01 Oct 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Coventry – Oakwell

The home side are unbeaten in six, with five consecutive draws following a crucial away result at Reading – 8 points from 18 isn’t the sexiest return, however it’s pure enough to keep Keith Hill out of the shit, for now.

Trips for Sky Blues supports more resemble death marches these days: just one point and two goals in the league, never mind the 3-1 beat down doled out by Bury in the league cup…Barnsley 2-0 Coventry

Blackpool v Bristol City – Bloomfield Road

Ian Holloway will have to ogle his new temporary toy, Liverpool midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, from the stands as he serves a one match touchline ban following the invective directed towards the fourth official Tuesday against Coventry.

Chairman Colin Sexstone is detecting the unrest from all corners: the hopelessness broadcast by the tweens on their mobiles and the general ennui from within Ashton Gate. It may be time for a big change, perhaps a new face with fresh ideas who can convert the few existing assets in to a new side capable a returning to the heady days of promotion contention…Blackpool 2-1 Bristol City

Crystal Palace v West Ham – Selhurst Park

Oh those bongo barons are cheeky fuckers. Sure, you’ll take problem child Carlito off of Cit-eh’s hands, back to the bosom of his English football immersion. The overriding suspicion is that Big Sam just wants to cuddle and tickle the little codger, and get recipes for mouthwatering variations of asado.

Palace remain a conundrum, oscillating between superlative, like against Brighton, and absolute shite, similar to the away loss at Doncaster. The exciting pieces are there, and the wonder of Wilfried has now reached the continent…Palace 1-2 West Sam

Hull v Cardiff – KC Stadium

The steady stream of one-nil results has been abated after draws at the dregs of the league. It hasn’t dented the fine form that keeps Big Nige and his charges balls deep in the promotion push.

Cardiff scored an impressive win to dent league leaders Southampton at midweek – Kenny Miller reappeared after an eight game goal drought to bag an important double, both for club fortunes and individual confidence…Hull 1-1 Cardiff

Ipswich v Brighton – Portman Road

The home side don’t just look good on paper anymore. Last weekend at the Riverside Jimmy Bullard, Keith Andrews, Ibrahima Sonko, they all showed some of the inflated promise and skill their wages suggest.

Maybe a spell away from the new ground is in order for Brighton? Six goals shipped in the last two, forcing a slip from the previous clip that saw newly-rewarded Gus Poyet at the very summit…Town 2-2 Brighton

Leeds v Portsmouth – Elland Road

Fifteen goals in the last six, **cough** eleven conceded **cough**, sees Leeds near the top of the form table. The main propellant is Ross McCormack with eight league goals – nine in all comps. Consider the Davide Somma void filled.

Steve Cotterill is already seeing the benefits of new, committed ownership with the loan capture of the better looking Riise brother, Bjorn Helge. It’s subtle on the surface, but infers a certain ambition to actually build a talented squad compromised of desirable players. What a concept…Dirty Leeds 2-1 Pompey

Millwall v Burnley – New Den

It was a dubious end to a monastic period of abstinence, Liam Feeney’s goal getting some slight aid from Lloyd Doyley – either way it ended an embarrassing period that’s put Millwall on the fast track to the bottom.

Jay Rodriguez got a pair in the conflagration over Forest to redress his goal disparity between league and cup. They can kick on here over a bruised and introverted Millwall side, proving Tuesday’s wonder result wasn’t a circumstantial aberration…Millwall 2-3 Burnley

Peterborough v Doncaster – London Road

John Ryan was thinking about changes back in the summer, starting with mascot. The demise of Donny-as-the-darkhorse-darlings was rapid and blunt, forcing an inevitable change. Dean Saunders has imbued a new spirit in his short time as head man – it’s one of many attributes required to scrape this side off the bottom.

Posh boss Lil Ferg is dishing out the praise for hard man Gabby Zakuani, bypassing a broken toe to shine in a recent five game stretch where Peterborough have stemmed the tide of goals conceded ever so slightly…Posh 3-1 Donny

Reading v Middlesbrough – Madejski Stadium

Boro are fucked without Leroy Lita here, no? The Swansea striker was Boro’s best battering ram in seasons past against Reading, who bullied their way to 5-2 romping last time these two met at the Madejski.

Tony Mowbray knows there’s no mini-crisis of confidence after consecutive home nil-nils – Brian McDermott meanwhile is encouraged by the response of his players after a wretched start saw them flirting with disaster…Reading 2-2 Boro

Southampton v Watford – St. Mary’s

Recent slip ups at Burnley and Cardiff have not been enough to dislodge Southampton from its lofty perch – they remain top going in to the weekend thanks to a singular goal difference. St Mary’s provides the comfort of perfection this term: six wins total – four in the league.

Watford are proving sterner competition that what was projected in August, giving early validation to the appointment of Sean Dyche. Some of the creativity sold off in the summer has been replaced with greater discipline, making the Vicarage Road club a thorny test…Southampton 2-1 Watford

5.20p

Leicester v Derby – King Power Stadium

The last four for Sven have been peculiarly economical, with six points gained through a miserly two goals. Sven has never been one to care about how the knickers drop, so long as they ultimately, surrenderingly, do.
The positive, vibrant start by Derby faces it’s test now: can the run be sustained as we head into October? It was near this stage where the threads started to unravel last term – Nigel Clough worked hard and spent well to get men in to prevent a recurrence…Leicester 1-1 Derby

02 Oct 11

3.00p

Nottingham Forest v Birmingham – City Ground

What odds Steve McClaren makes it to Monday? This has boring, reductive 0-0 tattooed all over it. Especially with Birmingham recharging after a great win in Maribor Thursday in Europa League action.

The ingredients for whatever formula the former Boro boss was conjuring when he took the job just are not present – and the recalcitrance and indifference of the Forest board is doing nothing to mollify the situation…Trees 0-0 Brummie Blue

23 Sep 11

7.45p

Brighton v Leeds – Falmer

Two losses to top flight opposition in the Carling Cup between the two leads up to this Friday night feast – Brighton showed some real bravura in standing up to Liverpool, while Leeds meekly rolled over against visiting Manchester United – saving the bigger ordnance for the league Simon? Brighton 2-0 Dirty Leeds

24 Sep 11

3.00p

Birmingham v Barnsley – St. Andrew’s

The big result over Millwall seems like ages ago, and Chris Wood might not be around much longer to provide consistent firepower – the shit Blues form is permeating all competitions: a tonking from Southampton in the league, humiliation against Braga at home in the Europa League, and a predictable exit from the league cup courtesy of Manchester City – Barnsley, level on points and goal difference, are just trying to grind out results wherever they can – Brummie 1-1 Barnsley

Bristol City v Hull – Ashton Gate

Fuck the Premier League, Hull want to get promoted to Serie A circa the mid-seventies; 1-0, 0-1, 1-0, 5 scored, 6 conceded – it’s enough to sport a massive tent in your Diesel’s – Bristol City still have Nicky Maynard, so anything is possible we suppose – Bristol City 0-1 Hullona

Burnley v Southampton – Turf Moor

Eddie Howe is so desperate to change the current identity of his side he’s recalled a dude who has changed his: Andre Bikey is now Andre Amougou – apparently he needed another 25 years or so before deciding to take the full family name – he’s still a hard bastard who can hopefully help derail the surging Saints on their fast-track to the top – Burnley 1-2 Southampton

Coventry v Reading – Ricoh Arena

Seems normal service has resumed for the home side after a collectively anonymous performance at Portman Road last Monday – Reading pushed themselves further away from the murky bottom with a comprehensive drubbing of the ostensible whipping boys from Doncaster – Coventry 0-2 Reading

Derby v Millwall – Pride Park

A point is point and all, but sooner or later Millwall have to do something they have not done in the league for five weeks: find the back of the opposition’s fucking net – the large-scale remodel overseen by Nigel Clough in the off season looks to be a hit, especially after getting the best of their rivals at the other end of Brian Clough Way – Derby 3-1 Millwall

Doncaster v Crystal Palace – Keepmoat Stadium

Dougie Freedman heaped on the Boro praise after the league cup tie on Tuesday, and we’re giving it right back: if Palace can hold on to Sean Scannell, Jonathan Williams and Wilfried Zaha they will get promoted within 2-3 years – Doncaster 1-2 Palace

Middlesbrough v Ipswich – The Riverside

Injury to Ibrahima Sonko means Paul Jewell will have to field his seventh different centre back pairing – that excess moisture round Hurworth isn’t precipitation, it’s drool from Dreadlocked Dynamite and the Aussie livewire Scott McDonald – Boro 2-0 Town

Portsmouth v Blackpool – Fratton Park

The new owners down south seem lick nice blokes, in a menacing Putin-esque type way – they vow to improve everything at the club, from bogs all the way up to squad investment, spelling an end to the seemingly endless turmoil surrounding a once stable club – CSI: Pompey 1-1 ‘Pool

West Ham v Peterborough – Upton Park

This may cause a ruction in the filthy lovefest that is Big Sam hearts Big Ferg – it’s win/win really for the Hammers boss; go easy on Posh and Lil Ferg to demonstrate your compassion for the children of friends, or savage the fuck out of them to show you have the mind of an assassin and heart of a Republican – West Sam 3-2 Posh

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Gruesome injury suffered by deputy left back Chris Cohen last weekend – he’s out for up to 12 months, bringing more instability to a position that was never really stable in the first place – just ask Billy Davies – Watford 1-0 Trees

25 Sep 11

1.15p

Cardiff v Leicester – Cardiff City Stadium

Christ, these two should move in together – this is the eighth time they’ve battled since the 2009/10 campaign – the love runs so deep that they even went to penalties at midweek in the league cup – maybe some time apart after this one you crazy kids, okay? Cardiff 2-2 Leicester

17 Sep 11

12.30p

Millwall v West Ham – New Den

The beat down potential is massive: loads of tasty geezers and two bit thugs doing unspeakable deeds sure to sicken and shame the nation – but enough about the football match being contested – hopefully the supporters can behave somewhat properly to prevent a repeat of previous transgressions – Millwall 1-2 West Sam

1.00p

Nottingham Forest v Derby – City Ground

Another fierce parochial rumble, sans the extracurricular contretemps and fisticuffs – Forest need something that signifies progress under embattled Steve McClaren, while Derby are trying to keep their place in the upper reaches of the table – Trees 1-1 Derby

3.00p

Barnsley v Watford – Oakwell

Tremendous result for Sean Dyche’s side at the Madejski last round, imbuing a faint bit of hope for a club largely expected to hover round the bottom all season – the home side look to capitalise on a display that saw them be the latest side to flummox the promotion favourites at Leicester – Barnsley 1-1 Watford

Blackpool v Cardiff – Bloomfield Road

El Hadji Diouf could be spitting at a ref inside a Champo ground near you soon enough, if the barren rumour mill is anything to go by – the Blackpool board is dangling a decent carrot in front of the wayward forward after his release from Blackburn – well done to Cardiff for doing the business over Doncaster last week in honour of their fallen supporter – ‘Pool 2-2 Cardiff

Crystal Palace v Middlesbrough – Selhurst Park

Boro begin their temporary south London residency with the league tilt against formidable Palace (Carling Cup 3rd round tie between the two here on Tues) – expect various suits, stattos and scouts in the crowd to get an intimate look at new tyro Wilfried Zaha – Palace 0-1 Boro

Hull v Portsmouth – KC Stadium

Barring the Leeds result from last month, Hull have conceded but twice in the league – the parsimonious defence is imperative given the immediate lack of goal punch – the south coasters are a stingy lot too for the most part – don’t forget the cheap and cowardly too – Hull 1-0 Pompey

Leeds v Bristol City – Elland Road

Simon Grayson is absolutely Finnished after acquiring Mikael Forsell and Mika Vayrynen – word has it an enquiry for Teemu Pukki was made too, but he was snatched up by FC Schalke 04 after a dazzling brace while still playing for HJK in the Europa League – entry into the Veikkausliiga isn’t entirely out of the question – Dirty Leeds 2-0 Bristol City

Leicester v Brighton – King Power Stadium

Flaccid, limp, impotent; these aren’t words you generally associate with Sven Goran Eriksson – okay, well maybe in a footballing context you do – Leicester need a big result against the league leaders to keep them, and automatic promotion hopes, in sight – Leicester 1-2 Brighton

Peterborough v Burnley – London Road

Posh had their recent goal parade postponed last week against Hull – based on the positively shit performance from the Clarets last weekend against Boro it’s quite plausible Lil Ferg’s lads are ready to resume their assault on the goals scored column – Posh 2-0 Burnley

Reading v Doncaster – Madejski Stadium

Fucking hell – these two sides have collected a paltry 5 points from 36 – the Doncaster struggles were to be expected – Reading has no business being at this end of the table, meaning the new signings need to congeal, soonish preferably – Reading 3-0 Donny

18 Sep 11

3.00p

Southampton v Birmingham – St. Mary’s

Full marks to Paul Fletcher for the extraneous titling of his recent blog, we totally get it – Saints are absolutely flying under the former Bangor City gaffer as they charge back to where they think they belong – the Brummies were drubbed at home by Braga in the Europa League on Thursday, choosing a convicted woman beater over a recent hat trick hero – priorities, eh? Southampton 4-1 Brummy Blue

19 Sep 11

7.45p

Ipswich v Coventry

Get a jammy draw before the international break, make a stand at the end of the transfer window to retain the services of your most valuable asset, and stuff the early season Derby surge with a surprise result; it’s all suddenly possible now for Andy Thorn and company – things aren’t so magnanimous for his opposite number at the moment as Paul Jewell is freely admitting he doesn’t have a fucking clue – Town 1-1 Sky (High) Blues

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

Leyton Orient

League position: 8th – 61 pts

Form: 21st

Remaining fixtures: Exeter (a), Peterborough, Carlisle (a), Tranmere, Plymouth (a)

Three daunting away trips remain, each deliciously idiosyncratic…Exeter are in form and nipping their heels…sojourns to greater Cumbria drain on several levels…and Plymouth could be trying to repel consecutive relegations…get a good return on their travels and the O’s can bridge the gap to sixth

Bournemouth

League position: 7th – 63 pts

Form: 23rd

Remaining fixtures: Notts County (a), Yeovil (a), Bristol Rovers, Hartlepool (a), Rochdale

A pair of serious relegation contenders could be enough to sate the woeful form that has seen the south-coasters squander a comfortable playoff position…tricky trips to Yeovil and Pools could well negate any momentum gained however…then there’s the small matter of a potential sudden death match with…

Rochdale

League position: 6th – 64 pts

Form: 3rd

Remaining fixtures: Brentford, Carlisle, Charlton (a), Peterborough, Bournemouth (a)

Up the Dale indeed…they’ve been the ones to profit handsomely from Bournemouth’s slip…surely there’s plenty of cautious optimism around Spotland given the buoyant form and generous upcoming fixtures against sides with nowt to play for…the final day tilt at Dean Court already promises to feature as a prime end of season storyline

MK Dons

League position: 5th – 68 pts

Form: 4th

Remaining fixtures: Swindon (a), Huddersfield, Plymouth (a), Notts County, Oldham (a)

The uncertainty surrounding the future of Karl Robinson has meant naff all it would seem…if there is to be a club to improve their stead late on it’s this lot: three matches against the bottom four – Huddersfield at home – cautious misstep by the Posh and bang, they’re up a few spots

Peterborough

League position: 4th – 71 pts

Form: 9th

Remaining fixtures: Plymouth, Leyton Orient (a), Yeovil, Rochdale (a), Dag & Red

Darren Ferguson not only went back, he tore the fucking place apart…well not literally, but the turnaround has been eyecatching…is it too late for his purple pops to impart some wisdom on the art of blagging big away wins, cos they’ll need them for where they want to go…

Huddersfield

League position: 3rd – 74 pts

Form: 2nd

Remaining fixtures: Charlton (a), MK Dons (a), Dag & Red, Brighton (a), Brentford

The league darlings – thanks to their positive play and admirable display against Arsenal – have it all to go for…the heavy goal deficit to Southampton can be overcome with a brisk run to cap the campaign and get Lee Clark’s side up in the Championship

Southampton

League position: 2nd – 74 pts

Form: 5th

Remaining fixtures: Bristol Rovers, Brighton (a), Hartlepool, Brentford (a), Plymouth (a), Walsall

With the title already decided, it’s the Saints who have a temporary target on their smart striped strip…will the ignominy affiliated with the recent rapid descent dissipate? Imagine what kind of gig Nigel Adkins can wangle if he finishes the job – Pardew got the Geordie job, but then again there aren’t 60 odd other Mike Ashley’s around being so daft with their quid…

Brighton

League position: 1st – 90 pts

Form: 1st

Remaining fixtures: Walsall (a), Southampton, Colchester (a), Huddersfield, Notts County (a)

Job well done…look forward to your new American-corporation branded ground next term

There isn’t much prognostication required here, bar for a bit of reach…

6. Rochdale

5. Peterborough

4. Huddersfield

3. MK Dons

2. Southampton

1. Brighton

Brighton – already up – will be joined by Southampton. MK Dons and Peterborough will meet at Wembley…the manufactured middling metropolis gets better football come August

Leicester City traded dead cool Mediterranean sexy for a proven, if not slightly whorish, global lothario. Lisbon, Rome, Genoa, Mexico City, and now Leicester – lock up your daughters, lock up your wives, for sex god Sven Goran Eriksson has docked, looking for tasteful accommodation, cos he doesn’t like commitment in any form. The aim? Promotion, but of course. Kyle Naughton is the first of what looks to be several additions to a retooled side – Jason Roberts is being eyed up seductively, and rather flagrantly, to fetch the goals needed to string some results together and climb out of the league basement…

Derby esta jugando bien! A spot of Spanish tyro Alberto Bueno – on loan from Real Valladolid and personally recommended to Nigel Clough by Vicente del Bosque – has imbued Pride Park with the kind of rapture a recent American divorcee might find in Tuscany. Robbie Savage maintains his dual role as prime villain and cocksure midfield maestro; many Boro fans lamented our dearth of someone of that ilk from our squad during the recent 3-1 dismantling. Throw in an assiduous, omnipresent attacking midfielder like Kris Commons, and starving artist Stephen Bywater – for cultural enhancement only – and you’ve a squad exceeding pre-season expectations of lower-table middling. This here’s a pretty decent side now…

Top Two

No movement – QPR and Cardiff remain imperious…and frankly we’re fucking sick of talking them up…

Playoff Occupiers

Norwich lead the charge of the recently promoted, primarily due to their competent defending that’s avoided the occasional tonkings meted out to fellow new fish Leeds and Millwall – John Ruddy has emerged as a confident surrogate for former taboo lust target Fraser Forster – presiding over the attack are the trident of Wes Hoolahan, Grant Holt, and Chris Martin, affording Paul Lambert an embarrassment of artillery

Care to have a guess at the two teams averaging over 2 goals a contest? Yes, fucking QPR is one…who’s the other? Here’s a clue: they employ four former Boro lads, and we could do with two of them at the moment: an in-form, skilled striker + Prem tested left back…Watford! Marvin Sordell is rewarding Malky Mackay’s faith by banging in regular goals – Adrian Mariappa and Martin Taylor highlight an effective back four keeping out just enough goals to prolong this current meteoric rise

A comment on Paul Fletcher’s ponderous Boro blog splendidly compares the growing pains of Ipswich to our own malaise – Roy Keane has advanced past the Ireland/Sunderland fixation to blood some damn fine youngsters, proof that patience does pay off eventually as Town fly high…Burnley produced some heart-stopping moments in the last few weeks: an insane late comeback to top Preston 4-3, prompting a fresh hot funk from Little Ferg, followed directly by a Tallinn takedown at the Riverside that saw well-earned points evaporated

The Real Meaty Bit Of The Table

Reading, Swansea, and The Trees hold steady in the upper half…Billy Davies is keeping his head down and getting on with the job of keeping his lot in the thick of it – 9 unbeaten since the opening day defeat to Burnley…Leeds/Preston surely gets the nod for match of the month: a 4-1 halftime lead squandered to a previously flaccid Preston side who erupted for five unanswered goals to stupefy the Elland Road faithful and win 6-4…Boro are afflicted with a wisecracking wee gaffer enthusiastically walking the plank on his own accord…drugs, drink, and smoking indeed…the dias-Boro has the highest chemical dependency rate of them all! Portsmouth remained fucked – the Football League wants assurances over four lingering issues before ratifying a proposal to emerge from administration…remarkably the insolvency issues are being overshadowed by some brave displays in what were always going to be hectic circumstances

Bottom Three

Leicester have invoked their experienced saviour…the dosh from the Thais is there, and it’s real according to Sven…set the controls for the heart of the Prem…Crystal Palace languish too, with prospects less fulgent than the Foxes…positive result against Pompey aside, the Eagles have spent the last six weeks flitting between drab 0-0 draws and hapless multi-goal thrashings…Bristol City aren’t really remembering the times when Keith Millen held their hair whilst really sick from too much blue curacao in the drunken lemonades…he’s got but a few matches to string some results together and get off the floor

Tuesday

7.45p

Barnsley v Leeds United – Oakwell

The Tykes look to avoid the ignominy of consecutive losses to newly promoted sides…Leeds will be without their number one as Kapser Schmeichel battles a foot injury…Barnsley 2-1 Leeds United

Bristol City v Watford – Ashton Gate

City took advantage of the then-uncertainty at Glanford Park and rolled to a critical win…Watford pulled a Boro and threw away points when Doncaster snatched at draw at the death…Bristol City 2-0 Watford

Doncaster v Norwich – Keepmoat Stadium

A juicy proposition between two intriguing sides fully imbued with the spirit of their respective gaffers…a game to take impressionable, aspiring tots to…Doncaster 2-2 Norwich

Hull v Derby – KC Stadium

When you’ve failed to win away in 27 straight, home can be a tonic…unless your form there is pretty shit too…fortunately for Hull, Derby look rubbish…Hull 1-0 Derby

Ipswich v QPR – Portman Road

Like countless others before, many Boro fans take warm comfort in Roy Keane…his, erm, methodical approach to finally stringing some results together after 18 months give those suffering under Strachan some cause for optimism…stuffing rampant QPR after our beatdown should engender more moist emotion…Ipswich 1-0 QPR

Leicester v Cardiff – Walkers Stadium

A playoff rematch from May, when Cardiff prevailed and thought they’d stroll to promotion after Blackpool shocked the Trees…four months on it’s Pool strutting on the Prem promenade…Paulo Sousa needs this one badly…Leicester 3-1 Cardiff

Middlesbrough v Burnley – Riverside Stadium

The knives are out…the captain castigated after his heroically frank post-QPR assessment…and Gary McAllister is contemplating using the escape hatch to fuck off to Villa…attendance may be in the four-figures, if not Tuesday, then Saturday for sure, without a courageous, competent display here…Burnley shanghaied Little Ferg last time out, and it was glorious…Boro 0-2 Burnley

Millwall v Reading – New Den

Trips to Millwall were always going to be grim…the fact that they’re playing some of the best stuff in the league now makes it positively frightening…Millwall 2-1 Reading

Preston v The Trees – Deepdale

Unofficially, it took Little Ferg five whole league post-match pressers to use ‘disgrace’, or any of its permutations…that’s just not good enough…we want his not-so-distinct bombast and vitriol tout les jours…Billy Davies may not be the most agitated Scot in the league after all…Preston 1-0 The Trees

Sheffield United v Scunthorpe – Bramall Lane

This league lost a diamond geezer when Nigel Adkins agreed to take over at Southampton…let’s hope a little bit of money and fame doesn’t change him…Sheffield United have a golden chance to make it three straight wins for rookie gaffer Gary Speed…Sheffield United 2-0 Scunthorpe

Swansea v Coventry – Liberty Stadium

We’re plumping for a big, defining away win…only cos we really can’t call this…it happens…Swansea 0-2 Coventry

8.00p

Crystal Palace v Portsmouth – Selhurst Park

Pompey fight and bleed and rummage…it’s hard not to tacitly pull for them in these sullen times…Palace have the makings of a good side with Ambrose, Danns, and Speroni…George Burley has quite a bit to prove you would think after setting Scotland football back to the dark ages…Crystal Palace 2-2 Portsmouth

1. gives a tantalising taste of the upcoming league action, replete with unique commentary and obvious assertions
2. broadcasts our ineptitude at prognostications of any sporting kind
3. a cheap way to file 600 or so words and stay on the cusp of relevance

Saturday

12.15p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

Both dumped out of the Carling Cup at the first time of asking…more time to focus on the imminent lower-to-mid table scrap…Derby will summon the courage for another good early away result…Coventry 1-1 Derby

12.30p

Leeds United v Millwall – Elland Road

Surprisingly it’s Millwall who are the newly promoted side off to a rollicking start – a pair of tonkings meted out to the Bristol City and Hull, all without conceding a league goal…that changes after this affair…Leeds Utd 3-1 Millwall

3.00p

Bristol City v Barnsley – Ashton Gate

Both of these clubs were tipped for success early on, though Bristol may be erased by some now given the early upheaval…they fail to recall the cracking form achieved during Keith Millen’s spell at the end of last season…Barnsley will be difficult to predict all season…Bristol City 1-0 Barnsley

Burnley v Leicester – Turf Moor

Oh that devilish Paulo Sousa…Leicester deserved to beat Boro…don’t make us go hating your sexy ass…Burnley will be there all year long, as will the Foxes…Burnley 2-0 Leicester

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

That’s right, Craig Bellamy appears to have strong-armed Manchester City into sending him home for a season to tear up a league incapable of neutralising him and got them to pay a large percentage of his wages…not bad for a club who by all rights should have been severely punished, if not liquidated, for repeated financial transgressions…Cardiff 4-1 Doncaster

Crystal Palace v Ipswich – Selhurst Park

Palace finally emerge from the administration mire…Roy Keane meanwhile is still cross about something, this time the lack of action in the transfer market…that cash from the Jon Walters sale is just sitting there too…buy someone, do it for the supporters! Crystal Palace 1-1 Ipswich

Hull v Watford – KC Stadium

Hull are skint, yet they managed to just procure the services of former Arsenal prodigy Jay Simpson…Watford snagged their own young tyro…some chap called Josh Walker…hmmm…Hull 2-0 Watford

Norwich v Swansea – Carrow Road

No, new honourary club ambassador Stephen Fry will not be suiting up for Paul Lambert, though we’d reckon his size and pleasant demeanour would flummox the visitors…Norwich 1-0 Swansea

Preston v Portsmouth – Deepdale

Gregg Roughley cockteased us with a missive on the increasing pressure facing Ferg Jr…a loss here condemns the Lillywhites to a positively dreadful start…Portsmouth have managed okay early doors despite meagre resources…Preston 0-1 Portsmouth

QPR v Scunthorpe – Loftus Road

Rangers are absolutely flying under Neil Warnock, cup defeat to Port Vale aside…ole Neil reckons they’re far from the finished article, but he’s fooling no one…Scunthorpe adorably claw and struggle…QPR 2-1 Scunthorpe

Reading v Nottingham Forest – Madejski Stadium

Languid starts from a pair of forecasted playoff sides…the seat under Billy Davies gets progressively warmer and the urge to bolt increases…Reading will be just fine with their stable of starlets…Reading 2-0 Nottingham Forest

Sunday

13.15p

Middlesbroughv Sheffield United – Riverside Stadium

Expect the sheen of Gary Speed’s debut a gaffer to be counteracted by the performance of a former Blades player, Matt Kilgallon…the defender on-loan from Sunderland is expected to go straight into Gordo’s side for a bit of calm and professionalism in the left back berth…it starts with this match – Mission: Promotion…Boro 2-0 Sheffield United

Boro – ‘an ambitious football club’…it feels terrific saying and hearing that…a proper half-cocked look ahead to the new campaign should be available later this week

Millwall – a bit of an unknown – I reckon you get beat up pretty quickly if you stray too far from the New Den, but as for the footie, there’s Steve Morison and Neil Harris banging in goals, and the omnipotent on-field leadership of club captain Paul Robinson…Kenny Jackett has plenty of options in his arsenal…a comfortable mid-table finish wouldn’t be a gross overachievement considering…

Norwich – tremendous turnaround in the last 12 months: get thrashed 7-1 by Colchester, at home, upon their League One return, sack manager Bryan Gunn , hire Paul Lambert – the man responsible for the beatdown that prompted outrage across Norfolk – then go and win the fecking league and get promoted back to the Championship…Old Farm derbies versus Ipswich Town return…Wes Hoolahan is a natural talent on the attacking left, and Grant Holt absolutely murdered goals last season…Simeon Jackson was brought in from Gillingham to add depth, and maybe even some competition for club top scorer, wresting it from the captain number nine…

Nottingham Forest – Billy Davies nervously laughs off the perceived incompetence of his advisory board…he wants players, can’t get no money for them, then casually bends the ear of anyone willing to listen about the whole injustice of it all…a hearty favourite for first-to-get-the-sack if things go pear-shaped early at the City Ground…his accomplishments at this level are well-respected, it’s just he doesn’t tend to stay around very long…

Portsmouth – in a world of fucking hurt…their North American death trip was bad beyond belief, and their rumoured to be hit with a 20 point deduction – possibly even liquidation…those near and dear to the club are bracing for another precipitous drop…but hey, at least Kanu will still be around…

Preston - Alan Irvine was harshly dismissed during a sour patch, and boy wonder Darren Ferguson swooped in amid some controversy: tapping up his former players…some of their wags too if the virtually gossip was to be believed…Ferg Jr couldn’t spin any immediate magic, even with the rich loan resources afforded thanks to purple papa…up until now his time in charge has focused on spouting post-match nonsense and eliminating those ill suited for his style of play

QPR – old Neil Warnock took the challenge – expertly disguised as a satchel full of bundles of crisp notes – across town and went poaching his old Crystal Palace and Sheffield United players…Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Paddy Kenny, players he’s comfortable with…sounds like a transfer policy Boro fans are learning to embrace…and it’s fun listening to him talk…affable, controversial, frank…

Reading – prime contender for automatic promotion – a fantastic array of skilled and admired players including Gylfi Sigurosson, Jobi McAnuff, Shane Long, Jimmy Kebe, Adam Federici…the change in fortune from when Brian McDermott took over is a sweet confection Reading fans will not want to relinquish…they’re expected to hit the ground running and challenge all season for the title

Scunthorpe – is their magic act coming to a conclusion? Gary Hooper was finally flogged, and Paul Hayes went to Preston…Nigel Adkins will have to buckle the belt a tad tighter this term – staying up will be another small miracle in North Lincolnshire

Sheffield United - they certainly do embrace the style that typically embodies this league: gritty, robust, and brawny…ostensible skills: none really come to mind, other than kicking lumps out of the opposition and boring the pants off of spectators…Daniel Bogdanovic is in from Barnsley for goals, and the man Kevin Blackwell heralded as his January transfer target, Mark Yeates, remains in the fold…

Swansea – the dashing, jet-setting, champagne-drinking Iberian playboy that casually hits on all the wives and girlfriends has gone, off to pillage the birds of Leicester…from what we hear of new gaffer Brendan Rodgers the latent narcissism will still pervade – a Guardian poster recently quipped that the failed Reading boss would marry himself if it were legal…the slick and caressing passing game first introduced by ESPN heartthrob Roberto Martinez shall remain, it’s now the embraced ideology decrees chairman Huw Jenkins, with or without predatory full back Angel Rangel, target of future Championship opponents Blackpool…

Watford – the key for Malky Mackay is the loan market – if big four starlets like Tom Cleverley and Henri Lansbury, or any other of their contemporaries, continue their on-the-job training at Vicarage Road, then perhaps the Hornets can battle for a near-mid table finish…otherwise, the slog could be long and rough…ludicrous prediction: Gareth Southgate will manage this club before the end of the season…