Saturday

12.30p

Everton v Chelsea – Goodison Park

Suddenly this match becomes an open forum to speculate about when Fernando Torres will finally complete his dream move to the Chavs…1-2

12.50p

Swansea v Leyton Orient – Liberty Stadium

Lost amid Spurs and West Ham’s obsequious pursuit to inhabit the Olympic Stadium is the club with a most convincing geographical right to freely gripe; this is their backyard…how serendipitous would it be for the O’s to nick a win, keep their cup run going, and draw more publicity to their plight? 2-3

1.00p

Aston Villa v Blackburn – Villa Park

The best thing we’ve heard recently: Gary Glitter wants to replace Ged Houllier after learning the Villa strike force could be Young, Bent, and (possibly) Keane…2-0

3.00p

Birmingham v Coventry – St. Andrew’s

Despite progressing to the Carling Cup final Alex MacLeish is in peril; once-promised transfer funds from Hong Kong huckster Carson Yeung haven’t materialized, and league form is slipping to a dangerous standard that seriously jeopardises continued membership in the Prem…2-1

Bolton v Wigan – Reebok Stadium

David Wheater, the new Bolton Boulder, may get his unveiling…Wigan remain a transfer bane – now they want to poach Lethal Leroy Lita…not a fucking chance…3-1

Burnley v Burton Albion – Turf Moor

Shaun Harrad misses out on another opportunity to despatch a high-profile opponent after securing a move to Northampton Town…new Burnley boss Eddie Howe must be torn between embarking on a boosting cup run or engineering a push up into the top six to regain top flight riches…2-0

Sheffield Wednesday v Hereford – Hillsborough

Alan Irvine is another Scot being victimised by his colonial wanker masters…Paul Ince is the hot name to take over if there is upheaval at Hillsborough…1-0

Stevenage v Reading – Broadhall Way

Be on alert Scott Laird – who knows how many birds you’ve wronged in your campaign of heartbreak? 3-2

Torquay v Crawley Town – Plainmoor

Crawley tried to sign Robert Pires…and Dan Walker is a massive supporter…that’s all we’ve got…1-1

Watford v Brighton – Vicarage Road

A pair of high-flying sides that play attractive, enterprising football…Danny Graham and Marvin Sordell comprise arguably the finest upfront tandem in their league…2-0

Southampton v Man Utd – St. Mary’s

Wanted to watch the 1976 FA Cup final edition of his match earlier tonight, but commitments to an early decade political thriller juggernaut overrode it…DVR please? 1-2

Sunday

Arsenal v Huddersfield – Emirates Stadium

Arsenal. Whine. Cesc Fabregas. Yawn. Wenger. Shut the fuck up. 3-0

Wolverhampton v Stoke – Molineaux

Someone remind Mick McCarthy and Tony Pulis that there is no ‘well earned point’ on offer in this one…one of these lot must win, however unfashionably it may be…2-1

Notts County v Man City – Meadow Lane

What could have been a glistening Sven retrospective technically still is, even if the ligonberry lothario won’t truly be there…or maybe he will, the man knows a lot of people…and he never shuts off a totty pipeline…2-2

West Ham v Nottingham Forest – Upton Park

Gary O’Neil will not feature after earlier participation in the event; his free kick at Burton should have been enough to seal progression for Boro…it obviously wasn’t given the fact we’re spectating tomorrow…0-1

Fulham v Tottenham – Craven Cottage

Here’s hoping Niko Kranjcar – degraded and underappreciated by ‘Arry Redknapp – stays in London and pitches up by the river…a really good footballer…1-1

Nickname(s): The Hornets, Yellow Army, The Horns

Ground: Vicarage Road

From Boro: not quite London calling as Watford sits in the north-eastern reaches of Hertfordshire – 4 hours by car

Kit: some evolution! The 2006-07 kit was streets ahead of that thing

It’s Not A Moose: the large game emblazoned on the crest is actually a hart, as in male deer, and as in Hertfordshire…Watford were the only profession club in the county until Barnet was conceived

Famous Wasps: Luther Blissett was the first Watford player ever capped by England; Kenny Jackett had a playing career shortened by injury, then turned manager (1996-1997); Ashley Young, Marlon King, David James, Ben Foster…none can outshine John Barnes though, who electrified for a 6 year spell from his debut in 1981 right up to the Liverpool departure of 1987