23 Sep 11

7.45p

Brighton v Leeds – Falmer

Two losses to top flight opposition in the Carling Cup between the two leads up to this Friday night feast – Brighton showed some real bravura in standing up to Liverpool, while Leeds meekly rolled over against visiting Manchester United – saving the bigger ordnance for the league Simon? Brighton 2-0 Dirty Leeds

24 Sep 11

3.00p

Birmingham v Barnsley – St. Andrew’s

The big result over Millwall seems like ages ago, and Chris Wood might not be around much longer to provide consistent firepower – the shit Blues form is permeating all competitions: a tonking from Southampton in the league, humiliation against Braga at home in the Europa League, and a predictable exit from the league cup courtesy of Manchester City – Barnsley, level on points and goal difference, are just trying to grind out results wherever they can – Brummie 1-1 Barnsley

Bristol City v Hull – Ashton Gate

Fuck the Premier League, Hull want to get promoted to Serie A circa the mid-seventies; 1-0, 0-1, 1-0, 5 scored, 6 conceded – it’s enough to sport a massive tent in your Diesel’s – Bristol City still have Nicky Maynard, so anything is possible we suppose – Bristol City 0-1 Hullona

Burnley v Southampton – Turf Moor

Eddie Howe is so desperate to change the current identity of his side he’s recalled a dude who has changed his: Andre Bikey is now Andre Amougou – apparently he needed another 25 years or so before deciding to take the full family name – he’s still a hard bastard who can hopefully help derail the surging Saints on their fast-track to the top – Burnley 1-2 Southampton

Coventry v Reading – Ricoh Arena

Seems normal service has resumed for the home side after a collectively anonymous performance at Portman Road last Monday – Reading pushed themselves further away from the murky bottom with a comprehensive drubbing of the ostensible whipping boys from Doncaster – Coventry 0-2 Reading

Derby v Millwall – Pride Park

A point is point and all, but sooner or later Millwall have to do something they have not done in the league for five weeks: find the back of the opposition’s fucking net – the large-scale remodel overseen by Nigel Clough in the off season looks to be a hit, especially after getting the best of their rivals at the other end of Brian Clough Way – Derby 3-1 Millwall

Doncaster v Crystal Palace – Keepmoat Stadium

Dougie Freedman heaped on the Boro praise after the league cup tie on Tuesday, and we’re giving it right back: if Palace can hold on to Sean Scannell, Jonathan Williams and Wilfried Zaha they will get promoted within 2-3 years – Doncaster 1-2 Palace

Middlesbrough v Ipswich – The Riverside

Injury to Ibrahima Sonko means Paul Jewell will have to field his seventh different centre back pairing – that excess moisture round Hurworth isn’t precipitation, it’s drool from Dreadlocked Dynamite and the Aussie livewire Scott McDonald – Boro 2-0 Town

Portsmouth v Blackpool – Fratton Park

The new owners down south seem lick nice blokes, in a menacing Putin-esque type way – they vow to improve everything at the club, from bogs all the way up to squad investment, spelling an end to the seemingly endless turmoil surrounding a once stable club – CSI: Pompey 1-1 ‘Pool

West Ham v Peterborough – Upton Park

This may cause a ruction in the filthy lovefest that is Big Sam hearts Big Ferg – it’s win/win really for the Hammers boss; go easy on Posh and Lil Ferg to demonstrate your compassion for the children of friends, or savage the fuck out of them to show you have the mind of an assassin and heart of a Republican – West Sam 3-2 Posh

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Gruesome injury suffered by deputy left back Chris Cohen last weekend – he’s out for up to 12 months, bringing more instability to a position that was never really stable in the first place – just ask Billy Davies – Watford 1-0 Trees

25 Sep 11

1.15p

Cardiff v Leicester – Cardiff City Stadium

Christ, these two should move in together – this is the eighth time they’ve battled since the 2009/10 campaign – the love runs so deep that they even went to penalties at midweek in the league cup – maybe some time apart after this one you crazy kids, okay? Cardiff 2-2 Leicester

FIFA missed a gilt-edged opportunity to enliven the draw and make it more a media sensation: instead of drawing from pots, the orbs could have been strategically placed about the undraped and vulnerable form of hostess Charlize Theron a la naked sushi fetes in swanky locales like South Beach. What better way to further illustrate the natural splendor of the host republic? Also, it would have done the job to cleanse our palette that is still fouled by the imagery of this…

Group A: South Africa/Mexico/Uruguay/France – the insipid performance of the French at Euro 2008, coupled w/ the difficulty in actually qualifying for the event, may herald the official demise of the golden generation, but until otherwise France remains in that group w/ Germany, Italy, Brazil, and Argentina that, no matter what their form or world ranking, should be wagered against at your own peril – France/Mexico advance

Group B: Argentina/Nigeria/South Korea/Greece – Maradona has ample opportunity to balls this up; hard to see how he can select a hard 23 man squad for up to a month when he called up over 70 during qualifying…did we mention Diego didn’t take over until after the campaign had started? Argentina/Greece advance

Group C: England/United States/Algeria/Slovenia – the jingoistic English press was jubilant at the draw – Wazza couldn’t be bothered – did he have his chips before bed at least? Brown sauce?? England will walk this group, and the US might have their aspirations of advancement quashed quicker than in 2006 – England/Slovenia advance

Group D: Germany/Australia/Ghana/Serbia – eff Group G being anointed the dreaded Group of Death; this is the tastiest on offer – can Oz duplicate their courageous efforts from last time round? Ghana have the class and skill to carry the continental torch – do they have the bottle? Serbia is being woefully underrated early doors too – and Germany – see France above – Germany/Ghana advance

Group E: Holland/Japan/Cameroon/Denmark – there is absolutely nothing to make us think this won’t be the most entertaining group, dreary Danes aside – Paul Le Guen has Lions Imdomptables organised after a shaky start to qualifying – Japan play w/ kamikaze abandon – Holland are imperious, and they have the shekshi-est kits in world football – Denmark are the steel of the group – Holland/Denmark advance

Group F: Italy/Paraguay/New Zealand/Slovakia – tame and imbalanced upon initial views – Italy are Italy, and defending champions – Paraguay finished 3^rd in CONMEBOL, but tied w/ Chile for most victories – NZ might be better off sending the All Blacks – no love for Slovakia, even though they topped their Euro group…which included San Marino and Northern Ireland – Italy/Paraguay advance

Group G: Brazil/DPR Korea/Ivory Coast/Portugal – enough already about the top 3 (and one cheating diving cunt – NOT Drogba!)of the group – did you know that the DPR Korea national side nickname is Chollima? the mythical horse of Siberian/Central Asia origins is said to be too swift to be mounted – Brazil/Portugal advance

Group H: Spain/Honduras/Chile/Switzerland – some fine cuisine going on there: 3 variations of the empanada!! fondue looks absolutely pedestrian against that  – look closer though and realise that Spain are arguably the best team in the world at the moment, Chile astounded in their qualifying, and Honduras overcame political and civil unrest to unite and relegate Costa Rica to the play-off w/ Uruguay – Spain/Chile advance

We’ve the days off for mid-summer holiday confirmed – lagers early in the morning followed by midday slumbers. Our eye will be sharp as we welcome the diversion from potentially discussing and scheming another way out of the Championship