01 Oct 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Coventry – Oakwell

The home side are unbeaten in six, with five consecutive draws following a crucial away result at Reading – 8 points from 18 isn’t the sexiest return, however it’s pure enough to keep Keith Hill out of the shit, for now.

Trips for Sky Blues supports more resemble death marches these days: just one point and two goals in the league, never mind the 3-1 beat down doled out by Bury in the league cup…Barnsley 2-0 Coventry

Blackpool v Bristol City – Bloomfield Road

Ian Holloway will have to ogle his new temporary toy, Liverpool midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, from the stands as he serves a one match touchline ban following the invective directed towards the fourth official Tuesday against Coventry.

Chairman Colin Sexstone is detecting the unrest from all corners: the hopelessness broadcast by the tweens on their mobiles and the general ennui from within Ashton Gate. It may be time for a big change, perhaps a new face with fresh ideas who can convert the few existing assets in to a new side capable a returning to the heady days of promotion contention…Blackpool 2-1 Bristol City

Crystal Palace v West Ham – Selhurst Park

Oh those bongo barons are cheeky fuckers. Sure, you’ll take problem child Carlito off of Cit-eh’s hands, back to the bosom of his English football immersion. The overriding suspicion is that Big Sam just wants to cuddle and tickle the little codger, and get recipes for mouthwatering variations of asado.

Palace remain a conundrum, oscillating between superlative, like against Brighton, and absolute shite, similar to the away loss at Doncaster. The exciting pieces are there, and the wonder of Wilfried has now reached the continent…Palace 1-2 West Sam

Hull v Cardiff – KC Stadium

The steady stream of one-nil results has been abated after draws at the dregs of the league. It hasn’t dented the fine form that keeps Big Nige and his charges balls deep in the promotion push.

Cardiff scored an impressive win to dent league leaders Southampton at midweek – Kenny Miller reappeared after an eight game goal drought to bag an important double, both for club fortunes and individual confidence…Hull 1-1 Cardiff

Ipswich v Brighton – Portman Road

The home side don’t just look good on paper anymore. Last weekend at the Riverside Jimmy Bullard, Keith Andrews, Ibrahima Sonko, they all showed some of the inflated promise and skill their wages suggest.

Maybe a spell away from the new ground is in order for Brighton? Six goals shipped in the last two, forcing a slip from the previous clip that saw newly-rewarded Gus Poyet at the very summit…Town 2-2 Brighton

Leeds v Portsmouth – Elland Road

Fifteen goals in the last six, **cough** eleven conceded **cough**, sees Leeds near the top of the form table. The main propellant is Ross McCormack with eight league goals – nine in all comps. Consider the Davide Somma void filled.

Steve Cotterill is already seeing the benefits of new, committed ownership with the loan capture of the better looking Riise brother, Bjorn Helge. It’s subtle on the surface, but infers a certain ambition to actually build a talented squad compromised of desirable players. What a concept…Dirty Leeds 2-1 Pompey

Millwall v Burnley – New Den

It was a dubious end to a monastic period of abstinence, Liam Feeney’s goal getting some slight aid from Lloyd Doyley – either way it ended an embarrassing period that’s put Millwall on the fast track to the bottom.

Jay Rodriguez got a pair in the conflagration over Forest to redress his goal disparity between league and cup. They can kick on here over a bruised and introverted Millwall side, proving Tuesday’s wonder result wasn’t a circumstantial aberration…Millwall 2-3 Burnley

Peterborough v Doncaster – London Road

John Ryan was thinking about changes back in the summer, starting with mascot. The demise of Donny-as-the-darkhorse-darlings was rapid and blunt, forcing an inevitable change. Dean Saunders has imbued a new spirit in his short time as head man – it’s one of many attributes required to scrape this side off the bottom.

Posh boss Lil Ferg is dishing out the praise for hard man Gabby Zakuani, bypassing a broken toe to shine in a recent five game stretch where Peterborough have stemmed the tide of goals conceded ever so slightly…Posh 3-1 Donny

Reading v Middlesbrough – Madejski Stadium

Boro are fucked without Leroy Lita here, no? The Swansea striker was Boro’s best battering ram in seasons past against Reading, who bullied their way to 5-2 romping last time these two met at the Madejski.

Tony Mowbray knows there’s no mini-crisis of confidence after consecutive home nil-nils – Brian McDermott meanwhile is encouraged by the response of his players after a wretched start saw them flirting with disaster…Reading 2-2 Boro

Southampton v Watford – St. Mary’s

Recent slip ups at Burnley and Cardiff have not been enough to dislodge Southampton from its lofty perch – they remain top going in to the weekend thanks to a singular goal difference. St Mary’s provides the comfort of perfection this term: six wins total – four in the league.

Watford are proving sterner competition that what was projected in August, giving early validation to the appointment of Sean Dyche. Some of the creativity sold off in the summer has been replaced with greater discipline, making the Vicarage Road club a thorny test…Southampton 2-1 Watford

5.20p

Leicester v Derby – King Power Stadium

The last four for Sven have been peculiarly economical, with six points gained through a miserly two goals. Sven has never been one to care about how the knickers drop, so long as they ultimately, surrenderingly, do.
The positive, vibrant start by Derby faces it’s test now: can the run be sustained as we head into October? It was near this stage where the threads started to unravel last term – Nigel Clough worked hard and spent well to get men in to prevent a recurrence…Leicester 1-1 Derby

02 Oct 11

3.00p

Nottingham Forest v Birmingham – City Ground

What odds Steve McClaren makes it to Monday? This has boring, reductive 0-0 tattooed all over it. Especially with Birmingham recharging after a great win in Maribor Thursday in Europa League action.

The ingredients for whatever formula the former Boro boss was conjuring when he took the job just are not present – and the recalcitrance and indifference of the Forest board is doing nothing to mollify the situation…Trees 0-0 Brummie Blue

Now the gaffer embarks on the laborious task of scouring the loan markets. The one or two strikers he had hoped to bring in will have to be those whelps, wonders and journeymen left off official 25 man rosters for the top two divisions. Nothing too expensive, unless the loan club is willing to subsidise a substantial portion safe in the knowledge their commodities will enjoy some flourishing, free-flowing football, for up to 93 days anyway. Below are 10 possible targets, rated on varying levels of probability…

Realistic

Luca Scapuzzi – Manchester City – striker – Italian – 20 –  eight years in the Milan youth set-up  - featured in the Dublin Super Cup, scoring against a League of Ireland XI and making bench in the City 0-3 against Inter

Oumare Tounkara – Sunderland – striker – French – 21 –  back from a decent spell at Oldham last season, scoring 7 goals in 44 appearances – offers exceptional size with some of the continetal flair Tony Mowbray has been known to appreciate

Casey Thomas – Swansea – striker – Welsh youth international at U17/U19/U21 – 20 – only 1 senior appearance, against us in our Champo bow back in August 2009 – lower league loans at Newport County and Port Talbot haven’t been too enriching for player or parent club – on the surface he may not be ready for semi-regular action at this level

Rob Hulse – QPR – striker/quintessential target man – English – 31 – previous rumoured target under Southgate and Strachan – work ethic and goal scoring is somewhat questionable – he’s an older Kris Boyd, and frankly superfluous in Boro’s preferred system

Roman Bednar – West Brom – striker/brute – Czech Republic – 28 – surprisingly named to the Premier League 25 man squad – he’s a handful on and off the pitch – cautioned for a minor drugs offence and suspended by the Baggies in May 2009 – back after spending the last 6 months in Turkey w/ Ankaragucu, which was the direct result of his nullifying an agreed move to Bristol City last January

Saido Berahino – West Brom – striker – Burundi born, now represents England at U20 level – 18 – scored a goal at the U20 world Cup in Colombia against the Aussies – he was dead chuffed over it

Ambitious

Harry Kane – Spurs – striker – English – 18 – good spell at Leyton Orient in the second half of 2010-11 – made his senior debut in Europa League reverse fixture against Hearts – won a penna, and failed to convert it – perhaps he’s not ready to leave the safe womb of London just yet

Callum McManaman – Wigan – striker – Scouse – 20 – kid is highly regarded by Roberto Martinez – offers versatility up front or out wide – distant relative of former Liverpool and Real Madrid favourite Steve McManaman, meaning he has post-career punditry deep in his DNA

Too Ambitious?

Simeon Jackson – Norwich City – striker – Canadian – 24 – a decent career goal scroring record: 93 in 237 at Rushden & Diamonds, Gillingham and the might Shopmates of Raunds Town – seemingly fourth choice behind Grant Holt, Steve Morison, and James Vaughan for Paul Lambert now – imagine him and Marvin Emnes abusing the stationary and limited centre backs that litter this division; a Dutchie and a Jamaican (by birth) blazing the grass beneath them

Adam Hammill – Wolves – winger – Scouse – 23 – creative left-sided player who can push forward to support up top – hot commodity in the January transfer window – Mick McCarthy got him for a pittance – first team opportunities could continue to dwindle with livewire Matt Jarvis and the ever-divisive Stephen Hunt ahead of him in the midfield pecking order

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

Going up

Leicester: something tells us Sven has one huge – non-sexual – triumph left in him – we all know there’s loads more conquests of the most elusive prey in his future

Cardiff: the man tasked with arresting the annual late-season choke/slide has assembled the best strike tandem in the division: Robert Earnshaw and Kenny Miller could terrorise this league

Playoff contestants

Hull (promoted): Paul McKenna and Dele Adebola – a dual signing with Big Nige’s DNA all over it – McKenna is a warrior, and Adebola presents opposing defences with myriad problems

Blackpool: love the Barry Ferguson signing – not so crazy about losing DJ Campbell and Luke Varney – they should be in the frame just to unsettle the Premier League establishment, threatening to rile the avaricious suits with more brutal candour

Middlesbrough: a full season – with no gaffer drama – under Tony Mowbray is the Boro supporter’s idea of hope and wonderment – a lack of summer transfer activity suggests an onus to be placed on some of the touted kids like Park, Reach, Williams, Franks and others

West Ham: where are Ivan Campo and Stelios? old Bolton mates like Kevin Davies, Matt Taylor, Joey O’Brien and Abdoulaye Faye are waiting for your sign – let’s try, really try, to make it work again

Balls deep in the race

Reading: Matt Mills was flipped for a princely profit – Shane Long could be next – this is Jobi McAnuff’s team now

Portsmouth: stability, that’s what Steve Cotterill provides – and now he can buy players! Luke Varney and David Norris represent quality additions at this level

Leeds: the traffic at Elland Road has been one way: out – Simon Grayson needs reinforcements now with Davide Somma out for an extended period and Luciano Becchio recovering from a pre-season injury

Ipswich: there’s suspiciously optimistic expectations at Portman Road – yeah, Chopra and Stockdale are good signings, but it’s Paul Jewell…

On the faint periphery

Burnley: it might not be so rosy for Eddie Howe now – he’s been told to trim the wage bill of veterans and other valuable assets – Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears, Graham Alexander, Clark Carlisle, they’re all gone – at least Jay Rodriguez remains to occupy the lonely spotlight

Brighton: marquee acquisition Craig Mackail-Smith needs to exceed his modest 10 goal tally last time round in this division – they should be likeable given the myth and beauty of the local area, but the sponsor for their brand new ground are mighty oppressors

Mid-table security

Crystal Palace: a fair few Palace supporters are hoping for a quiet, uneventful, mid-table finish – no administration, no managerial upheaval, just some spirited football

Birmingham: if anyone knows how to kerb relegation turmoil, it’s Chris Hughton – it remains to be seen how much the Hong Kong Phooey sideshow will affect operations

Derby: Nigel Clough slagged off his old players enough that his board got him 8 new ones – getting them to play together like they’ve known each other for years is an entirely different challenge

Nottingham Forest: how soon before a forlorn McClaren realises his title-winning FC Twente side were much better players than this largely-inherited lot?

Uncomfortable for a while

Bristol City: Keith Millen has some talent at his disposal in Nicky Maynard, Albert Adomah and Marvin Elliott – they could help produce a surprising finish…or finance a radical rennovation

Peterborough: Darren Ferguson will win the interview of the season award hands down…cos he’ll be the only nominee – 4 or 5 choice bites promulgating how much better his side were, and how the  scoreline was flattering to the victors

Southampton: looking forward to facing Rickie Lambert to be honest – and the Chamberlain kid, if his old man hasn’t forced a move by then

Cause for serious concern

Watford: congratulations Sean Dyche on your first head job – sorry about flogging our leading scorer from last year…and those creative midfielders – we still have Martin Taylor

Millwall: surely it was impossible to resist cashing in on Steve Morison – replacing his bags of goals will force a few reflective pauses in the Den

Coventry (relegated): still shocked that woman-beater Marlon King turned his back on the club that foolishly threw him a guaranteed lifeline back into football

Barnsley (relegated): Keith Hill looks like a good shout for first to be sacked – there’s nothing sexy or creative about them since Adam Hammill left

Doncaster (relegated): it was a fun ride while it lasted – Rovers will have exhausted their recent relegation elusiveness come April

Coventry
League position: 17th – 45 pts
Form: 19th
Remaining fixtures: Derby (a), Portsmouth(a), Millwall, Scunthorpe, Boro (a), Reading, Norwich

Saturday’s clash with fellow strugglers Derby can provide a tremendous boost for either, should anyone care to win it…Digger also outlined another bleak scenario for the Sky Blues earlier this week: essentially they’re fucked if relegation happens and they could very well do a Plymouth

Boro
League position: 18th – 45 pts
Form: 11th
Remaining fixtures: Sheff Utd (a), Ipswich (a), Barnsley, Burnley (a), Hull (a), Coventry, Cardiff (a), Doncaster

The roadmap to safety was done and dusted weeks ago…where have you been?

Derby
League position: 19th – 44 pts
Form: 22nd
Remaining fixtures: Coventry, Leeds, QPR (a), Burnley, Norwich (a), Bristol City, Reading (a)

If the gap between the Rams and the bottom three was just a bit smaller you would nominate this lot as serious candidates for the drop…five of the last seven are against high-flyers, and Bristol City is top of the form table

Doncaster
League position: 20th – 44 pts
Form: 20th
Remaining fixtures: Cardiff, Preston, Hull (a), Crystal Palace, Barnsley (a), Leicester, Boro (a)

Sean O’Driscoll’s men largely control their own destiny: beat back fellow strugglers Preston and Crystal Palace and safety should be attainable…the crippling injury troubles and woeful recent form still put the gaffer in better stead as opposed to the miserable situation he averted by declining the head gig at Bramall Lane

Crystal Palace
League position: 21st – 42 pts
Form: 13th
Remaining fixtures: Ipswich (a), Leicester (a), Scunthorpe, Doncaster (a), Leeds, Hull (a), Nottingham Forest

As much as we’d like to credit Lennie Lawrence for the predicted successful escape act we cannot…Palace have gained a cohesion and discipline under Dougie Freedman that was sorely absent under the previous regime…form has stabilised and the Eagles have garnered a reputation as a rather difficult proposition to break down

Sheff Utd
League position: 22nd – 35 pts
Form: 17th
Remaining fixtures: Boro, Cardiff, Preston (a), Bristol City, Reading (a), Barnsley, Swansea (a)

The recent wins against Forest and Leeds will prove to be a false dawn: this lot are going down, and as long as the Ginger Mourinho keeps the other city club up we’re heading towards some eye-popping League One attendance numbers for the next installments of the Sheffield derby

Preston
League position: 23rd – 34 pts
Form: 7th
Remaining fixtures: Portsmouth (a), Doncaster (a), Sheff Utd, Millwall (a), Cardiff, Ipswich (a), Watford

What an achievement it would be if Phil Brown can pull it off…by our rudimentary reckoning PNE need 5 wins, and a couple of them will have to come in a decidedly underdog role…we’ll be watching and hoping…if it doesn’t hopefully there will be a kind, genial gent there to talk us off the bridge

Scunthorpe
League position: 24th – 34 pts
Form: 23rd
Remaining fixtures: QPR, Reading, Crystal Palace (a), Coventry (a), Millwall, Nottingham Forest (a), Portsmouth

Alan Knill will get his shot at League One, albeit through an unconventional route…he should have the last three matches to get a head start on the return to the third tier…no need to cry though, cos Scunny know the way out of that division rather well

Anti-climactic as it may appear, the bottom three will be as follows:

22. Preston

23. Scunthorpe

24. Sheff Utd

Coming up we’ll take a gander at who is, erm, coming up…from down below in League One. Stay tuned…

Fifty points is generally the target for survival in this division, though some posit that the woeful form of Preston and Sheffield United actually lowers that number this time round – a number as low as 45 may do the trick. However close that target appears now, Boro still need results to cement their escape from once-calamitous circumstances. Here’s our casual analysis of the final 10 league matches – a forecast of where we get the points, and a genera estimation of where it leaves us after the final whistle on 07 May 11…

Boro v Watford

Reverse fixture: Watford 3-0 Boro

League position:8th

Form: 6th

This lot have beat us in three straight. We even lost to them during their brief Prem appearance in 2006-07 when they still had Ashley Young for fuck’s sake! Clearly a recent bogey club – a draw would be a positive step

Boro v Leicester

Reverse fixture: Leicester 0-0 Boro

League position: 10th

Form: 13th

Sven and his band of big-wage mercenaries, augmented with a bit of the bargain hitman Andy King, have rescued the fortunes imperiled by the flaccid start under Paulo Sousa – something tells us Boro will experience an international break hangover on the way to a loss

Sheff Utd v Boro

Reverse fixture Boro 1-0 Sheff Utd

League position: 23rd

Form: 23th

From @mcwd last Saturday: Micky adams is practically resigning on bbc Sheffield now . Who could really blame him for a public suicide? One win since taking charge, leading his beloved Blades straight to the League One rendition of the Sheffield derby…if Megson keeps Wednesday up! We’ll draw, but it’ll feel much worse

Ipswich v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 1-3 Ipswich

League position: 16th

Form: 21st

Bomb investigators may refer to it as the point of impact or summat…our CSI-derived training and immersion fails us presently. What is most certainly was is the collection of moments where an entire support base realized they we’re being grifted by a domineering Glaswegian with an aversion to standard courtesy, backed by a blinded leader incapable of assuaging the masses. Tempted to go for a plucky win…it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve left someone’s ground with an unexpected full haul

Boro v Barnsley

Reverse fixture: Barnsley 2-0 Boro

League position: 15th

Form: 19th

Some qualify the earlier loss at Oakwell as late lapse that saw us miss out on precious points – at 1-0 down we were far superior and pushing for an equaliser when they hit us with a late haymaker…now that Adam Hammill is at Wolves a satisfying win should be easier to come by

Burnley v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 2-1 Burnley

League position: 7th

Form: 7th

It was Kink-tastic climaxes like the one at the Riverside which cemented the fate of Brian Laws – the Clarets were on an acute decline ever since Owen Coyle took that ‘lateral move’…Eddie Howe has come up from Bournemouth to craft a new brand of positive football…one that negatively results in a cruel loss

Hull v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 2-2 Hull

League position: 9th

Form: 9th

By the time this match happens Boro could be safe, unless Hull’s former resident fitness specialist Phil Brown cobbles together a hell of a run at Deepdale…they can’t play Scunthorpe 9 more times we won’t be, but the loss will feel less damaging

Boro v Coventry

Reverse fixture: Coventry 1-0 Boro

League position: 19th

Form: 22nd

Kick them while they’re down. Aidy Boothroyd is gone. Avenge the injustice suffered at the hands, and fists, of Marlon King at the Ricoh Arena…this will be a resounding win

Cardiff v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 1-0 Cardiff

League position: 4th

Form: 14th

With Hull, Watford, and Burnley bearing down we could get a first-hand account of another Cardiff late-season bottle job…how sweet would it taste to fuck up their plans for Wembley? An enterprising draw could help achieve that…

Boro v Doncaster

Reverse fixture: Doncaster 2-1 Boro

League position: 17th

Form: 15th

At this stage we’ll be on 53 points – provided the wild machinations listed above actually materialize…this could be a killshot…our flourishing season-ending win could confine Donny to League One

Yeah, we made it…56 points. Based on the last three final league tables that’s good for 14th or 15th…far from pre-season objectives. That final sensation you hear is the collective tearing of the final lot of betting slips, the ones that relied on daft suppositions. Like Kris Boyd scoring goals for fun. We were a deluded bunch, no?

Picks with proper sloppy commentary and ill hypotheses return in force!

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Sven looks to continue his resuscitation-with-just-a-bit-of-open-mouth-kissing on Leicester’s flat-lining campaign – a win here would hop the hosts and land conveniently in the crotch of mid table…Adam Hammill is setting hearts aflutter far and wide with his mature, commanding performances…Barnsley 1-1 Leicester

Bristol City v Preston – Ashton Gate

Chairman Steve Landsdown recently announced operating losses in the region of £11m – pack your gear there Jamo and get in that shop window with Marvin Elliott and stay there til the punters arrive! The Lillywhites may be flush in their own dosh if the palaver about Sean St. Ledger is true: Liverpool and Villa are set to joust over the right to abduct the wannabe attacking midfielder defender who irreparably shot David Wheater’s confidence…Bristol City 2-1 Preston

Coventry v Leeds United – Ricoh Arena

Like the crabs you’d get after sleeping with a bird from Coventry, Coventry just will not abate, residing loftily in fourth place – Leeds have lost four of six, shipping 15 goals in that span…reap what ye sow dirty beggars!! Coventry 3-2 Leeds

Doncaster v Millwall – Keepmoat Stadium

Somewhere in a parallel universe there’s an underachieving and disinterested Donny blogger unleashing a Sexual Healy blog post – the Northern Ireland goal hawk has just perched up outside of Sean O’Driscoll’s office to replace the talismanic Billy Sharp on a one month loan from Sunderland…Doncaster 2-2 Millwall

Hull v Scunthorpe – KC Stadium

Talks of a takeover from local businessmen Assem and Ehab Allam have silenced, shrouding the home side in more uncertainty, as if the stuttering start under Nigel Pearson wasn’t enough…Scunthorpe tick along like a classic functioning alcoholic: dependable, regular, and prone to the occasional bout of spasticity…Hull 1-1 Scunthorpe

Middlesbrough v Crystal Palace – Riverside Stadium

Mogga reunites on the touchline with mentor/nemesis George Burley – at least the Boro boss can claim innocence: shit was already fucked up when he arrived, where as his former gaffer is fairly culpable for shackling Palace to the foot of the table…Boro 2-1 Crystal Palace

Norwich v Burnley – Carrow Road

Clarification please on the new football administration accreditation available through the Clarets, with lectures taking place in the stands of Turf Moor: do we end up like Pompey or Palace, or just learn the best way to get clubs into those hopeless positions? Norwich 1-2 Burnley

QPR v Reading – Loftus Road

Rangers have finally been knocked from the top of the heap, but this still constitutes a salivating top six encounter…it seems like only 8 matches or so ago that Reading were the fodder for reigniting the Boro promotion push – now they’ve rocketed into the playoff positions…fucking cunts…QPR 3-1 Reading

Sheff Utd v Ipswich – Bramall Lane

Chris Morgan, the man who gift-wrapped Boro’s win over the Blades earlier this season, is out for the rest of the season – who will Gary Speed get to fill the filthy dirty cunt vacancy? Keano spat another soundbite gem recently; speaking of the dynamism of the loan market the madman proclaimed: sometimes you talk to a bird all night and don’t get her in the taxi…very prophetic…Sheff Utd 0-1 Ipswich

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Thank fucking Christ smogonthetyne now in nunthorpe exorcised his City Ground demons…daft metonymy equating The Trees to Forest completely obliterates our credibility…Watford 4-2 Nottingham Forest

5.20p

Derby v Portsmouth – Pride Park

@robbiesavage8 is a good follow on Twitter…that is if you have a soul-crushing job and clutch the Blackberry to escape the banality of a firewalled, corporate-master sanctioned internet…and for the 1871^st time we bellow: why the fuck did we not move for Liam Lawrence when he was available? Derby 2-1 Portsmouth

Sunday

1.10p

Cardiff v Swansea – Cardiff City Stadium

Our personal favourite derogatory chant involving this lot? Hey, Swansea, leave our sheep alone! (to the tune of Another Brick In The Wall) – hopefully the stewards can collect the change that will pelt linos, the ref, players, rozzers, whoever, to a Coinstar, or the Welsh equivalent…Cardiff 2-1 Swansea

This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

West Bromwich Albion – it’s their bi-yearly migration north…can they solve the riddle of consolidation? Roberto di Matteo goes from League One to the Prem in a meteoric two years…

Nottingham Forest – rode an amazing wave of form to control 3rd spot…tight, organised, fitter, and more up for it than most of the opposition…Billy Davies gets teams promoted…maintaining that status? not so much…

Cardiff City – overcame the usual late season bottle job, and
administration bother…bags of goals…they’d be entertaining if
promoted…

Leicester City – improbable cohesion – Nigel Pearson should be investigated for human cloning violations – a steely and determined side, crafted in the mould of the former Boro man
Blackpool – Ian Holloway has a little dance…the form side who slid into the playoffs – those types have a history of running the playoff gauntlet – Pool haven’t been in 1st division since ’71

Swansea – there’s your Welsh bottle job – top 6 stalwarts for most of the season were doomed by lack of goal punch – will Sousa stay?

Sheffield United – promising finish, though they rarely were serious
promotion contenders…welcome back Paddy Kenny!

Reading – major turnaround under Brian McDermott – strong cup run buoyed league form

Bristol City – seemingly couldn’t lose under Keith Millen – Nicky
Maynard bagged a quiet 20 goals, especially the cracker v Pool that nearly spoiled their party

Boro – more later

Doncaster Rovers – free flowing footie under Sean O’Driscoll was frequently pleasing to the eye…can’t complain over top half finish

Queens Park Rangers – survived the standard managerial merry-go-round – Warnock says they’ll have to be reckoned w/ next term as they mount a serious promotion push

Derby County – better from young Nigel – will continue to build and ideally push for a top 10 finish

Ispwich Town – disappointing…after Roy Keane got the job late last season they responded strongly…horrific start to campaign was insurmountable

Watford – decent football at times, though their stars were all loan players – Tom Cleverley was outstanding…

Preston North End – little Ferg has them more organised…can he work some of the old Posh promotion magic?

Barnsley – Mark Robins was a great appointment – never an easy game – he’ll get more time to change the culture

Coventry City – briefly flirted w/ playoffs for a spell, even after selling Leon Best

Scunthorpe United – tremendous achievement to stay up given their paucity of resources…will look to cash in on the popular goalhawk Gary Hooper

Crystal Palace – promotion attempts railroaded by administration…did just enough under Paul Hart to avoid possible extinction

Sheffield Wednesday – despair at final day relegation – American
investment and sound stewardship of Alan Irvine should see a quick return to the Championship

Plymouth Argyle – the affable Paul Mariner instilled a courageous
spirit after the sacking of Paul Sturrock…sadly they couldn’t ride
it out the basement

Peterborough United – out of their depth, and the resulting
instability – sacking Ferguson and Cooper – was too big a
specter…revived under Jim Gannon for a spell…now Gary Johnson is the man to architect a new push back up

The virtual atmosphere was so casual we actually considered toggling something else, instead of the alt-tabbing between the live blog, BBC, the Saturday clockwatch, and West Ham/Wigan en espanol. We saved it for long afterwards, fearing the dulling, desensitising effect it would have on our orgasmic joy.

Some Boro bullets in lieu of regular match notes – memo to minuscule regional internet radio operation: a large percentage of your listenership is down to Boro supporters outside the local catchment area – broadcast the fucking matches instead of your foul brand of benign Europop, even if it’s a dead rubber…

• So Gary O’Neil is alarmed by the gulf in class – nothing perceived about it – between Boro and the top two in the Championship, West Bromwich Albion and Newcastle. Failure to get points off either – in relegation and promotion battles alike – might be the perfect illustration. Two points. Out of twenty-four. Versus WBA: 0 wins – 0 draws – 4 losses / 11 goals conceded / 0 goals scored. And Newcastle: 0 wins – 2 draws – 2 losses / 7 goals conceded / 3 goals scored. What else is there to say Gary?

• Lamb on the run! Middlesbrough’s chief executive took to his imaginary throne in the BBC Radio Tees studio. Here his spin, in every convoluted sense of the word:

1. The it’s-never-too-early-to-get-promoted notion? Against it -
2. We’ll be the best resourced club next season – he backs off a bit later – one of the top-resourced clubs…ahem
3. So revisionist – he attempts to berate a caller illustrating how the region has soured under his recent stewardship. Cup runs, European finals, top half finishes, football under Bryan Robson, the big spending era currently dooming the club to financial prudence…yes, all his doing…and the town was happy
4. ‘Define the word sanction’ – used to describe his role in the Alves episode. This particular chap merely wanted to know the power structure for such a critically bad transaction – all he got was the bombast of a well-educated, strangely confident trapped rodent.

• Luke Williams will be a man. The Teesville tyro is getting his advanced footballing ‘birds and bees’ under Gordo and the rest of the senior team. Some good touches and the seeds of intelligent runs displayed in the first 45 mins of his starting first team bow. This kid might be bigger than the parmo, and virtually everyone is pulling for him.

• The highlight of the season? Fantastic supporters – anchored by this lot

• We know no off-season – reviews of pre-season prognostications, dissecting this season like the cheap biology lab frog it was, deep stretching for WC 2010 S Africa, and so much more of the decent effort tinged w/ haphazard finishing this space has become…