Here’s another go for you to mock and lampoon…

10 Sep 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Good form by both clubs as they headed into the break: Barnsley picked up 4 points away to Reading and Millwall – Leicester outlasted league leaders Southampton after Bury-ing the Shakers in the Carling Cup – Sven will hope that south Yorkshire is the spot where his aggressive promotion thrust truly begins – Barnsley 0-2 Leicester

Blackpool v Ipswich – Bloomfield Road

The Ipswich goal hemorrhage stopped against limp Leeds, temporarily at least – Blackpool have the application and attacking intent to hang Southampton/Posh type figures on a battered and unsure visiting side, Keith Andrews heroics or not – Blackpool 3-1 Ipswich

Bristol City v Brighton – Ashton Gate

Gus Poyet gets full credit for the league’s most glamorous signing during the transfer window: former Spain international Vicente is drafted in to bamboozle and bedazzle the craggy Championship opposition – Keith Millen’s biggest coup was managing to retain Nicky Maynard and Albert Adomah for a few more months, which is nice – Bristol City 1-2 Brighton

Burnley v Middlesbrough – Turf Moor

From the original #twittersmog: What’s black and red, fast as fuck and on fire?…. Marvin Emnes – Dreadlocked Dynamite snatched player of the month accolades to continue his re-education – the Clarets have a new wing weapon w/ the capture of former West Ham whelp Junior Stanislas – Boro hope to keep the away magic bubbling – Burnley 2-2 Boro

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

Respect to Cardiff for their plans to honour fallen supporter Mikey Dye – rest in peace sir, and godspeed to your loved ones and friends – Cardiff 2-0 Donny

Leeds v Crystal Palace – Elland Road

Awful times for Dirty Leeds supporters: fighting a vile cretin owner who has scant regard for their opinions and contributions on one front, and bemoaning the lack of imagination and ambition in the transfer market on another – letting Max Gradel bid adieu for St Etienne is the latest unforgivable misdeed – Palace aim to build on their positive start and their new found transfer acumen: Chester born striker Antonio Pedroza was snagged for a small fee from Mexican top-flight side Jaguares – great business for a player linked to London’s bigger clubs like Spurs and Chelsea – Leeds 1-1 Palace

Peterborough v Hull – London Road

Spritely striker Martyn Waghorn looks to make his Hull debut – the Leicester loanee is tasked with improving the anemic league goals tally up to this point – Posh have no such problems finding the back of the net, even with former hitman Aaron McLean lining up for Big Nige this time round – Posh 2-1 Hull

Reading v Watford – Madejski Stadium

Battle at the bottom here, at least until new signings Kaspar Gorkss, Joseph Mills and Adam Le Fondre get the hang of the Reading way being forged by Brian McDermott – Watford has a new plaything of their own in Joe Garner, who will be expected to develop a quick working relationship with the magical Marvin Sordell – Reading 2-0 Watford

Southampton v Nottingham Forest – St. Mary’s

‘I’m not quitting’ is a forceful and empowering statement to stifle the baying mobs, unless you’ve only been in the job for 3 months – fucking Forest can’t even get him a company mobile to use from the bench! Southampton 3-0 Trees

West Ham v Portsmouth – Upton Park

Imagine the erection on Allardyce during this one: long punt after long punt, Liam Lawrence getting the shit kicked out of him, and Joey O’Brien following orders to ‘lamp that giant ginger cunt son’ – West Sam 1-0 Pompey

5.20p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

What’s more bizarre: Tony Mowbray actually identifying Lucas Jutkiewicz as the primary striker target, or Andy Thorn being a recalcitrant bastard refusing to sell? And save the bullshit about needing the Parkin move from Cardiff to go through first – Coventry 1-3 Derby

11 Sep 11

12.30p

Birmingham v Millwall – St. Andrew’s

Chris Hughton is still trying to tie up a loan for Newcastle headache Nile Ranger – not just to play up front, but to reminisce about the good old promotion days when this league seemed more gentle and innocent – Millwall, meanwhile, carry on in their quest to be the least remarkable side in the top half of the Champo, and Kenny Jackett is all right with that – Birmingham 1-1 Millwall

Saturday

12.30p

Coventry v Leicester – Ricoh Arena

Paulo Sousa isn’t a one bird man…his indecisiveness is spilling into his striker selection too: D.J. Campbell was going to stay, but then he went…and now he’s not so sure about Matty Fryatt…at least he has the spunk to admit he couldn’t go on without a bit of Martyn Waghorn…Aidy Boothroyd has the home side embarking on a positive ascent…Chris Coleman did too this time last year, and that didn’t end on the best of terms…Coventry 1-1 Leicester

1.00p

Derby v Sheffield United – Pride Park

Great bit of business by the Rams, eh? Boro were willing to part with upwards of £4m last summer for hulking forward Rob Hulse…instead they dug their heels in and stood firm, aided by the fact Hulse wasn’t interested in a move to the northeast…QPR snapped him up for £1m before the close of the transfer window, leaving a considerable gap in attack…Gary Speed seeks another win to herald a good start to an overdue managerial career…Derby 1-1 Sheffield United

3.00p

Cardiff v Hull – Cardiff City Stadium

Massive…huge…epic…landmark…Anthony Gerrard returns to Cardiff City Stadium! Frankly we’re tired of talking up Craig Bellamy, and we can’t work in a smart Goldie Lookin Chain reference…here’s hoping Nigel Pearson is back to rude health after a hospital scare…Cardiff 2-0 Hull

Leeds United v Swansea – Elland Road

Amdy Faye has been drafted in to add grit and muscle to the Leeds midfield…a shrewd acquisition that further bolsters an already formidable spine…Swansea are right in the early thick of it, but the away form has to improve if they’re to make a real go…another proven goalscorer couldn’t hurt too…maybe a cheeky call to his mate in Madrid to see if Gonzalo Higuain might be available on loan? Leeds United 2-1 Swansea

Norwich v Barnsley – Carrow Road

Mark Robins may have a true gem on his hands in Adam Hammill…a chic pick for prosperity, the Tykes look to build on the success that followed an underwhelming start…Norwich don’t look like they’re going anywhere, in a good way…they’ll hang and claw and scratch, and occasionally gouge…Norwich 3-1 Barnsley

The Trees v Millwall – Trees Home Ground

This is for you smogonthetynenowinnunthorpe…an exorcism of the Garibaldi Reds, distilling them down to a generic parochial, arboreal outfit…chief thicko Steve Morison looks to maintain his torrid form…Kenny Jackett immediately distancing himself from the Wales vacancy can’t hurt the continued cohesion either…The Trees 0-1 Millwall

Portsmouth v Ipswich – Fratton Park

If nothing else, Dave Kitson will give great quote to the journos on the south coast…he and Liam Lawrence certainly appear a considerable upgrade over what they surrendered in Marc Wilson and Tommy Smith…no word if Roy is to go ahead with his coaching duties after this tragic news…goodnight, sweet prince…Portsmouth 1-0 Ipswich

QPR – Middlesbrough – Loftus Road

Things are going swimmingly at the Bush…and Neil Warnock has never lost to Boro, anywhere…of course we had never won at their place either, before the 5-1 thrashing way that signaled Gordo’s first win last December…a real litmus test for the visitors, especially with a national media set to cast a beady eye on our assembly of expensive talent…QPR 2-2 Boro

Reading v Crystal Palace – Madejski Stadium

Palace secured the scrawl of James Vaughan on loan to key the attack…Reading matches them with their own tyro, former Royal Simon Cox is in from West Brom…will Reading go the way of the Sugarcubes after their charismatic focal point Gylfi Sigurdsson has gone? Reading 2-0 Crystal Palace

Scunthorpe v Bristol City – Glanford Park

Such class…Nigel Adkins won’t give Southampton the time of day unless they consider compensating the Iron…a lesson in devotion and professional integrity for all in these morally bankrupt times…Keith Millen gets a starlet in Tottenham’s Danny Rose…the young whippet should be keen to impress that he does indeed have the goods…Scunthorpe 2-1 Bristol City

Watford v Doncaster – Vicarage Road

The loan window recently opened, and no doubt Watford will be on edge as they see if they can snatch anymore big-time Prem-nurtured talent to abet a quest to avoid expected tough times in the league…Doncaster don’t have to wait for the Arsenal whelps, for they play they’re own brand of pass-it-into-the-net stuff…Watford 2-2 Doncaster

5.15p

Burnley v Preston – Turf Moor

Great stuff from Paul Fletcher this week, chronicling the financial re-tooling of a club almost taken to the HMRC wall…Little Ferg is on board with the austerity plan, though not without his own nepotistic loan captures…Turf Moor is a fortress, just ask Big Ferg…Burnley 2-0 Preston

Top Two

Eleven goals scored – two conceded – QPR are off to a flyer – less-heralded summer transfer Jamie Mackie from Plymouth is setting the goal pace with three – maintained an unbeaten start after surreal comeback at Derby – 2 goals in 2nd half stoppage time to rescue a point

Cardiff have won 3 on the bounce after a dull season opening draw v Sheffield United…2 away wins @ Derby and Portsmouth – is the Bellamy capture massive enough to tip the scales and spur a serious promotion push?

Playoff Occupiers

Ipswich are level on points w/ the top two, their goal difference not quite as robust as the table-toppers – fine away form with wins secured at Boro and Crystal Palace – imposingly natty striker Jason Scotland returns to the league with a view to setting it alight once more, at least until Connor Wickham returns…

Millwall are annihilating opponents through sheer goal power – the meteoric rise for Steve Morison continues: blazing a goal trail from non-league to the Championship, earning a call up from Wales, and becoming the subject of rampant transfer speculation… Burnley find life after the drop different, as in they’re picking up regular points, unlike the long, hard slog that was life in the Prem – Chris Iwelumo and Ross Wallace continue to bed in, creating the potential for an extremely potent attack trio when combined with Martin Paterson

Leeds seem perfectly suited to grinding results, just like they did at Vicarage Road last time out – that’s a critical trait to possess at this level – our pre-season picks are generally in peril, but we stand united behind this lot blagging sixth spot in the end

Upper Mid Table

Norwich are acclimating to the higher reaches of the Championship as they lurk outside in seventh…Doncaster and Scunthorpe continue punching above their respective weights…Reading hopes to assuage the Gylfi Sigurdsson departure with a helping of freshly-omitted-from-Wolves-25-man-roster menace Michael Kightly

Lower Mid Table

Boro languish in 16^th, among the detritus consisting of expectant contenders Sheffield United, Hull, and The Trees, those useless trees…believe this: Billy Davies is gonna walk, even Daniel Taylor angularly suggests it…Crystal Palace and Preston hover above the all-to-early-to-speculate-unless-it’s-Pompey drop zone

Bottom 3

Bristol City search for the scorching form they  experienced under Keith Millen atthe end of last term…injuries and overall personnel adjustments conspire to create a huge obstacle, but hey, Jamo is still around…Paulo Sousa is flummoxed that Leicester aren’t embracing the sexy ideals that comprise his smouldering brand of football…and yeah Portsmouth! fleeced Stoke for the erudite Dave Kitson and loveable Irish scamp Liam Lawrence, for just one efficient Marc Wilson…of the course the transaction comes with customary challenges as the paperwork for Lawrence wasn’t completed in time before the transfer deadline…the loan is being processed as we type, with a view to a permanent deal come January…a similar snag occurred with Tommy Smith’s move to QPR…Spurs get all bleeding night to finalise the van der Vaart swoop, and Pompey get held to the stopwatch…pathetic

To underscore the astonishment with the squad selection, Justin Hoyte was deployed at left back…ahead of the 3 existing and available ones…Julio Arca was favoured over Mark Yeates. In retrospect it’s daft to not think we’d struggle as badly as we did. Sorry Gary O’Neil, you didn’t boss the midfield…bang on though in being forthright about the deficiencies in attack and defence. Gary Gill was spared with a nagging malady – former Boro right back Curtis Fleming trekked the icy slopes to the press boxes at St James’ Park – here is what we culled from their vantage:

• GON free kick on 12 mins – Lita rises unchallenged, but the header is far off target
• Geordies lead after a questionable tangle in the box – Shola Ameobi appears to have pushed Emanuel Pogatetz before heading a ball towards goal that’s ultimately stabbed home by Marlon Harewood
• Danny Guthrie starts prolifically – delivered the ball leading to the first goal – his free kick is repelled by the wall but drops to Alan Smith, in a monumental scoring drought, who fizzes his shot low and wide
• Hand ball on Steven Taylor? He controls Isaiah Osbourne’s scooped shot onto the post – another in a long line of stonewall penalties denied
• HT – Newcastle 1 – 0 Boro – Curtis Fleming: Boro poor at set pieces – really costing us; Brad Jones continues to induce fear – rooted to the spot too often, and when he’s not something foolish is usually afoot – Mark Drury openly asks: are we really 20 points worse than the Geordies? Go get stuck in!
• Marcus Bent on – Dave Kitson off – ineffectual from the Ginger Ninj-er
• Niggly officiating
• Reported attendance: 49,644
• David Wheater goes close at one end – Newcastle shift the attack and Danny Guthrie is again involved – a cross from the right meets Ameobi again, this time the striker connects – Newcastle 2- 0 Boro
• Is it safe to throw on Luke Williams and/or Jonathan Franks in a hostile derby environment?
• Lita continues his maddening inconsistency – he’s fed a nice ball resultant of a decent move between Osbourne and Bent – LL pounds the effort well over the crossbar
• Hoyte – horribly exposed to failure – makes an enterprising run at the Newcastle back four – silky moves with no end quality that…sadly
• Franks does get on for Lita late – no impact
• Curtis Fleming MOM – Emanuel Pogatetz

Of paramount importance now is a proper return of points from the holiday fixtures – 6 would be exceptional – anything less than 4 a failure…

Boro have another crisis to negotiate while preparing for the holiday programme, this of a defensive nature. Sean St Ledger is back with Preston, unofficially, on gardening leave until his loan deal becomes permanent come January. Speculation abounds though as to the status of that deal – recent reports highlight an alleged row between defender and gaffer that has the full Ireland international defender cogitating over the impending permanence of his move. Virtual trudging has helped deduce that said row may have been blown out of proportion and that Gordo has designs on converting SSL to right back in the coming new year to help re-shape the squad. Additionally Seb Hines, who was pretty efficient in performing a partnership w/ David Wheater prior to acquiring SSL, suffered gruesome knee damage on reserve duty in the midweek and is out for up to 8 weeks. Expect Emanuel Pogatetz to occupy the central defence w/ Wheats and the recall of Andrew Taylor at left back. The caterwauling for Joe Bennett and/or Jonathan Grounds remains neglected.

Elsewhere in the projected squad: Gary O’Neil has been declared fit to retain the captaincy and return to his role in the Boro engine room; Adam Johnson is out after injury v Cardiff, so Mark Yeates, on a run of 3 consecutive excellent shifts, will marshal the left flank; Julio Arca may feature on the right side – not because he’s really excelled mind, it’s just the paucity of attacking options; and the Kitson/Lita reunion tour is about to reach its climax, so how about one last duet in the intimate surroundings of St. James’ Park?

Leroy Lita was rewarded for a recent spell of good performances with 2 goals – Gary O’Neil, Mark Yeates and Dave Kitson rounded off the scoring. Yeatsie was simply awesome filling in for Adam Johnson – unable to travel to London due to a serious family illness – with his indefatigability. Pilloried for being out of his depths at this level, this was a shift emblematic of his committed approach so desired and appreciated earlier this season. For Kitson, it’s 3 in 2 games, and understandably the club is focusing considerable effort on trying to extend the Stoke City strikers loan. Expect a Save Our Promotion Ginger Retention Scheme to take off any moment now.

The fiver of goals means extended notes from the match:

• QPR were wasteful early – dominated large spells, primarily w/ north London loanees Adel Taarabt (Spurs) and Jay Simpson (Arsenal)
• Fine first half for Yeates – rattled crossbar, earned the free kick leading to the first goal, and surged forward with regularity
• Lita and Kitson really building on what they enjoyed when at Reading – linked up to create good scoring chances – a redux of the Yak and Duke days when opposing managers were quick in the postgame pressers to admit our strikers were hard to handle?
• Second week running that we have an iron-clad pen waived off??!
• Good stuff from Radek Cerny – former Spurs man has worked hard to deny great scoring chances in the first half – Boro could easily have more than 1
• We get that penalty early in the second half – QPR handles it in a busy box – Lita emphatically dispatches it and promptly gets carded for stripping and taunting the QPR dugout
• 2 goal lead lasted mere moments – more capitulation?
• LL gets his brace – Yeates unlocked the striker for his second goal on 60 minutes
• Arca almost gets the 4^th – multiple bites of the apple for the Argey repelled by Cerny – another QPR hand ball infringement goes unnoticed
• Wayne Routledge blows a golden chance for a QPR lifeline – Jonesey commits his most egregious error of the match but gets away with it
• Lita searching for the hat trick – piledrives the woodwork and GON tucks away – 4-1 Boro
• Tough love shown to Didier Digard before replacing GON – GS2 reported extra firm to his Frenchman before the match too
• Yeatsie selfishly gets his for the 5^th as Boro bag the points!!
• Gary Gill MOM: Leroy Lita

Absolutely chuffed w/ the result – Blackpool on Tuesday – more later…

• How many away goals do we have to score to protect against defensive lapses?
• Is the diminishing defensive prowess down to St Ledger? Can he co-exist w/ Wheater, or any of our centre-backs?
• The illustrative nature of the kit cock-up – a pretty damning picture of the dearth of focus and direction at multiple levels within the club
• Kitson was a revelation against Posh, and he’s desperately the type of commanding up-front presence we need, but have we forgotten that he’s relatively adamant his stay on Teesside is temporary

We missed the match – only the second in 4 years that couldn’t be followed in some live shape due to transit logistics – but caught up via the live blog. Slightly sophomoric this time round…save the cheap gags for after-match celebrations. Don’t let it morph into the disorganized mess we witness on the pitch.

And to maintain journalistic concentration, belated notes from the Forest draw presented in a holiday-style sampler:

• Pogatetz was back – and pretty useful after just three weeks removed from the fractured cheekbone v Plymouth
• EARLY GOAL!! – Arca pushed forward from the right, was spoon-fed by Johnno, shaped a shot palmed away by Lee Camp, tucked away by Leroy Lita
• Bright start for Boro, but Forest persevered and started to control the match – Jonesey made a string of decent saves to close the half
• Dave Kitson: Ginger Ninj-er!
• Forest level through a routine Rob Earnshaw free kick – poor
• AV eagle-eye view: ‘Forest look fitter, faster, and more up for it’
• Fortunate to get a point frankly – Forest dominated for long spells later on, we lost any attacking creativity…the fitness/focus concerns are alarming

Reinforcements have been brought in – namely the 6’3″ of  ginger tincture that is Dave Kitson, on loan from Stoke City through the end of the year. Middlesbrough’s new, albeit temporary, mastadon is tasked with getting on the end of all those crosses that are to start coming into the opposing penalty area as the club look to break their duck under the new gaffer. Emanuel Pogatetz expects to contend for a starting berth as well after an express recovery from the fractured cheekbone suffered v Plymouth. We’d machinate more of a squad plan if it weren’t for the lingering getting-to-know-you phase miring the club since the new managerial appointment. Plus, we’ve a proper piss-up later this evening and can’t be fussed.

We do know that Forest are historically regal against us – Boro haven’t won in the last 12 head-to-head contests,  and Forest have 5 consecutive away wins on Teesside. Despite the two weeks off,  our extra hour of slumber will be relished, and we’ll be there shotgun w/ AV and his live matchcast.

The good, the bag, and the ugly shall follow sometime later in the weekend – result pending of course…