads think about the upcoming campaign:

Resident BBC Football League virtuoso Steve Claridge in no way exerts extra pressure on Kris Boyd by labeling Boro’s capture as the ‘signing of the decade’

Rob Nichols of legendary Boro fanzine Fly Me To The Moon pens the local entry into the Guardians’ supporter-driven Championship look ahead…John Ashdown also registers his thoughts more prominently on the earth-friendly virtual pages emanating from King’s Cross

Roll on Saturday – visuals might be procured illegally somewhere on the interweb, but the diehards will be filing into their seats at the virtual terrace that is the gazettelive.co.uk’s live Boro blog w/ ringleader Anthony Vickers

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Boro – ‘an ambitious football club’…it feels terrific saying and hearing that…a proper half-cocked look ahead to the new campaign should be available later this week

Millwall – a bit of an unknown – I reckon you get beat up pretty quickly if you stray too far from the New Den, but as for the footie, there’s Steve Morison and Neil Harris banging in goals, and the omnipotent on-field leadership of club captain Paul Robinson…Kenny Jackett has plenty of options in his arsenal…a comfortable mid-table finish wouldn’t be a gross overachievement considering…

Norwich – tremendous turnaround in the last 12 months: get thrashed 7-1 by Colchester, at home, upon their League One return, sack manager Bryan Gunn , hire Paul Lambert – the man responsible for the beatdown that prompted outrage across Norfolk – then go and win the fecking league and get promoted back to the Championship…Old Farm derbies versus Ipswich Town return…Wes Hoolahan is a natural talent on the attacking left, and Grant Holt absolutely murdered goals last season…Simeon Jackson was brought in from Gillingham to add depth, and maybe even some competition for club top scorer, wresting it from the captain number nine…

Nottingham Forest – Billy Davies nervously laughs off the perceived incompetence of his advisory board…he wants players, can’t get no money for them, then casually bends the ear of anyone willing to listen about the whole injustice of it all…a hearty favourite for first-to-get-the-sack if things go pear-shaped early at the City Ground…his accomplishments at this level are well-respected, it’s just he doesn’t tend to stay around very long…

Portsmouth – in a world of fucking hurt…their North American death trip was bad beyond belief, and their rumoured to be hit with a 20 point deduction – possibly even liquidation…those near and dear to the club are bracing for another precipitous drop…but hey, at least Kanu will still be around…

Preston - Alan Irvine was harshly dismissed during a sour patch, and boy wonder Darren Ferguson swooped in amid some controversy: tapping up his former players…some of their wags too if the virtually gossip was to be believed…Ferg Jr couldn’t spin any immediate magic, even with the rich loan resources afforded thanks to purple papa…up until now his time in charge has focused on spouting post-match nonsense and eliminating those ill suited for his style of play

QPR – old Neil Warnock took the challenge – expertly disguised as a satchel full of bundles of crisp notes – across town and went poaching his old Crystal Palace and Sheffield United players…Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Paddy Kenny, players he’s comfortable with…sounds like a transfer policy Boro fans are learning to embrace…and it’s fun listening to him talk…affable, controversial, frank…

Reading – prime contender for automatic promotion – a fantastic array of skilled and admired players including Gylfi Sigurosson, Jobi McAnuff, Shane Long, Jimmy Kebe, Adam Federici…the change in fortune from when Brian McDermott took over is a sweet confection Reading fans will not want to relinquish…they’re expected to hit the ground running and challenge all season for the title

Scunthorpe – is their magic act coming to a conclusion? Gary Hooper was finally flogged, and Paul Hayes went to Preston…Nigel Adkins will have to buckle the belt a tad tighter this term – staying up will be another small miracle in North Lincolnshire

Sheffield United - they certainly do embrace the style that typically embodies this league: gritty, robust, and brawny…ostensible skills: none really come to mind, other than kicking lumps out of the opposition and boring the pants off of spectators…Daniel Bogdanovic is in from Barnsley for goals, and the man Kevin Blackwell heralded as his January transfer target, Mark Yeates, remains in the fold…

Swansea – the dashing, jet-setting, champagne-drinking Iberian playboy that casually hits on all the wives and girlfriends has gone, off to pillage the birds of Leicester…from what we hear of new gaffer Brendan Rodgers the latent narcissism will still pervade – a Guardian poster recently quipped that the failed Reading boss would marry himself if it were legal…the slick and caressing passing game first introduced by ESPN heartthrob Roberto Martinez shall remain, it’s now the embraced ideology decrees chairman Huw Jenkins, with or without predatory full back Angel Rangel, target of future Championship opponents Blackpool…

Watford – the key for Malky Mackay is the loan market – if big four starlets like Tom Cleverley and Henri Lansbury, or any other of their contemporaries, continue their on-the-job training at Vicarage Road, then perhaps the Hornets can battle for a near-mid table finish…otherwise, the slog could be long and rough…ludicrous prediction: Gareth Southgate will manage this club before the end of the season…

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This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

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Group A – South Africa, France, Uruguay, Mexico

Winner: France

Runner-up: Uruguay

France embraces the conversion to a 4-3-3, but Djibril Cisse gets the adulation, not Nic or Thierry, by netting pivotal goals that see Les Bleus through – one to sink the hosts in a dream-crushing defeat, and another much more magical, condemning Mexico to a risible finish at the foot of the group…Uruguay ride the fire-power of Forlan and Suarez to a respectable second place…South Africa infatuates ever so briefly, but not even the    pure class of Steven Pienaar can rescue their hopes of advancement, extinguishing the din of the vuvuzela…briefly

Group B – Argentina, Nigeria, Greece, South Korea

Winner: Argentina

Runner-up: Nigeria

Sod the football, consider the culinary smorgasbord: prized Argentine beef fire-roasted to perfection; more, spicier barbeque delights from the Koreans; smart and tasty Mediterranean fare from the skint Greeks; exotic and soulful Nigerian pepper pot…it’ll sound even better after beers in the early desert midweek morning…

Group C – England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia

Winner: England

Runner-up: United States

So folks seem to think the U.S. can spring a surprise, like when Portugal was shocked in 2002…we do agree that the touch-paper could be lit w/ cantankerous starlets like Michael Bradley set to test the limits of Wazza’s temper…it will be the match of the group for sure, though Algeria and Slovenia shouldn’t be overlooked – the former pipped Egypt in an incendiary sudden death showdown in Omdurman, the latter outlasting Russia over two legs in a European qualifying play-off…it’s the second finals appearance for the nascent nation formed only in 1992 after the dissolution of Yugoslavia…

Group D – Germany, Serbia, Ghana, Australia

Winner: Serbia

Runner-up: Ghana

The thinking mans’ group of death; Germany and their ruthless efficiency are a given, however no Michael Ballack will be crippling…Ghana appear the most well rounded of the African contingent – no worries about the Essien absence, Kevin Prince-Boateng shall shine…Australia are like an Asian Ireland-light – plenty of good footballers, but a bewildering dearth of overall quality…Serbia is where it’s at – they’ll top this group, and if you disagree Nemanja Vidic will elbow you in the bonce

Group E – Netherlands, Denmark, Cameroon, Japan

Winner: Netherlands

Runner-up: Denmark

Of course the Dutch are stunningly sexy with their terrific kits and regal, attacking football…we’re coming around on Denmark though, if only because we must be a closet Nicklas Bendtner fan…exceptional skill for a hunky oaf – and he bangs top Danish socialites too…Cameroon and kamikaze Japan are entertaining filler too…they’ll both indulge the Dutchies and spray some goals around

Group F – Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia

Winner: Paraguay

Runner-up: Italy

Slovakia topped their group, as tepid as it was, but Paraguay impressed highly in CONMEBOL qualification…even without talisman Salvador Cabanas unavailable due to gunshot-to-the-head knack, we like Guaranies chances…Santa Cruz and Cardozo are more than capable to conjure goals…Italy will creak through with discomforting ease…and we’re modifying that old All Blacks top into a football appropriate garment, replete w/ a Killen – 10 emblazoned haphazardly on the back

Group G – Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea

Winner: Brazil

Runner-up: Portugal

Sven says no one is talking about North Korea…they play good football contends the lothario…you’re not in Pyongyang anymore man, and they can’t get to you! Didier Drogba’s mangled elbow tonks any chance the Ivorians had…Brazil and Portugal will use this occasion as a recital for the latter stages…and not even the gun-toting despotic Kim Jong-il in a lone striker role can propel the testy, ill-informed comrades to any semblance of happiness or glory

Group H – Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras

Winner: Spain

Runner-up: Switzerland

Naturally Spain will boss this – never mind about any perceived Cesc distractions…svengali Wenger has the lad’s future sorted, however sex trade-related and pederast that sounds…the assembly line of talent at Del Bosque’s disposal doesn’t even have room for Marcos Senna for fucks sake! Chile are feared to be swashbuckling w/ Bielsa’s vaunted 3-3-1-3, but without a Humberto Suazo ballast their hopes could crumble fail faster than a top kill maneuver…and Honduras just being here is plenty to salve the political strife, whatever the method/medium…the fact it’s an almighty global football carnival is merely a generous bonus…

Feel free to add your own pithy commentary…next we sort the knockout stages and crown the first champion on fertile African soil

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What better time then to measure the remnants, reel off the rejects, and fawn over who we think Gibbo should be cutting summer transfer checks to?

Strachan’s Spine

Barry Robson – a man by which all others should be measured

Scott McDonald – gratefully, for us anyway, cut loose from Aussie national team before World Cup 2010…he can get fit w/ us and do the business next season

Steve McManus – still on loan from Celtic, Mick cancelled his New York holiday w/ the missus to join boot camp…everyone knows we want him permanently

Faithful Men

Chris Killen - a valuable target man…leading the Kiwi line in SA

Willo Flood – Vic says he looks like a product of an Irn Bru and crisps diet…we say a buzzing badass who can badger and harass the opposition

Emanuel Pogatetz – not under contract, but Gordo loves his leadership…he’ll have to take a massive pay cut to stay though

Brad Jones – can he shake the laughingstock label? probably not – some folks will never come around, but he did turn in some commanding performances after the recall…

Danny Coyne - didn’t really do anything wrong…was solid virtually every time called upon…scapegoated for the Derby display…still a competent deputy

Get To Know Them Better

Tony McMahon - foot injury torpedoed his audition for the new gaffer…surely he’ll love Macca’s grit the same way most supporters do?

Matthew Bates – fragility will be his undoing…decent player, and versatile…sadly he’s flimsier than the slinky top Lindsay Lohan donned in her recent court appearance

Seb Hines – is it just us, or has he played pretty well whenever called upon in the last three-plus years? he’s a tad dainty though too…

Testicles Are Descending

Jonathan Franks – love his pace…really developing as an exciting, attacking winger

Luke Williams – tremendous potential…we’ve said it before: everyone is pulling for this kid

Rhys Williams – a stalwart by comparison, being the first choice right back for Oz and all…really tidy in our midfield

Andy Halliday – a coup of sorts – we beat off some serious Prem competition for the lad…here’s hoping the assembly line of Livi talent continues

We’d Love To, But…

David Wheater – the rampant interest in Craig Dawson leads many to speculate Wheats can be had…it’s evolving into another Cattermole situation; get the lad away from the pressures of playing for his local pro club? hopefully not…unless we could trouser £5-6m for him

Gary O’Neil - free from the escalator clause shackles – we say he’s really available…like  that friend of your missus in from out of town, looking for a great guy because she has a schedule and everything…and sex on a first date happens sometimes….

Leroy Lita – don’t forget your top…

Justin Hoyte – duped by Voyeur again!

Jonathan Grounds – young…English…young…that’s about it

Julio Arca – you had a great run in the north-east of England mate…now go on back to Velez Sarsfield or something

Andrew Taylor – he has non-football ventures…good for him

Didier Digard – we like him…he is a bit of a pussy though

Joe Bennett – despite all the promise and ability, his auditions in both the left back and left midfield berths were largely woeful…how many more chances has he got?

Josh Walker – comments after a decent performance against Peterborough at home were painfully succinct: he doubts he has a future here

Not Gordo’s Type

Jeremie Aliadiere – more fragile than the Greek economy, just what is it he excels at? falling over and dreadful decision making top our list…

Chris Riggott – committed professional, until asked to take a pay cut…one of the last links to Eindhoven…

Marvin Emnes – 12 years into our Pro Evo franchise – working on a 4th straight league title thank you very much – and he’s still banging them in for Sparta Rotterdam…his form on the upcoming Bundesliga Zwei themed soccer sim should be scintillating

The Riddle Wrapped In A Mystery Flaky Pastry Crust, Drenched In Enigma

Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid…Mido – rumour has it he’ll come back if no better offers are unearthed…we can’t see it…we can see McAllister and Pendrey park-benching him in training and Gordo raining blows on the husky malcontent…

Objects Of Affection

Craig Dawson – player of the season in League Two after helping Rochdale to their first promotion in aeons…initial offer of £750k knocked back

Garry Kenneth – Dundee Utd defensive midfielder that new boss Peter Houston is determined to hold on to…or at least force us to pay inflated fees

Craig Conway – the sexier of the Dundee Utd duo…25 year old winger who can add much needed depth and experience in MF…

Gary Hooper – Scunthorpe goal ace is still being tracked by several clubs…maybe just one more season of copious goals at this level though to be entirely certain he’s the real thing

Kevin Thomson – Rangers hard man – not very attack-minded: 4 goals in 151 league appearances…thank you Walter Smith for rejecting our recent overtures

Go On, Give ‘Em A Bell

Robert Koren - knows what it takes to get out of this league (and sadly how to get relegated straight back)…captain of Slovenia, classy midfielder…we’d have at least texted him already

Daniel Bogdanovic – Maltese goal falcon…14 goals for Barnsley this past season…ideal cover for Mac, don’t you think?

Liam Lawrence – a stretch for sure, especially after a bright display in the Ireland/Paraguay friendly earlier this week…thoughts of a Robbo/Lawro midfield already give us tingles in our trousers…probably won’t happen though….Mick McCarthy is slicking his hair and straightening his tie in advance to woo the lad…

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The bonus we failed to initially see amidst the miasma: we’re tastily unencumbered for the spectacle…booze can flow as freely as she pleases…and this will be an unfiltered platform completely unfit for the fastidious confines of hippie journalism.

For context, the draft consists of: the country you support, relationship to it, why you’re fit, and how will your squad do…

United States

Citizen

2006 was my Year Zero. The WC just ended and the thirst for sport, culture and fraternity unlike any other coarsed through me, leading to an unlikely alignment w/ Middlesbrough FC.

The joy derived in the last four years has been exhilarating – countless hours spent banging and clicking away to minute-by-minutes and clockwatches covering everything from European championships/African Cup of Nations/Champions League/Uefa-Europa League/top Prem tussles and relegation rumbles. And that’s just a fraction of what’s consumed daily. I’ve regained the journalistic spark that was thought to have burned out long ago.

Allow me to provide desert-tinged colour, to augment the fans’ network, to assist The Guardian in proffering the best, most diverse coverage of world’s premier sporting event.

What constitutes success for the US this time around? There certainly aren’t the inflated expectations that may have hindered performances in Germany.

Qualification appeared easy and to the preferred script, but the top spot out of CONCACAF was secured in jammy fashion. It took a late goal from left back Jonathan Bornstein to cap off a fierce rally in Washington D.C., earning a 2-2 draw with Costa Rica that – coupled with a surprising Mexico draw in Port of Spain against Trinidad & Tobago – saw the Yanks top the group. Incidentally, the Bornstein goal also allowed Honduras to qualify when allied with their positive result versus El Salvador. Expect many baby Jonathans’ spreading from San Pedro Sula to Tegucigalpa come July – his name was chanted in an around Estadio Olimpico Metropolitano.

Bob Bradley has a good spine to build on: Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore up front, Landon Donovan supporting, Michael Bradley paces the midfield, with Tim Howard in goal. Fairly settled at the back too – Oguchi Onyewu should be fit, with Steve Cherundolo, Carlos Bocanegra, Jay DeMerit, and Jonathan Spector lending loads of experience. Ricardo Clark, Jose Francisco Torres, Maurice Edu, and Bolton midfielder Stuart Holden, if his health is rude, are the balance of midfield candidates.

England should walk the group, leaving a tense tangle between three fairly even sides, irrespective of FIFA rankings, coefficients, and cold buffet consumption. How we stand up in the opening match may not matter, as long as we do the business against the Slovenians and Algerians. With the top contributions of Howard, Dempsey, Donovan – albeit briefly – and others in Europe’s top flight leagues, a solid finish in South Africa will placate the minds and perhaps even start a movement to abolish ’soccer’, and adopt, gulp, real football.

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