Group A – South Africa, France, Uruguay, Mexico

Winner: France

Runner-up: Uruguay

France embraces the conversion to a 4-3-3, but Djibril Cisse gets the adulation, not Nic or Thierry, by netting pivotal goals that see Les Bleus through – one to sink the hosts in a dream-crushing defeat, and another much more magical, condemning Mexico to a risible finish at the foot of the group…Uruguay ride the fire-power of Forlan and Suarez to a respectable second place…South Africa infatuates ever so briefly, but not even the    pure class of Steven Pienaar can rescue their hopes of advancement, extinguishing the din of the vuvuzela…briefly

Group B – Argentina, Nigeria, Greece, South Korea

Winner: Argentina

Runner-up: Nigeria

Sod the football, consider the culinary smorgasbord: prized Argentine beef fire-roasted to perfection; more, spicier barbeque delights from the Koreans; smart and tasty Mediterranean fare from the skint Greeks; exotic and soulful Nigerian pepper pot…it’ll sound even better after beers in the early desert midweek morning…

Group C – England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia

Winner: England

Runner-up: United States

So folks seem to think the U.S. can spring a surprise, like when Portugal was shocked in 2002…we do agree that the touch-paper could be lit w/ cantankerous starlets like Michael Bradley set to test the limits of Wazza’s temper…it will be the match of the group for sure, though Algeria and Slovenia shouldn’t be overlooked – the former pipped Egypt in an incendiary sudden death showdown in Omdurman, the latter outlasting Russia over two legs in a European qualifying play-off…it’s the second finals appearance for the nascent nation formed only in 1992 after the dissolution of Yugoslavia…

Group D – Germany, Serbia, Ghana, Australia

Winner: Serbia

Runner-up: Ghana

The thinking mans’ group of death; Germany and their ruthless efficiency are a given, however no Michael Ballack will be crippling…Ghana appear the most well rounded of the African contingent – no worries about the Essien absence, Kevin Prince-Boateng shall shine…Australia are like an Asian Ireland-light – plenty of good footballers, but a bewildering dearth of overall quality…Serbia is where it’s at – they’ll top this group, and if you disagree Nemanja Vidic will elbow you in the bonce

Group E – Netherlands, Denmark, Cameroon, Japan

Winner: Netherlands

Runner-up: Denmark

Of course the Dutch are stunningly sexy with their terrific kits and regal, attacking football…we’re coming around on Denmark though, if only because we must be a closet Nicklas Bendtner fan…exceptional skill for a hunky oaf – and he bangs top Danish socialites too…Cameroon and kamikaze Japan are entertaining filler too…they’ll both indulge the Dutchies and spray some goals around

Group F – Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia

Winner: Paraguay

Runner-up: Italy

Slovakia topped their group, as tepid as it was, but Paraguay impressed highly in CONMEBOL qualification…even without talisman Salvador Cabanas unavailable due to gunshot-to-the-head knack, we like Guaranies chances…Santa Cruz and Cardozo are more than capable to conjure goals…Italy will creak through with discomforting ease…and we’re modifying that old All Blacks top into a football appropriate garment, replete w/ a Killen – 10 emblazoned haphazardly on the back

Group G – Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea

Winner: Brazil

Runner-up: Portugal

Sven says no one is talking about North Korea…they play good football contends the lothario…you’re not in Pyongyang anymore man, and they can’t get to you! Didier Drogba’s mangled elbow tonks any chance the Ivorians had…Brazil and Portugal will use this occasion as a recital for the latter stages…and not even the gun-toting despotic Kim Jong-il in a lone striker role can propel the testy, ill-informed comrades to any semblance of happiness or glory

Group H – Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras

Winner: Spain

Runner-up: Switzerland

Naturally Spain will boss this – never mind about any perceived Cesc distractions…svengali Wenger has the lad’s future sorted, however sex trade-related and pederast that sounds…the assembly line of talent at Del Bosque’s disposal doesn’t even have room for Marcos Senna for fucks sake! Chile are feared to be swashbuckling w/ Bielsa’s vaunted 3-3-1-3, but without a Humberto Suazo ballast their hopes could crumble fail faster than a top kill maneuver…and Honduras just being here is plenty to salve the political strife, whatever the method/medium…the fact it’s an almighty global football carnival is merely a generous bonus…

Feel free to add your own pithy commentary…next we sort the knockout stages and crown the first champion on fertile African soil

What better time then to measure the remnants, reel off the rejects, and fawn over who we think Gibbo should be cutting summer transfer checks to?

Strachan’s Spine

Barry Robson – a man by which all others should be measured

Scott McDonald – gratefully, for us anyway, cut loose from Aussie national team before World Cup 2010…he can get fit w/ us and do the business next season

Steve McManus – still on loan from Celtic, Mick cancelled his New York holiday w/ the missus to join boot camp…everyone knows we want him permanently

Faithful Men

Chris Killen - a valuable target man…leading the Kiwi line in SA

Willo Flood – Vic says he looks like a product of an Irn Bru and crisps diet…we say a buzzing badass who can badger and harass the opposition

Emanuel Pogatetz – not under contract, but Gordo loves his leadership…he’ll have to take a massive pay cut to stay though

Brad Jones – can he shake the laughingstock label? probably not – some folks will never come around, but he did turn in some commanding performances after the recall…

Danny Coyne - didn’t really do anything wrong…was solid virtually every time called upon…scapegoated for the Derby display…still a competent deputy

Get To Know Them Better

Tony McMahon - foot injury torpedoed his audition for the new gaffer…surely he’ll love Macca’s grit the same way most supporters do?

Matthew Bates – fragility will be his undoing…decent player, and versatile…sadly he’s flimsier than the slinky top Lindsay Lohan donned in her recent court appearance

Seb Hines – is it just us, or has he played pretty well whenever called upon in the last three-plus years? he’s a tad dainty though too…

Testicles Are Descending

Jonathan Franks – love his pace…really developing as an exciting, attacking winger

Luke Williams – tremendous potential…we’ve said it before: everyone is pulling for this kid

Rhys Williams – a stalwart by comparison, being the first choice right back for Oz and all…really tidy in our midfield

Andy Halliday – a coup of sorts – we beat off some serious Prem competition for the lad…here’s hoping the assembly line of Livi talent continues

We’d Love To, But…

David Wheater – the rampant interest in Craig Dawson leads many to speculate Wheats can be had…it’s evolving into another Cattermole situation; get the lad away from the pressures of playing for his local pro club? hopefully not…unless we could trouser £5-6m for him

Gary O’Neil - free from the escalator clause shackles – we say he’s really available…like  that friend of your missus in from out of town, looking for a great guy because she has a schedule and everything…and sex on a first date happens sometimes….

Leroy Lita – don’t forget your top…

Justin Hoyte – duped by Voyeur again!

Jonathan Grounds – young…English…young…that’s about it

Julio Arca – you had a great run in the north-east of England mate…now go on back to Velez Sarsfield or something

Andrew Taylor – he has non-football ventures…good for him

Didier Digard – we like him…he is a bit of a pussy though

Joe Bennett – despite all the promise and ability, his auditions in both the left back and left midfield berths were largely woeful…how many more chances has he got?

Josh Walker – comments after a decent performance against Peterborough at home were painfully succinct: he doubts he has a future here

Not Gordo’s Type

Jeremie Aliadiere – more fragile than the Greek economy, just what is it he excels at? falling over and dreadful decision making top our list…

Chris Riggott – committed professional, until asked to take a pay cut…one of the last links to Eindhoven…

Marvin Emnes – 12 years into our Pro Evo franchise – working on a 4th straight league title thank you very much – and he’s still banging them in for Sparta Rotterdam…his form on the upcoming Bundesliga Zwei themed soccer sim should be scintillating

The Riddle Wrapped In A Mystery Flaky Pastry Crust, Drenched In Enigma

Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid…Mido – rumour has it he’ll come back if no better offers are unearthed…we can’t see it…we can see McAllister and Pendrey park-benching him in training and Gordo raining blows on the husky malcontent…

Objects Of Affection

Craig Dawson – player of the season in League Two after helping Rochdale to their first promotion in aeons…initial offer of £750k knocked back

Garry Kenneth – Dundee Utd defensive midfielder that new boss Peter Houston is determined to hold on to…or at least force us to pay inflated fees

Craig Conway – the sexier of the Dundee Utd duo…25 year old winger who can add much needed depth and experience in MF…

Gary Hooper – Scunthorpe goal ace is still being tracked by several clubs…maybe just one more season of copious goals at this level though to be entirely certain he’s the real thing

Kevin Thomson – Rangers hard man – not very attack-minded: 4 goals in 151 league appearances…thank you Walter Smith for rejecting our recent overtures

Go On, Give ‘Em A Bell

Robert Koren - knows what it takes to get out of this league (and sadly how to get relegated straight back)…captain of Slovenia, classy midfielder…we’d have at least texted him already

Daniel Bogdanovic – Maltese goal falcon…14 goals for Barnsley this past season…ideal cover for Mac, don’t you think?

Liam Lawrence – a stretch for sure, especially after a bright display in the Ireland/Paraguay friendly earlier this week…thoughts of a Robbo/Lawro midfield already give us tingles in our trousers…probably won’t happen though….Mick McCarthy is slicking his hair and straightening his tie in advance to woo the lad…

Gordon Strachan admitted he was way past anger – join the club. Recycle all the pejoratives from past barren spells and failed opportunities…then multiply them by 18 months of seething anger. The valve on the pressure cooker was finally released…the sludge of an end product unleashed a fierce torrent. Of course that sort of emotion is natural…and to be expected – here’s hoping for the soon-to-be moment of clarity where we accept it and prepare to move forward. And speaking of…coming later: documenting the wreckage of a failed season…

The trifecta of live blog/Ali and Gilly/widely available streaming telecast of the 515p fixture emulsified into a creamy and rich coverage overload – he are the ranch-stained notes:

Jones; Hoyte, McManus, Grounds, Naughton; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; McDonald, Killen

• WBA – every outfield player has scored this season
• No Wheats – ankle ligament damage suffered in late-week training
• GON back – agreement reached w/ Pompey administrator – Vic reckons pay as you go for the last 3 games this year and the escalator kicks in come August
• Swansea/Pool/Leicester all win in earlier kickoffs – 7 pts down before the opening whistle
• Ref: Grant Hegley – Hertfordshire
• That’s a conservative jumper/suit combo from their gaffer – grey on grey w/ a pale blue tie
• 18 mins – not much in it – both sides probing for an opening
• Hoyte – 50^th Boro appearance
• Free kick in a good position on the left – GON delivers – Killen the target at the far post – goal kick
• WBA – only lost back to back once this season – 8 wins on the spin @ The Hawthorns
• Bednar hits the crossbar – poor from Naughton to lose is cheaply deep on the left – 27/28 mins
• Best Boro chance so far – Robbo finds space at the top centre of the box – can’t shape to shoot w/ pace – comfortable save Carson
• ‘Do you have the sat-nav?’ she’s a bit lost, Mrs. Ali is
• Would Arca be removed from the pitch on a stretcher or in a net? Deep thoughts from the live blog…
• Not making the best use of the ball – no incision
• Jonesey keeps us level – a few decent saves of note
• WBA – scored in every league match this season
• Mac goes wide! Ball from the left – laid off by Killen – beat Carson but couldn’t keep it on target – 39 mins
• 3 mins added
• Simon Cox puts WBA on top – smashes it into the top of the net after creating space – lovely knock down after the long raking pass from the back – WBA 1-0 Boro – 45 +
• HT WBA 1-0 Boro
• GG: goal was a hammer blow – couple of decent chances for us – fell asleep a bit on the build up to the goal – Mick got skinned by Cox – WBA looked a threat on set pieces w/ their size – Dorrans has been decent
• MD: Cox really turned Mick inside out – how many goals can we concede in the last 5/stoppage time of halves/matches?
• Whatever the final result, we won’t get tonked – Gordo won’t allow it – part of us being tougher and mentally stronger
• Carson off – Kiely on – Carson suffering after effects of the crash in the 1^st half
• Opening up in the first 8 mins of 2^nd half – Mulumbu and Bednar attacking well – Mick keeping things organised – Naughton has been alright at left back
• Killen on – Lita on
• Awful defending – WBA ping it about the box with ease – Bednar gets free and pokes home – WBA 2-0 – 55 mins
• Olsson and Mac tussle – some shoving and kicking there – summoned by the ref…
• YC GON
• This was the doomsday GON scenario…now the renegotiated fee to pay Pompey seems like a total waste
• YC Mick
• Grounds off – Riggott on – 70 mins – Grounds injured? Audition for Riggott?
• Totally disagree w/ this nonsense that the earlier results are affecting this rubbish performance…we must be stronger than that
• Jonesey preserves the 2 goal deficit – Koren/Bednar? – good save either way
• Cox off – Morrison on – what odds he scores?
• Williams off – Franks on – presumably Arca tucks inside
• 80 mins to earn first corner of the match
• Bednar off – to a standing ovation – I Miller on
• GG MOM – B Jones
• 86 mins – Lita shakes his marker and bears down on goal – a heavy touch and lack of vision doom the move
• Mac hits the bar! 90 mins
• 2 mins added
• FT WBA 2-0 Boro – Baggies celebrate their cemented promotion at home – Boro eliminated from playoffs
• 11-0 the last 4 matches v Baggies
• Players didn’t acknowledge fans after the match?
• Almost like being invited to someone else’s party? MD
• Riggott/Pogi/Grounds/JA – out of contract
• Killen/Naughton/Mick – on loan
• Gordo: embarrassed – not angry – you can deal w/ anger, way past that – not taking positives at all – not interested if earlier results affected us – he was really cross

Our media centre was on happy overload after ditching the manual notes – the last entries will forever point to the hazy Easter Monday morning Plymouth tilt. We didn’t have the decency to say hello on the live blog, and the ill-effects still linger. The fighting form was stronger this time around – this is the slab of free-range corn fed beef we jabbed, hooked, and pounded on for nigh on two and a half hours:

Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, McManus, Naughton; Robson, Arca, Williams, Franks; Lita, McDonald

• Wednesday perfectly content to score a draw – need a win to dig out of relegation danger
• Robbo captain – GON still unavailable due to cash knack
• Wednesday look hungry
• LL on a mission – point to prove according to GG – still contesting the goal from Reading credited to Sean St Ledger too
• Jermaine Johnson tries a spectacular overhead kick on 10 mins – visitors look fit and up for it
• Arca needs to slide the ball to the full backs when they make the overlapping run – he shot instead
• 12 mins – 0-0 – uncomfortable so far
• Jonesey – loan to Wednesday a few years back was cancelled early – impetus to play well
• Mac occupying good positions so far – he goes close after clearing some space
• Wednesday – won 1 of last 8 – Boro unbeaten in 7…too many draws of course
• Not playing like a side third bottom – full of ‘freedom, belief and spirit’
• Jermaine Johnson bursts through 1 on 1 – Jones neutralizes – best chance so far?
• Arca goes close – Lita lurking too – Franksie whips in right footed – Arca: hit it first time of take a touch? It was that indecision which contributed to the lack of success
• 30 mins – 0-0
• MD – 31 mins: Gordo blabbing to Mac and Hoyte – ‘please give me the ball’ says Mac – Hoyte needs to link up better and surrender the ball – ‘they’re playing the game well, we’re just playing the game…’
• Referee: Jonathan Moss – 32 games – nowt a match w/ out a yellow card
• GOAL (40) – Mac off a deflection – Boro 1-0 Wednesday – slice of fortune from 30 + yards – ‘spawny goal’
• 2 mins added
• HT Boro 1-0 Wednesday
• GG at the break: fortunate goal – fully deserved though – Robbo started slow, still very commanding – Wednesday hard done so far – keep a clean sheet – get a 2^nd
• MD: Gordo to Franksie – keep your head up when attacking – Robbo on the precipice of a vocally-induced card – Killen getting warmed up during the break
• No changes to either side to start the 2^nd
• MD – 8 mins into 2^nd half – Robbo getting a few ear-bashings – he and Mick remain the on-the-pitch deputies to convey the gaffer’s instructions
• Missing GON? Would he be more disciplined in the centre of the midfield?
• Boro have won last 4 home matches v Wednesday – looking for the double after the 1-3 result @ Hillsborough in September
• Great long ball in from Robbo – Lita rushed forward but Grant clipped it just on the edge of the box
• Wednesday hit the cross bar from a corner! Luke Varney – near post – back header
• Rhys Williams volleys – forces a great save from Grant – precise control from the Aussie international
• 60 mins – YC Mick
• ‘I saw that goal you scored against Newport County’ Oh Ali!
• Franksie hasn’t had the opportunities – ball hasn’t been getting wide very frequently
• O’Connor off – Esajas on – great technique – hell of a shot – product of Ajax youth system
• Final 10 minutes
• Tudgay off – Jeffers on – the reason why Wenger doesn’t spend dosh on English players anymore
• Attendance 19932 (2442 S Yorkies)
• Tremendous work rate from Wheats – bouncing about w/ several headers to clear
• Lita gets a terrific ball from Mac – Grant spreads to deny – thumb up from LL – 86 mins
• No subs – first time in Gordo reign?
• 4 mins added
• GG MOM – Wheats
• FT Boro 1-0 Wednesday
• 6 clean sheets in 11 home matches – only 6 conceded
• Very professional finish to the match – killed the match off properly – Gordo should be proud of the intelligence displayed
• MD w/ Wheats post-match: we’re still in there w/ the win – winning ugly – team got the hairdryer at the half – ‘sometimes when things are going right you don’t need the subs’
• Robbo and Mick putting MD to the sword over MOM awards – it’s Gilly!
• Gordo: always nice to win when you put the work into it – graft and determination got that result – Robbo and Rhys in the MF have been special – full backs were brilliant – does Robbo embody the characteristics you desire in a captain? ‘Yes, yes, yes’ – the ability to pass the ball is the be-all-end-all in football really
• We’re developing a really good spine – two centre-halves – Robbo/Rhys in MF – Mac up front – still need the keeper
• Mac – 3 goals – he’ll score goals and murder this league

We enjoyed the usual feast consisting of a battered, deep-fried live blog escalope served w/ a hearty portion of chipped BBC Radio Tees…satisfying post-meal fag optional…

Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Franks; McDonald, Killen

• ‘Cracking day for a match’ according to the broadcast team
• Palace an old side – 5 players over age 30
• Alan Lee opens the action on 5 minutes by smashing the post! The well-proportioned Irish striker – long a target in eyes of this blog – romps forward and cuts inside of Wheats to unleash a screamer that left Brad Jones flailing…
• Boro fashion a lead out of nothing: Gary O’Neil is unlocked down the right channel by a terrific ball from Justin Hoyte – he squares the ball to Scott McDonald who taps it in – Boro 1-0 Palace
• ‘The intelligence of Gary O’Neil’ crafted that goal says GG…a real poacher’s finish…proper strikers goal
• Time to raise the intensity after the goal – apply more pressure
• Everyone has a hearty laugh at Jay O’Shea’s banana-like boots…ah, hazing the new fish
• Great linkage between the midfield and attack, notably GON and Mac
• Mark Drury checks in pitchside w/ the latest instructions from the gaffer: take on the fullbacks – Ertl is a centre back and Matt Lawrence just arrived – get wide and test them
• AV confirmed the latest in a string of denied stonewall pens – Mac got to long ball over the top – Paddy McCarthy defends it sloppily, though not enough to stimulate referee Graham Salisbury…did he not see Paddy tugging him down?
• Andrew Taylor limps off after re-aggravating one of his seemingly many maladies…Kyle Naughton replaces him on 42 minutes
• Gordo remonstrating w/ the fourth official over the missed penalty call – the deep frustration surrenders to unlikely laughter
• The comic relief is short-lived as Palace get an equalizer deep into stoppage time – Alan Lee operated freely on the left to pick out Alassane N’Diaye – the young Frenchman finished w/ a fancy header from 12 yards out – Boro 1-1 Palace
• ‘Poor goal…good header’ is the supposition from above
• HT Boro 1-1 Palace
• Poor time and manner in which to concede – forces us to do something creative in the second half
• interval repast: tea/fags/Sports section of local rag
• Gary Gill begs of Justin Hoyte: ‘have a bit more belief son…use your pace…’
• Robbo tells everyone – probably in a menacing way – just calm down a little bit after a frantic spell
• Attendance – 18,028 (459 from Croydon)
• Palace defender Claude Davis suffers from karmic retribution after suspected hand ball  and a terrible lumbering foul on Leroy Lita…Robbo poleaxing him moments later offers a measure of justice…Ali thinks it’ll ‘clear his head…when he finds it…’. Boom!
• Jonathan Franks is a key ingredient in this Boro surge – he’s finding space down the left and working hard to provide good crosses – the peach he stood up at the back post for Mac – the header is looped over Julian Speroni and onto his net…later he switches up w/ substitute Jay O’Shea and buzzes down the right
• Despite all the turmoil – remember, Palace would be battling w/ us for playoff positioning if not for their points deduction – the visitors lay claim to the 3rd best away record in the league…with a point already secured will they blag a win?
• 3 minutes added
• GG MOM – Jonathan Franks
• FT Boro 1-1 Crystal Palace
• 10 unbeaten at home, but ultimately not good enough – feels like a draw should: 2 points wasted instead of 1 gained
• The body language of the players trudging off the pitch confirms as much – it wasn’t an overly-physical affair and the conditions were more than acceptable – this dejection comes from within the team
• Paul Hart brought a resolute, compact, and organised side to our place…eerily similar to the Pompey match last spring when we desperately needed something then too…what ever could be the correlation?
• Gordo has the last words: we lacked in bravery – mentally – not a strong enough performance – this he feels is the most dominant performance of since his arrival, inferring it to be better than Newcastle a few weeks back – quality and imagination were the key missing factors

Boro did just enough in the last match to stay on the radar, though the blips are ominously sporadic. Finishing strongly in the last six matches is imperative, not just for chasing a mathematical mirage – also setting a firm foundation for a project looking set to miss a critical deadline…

Extended notes on the Watford affair:

Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Miller, Killen

• The notorious virus that put Hurworth on lockdown earlier this week beats its path through the non-playing participants of the traveling Boro party: Gary Gill is out – Craig Hignett in – and to prove the infection reaches far across the periphery of the official traveling party Eric Paylor is rendered below fitness for the trip down w/ AV – Tallentire has his gear packed and ready beside the bed

• On loan winger Jay O’Shea on the bench after limited training w/ his temporary teammates

• CG fondly recalls playing days w/ Martin Taylor – bizarrely also on loan from Brummie FC like our Irish winger – despite the recent reputation as a vile oaf he’s a real gentle giant – Tiny to his friends apparently…

• Quick start from the hosts – Tom Cleverley goes for accuracy over pace w/ his free kick – save B Jones inside of the first 2 minutes

• Boro don’t get going until the 13^th minute – off a cleared Watford corner GON romps forward cavalierly and shoots wide of Scott Loach’s target

• If Malky Mackay doesn’t get a job soon after he’s sacked maybe he can shill throat lozenges? The BBC Radio Tees effects microphones catch his every screeching shout

• Watford break through on 18 minutes: a corner was only half-cleared and it falls to former Boro man John Eustace – he volleys sweetly from the edge of the area past Jonesey and into the goal – Watford 1-0 Boro

• Blame Mark Drury for that goal implores CG – he was calling the goal scorer John Useless pre-match

• That goal was a bad augur: Watford unbeaten in 13 matches this campaign when they’ve opened the scoring – 10W 3D

• Alternatively we have the most losses from a 1-0 scoreline in the league…most wins from a 2-0 result too…what’s it all mean?

• Last team to beat Gareth Southgate? It was these Hornets a mere 4 days before Gaz – born in Watford! – got the sack

• An uneven performance from the referee Roger East so far, and probably not surprising given his ostensible geographical bias – 3 yellow cards for our lot – and a failure to send off Henri Lansbury for a rash of inappropriate fouls and tackles

• HT Watford 1-0 Boro – total rubbish so far

• CG opines: same old story for the Boro – punished by one or two lapses of judgment; lack of fluidity amongst the lumbering strike force and a lack of the final ball…their keep hasn’t done much; bring on LL to wreak havoc on this awful pitch…his pace can trouble their defenders and punish them for any sort of transgression

• Mark Drury reports that Gordo is cutting an increasingly frustrating figure on the bench -lambastes Mick and Killen for silly bookings – and laments being too lenient w/ the opponents so far…they’re there for the taking, insomuch as it was them who feared getting trousered early and succumbing the way we used to

• 2^nd half resumes w/ Leroy lurking on the sideline – his introduction finally occurs in the 50^th minute, replacing Lee Miller…why not just do it at half-time?

• Especially if he sparks the attack like this! His diligence deep in the Watford half earns a corner – and then moments later links well w/ Barry Robson to produce a pop on goal…

• And then he only goes and levels the effing match! LL scraps w/ Lloyd Doyley to win a 50-50 ball and plays it wide to GON – he chips a cross back towards goal and Leroy nods it home – Watford 1-1 Boro – 55 minutes

• That Henri Lansbury is a dirty little fucker – a spate of ruthless fouls that go largely unpunished until he finally copped a yellow card

• Last away win for Boro remains the 4-1 mauling @ Doncaster in January

• Horrendous surface at Vicarage Road – balls bobbling and forcing extra touches that’s slowing down any momentum – but both sides have to deal with it equally…no longer should an inferior surface be attributed to a poor and unacceptable performance

• Tom Cleverley has easily been the best player on the pitch…and he just absolutely whacked the crossbar!

• ‘A constant whirl of conversation’ on the touchline between the gaffers and fourth official

• 15 minutes left and it’s the first real spot of bother for Brad Jones: instead of securing a benign cross into his area it’s palmed out to Cleverley – Jonesey’s positioning saves him as he’s perfectly restricting a clear sight on goal

• Heidar Helguson springs to life in the final 10 minutes: the flag stays down as he latches onto a ball from the ubiquitous Cleverley and goes close; moments later David Wheater produces a superb block before the Icelandic striker can fire off a round

• Now a lack of shorts plagues us – apparently the fans saw a bit too much of Jonathan Franks as he came on for Julio Arca earlier…not only is he to occupy his place on the pitch, but his shorts too in a kit cock-up redolent of the trip to Peterborough
• Attendance: 14038 – well done to the 1132 away supporters who made the trek

• CG MOM: Mick

• FT Watford 1-1 Boro

A fair result overall…we defended well and really improved attack-wise after the break…Leroy Lita was really bright, maintaining a firm disposition full of endeavour and drive…hopefully the petulant transgressions of the recent past are history

Crystal Palace come Saturday to The Riverside…different agendas for sure, but desperate all the same…

Cheers to the lads in the virtual end for being our conduit to the match Tuesday - our latent paranoia had the boss increasingly leery of the note-scribbling and fierce application-toggling on the work PC during Derby, so we experimented w/ an unfiltered micro-blogesque approach on the mobile: 

Jones/Hoyte/Wheats/Mick/Pogi/Franks/Robbo/Rhys/Bennett/Miller/Killen

• Cameron Park on the bench
• No Mac or GON
• Tight hamstring for Mac – not too serious
• SSL roundly booed on first touch
• Wheats header – 3 mins – from Robbo cross…harmlessly over…
• 12 mins – not much happening @ all
• Miller goes close on 15…square pass from Franks foraging down the right…shot goes wide
• 23 mins – 2nd hand ball call - Robbo before the Wallace free kick…Killen this time
• PNE pen shout as Mick floored a tricking Wallace near 20 mins
• GOAL – Killen from a Robbo beauty cross – off the post – 29 mins…
• BBC gossip says he wants to stay also…
• YC Darren Carter – 31 mins
• YC Ross Wallace – 32 mins
• YC Mick – 40 mins
• Wallace dangerous w/ pace and flair + the thumping free kicks
• HT Boro 1-0 PNE
• 2nd half – Bennett off – Naughton on
• Other scores: Pool tonking Swansea/Brizzle Barnsley goal explosion/Toon up on Donny/Plymouth over Town/Scunny murdering Posh 4 nil
• Boro start brightly: Franks/Naughton/Wheats all have a go @ A Lonergan early in the half
• B Jones winning them back? Early fave for MOM 2nd match running…
• Pogi off – Tayls on – 58 mins
• Brown and Hart off – Jones/Parkin on – 63 mins…will we weather a tactical change from the opposition?
• Att – 16794 (560 away)
• Miller dreadful at holding up the long balls we’ve been reduced to…he’s off – LL on – 71 mins
• Another PNE pen shout waved off? Mick foul on Carter? Away fans go mental…
• 3 mins added
• GG MOM – B Jones
• GOAL – Boro kill it off – Franks tucks it in after a hilarious mishit clearance from SSL - Boro 2-0 PNE
• FT Boro 2-0 PNE

Gordo said post match that sometimes it has nothing to do with football – doubtful he said as much during a reportedly blistering half-time bollocking. The following performance and result – coupled w/ the outcomes of other fixtures – ensured the visit to Vicarage Road is as must-win as the last. Jay O’Shea is in on loan from Birmingham City and goes straight into the squad. Serendipitous on two fronts: Gordo is maintaining his och-aye ties w/ countryman  Alex McLeish – and the Irish lad was a rumoured target of Gaz. Alas,  pipped again by a club consolidating in the Prem positions we used to occupy…

Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, Grounds, Pogatetz; Robson, O’Neil, Franks, Arca; Killen, McDonald

• Brad Jones back in goal – they say it’s to punish Danny Coyne for a dodgy performance at Derby…doesn’t it just really punish all of us?
• No Mick – he took ill prior to the match and naffed off home – Jonathan Grounds replaces him in the heart of defence
• Boro experimenting w/ a 4-3-3 formation: Franks pushes forward to create the trident attack w/ Killen/Mac…is it the type of improvisation inferred by Gordo midweek?
• Ali Brownlee lyricizes that he can ‘barely see the Eston Hills but for the mist’…why is he always pilloried by a lot of the locals?
• Reading bring an organized game – the hallmark of their recent surge…the clear form team in the league and fashionable dark horse playoff pick…
• 24^th permutation of the back line. Twenty fourth! And the 37 players used in the league equal the mark set by the promotion winning squad of 1997-98…
• Pogi – bravely available to play, however short-sighted his appointment to the first choice LB role may be, is getting forward…in the 19^th minute he advances deep enough to loft a beautiful cross into the Reading box – Killen rises and gets good contact but his effort sails wide
• Gary Gill comments on the state of David Wheater: experiencing pain ‘in the nethers’, while giggling like a school child
• The derision aimed at Jonesey was somewhat less than anticipated – on 30 minutes he cancels out a strong header from Shane Long…Jobi McAnuff supplied the ball…strong left hand from Brad
• The goalkeeper heroics are about the peak of the first half highlights…mundane, insipid, languid, dire…they’re all appropriate
• HT Boro 0-0 Reading 
• Reading had the best chance courtesy of Shane Long – GG reckons we’d have a few ourselves if not for the absence of good final balls…he elucidates: half chances for us, no more – more input needed from Mac and Franks too
• 2^nd starts on a high – after a half time rollicking? – 77 seconds is all that’s needed for Boro to take command of the match: Justin Hoyte delivers from the right – a real peach of a cross – and Chris Killen climbs majestically to beat Reading keeper Adam Federici -   Boro 1-0 Reading – 47 minutes 
• It’s the start of a dominating spell for the hosts – immediately after the goal Boro win it back and GON romps forward to offer a strong shot – tangible improvements so far
• Referee Andy Hall is a taskmaster: 25 yellow cards and two reds dished out…in his last 5 matches…seems the virtual rent-a-mob that has him in their sights is entirely justified – he’s kept it in his trousers so far – Julio Arca is the only name in his book so far
• GG is royalty after all: the anointed King of Linthorpe Road says his broadcast partner
• The pace of the match has picked up nicely, and it’s chiefly down to one man: Jimmy Kebe - the Mali international has caused all sorts of bother for Pogi down the right – this time his cross isn’t dealt w/ properly and it slaps off of David Wheater and into the Boro – no immediate anger at Brad Jones – Boro 1-1 Reading – 63 mins
• Attendance: 17082 (375 away fans)
• The largely anonymous Scott McDonald taken off for former Royal Leroy Lita – he’s looking to make it 2 in 2 against his old club this season
• Chris Killen presses Adam Federici again – great movement from the Kiwi as he rolled his marker and belted a shot that thumped off the keeper’s chest
• Cameo appearance for Marvin Emnes – he joins the action to replace Jonathan Franks – Gordo is hoping for a turbo boost of our own that can rival the pace of Kebe
• Late on it’s Jonesey standing tall – a dangerous free kick from Sigurdsson is punched straight into the air inside the Boro area – the former understudy keeper does well to collect in the dying moments of regular time
• GG MOM – Brad Jones
• The 5 minutes added come to mostly nothing – Reading had a decent go to force another Jonesey save – for Boro there was a promising corner that was cleared quite easily – no real impact from the subs – LL shot his bolt when he scored down there – and Marvin might need a bit more time to assimilate to the English game for he lost possession far too easily…yet again
• FT Boro 1-1 Reading

We’re drawing ourselves into the Championship table for next season, before that high-profile scheduler at the league offices has to…Preston on Tuesday w/ a few wankers in tow…namely their gaffer and star centre-half

 Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Killen, McDonald

• Marvin Emnes no longer missing in action – he’s back on the bench…still no Nani though
• Barry Robson continues his recent brilliance – inside 3 minutes his free kick seems destined for the Derby net, only to be headed away to safety at the last
• Talk about fine fettle: Robbo opens the scoring for us again! A wonder strike from the edge of the area into the top right corner past a helpless David Martin – Derby 0-1 Boro – 15 mins
• Gordon Strachan Appreciation Society thriving on AV’s live blog – the old resistance to the new gaffer it certainly isn’t on display here
• Danny Coyne earning the virtual platitudes too for his overall composure
• And it’s gone straight to his head around 30 minutes as he tries to invoke some of the past goalkeeping calamities – some butterfingers moments are mitigated nicely by intervention from Mick
• Results at this stage – 40 mins in – going our way…sort of: Coventry losing…to Cardiff – but oh, Blackpool are down…to Sheff Utd…double balls!
• Completely unrelated to the goings on at Pride Park, and maybe best kept to ourselves…we’ve quite the soft spot for plucky Plymouth…Paul Mariner seems a good geezer and he’s quite familiar w/ our part of the world
• HT Derby 0-1 Boro
• Gary Gill thinks we look quite comfortable – Ali Brownlee goes further, saying we’re bossing the middle of the park and doing what we please
• 30 seconds into the 2^nd half GON is clattered – down momentarily but good to continue – Gordo only has 4 recognised midfielders you know
• AV chimes in amid the love-in for Barry Robson: ‘To be fair you wouldn’t want Robson to look at you… he has the black cold eyes of a shark, totally focused on the prey, and he has the tetchy Caledonian growl of of David Moyes too. Scary. Respect.’
• Boro continue the search for a second goal which could well kill off this affair – Mac looked to have bagged it in the 57^th min if not for a questionable off side decision
• Failure to step on the throat is finally punished: Chris Porter – recently on for Robbie Savage – powers home a header at the far post…Coyne lacked the inches to properly divert the ball…67 mins – Derby 1-1 Boro
• Double bugger as they say…6 minutes later it’s Michael Tonge – on loan from Stoke – volleying home from 25 yards to give the hosts a shock lead…Derby 2-1 Boro…two Derby crosses dealt with before the clearance fell nicely to the former Blades midfielder
• Gordo is going for it though – Lee Miller on for Arca in the 83^rd min to join recent sub Leroy Lita up front w/ Scott McDonald
• Hope is substituted for resignation after Rhys Williams commits a second bookable offence – first yellow given in 1^st half stoppage time – and is correctly sent off in the 88^th min – petulant foul on Dean Leacock
• Amazing spirit and fight under less than ideal circumstances! Leroy Lita atones for past transgressions by heading home an unlikely equalizer in stoppage time – Derby 2-2 Boro
• The rediscovered goodwill is quickly eviscerated – keep your damn kit on man…please fine and/or rollick him
• GG MOM – Barry Robson
• FT Derby 2-2 Boro

Additionally there’s the specter of wasting glorious opportunities to close ground on 6^th place. Cardiff are in anticipated freefall…Blackpool stuttered at The Hawthorns…Sheffield United and new entry Coventry drew at the weekend. At the risk of getting all revisionist, if Leroy Lita operates within the confines of normal football convention and plays to the whistle at Forest, and keeps his hand out of the flight path of an incoming ball, we’d be sat on 50 points w/ those Bluebirds and Tangerines. Bollocks to lessons learned. We have to be better. It’s that sort of brutal candour from the gaffer that will revive the culture and move this club on.

It was a multi-partner fete last match day. AV and the lads on the live blog to start…a sampling of the seductive duo of Alistair Brownlee and Gary Gill…then a final carnal pleasure: live streaming video scrambled from the Middle East. It was all quite tasteful and satisfying…

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Killen, McDonald

• Mac is back – received the full spa treatment at Hurworth: injections, massages, aromatherapy, nonsensical new age music, and an overload of vitamin A
• His resiliency is tested early on – 2 mins in he’s elbowed by Coloccini whilst chasing a ball in the Geordie box – shouts for a penalty are waved away
• Toon have only won once away from home since December – at Vicarage Road against Watford on 27 Feb 10
• Mark Drury on the first 15: we’re competitive – fancying our chances against a reshuffled back four
• Newcastle get the opener after doing eff all so far – Gutierrez slots a ball through our central defenders and Peter Lovenkrands gets on the end and coolly slots home from 12 yards – Boro 0-1 Newcastle – 16 mins
• Wheats caught flat-footed on the ball that led to the goal – would prove to be an ambivalent day for the lad
• Gordon Strachan imploring Chris Killen to do more than look big – our full-backs are doing the job getting the ball in – he has to do better to hold up play
• First real chance for Boro – from a free kick Barry Robson unleashes an absolute thunderbolt – Steve Harper elongates to deny the Scot
• This is the 116^th meeting in the Tyne-Tees derby – Toon still edging it w/ 45 wins to Boro’s 35…26 draws for those liberal arts majors out there
• What a fantastic goal! Barry Robson – a name fast becoming synonymous with Teesside quality – with a stunner that reduces Steve Harper to spectator – from 20 yards out he arrows it inside the goal into the side netting – Boro 1-1 Newcastle – 36 mins
• More on the goal which conjured ‘absolute ecstasy’: not much back lift on the strike, and as he cut in it was doubtful he’d have a pop – a superlative strike
• Gary Gill wonders aloud, ‘did Pancrate really play for Paris Saint-Germain?’ Ali replies tersely, ‘allegedly’…keep those boys off the ale!
• Andrew Taylor so far: rather effective…
• Attendance – 27347 – (3743 Jawdees)
• HT – Boro 1-1 Newcastle
• GG says: we’ve been unconvincing defensively – haven’t dealt well w/ mazy runs from Lovenkrands, as evidenced by their goal – overall we’re the better side to this point
• The Riverside has been a cauldron thus far – the unveiling of a brilliant Trophy Virgins banner from the Red Faction has increased the steam
• Julio Arca feels it – the man quite familiar w/ north east derbies – gallops onto a delicious ball from GON down the left channel – his shot is smothered by Harper and out for a corner – just needed the same kind of flick his fellow countryman uses every now and then
• 67 minutes – more audacity from Arca as he intercepts a poor clearance and bursts forward for a shot – over, but encouraging
• Scott McDonald’s fitness levels aren’t a concern at all – he’s everywhere…Killen improving too
• Account opened! From a Robson free kick on the right – Killen climbs and nods it back across the box – Mac is there to swivel and score from inside the 6 – a lovely finish under duress – Boro 2-1 Newcastle
• Wheats cancels out an onrushing Leon Best in the 79^th minute – a superb sliding challenge…the highlight of a lackluster display
• Lacklustre what? Andy Carroll displays the kind of form that has historically killed us…in the reserves – he grabs and guides a cross from Tamas Kadar w/ his left boot, past a forlorn Danny Coyne – Boro 2-2 Newcastle
• Carroll gets a chance to blag a winner – Stephen McManus present to stifle a decent scoring opportunity – 86 mins
• Killen and his substitute, Lee Miller, draw the ire of the referee w/ their imposing and physical play
• 4 mins added
• GG MOM – Scott McDonald
• FT Boro 2-2 Newcastle
• Post match brief: ‘a real, real shame’…’the best performance under Gordon Strachan’, asserts Mark Drury

Derby – County that is – away on Tuesday…will results continue to go our way? Can we take advantage?