• On a day of global protest it was West Ham emerging the most assiduous sansculottes as they staged #OccupyBlackpoolsbox

• Boro got bumped to third after a worrisome draw at home to a limited Millwall side…the cacophony of boos hurled towards the home side at full time was bang out of order

• Jem Karacan – a late sub for the injured midfielder Jay Tabb – struck in the 9th minute of stoppage time to help Reading stay unbeaten and nick a win at Turf Moor

• Southampton stayed top through a Rickie Lambert leveler at Pride Park…the result more harsh on the hosts who slip to fourth

• Wilfried Zaha, stripling supreme, secured a precious away win for Crystal Palace at Vicarage Road

• Impressive Sunday showing for Birmingham, ending Leicester’s unbeaten run with a comprehensive 2-0 victory at St. Andrew’s

• Leeds made it a long weekend round Doncaster way as they roughed up the home side on their way to superb 3-0 beat down…Andy Keogh and Ross McCormack contributed to what Simon Grayson termed ‘a very good performance’

Quick Picks for Midweek Round Twelve

Barnsley 0-0 Burnley
Ipswich 2-0 Portsmouth
Leeds 3-1 Coventry
Millwall 1-2 Brighton
Nottingham Forest 1-2 Middlesbrough
Peterborough 3-3 Cardiff
Southampton 2-1 West Ham
Blackpool 3-1 Doncaster
Crystal Palace 2-0 Bristol City
Reading 2-2 Derby
Leicester 5-1 Watford

Round 10 results: 6 correct  - 1 perfect scoreline

14 Oct 11

7.45p

Doncaster v Leeds – Keepmoat Stadium

Former Wrexham boss Dean Saunders clearly had a vision for how to start the transformation of a sluggish side stuck to the foot of the table. West Ham defender Herita Ilunga and Wigan keeper Chris Kirkland have joined on loan, French defender Pascal Chimbonda was thrown a short-term contract to help resuscitate his career, and there’s talk of more to come. His tactical model is working a treat too; seven points collected from nine, including an impressive away result procured at Peterborough before the break.

The preponderance of current attention focused on Leeds United does not relate to their much improved form on the pitch, but rather the increasingly murky state of club’s ownership. It’s a tale so turbid it prompts one of the game’s top investigators to cross the media conglomerate divide. All it does is fuel more distaste for the dirty bastards…Donny 2-1 Dirty Leeds

15 Oct 11

3.00p

Bristol City v Peterborough – Ashton Gate

In the end it was time for fresh perspective. Keith Millen resigned his post after long, loyal service to the club. The rumoured candidates to assume his seat are varied: Sean O’Driscoll, Mark Robins, Derek McInnes, Dave Jones, but no Jamo. Disappointing, really – the erudite former England number one oozes managerial nous.

For the Posh, the goals have dried up, and losses have mounted – four defeats in their last six see them near the bottom of the form guide. Also on the rise is the ever-bulging number of football personalities getting punishment for tweeting their minds during fits of passion…Bristol City 1-1 Posh

Burnley v Reading – Turf Moor

The Clarets are finally getting going after a stalled start to the campaign; Charlie Austin and Jay Rodriguez are providing the goals propellant – they’ve already combined for 15 in all competitions. Pushing towards the playoffs will depend heavily on the pair continuing to bulge the net.

01 Oct 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Coventry – Oakwell

The home side are unbeaten in six, with five consecutive draws following a crucial away result at Reading – 8 points from 18 isn’t the sexiest return, however it’s pure enough to keep Keith Hill out of the shit, for now.

Trips for Sky Blues supports more resemble death marches these days: just one point and two goals in the league, never mind the 3-1 beat down doled out by Bury in the league cup…Barnsley 2-0 Coventry

Blackpool v Bristol City – Bloomfield Road

Ian Holloway will have to ogle his new temporary toy, Liverpool midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, from the stands as he serves a one match touchline ban following the invective directed towards the fourth official Tuesday against Coventry.

Chairman Colin Sexstone is detecting the unrest from all corners: the hopelessness broadcast by the tweens on their mobiles and the general ennui from within Ashton Gate. It may be time for a big change, perhaps a new face with fresh ideas who can convert the few existing assets in to a new side capable a returning to the heady days of promotion contention…Blackpool 2-1 Bristol City

Crystal Palace v West Ham – Selhurst Park

Oh those bongo barons are cheeky fuckers. Sure, you’ll take problem child Carlito off of Cit-eh’s hands, back to the bosom of his English football immersion. The overriding suspicion is that Big Sam just wants to cuddle and tickle the little codger, and get recipes for mouthwatering variations of asado.

Palace remain a conundrum, oscillating between superlative, like against Brighton, and absolute shite, similar to the away loss at Doncaster. The exciting pieces are there, and the wonder of Wilfried has now reached the continent…Palace 1-2 West Sam

Hull v Cardiff – KC Stadium

The steady stream of one-nil results has been abated after draws at the dregs of the league. It hasn’t dented the fine form that keeps Big Nige and his charges balls deep in the promotion push.

Cardiff scored an impressive win to dent league leaders Southampton at midweek – Kenny Miller reappeared after an eight game goal drought to bag an important double, both for club fortunes and individual confidence…Hull 1-1 Cardiff

Ipswich v Brighton – Portman Road

The home side don’t just look good on paper anymore. Last weekend at the Riverside Jimmy Bullard, Keith Andrews, Ibrahima Sonko, they all showed some of the inflated promise and skill their wages suggest.

Maybe a spell away from the new ground is in order for Brighton? Six goals shipped in the last two, forcing a slip from the previous clip that saw newly-rewarded Gus Poyet at the very summit…Town 2-2 Brighton

Leeds v Portsmouth – Elland Road

Fifteen goals in the last six, **cough** eleven conceded **cough**, sees Leeds near the top of the form table. The main propellant is Ross McCormack with eight league goals – nine in all comps. Consider the Davide Somma void filled.

Steve Cotterill is already seeing the benefits of new, committed ownership with the loan capture of the better looking Riise brother, Bjorn Helge. It’s subtle on the surface, but infers a certain ambition to actually build a talented squad compromised of desirable players. What a concept…Dirty Leeds 2-1 Pompey

Millwall v Burnley – New Den

It was a dubious end to a monastic period of abstinence, Liam Feeney’s goal getting some slight aid from Lloyd Doyley – either way it ended an embarrassing period that’s put Millwall on the fast track to the bottom.

Jay Rodriguez got a pair in the conflagration over Forest to redress his goal disparity between league and cup. They can kick on here over a bruised and introverted Millwall side, proving Tuesday’s wonder result wasn’t a circumstantial aberration…Millwall 2-3 Burnley

Peterborough v Doncaster – London Road

John Ryan was thinking about changes back in the summer, starting with mascot. The demise of Donny-as-the-darkhorse-darlings was rapid and blunt, forcing an inevitable change. Dean Saunders has imbued a new spirit in his short time as head man – it’s one of many attributes required to scrape this side off the bottom.

Posh boss Lil Ferg is dishing out the praise for hard man Gabby Zakuani, bypassing a broken toe to shine in a recent five game stretch where Peterborough have stemmed the tide of goals conceded ever so slightly…Posh 3-1 Donny

Reading v Middlesbrough – Madejski Stadium

Boro are fucked without Leroy Lita here, no? The Swansea striker was Boro’s best battering ram in seasons past against Reading, who bullied their way to 5-2 romping last time these two met at the Madejski.

Tony Mowbray knows there’s no mini-crisis of confidence after consecutive home nil-nils – Brian McDermott meanwhile is encouraged by the response of his players after a wretched start saw them flirting with disaster…Reading 2-2 Boro

Southampton v Watford – St. Mary’s

Recent slip ups at Burnley and Cardiff have not been enough to dislodge Southampton from its lofty perch – they remain top going in to the weekend thanks to a singular goal difference. St Mary’s provides the comfort of perfection this term: six wins total – four in the league.

Watford are proving sterner competition that what was projected in August, giving early validation to the appointment of Sean Dyche. Some of the creativity sold off in the summer has been replaced with greater discipline, making the Vicarage Road club a thorny test…Southampton 2-1 Watford

5.20p

Leicester v Derby – King Power Stadium

The last four for Sven have been peculiarly economical, with six points gained through a miserly two goals. Sven has never been one to care about how the knickers drop, so long as they ultimately, surrenderingly, do.
The positive, vibrant start by Derby faces it’s test now: can the run be sustained as we head into October? It was near this stage where the threads started to unravel last term – Nigel Clough worked hard and spent well to get men in to prevent a recurrence…Leicester 1-1 Derby

02 Oct 11

3.00p

Nottingham Forest v Birmingham – City Ground

What odds Steve McClaren makes it to Monday? This has boring, reductive 0-0 tattooed all over it. Especially with Birmingham recharging after a great win in Maribor Thursday in Europa League action.

The ingredients for whatever formula the former Boro boss was conjuring when he took the job just are not present – and the recalcitrance and indifference of the Forest board is doing nothing to mollify the situation…Trees 0-0 Brummie Blue

23 Sep 11

7.45p

Brighton v Leeds – Falmer

Two losses to top flight opposition in the Carling Cup between the two leads up to this Friday night feast – Brighton showed some real bravura in standing up to Liverpool, while Leeds meekly rolled over against visiting Manchester United – saving the bigger ordnance for the league Simon? Brighton 2-0 Dirty Leeds

24 Sep 11

3.00p

Birmingham v Barnsley – St. Andrew’s

The big result over Millwall seems like ages ago, and Chris Wood might not be around much longer to provide consistent firepower – the shit Blues form is permeating all competitions: a tonking from Southampton in the league, humiliation against Braga at home in the Europa League, and a predictable exit from the league cup courtesy of Manchester City – Barnsley, level on points and goal difference, are just trying to grind out results wherever they can – Brummie 1-1 Barnsley

Bristol City v Hull – Ashton Gate

Fuck the Premier League, Hull want to get promoted to Serie A circa the mid-seventies; 1-0, 0-1, 1-0, 5 scored, 6 conceded – it’s enough to sport a massive tent in your Diesel’s – Bristol City still have Nicky Maynard, so anything is possible we suppose – Bristol City 0-1 Hullona

Burnley v Southampton – Turf Moor

Eddie Howe is so desperate to change the current identity of his side he’s recalled a dude who has changed his: Andre Bikey is now Andre Amougou – apparently he needed another 25 years or so before deciding to take the full family name – he’s still a hard bastard who can hopefully help derail the surging Saints on their fast-track to the top – Burnley 1-2 Southampton

Coventry v Reading – Ricoh Arena

Seems normal service has resumed for the home side after a collectively anonymous performance at Portman Road last Monday – Reading pushed themselves further away from the murky bottom with a comprehensive drubbing of the ostensible whipping boys from Doncaster – Coventry 0-2 Reading

Derby v Millwall – Pride Park

A point is point and all, but sooner or later Millwall have to do something they have not done in the league for five weeks: find the back of the opposition’s fucking net – the large-scale remodel overseen by Nigel Clough in the off season looks to be a hit, especially after getting the best of their rivals at the other end of Brian Clough Way – Derby 3-1 Millwall

Doncaster v Crystal Palace – Keepmoat Stadium

Dougie Freedman heaped on the Boro praise after the league cup tie on Tuesday, and we’re giving it right back: if Palace can hold on to Sean Scannell, Jonathan Williams and Wilfried Zaha they will get promoted within 2-3 years – Doncaster 1-2 Palace

Middlesbrough v Ipswich – The Riverside

Injury to Ibrahima Sonko means Paul Jewell will have to field his seventh different centre back pairing – that excess moisture round Hurworth isn’t precipitation, it’s drool from Dreadlocked Dynamite and the Aussie livewire Scott McDonald – Boro 2-0 Town

Portsmouth v Blackpool – Fratton Park

The new owners down south seem lick nice blokes, in a menacing Putin-esque type way – they vow to improve everything at the club, from bogs all the way up to squad investment, spelling an end to the seemingly endless turmoil surrounding a once stable club – CSI: Pompey 1-1 ‘Pool

West Ham v Peterborough – Upton Park

This may cause a ruction in the filthy lovefest that is Big Sam hearts Big Ferg – it’s win/win really for the Hammers boss; go easy on Posh and Lil Ferg to demonstrate your compassion for the children of friends, or savage the fuck out of them to show you have the mind of an assassin and heart of a Republican – West Sam 3-2 Posh

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Gruesome injury suffered by deputy left back Chris Cohen last weekend – he’s out for up to 12 months, bringing more instability to a position that was never really stable in the first place – just ask Billy Davies – Watford 1-0 Trees

25 Sep 11

1.15p

Cardiff v Leicester – Cardiff City Stadium

Christ, these two should move in together – this is the eighth time they’ve battled since the 2009/10 campaign – the love runs so deep that they even went to penalties at midweek in the league cup – maybe some time apart after this one you crazy kids, okay? Cardiff 2-2 Leicester

17 Sep 11

12.30p

Millwall v West Ham – New Den

The beat down potential is massive: loads of tasty geezers and two bit thugs doing unspeakable deeds sure to sicken and shame the nation – but enough about the football match being contested – hopefully the supporters can behave somewhat properly to prevent a repeat of previous transgressions – Millwall 1-2 West Sam

1.00p

Nottingham Forest v Derby – City Ground

Another fierce parochial rumble, sans the extracurricular contretemps and fisticuffs – Forest need something that signifies progress under embattled Steve McClaren, while Derby are trying to keep their place in the upper reaches of the table – Trees 1-1 Derby

3.00p

Barnsley v Watford – Oakwell

Tremendous result for Sean Dyche’s side at the Madejski last round, imbuing a faint bit of hope for a club largely expected to hover round the bottom all season – the home side look to capitalise on a display that saw them be the latest side to flummox the promotion favourites at Leicester – Barnsley 1-1 Watford

Blackpool v Cardiff – Bloomfield Road

El Hadji Diouf could be spitting at a ref inside a Champo ground near you soon enough, if the barren rumour mill is anything to go by – the Blackpool board is dangling a decent carrot in front of the wayward forward after his release from Blackburn – well done to Cardiff for doing the business over Doncaster last week in honour of their fallen supporter – ‘Pool 2-2 Cardiff

Crystal Palace v Middlesbrough – Selhurst Park

Boro begin their temporary south London residency with the league tilt against formidable Palace (Carling Cup 3rd round tie between the two here on Tues) – expect various suits, stattos and scouts in the crowd to get an intimate look at new tyro Wilfried Zaha – Palace 0-1 Boro

Hull v Portsmouth – KC Stadium

Barring the Leeds result from last month, Hull have conceded but twice in the league – the parsimonious defence is imperative given the immediate lack of goal punch – the south coasters are a stingy lot too for the most part – don’t forget the cheap and cowardly too – Hull 1-0 Pompey

Leeds v Bristol City – Elland Road

Simon Grayson is absolutely Finnished after acquiring Mikael Forsell and Mika Vayrynen – word has it an enquiry for Teemu Pukki was made too, but he was snatched up by FC Schalke 04 after a dazzling brace while still playing for HJK in the Europa League – entry into the Veikkausliiga isn’t entirely out of the question – Dirty Leeds 2-0 Bristol City

Leicester v Brighton – King Power Stadium

Flaccid, limp, impotent; these aren’t words you generally associate with Sven Goran Eriksson – okay, well maybe in a footballing context you do – Leicester need a big result against the league leaders to keep them, and automatic promotion hopes, in sight – Leicester 1-2 Brighton

Peterborough v Burnley – London Road

Posh had their recent goal parade postponed last week against Hull – based on the positively shit performance from the Clarets last weekend against Boro it’s quite plausible Lil Ferg’s lads are ready to resume their assault on the goals scored column – Posh 2-0 Burnley

Reading v Doncaster – Madejski Stadium

Fucking hell – these two sides have collected a paltry 5 points from 36 – the Doncaster struggles were to be expected – Reading has no business being at this end of the table, meaning the new signings need to congeal, soonish preferably – Reading 3-0 Donny

18 Sep 11

3.00p

Southampton v Birmingham – St. Mary’s

Full marks to Paul Fletcher for the extraneous titling of his recent blog, we totally get it – Saints are absolutely flying under the former Bangor City gaffer as they charge back to where they think they belong – the Brummies were drubbed at home by Braga in the Europa League on Thursday, choosing a convicted woman beater over a recent hat trick hero – priorities, eh? Southampton 4-1 Brummy Blue

19 Sep 11

7.45p

Ipswich v Coventry

Get a jammy draw before the international break, make a stand at the end of the transfer window to retain the services of your most valuable asset, and stuff the early season Derby surge with a surprise result; it’s all suddenly possible now for Andy Thorn and company – things aren’t so magnanimous for his opposite number at the moment as Paul Jewell is freely admitting he doesn’t have a fucking clue – Town 1-1 Sky (High) Blues

Here’s another go for you to mock and lampoon…

10 Sep 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Good form by both clubs as they headed into the break: Barnsley picked up 4 points away to Reading and Millwall – Leicester outlasted league leaders Southampton after Bury-ing the Shakers in the Carling Cup – Sven will hope that south Yorkshire is the spot where his aggressive promotion thrust truly begins – Barnsley 0-2 Leicester

Blackpool v Ipswich – Bloomfield Road

The Ipswich goal hemorrhage stopped against limp Leeds, temporarily at least – Blackpool have the application and attacking intent to hang Southampton/Posh type figures on a battered and unsure visiting side, Keith Andrews heroics or not – Blackpool 3-1 Ipswich

Bristol City v Brighton – Ashton Gate

Gus Poyet gets full credit for the league’s most glamorous signing during the transfer window: former Spain international Vicente is drafted in to bamboozle and bedazzle the craggy Championship opposition – Keith Millen’s biggest coup was managing to retain Nicky Maynard and Albert Adomah for a few more months, which is nice – Bristol City 1-2 Brighton

Burnley v Middlesbrough – Turf Moor

From the original #twittersmog: What’s black and red, fast as fuck and on fire?…. Marvin Emnes – Dreadlocked Dynamite snatched player of the month accolades to continue his re-education – the Clarets have a new wing weapon w/ the capture of former West Ham whelp Junior Stanislas – Boro hope to keep the away magic bubbling – Burnley 2-2 Boro

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

Respect to Cardiff for their plans to honour fallen supporter Mikey Dye – rest in peace sir, and godspeed to your loved ones and friends – Cardiff 2-0 Donny

Leeds v Crystal Palace – Elland Road

Awful times for Dirty Leeds supporters: fighting a vile cretin owner who has scant regard for their opinions and contributions on one front, and bemoaning the lack of imagination and ambition in the transfer market on another – letting Max Gradel bid adieu for St Etienne is the latest unforgivable misdeed – Palace aim to build on their positive start and their new found transfer acumen: Chester born striker Antonio Pedroza was snagged for a small fee from Mexican top-flight side Jaguares – great business for a player linked to London’s bigger clubs like Spurs and Chelsea – Leeds 1-1 Palace

Peterborough v Hull – London Road

Spritely striker Martyn Waghorn looks to make his Hull debut – the Leicester loanee is tasked with improving the anemic league goals tally up to this point – Posh have no such problems finding the back of the net, even with former hitman Aaron McLean lining up for Big Nige this time round – Posh 2-1 Hull

Reading v Watford – Madejski Stadium

Battle at the bottom here, at least until new signings Kaspar Gorkss, Joseph Mills and Adam Le Fondre get the hang of the Reading way being forged by Brian McDermott – Watford has a new plaything of their own in Joe Garner, who will be expected to develop a quick working relationship with the magical Marvin Sordell – Reading 2-0 Watford

Southampton v Nottingham Forest – St. Mary’s

‘I’m not quitting’ is a forceful and empowering statement to stifle the baying mobs, unless you’ve only been in the job for 3 months – fucking Forest can’t even get him a company mobile to use from the bench! Southampton 3-0 Trees

West Ham v Portsmouth – Upton Park

Imagine the erection on Allardyce during this one: long punt after long punt, Liam Lawrence getting the shit kicked out of him, and Joey O’Brien following orders to ‘lamp that giant ginger cunt son’ – West Sam 1-0 Pompey

5.20p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

What’s more bizarre: Tony Mowbray actually identifying Lucas Jutkiewicz as the primary striker target, or Andy Thorn being a recalcitrant bastard refusing to sell? And save the bullshit about needing the Parkin move from Cardiff to go through first – Coventry 1-3 Derby

11 Sep 11

12.30p

Birmingham v Millwall – St. Andrew’s

Chris Hughton is still trying to tie up a loan for Newcastle headache Nile Ranger – not just to play up front, but to reminisce about the good old promotion days when this league seemed more gentle and innocent – Millwall, meanwhile, carry on in their quest to be the least remarkable side in the top half of the Champo, and Kenny Jackett is all right with that – Birmingham 1-1 Millwall

Now the gaffer embarks on the laborious task of scouring the loan markets. The one or two strikers he had hoped to bring in will have to be those whelps, wonders and journeymen left off official 25 man rosters for the top two divisions. Nothing too expensive, unless the loan club is willing to subsidise a substantial portion safe in the knowledge their commodities will enjoy some flourishing, free-flowing football, for up to 93 days anyway. Below are 10 possible targets, rated on varying levels of probability…

Realistic

Luca Scapuzzi – Manchester City – striker – Italian – 20 –  eight years in the Milan youth set-up  - featured in the Dublin Super Cup, scoring against a League of Ireland XI and making bench in the City 0-3 against Inter

Oumare Tounkara – Sunderland – striker – French – 21 –  back from a decent spell at Oldham last season, scoring 7 goals in 44 appearances – offers exceptional size with some of the continetal flair Tony Mowbray has been known to appreciate

Casey Thomas – Swansea – striker – Welsh youth international at U17/U19/U21 – 20 – only 1 senior appearance, against us in our Champo bow back in August 2009 – lower league loans at Newport County and Port Talbot haven’t been too enriching for player or parent club – on the surface he may not be ready for semi-regular action at this level

Rob Hulse – QPR – striker/quintessential target man – English – 31 – previous rumoured target under Southgate and Strachan – work ethic and goal scoring is somewhat questionable – he’s an older Kris Boyd, and frankly superfluous in Boro’s preferred system

Roman Bednar – West Brom – striker/brute – Czech Republic – 28 – surprisingly named to the Premier League 25 man squad – he’s a handful on and off the pitch – cautioned for a minor drugs offence and suspended by the Baggies in May 2009 – back after spending the last 6 months in Turkey w/ Ankaragucu, which was the direct result of his nullifying an agreed move to Bristol City last January

Saido Berahino – West Brom – striker – Burundi born, now represents England at U20 level – 18 – scored a goal at the U20 world Cup in Colombia against the Aussies – he was dead chuffed over it

Ambitious

Harry Kane – Spurs – striker – English – 18 – good spell at Leyton Orient in the second half of 2010-11 – made his senior debut in Europa League reverse fixture against Hearts – won a penna, and failed to convert it – perhaps he’s not ready to leave the safe womb of London just yet

Callum McManaman – Wigan – striker – Scouse – 20 – kid is highly regarded by Roberto Martinez – offers versatility up front or out wide – distant relative of former Liverpool and Real Madrid favourite Steve McManaman, meaning he has post-career punditry deep in his DNA

Too Ambitious?

Simeon Jackson – Norwich City – striker – Canadian – 24 – a decent career goal scroring record: 93 in 237 at Rushden & Diamonds, Gillingham and the might Shopmates of Raunds Town – seemingly fourth choice behind Grant Holt, Steve Morison, and James Vaughan for Paul Lambert now – imagine him and Marvin Emnes abusing the stationary and limited centre backs that litter this division; a Dutchie and a Jamaican (by birth) blazing the grass beneath them

Adam Hammill – Wolves – winger – Scouse – 23 – creative left-sided player who can push forward to support up top – hot commodity in the January transfer window – Mick McCarthy got him for a pittance – first team opportunities could continue to dwindle with livewire Matt Jarvis and the ever-divisive Stephen Hunt ahead of him in the midfield pecking order

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

The early-season road labyrinth continues at Leeds. Boro could use a league win to establish some credible promotion momentum. Simon Grayson just wants his charges to play a competent, composed 90 minutes. Southampton enjoyed a painless re-entry to the Championship at their expense, and local rivals Bradford City provided exceptionally stiff competition in the league cup at midweek.

Marvin Emnes has blossomed early for four goals. Tony Mowbray has made an early, indelible impression propelling the Dutch dynamite into an August frenzy. Injuries to Davide Somma and Luciano Becchio have the home gaffer trolling for steady replacements – maybe it’s a chance for former Boro target Ross McCormack to finally shine?

Official Materials

Can’t seem to find a match pack from the hosts – have a bit of the BBC preview to compensate for its absence – Boro maintain journalistic excellence with their own homemade digital dossier

Know Your Enemy

From the assembly line of talent at Livingston, Robert Snodgrass! He’s of the generation that produced Graham Dorrans, James McPake and Boro whelp Andy Halliday. The inimitable Leeds website has him listed as a striker – we always thought of him as a van der Vart-type roaming playmaker…

Danger Man

Ivorian attacking midfielder Max Gradel. His 18 goals last term warranted a bevy of interest from various suitors – he’s opted to repay the club’s faith by sticking around to terrorise opposing defenders. A valuable chip for the board to have if they are inclined to cash in…

On Offer

A win for either helps maintain a workable gap between whoever the premature leaders are after the weekend. Boro travel to Oakwell on Tuesday before heading back to Teesside for a date with Birmingham. Leeds host Hull before a jaunt down to West Sam. Neither side wants to stunt the growth of a playoff/promotion push by carrying on into three weeks into the season still searching for your first three point haul.