Going up

Leicester: something tells us Sven has one huge – non-sexual – triumph left in him – we all know there’s loads more conquests of the most elusive prey in his future

Cardiff: the man tasked with arresting the annual late-season choke/slide has assembled the best strike tandem in the division: Robert Earnshaw and Kenny Miller could terrorise this league

Playoff contestants

Hull (promoted): Paul McKenna and Dele Adebola – a dual signing with Big Nige’s DNA all over it – McKenna is a warrior, and Adebola presents opposing defences with myriad problems

Blackpool: love the Barry Ferguson signing – not so crazy about losing DJ Campbell and Luke Varney – they should be in the frame just to unsettle the Premier League establishment, threatening to rile the avaricious suits with more brutal candour

Middlesbrough: a full season – with no gaffer drama – under Tony Mowbray is the Boro supporter’s idea of hope and wonderment – a lack of summer transfer activity suggests an onus to be placed on some of the touted kids like Park, Reach, Williams, Franks and others

West Ham: where are Ivan Campo and Stelios? old Bolton mates like Kevin Davies, Matt Taylor, Joey O’Brien and Abdoulaye Faye are waiting for your sign – let’s try, really try, to make it work again

Balls deep in the race

Reading: Matt Mills was flipped for a princely profit – Shane Long could be next – this is Jobi McAnuff’s team now

Portsmouth: stability, that’s what Steve Cotterill provides – and now he can buy players! Luke Varney and David Norris represent quality additions at this level

Leeds: the traffic at Elland Road has been one way: out – Simon Grayson needs reinforcements now with Davide Somma out for an extended period and Luciano Becchio recovering from a pre-season injury

Ipswich: there’s suspiciously optimistic expectations at Portman Road – yeah, Chopra and Stockdale are good signings, but it’s Paul Jewell…

On the faint periphery

Burnley: it might not be so rosy for Eddie Howe now – he’s been told to trim the wage bill of veterans and other valuable assets – Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears, Graham Alexander, Clark Carlisle, they’re all gone – at least Jay Rodriguez remains to occupy the lonely spotlight

Brighton: marquee acquisition Craig Mackail-Smith needs to exceed his modest 10 goal tally last time round in this division – they should be likeable given the myth and beauty of the local area, but the sponsor for their brand new ground are mighty oppressors

Mid-table security

Crystal Palace: a fair few Palace supporters are hoping for a quiet, uneventful, mid-table finish – no administration, no managerial upheaval, just some spirited football

Birmingham: if anyone knows how to kerb relegation turmoil, it’s Chris Hughton – it remains to be seen how much the Hong Kong Phooey sideshow will affect operations

Derby: Nigel Clough slagged off his old players enough that his board got him 8 new ones – getting them to play together like they’ve known each other for years is an entirely different challenge

Nottingham Forest: how soon before a forlorn McClaren realises his title-winning FC Twente side were much better players than this largely-inherited lot?

Uncomfortable for a while

Bristol City: Keith Millen has some talent at his disposal in Nicky Maynard, Albert Adomah and Marvin Elliott – they could help produce a surprising finish…or finance a radical rennovation

Peterborough: Darren Ferguson will win the interview of the season award hands down…cos he’ll be the only nominee – 4 or 5 choice bites promulgating how much better his side were, and how the  scoreline was flattering to the victors

Southampton: looking forward to facing Rickie Lambert to be honest – and the Chamberlain kid, if his old man hasn’t forced a move by then

Cause for serious concern

Watford: congratulations Sean Dyche on your first head job – sorry about flogging our leading scorer from last year…and those creative midfielders – we still have Martin Taylor

Millwall: surely it was impossible to resist cashing in on Steve Morison – replacing his bags of goals will force a few reflective pauses in the Den

Coventry (relegated): still shocked that woman-beater Marlon King turned his back on the club that foolishly threw him a guaranteed lifeline back into football

Barnsley (relegated): Keith Hill looks like a good shout for first to be sacked – there’s nothing sexy or creative about them since Adam Hammill left

Doncaster (relegated): it was a fun ride while it lasted – Rovers will have exhausted their recent relegation elusiveness come April

4 changes for Boro: Steele, Hoyte, Wheater, Bates, Bennett, Robson, Bailey,

GON, Taylor, Boyd, Lita – Subs: Coyne, Hines, McMahon, Arca, Park, Kink, Emnes

1^st half

• Leroy Lita: 6 matches as an opponent at Ashton Gate – 0 goals and his visiting sides are winless

• Mogga continues to toe the diplomatic line re: Mido – still a very complicated situation with no quick resolution on the horizon

• Referee: Darren Drysdale (Lincolnshire) – his day job? Sergeant in the RAF

• Bristol City looking for their first league double over Boro

• Barry Robson and Andrew Taylor sit on 4 yellow cards – 1 booking away from suspension

• 15 mins and the match lacks a decided shape and pattern – great start from GON – Robbo/Bailey pairing well in the engine room
• Boro: only 3 away clean sheets in the last 16 months – Leicester, Scunthorpe, and…Plymouth last Easter

• Attack Kalifa Cisse – looks short on confidence – poor overall by the hosts -  Brett Pitman also appearing woeful

• Taylor/Bennett bracketing Albert Adomah effectively on the wing, preventing Cole Skuse from getting the livewire involved

• Steven Caulker, on loan from Spurs – highly rated – a big, physical, skillful centre back

• Following a predictable formula so far – dominant for the first 35 mins, but no end product…the longer we allow Bristol City to hang around the more we expose ourselves to a late mugging

• Kalifa Cisse’s shocker of a day continues: Lethal Leroy Lita’s late half drive deflects off the Malian to give us a deserved lead just before the half

HT Bristol City 0-1 Boro

Can Mogga afford to depress the accelerator? They have the pace to punish us on the counter – now with the lead we should perhaps tighten up and be difficult to penetrate. And how will we deal with the supremacy? Do we have the discipline and commitment to see this out and claim a great result? Justin Hoyte – hamstring knack – went off on 38 minutes, replaced with Tony McMahon – no word on the extent of the injury after the interval.

2^nd half

• Surprisingly, there were no Bristol City changes at the break – and for the first 5-8 minutes of the second half it looked like the right decision – best spell of the match so far for the hosts

• Andrew Taylor, however longer he remains a Boro player, can in theory provide the optimal coverage for a foraging young left back like Joe Bennett

• 62 meetings – 27 W 18 D 17 L favouring Boro

• Lethal Leroy Lita! 58 minutes he strikes for his first goal at Ashton Gate since leaving Bristol…outstanding cross from Tony McMahon to punctuate the move ending in the goal that should provide an impenetrable lead

• It’s been better from Bristol City, which really was the only way they could go after a disgusting first half showing – Ivan Sproule has provided a nice boost

• Robbo gets a third with his assiduity and determination – great run and a brute finish to beat David James

• Will Lethal claim the OG? Consider the efforts to discredit Sean St Ledger’s Reading goal from last season

• Cameron Park gets his debut, after being denied by the weather against Hull and the tragic circumstances at Burton

• Attendance: 13699

• The debutant earns a late pen and gets England’s David James sent off! He has the cheek and bottle to petition the senior players to take it, but Lethal doesn’t relent…LL steps up and converts for a nice brace to make it 4

FT Bristol City 0-4 Boro

GG MOM: Lethal

What a strong, controlling, professional performance – ‘a perfect afternoon’. See, we can keep clean sheets, and score goals. Andrew Taylor was so good, so effective; Robbo and Bailey had tremendous shifts – a real selection headache now for Mogga considering Arca was on the bench. All of the sudden we’re overrun with capable footballers.

The Boro away supporters (still waiting on an official number) are holding court in the Wedlock Stand. After the final whistle they’re richly applauded, rewarded with shirts chucked in the crowd by the appreciative players.

Tunnel reaction with Tony Mowbray: most important thing is the points – clinical performance, all the talk of being the better team has finally been turned to action – clean sheet should give the defence lots of confidence – Andrew Taylor: ‘my type of player’ – Kevin Thomson: hairline fracture in the same spot that was damaged originally against Leicester…it’s going to be weeks and months before we know when he’ll return

A nonplussed Andrew Taylor: wasn’t expecting to be back to be honest – enjoyed his role on the left side of midfield – massive changes since Mogga has taken over…didn’t get on with Strachan at all, and the changes in training and approach have been abundantly clear – Watford is in for him, and his future here is still very much up in the air

Barry Robson speaks: glad everything fell into place today – we looked like we could score virtually every time going forward – quite annoyed when Lita demanded the pen – boilerplate Robbo reply that makes us love him: I’m just interested in winning football matches, that’s it

Picks with proper sloppy commentary and ill hypotheses return in force!

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Sven looks to continue his resuscitation-with-just-a-bit-of-open-mouth-kissing on Leicester’s flat-lining campaign – a win here would hop the hosts and land conveniently in the crotch of mid table…Adam Hammill is setting hearts aflutter far and wide with his mature, commanding performances…Barnsley 1-1 Leicester

Bristol City v Preston – Ashton Gate

Chairman Steve Landsdown recently announced operating losses in the region of £11m – pack your gear there Jamo and get in that shop window with Marvin Elliott and stay there til the punters arrive! The Lillywhites may be flush in their own dosh if the palaver about Sean St. Ledger is true: Liverpool and Villa are set to joust over the right to abduct the wannabe attacking midfielder defender who irreparably shot David Wheater’s confidence…Bristol City 2-1 Preston

Coventry v Leeds United – Ricoh Arena

Like the crabs you’d get after sleeping with a bird from Coventry, Coventry just will not abate, residing loftily in fourth place – Leeds have lost four of six, shipping 15 goals in that span…reap what ye sow dirty beggars!! Coventry 3-2 Leeds

Doncaster v Millwall – Keepmoat Stadium

Somewhere in a parallel universe there’s an underachieving and disinterested Donny blogger unleashing a Sexual Healy blog post – the Northern Ireland goal hawk has just perched up outside of Sean O’Driscoll’s office to replace the talismanic Billy Sharp on a one month loan from Sunderland…Doncaster 2-2 Millwall

Hull v Scunthorpe – KC Stadium

Talks of a takeover from local businessmen Assem and Ehab Allam have silenced, shrouding the home side in more uncertainty, as if the stuttering start under Nigel Pearson wasn’t enough…Scunthorpe tick along like a classic functioning alcoholic: dependable, regular, and prone to the occasional bout of spasticity…Hull 1-1 Scunthorpe

Middlesbrough v Crystal Palace – Riverside Stadium

Mogga reunites on the touchline with mentor/nemesis George Burley – at least the Boro boss can claim innocence: shit was already fucked up when he arrived, where as his former gaffer is fairly culpable for shackling Palace to the foot of the table…Boro 2-1 Crystal Palace

Norwich v Burnley – Carrow Road

Clarification please on the new football administration accreditation available through the Clarets, with lectures taking place in the stands of Turf Moor: do we end up like Pompey or Palace, or just learn the best way to get clubs into those hopeless positions? Norwich 1-2 Burnley

QPR v Reading – Loftus Road

Rangers have finally been knocked from the top of the heap, but this still constitutes a salivating top six encounter…it seems like only 8 matches or so ago that Reading were the fodder for reigniting the Boro promotion push – now they’ve rocketed into the playoff positions…fucking cunts…QPR 3-1 Reading

Sheff Utd v Ipswich – Bramall Lane

Chris Morgan, the man who gift-wrapped Boro’s win over the Blades earlier this season, is out for the rest of the season – who will Gary Speed get to fill the filthy dirty cunt vacancy? Keano spat another soundbite gem recently; speaking of the dynamism of the loan market the madman proclaimed: sometimes you talk to a bird all night and don’t get her in the taxi…very prophetic…Sheff Utd 0-1 Ipswich

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Thank fucking Christ smogonthetyne now in nunthorpe exorcised his City Ground demons…daft metonymy equating The Trees to Forest completely obliterates our credibility…Watford 4-2 Nottingham Forest

5.20p

Derby v Portsmouth – Pride Park

@robbiesavage8 is a good follow on Twitter…that is if you have a soul-crushing job and clutch the Blackberry to escape the banality of a firewalled, corporate-master sanctioned internet…and for the 1871^st time we bellow: why the fuck did we not move for Liam Lawrence when he was available? Derby 2-1 Portsmouth

Sunday

1.10p

Cardiff v Swansea – Cardiff City Stadium

Our personal favourite derogatory chant involving this lot? Hey, Swansea, leave our sheep alone! (to the tune of Another Brick In The Wall) – hopefully the stewards can collect the change that will pelt linos, the ref, players, rozzers, whoever, to a Coinstar, or the Welsh equivalent…Cardiff 2-1 Swansea

Top Two

Eleven goals scored – two conceded – QPR are off to a flyer – less-heralded summer transfer Jamie Mackie from Plymouth is setting the goal pace with three – maintained an unbeaten start after surreal comeback at Derby – 2 goals in 2nd half stoppage time to rescue a point

Cardiff have won 3 on the bounce after a dull season opening draw v Sheffield United…2 away wins @ Derby and Portsmouth – is the Bellamy capture massive enough to tip the scales and spur a serious promotion push?

Playoff Occupiers

Ipswich are level on points w/ the top two, their goal difference not quite as robust as the table-toppers – fine away form with wins secured at Boro and Crystal Palace – imposingly natty striker Jason Scotland returns to the league with a view to setting it alight once more, at least until Connor Wickham returns…

Millwall are annihilating opponents through sheer goal power – the meteoric rise for Steve Morison continues: blazing a goal trail from non-league to the Championship, earning a call up from Wales, and becoming the subject of rampant transfer speculation… Burnley find life after the drop different, as in they’re picking up regular points, unlike the long, hard slog that was life in the Prem – Chris Iwelumo and Ross Wallace continue to bed in, creating the potential for an extremely potent attack trio when combined with Martin Paterson

Leeds seem perfectly suited to grinding results, just like they did at Vicarage Road last time out – that’s a critical trait to possess at this level – our pre-season picks are generally in peril, but we stand united behind this lot blagging sixth spot in the end

Upper Mid Table

Norwich are acclimating to the higher reaches of the Championship as they lurk outside in seventh…Doncaster and Scunthorpe continue punching above their respective weights…Reading hopes to assuage the Gylfi Sigurdsson departure with a helping of freshly-omitted-from-Wolves-25-man-roster menace Michael Kightly

Lower Mid Table

Boro languish in 16^th, among the detritus consisting of expectant contenders Sheffield United, Hull, and The Trees, those useless trees…believe this: Billy Davies is gonna walk, even Daniel Taylor angularly suggests it…Crystal Palace and Preston hover above the all-to-early-to-speculate-unless-it’s-Pompey drop zone

Bottom 3

Bristol City search for the scorching form they  experienced under Keith Millen atthe end of last term…injuries and overall personnel adjustments conspire to create a huge obstacle, but hey, Jamo is still around…Paulo Sousa is flummoxed that Leicester aren’t embracing the sexy ideals that comprise his smouldering brand of football…and yeah Portsmouth! fleeced Stoke for the erudite Dave Kitson and loveable Irish scamp Liam Lawrence, for just one efficient Marc Wilson…of the course the transaction comes with customary challenges as the paperwork for Lawrence wasn’t completed in time before the transfer deadline…the loan is being processed as we type, with a view to a permanent deal come January…a similar snag occurred with Tommy Smith’s move to QPR…Spurs get all bleeding night to finalise the van der Vaart swoop, and Pompey get held to the stopwatch…pathetic

This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

Nickname(s): The Hornets, Yellow Army, The Horns

Ground: Vicarage Road

From Boro: not quite London calling as Watford sits in the north-eastern reaches of Hertfordshire – 4 hours by car

Kit: some evolution! The 2006-07 kit was streets ahead of that thing

It’s Not A Moose: the large game emblazoned on the crest is actually a hart, as in male deer, and as in Hertfordshire…Watford were the only profession club in the county until Barnet was conceived

Famous Wasps: Luther Blissett was the first Watford player ever capped by England; Kenny Jackett had a playing career shortened by injury, then turned manager (1996-1997); Ashley Young, Marlon King, David James, Ben Foster…none can outshine John Barnes though, who electrified for a 6 year spell from his debut in 1981 right up to the Liverpool departure of 1987