Going up

Leicester: something tells us Sven has one huge – non-sexual – triumph left in him – we all know there’s loads more conquests of the most elusive prey in his future

Cardiff: the man tasked with arresting the annual late-season choke/slide has assembled the best strike tandem in the division: Robert Earnshaw and Kenny Miller could terrorise this league

Playoff contestants

Hull (promoted): Paul McKenna and Dele Adebola – a dual signing with Big Nige’s DNA all over it – McKenna is a warrior, and Adebola presents opposing defences with myriad problems

Blackpool: love the Barry Ferguson signing – not so crazy about losing DJ Campbell and Luke Varney – they should be in the frame just to unsettle the Premier League establishment, threatening to rile the avaricious suits with more brutal candour

Middlesbrough: a full season – with no gaffer drama – under Tony Mowbray is the Boro supporter’s idea of hope and wonderment – a lack of summer transfer activity suggests an onus to be placed on some of the touted kids like Park, Reach, Williams, Franks and others

West Ham: where are Ivan Campo and Stelios? old Bolton mates like Kevin Davies, Matt Taylor, Joey O’Brien and Abdoulaye Faye are waiting for your sign – let’s try, really try, to make it work again

Balls deep in the race

Reading: Matt Mills was flipped for a princely profit – Shane Long could be next – this is Jobi McAnuff’s team now

Portsmouth: stability, that’s what Steve Cotterill provides – and now he can buy players! Luke Varney and David Norris represent quality additions at this level

Leeds: the traffic at Elland Road has been one way: out – Simon Grayson needs reinforcements now with Davide Somma out for an extended period and Luciano Becchio recovering from a pre-season injury

Ipswich: there’s suspiciously optimistic expectations at Portman Road – yeah, Chopra and Stockdale are good signings, but it’s Paul Jewell…

On the faint periphery

Burnley: it might not be so rosy for Eddie Howe now – he’s been told to trim the wage bill of veterans and other valuable assets – Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears, Graham Alexander, Clark Carlisle, they’re all gone – at least Jay Rodriguez remains to occupy the lonely spotlight

Brighton: marquee acquisition Craig Mackail-Smith needs to exceed his modest 10 goal tally last time round in this division – they should be likeable given the myth and beauty of the local area, but the sponsor for their brand new ground are mighty oppressors

Mid-table security

Crystal Palace: a fair few Palace supporters are hoping for a quiet, uneventful, mid-table finish – no administration, no managerial upheaval, just some spirited football

Birmingham: if anyone knows how to kerb relegation turmoil, it’s Chris Hughton – it remains to be seen how much the Hong Kong Phooey sideshow will affect operations

Derby: Nigel Clough slagged off his old players enough that his board got him 8 new ones – getting them to play together like they’ve known each other for years is an entirely different challenge

Nottingham Forest: how soon before a forlorn McClaren realises his title-winning FC Twente side were much better players than this largely-inherited lot?

Uncomfortable for a while

Bristol City: Keith Millen has some talent at his disposal in Nicky Maynard, Albert Adomah and Marvin Elliott – they could help produce a surprising finish…or finance a radical rennovation

Peterborough: Darren Ferguson will win the interview of the season award hands down…cos he’ll be the only nominee – 4 or 5 choice bites promulgating how much better his side were, and how the  scoreline was flattering to the victors

Southampton: looking forward to facing Rickie Lambert to be honest – and the Chamberlain kid, if his old man hasn’t forced a move by then

Cause for serious concern

Watford: congratulations Sean Dyche on your first head job – sorry about flogging our leading scorer from last year…and those creative midfielders – we still have Martin Taylor

Millwall: surely it was impossible to resist cashing in on Steve Morison – replacing his bags of goals will force a few reflective pauses in the Den

Coventry (relegated): still shocked that woman-beater Marlon King turned his back on the club that foolishly threw him a guaranteed lifeline back into football

Barnsley (relegated): Keith Hill looks like a good shout for first to be sacked – there’s nothing sexy or creative about them since Adam Hammill left

Doncaster (relegated): it was a fun ride while it lasted – Rovers will have exhausted their recent relegation elusiveness come April

Leroy Lita: for reasons still unknown, newly promoted Swansea want an ex-Boro powered strike force to see them through…an original offer of £500,000 was beat back recently, and rightly so…Lethal has thrived under Mogga…and QPR were gonna pay at least three times that amount back in January…fuck off Huw

Marvin Emnes: one landmark goal in a South Wales derby and we’ll never hear the fucking end of it…Brendan Rodgers really fancies our dreadlocked Dutchie, who should have never went on loan there in the first place…it would take a remarkable offer to let him leave…something close to the £3.2m we forked over to Rotterdam

Andrew Taylor: the veracity of this one is in question…it’s only been resurrected cos Malky Mackay got the Cardiff job, and ostensibly would have more dosh to fill his Tayls-shaped ambition, but aren’t Cardiff a financial mess? it’s no matter, Mogga loves the lad and really wants him to sign a new deal before 30 June 11

Julio Arca: it was an anti-climactic exit for the Argie…he hobbled off to his homeland for a knee procedure before the close of the season…his Supporter’s Player of the Year award was accepted remotely, and there’s certain resignation that he’s determined to find a last deserved payday…as long as it’s not at Wigan

Rhys Williams: casual rumours at the surface, nothing more…there’s the longstanding interest from Owen Coyle…the wild machinations that Arsenal is in for him, willing to come north for a money-spinning friendly as part of any deal…any offer would have to be gobsmacking, with sufficient sell on clauses and escalators

Matthew Bates: I think this was the product of Paylor playing with his meds…there is no evidence of any such activity in this virus ridden receptacle of news and links…plus, who wants a permacrocked is-he-a-defender-or-midfielder insurance liability?

Scott McDonald: it’s fairly surprising there hasn’t been more – hell, any – interest in the diminutive down under striker…14 goals in 36 appearances in all competitions is positively prolific given Boro’s lack of reliable scorers the past few seasons…it’s the prohibitive wages that outstrip his commendable work rate and exceptional technique

Kris Boyd: the cinderblock hanging round our neck…his departure could fund several financially responsible additions, but the only real suitor is a club who now got rid of the gaffer who pushed to make a move for him in the first fucking place…hot European gaffer import Steve McLaren could resort to him as a permanent replacement for Dele Adebola or Robert Earnshaw…but could we bear sending him someplace where his inevitable goals could adversely affect our own objective of finally earning promotion? if only someone could persuade him that these endless offers from Turkey actually include delicious, savoury turkey…

This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

 Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Killen, McDonald

• Marvin Emnes no longer missing in action – he’s back on the bench…still no Nani though
• Barry Robson continues his recent brilliance – inside 3 minutes his free kick seems destined for the Derby net, only to be headed away to safety at the last
• Talk about fine fettle: Robbo opens the scoring for us again! A wonder strike from the edge of the area into the top right corner past a helpless David Martin – Derby 0-1 Boro – 15 mins
• Gordon Strachan Appreciation Society thriving on AV’s live blog – the old resistance to the new gaffer it certainly isn’t on display here
• Danny Coyne earning the virtual platitudes too for his overall composure
• And it’s gone straight to his head around 30 minutes as he tries to invoke some of the past goalkeeping calamities – some butterfingers moments are mitigated nicely by intervention from Mick
• Results at this stage – 40 mins in – going our way…sort of: Coventry losing…to Cardiff – but oh, Blackpool are down…to Sheff Utd…double balls!
• Completely unrelated to the goings on at Pride Park, and maybe best kept to ourselves…we’ve quite the soft spot for plucky Plymouth…Paul Mariner seems a good geezer and he’s quite familiar w/ our part of the world
• HT Derby 0-1 Boro
• Gary Gill thinks we look quite comfortable – Ali Brownlee goes further, saying we’re bossing the middle of the park and doing what we please
• 30 seconds into the 2^nd half GON is clattered – down momentarily but good to continue – Gordo only has 4 recognised midfielders you know
• AV chimes in amid the love-in for Barry Robson: ‘To be fair you wouldn’t want Robson to look at you… he has the black cold eyes of a shark, totally focused on the prey, and he has the tetchy Caledonian growl of of David Moyes too. Scary. Respect.’
• Boro continue the search for a second goal which could well kill off this affair – Mac looked to have bagged it in the 57^th min if not for a questionable off side decision
• Failure to step on the throat is finally punished: Chris Porter – recently on for Robbie Savage – powers home a header at the far post…Coyne lacked the inches to properly divert the ball…67 mins – Derby 1-1 Boro
• Double bugger as they say…6 minutes later it’s Michael Tonge – on loan from Stoke – volleying home from 25 yards to give the hosts a shock lead…Derby 2-1 Boro…two Derby crosses dealt with before the clearance fell nicely to the former Blades midfielder
• Gordo is going for it though – Lee Miller on for Arca in the 83^rd min to join recent sub Leroy Lita up front w/ Scott McDonald
• Hope is substituted for resignation after Rhys Williams commits a second bookable offence – first yellow given in 1^st half stoppage time – and is correctly sent off in the 88^th min – petulant foul on Dean Leacock
• Amazing spirit and fight under less than ideal circumstances! Leroy Lita atones for past transgressions by heading home an unlikely equalizer in stoppage time – Derby 2-2 Boro
• The rediscovered goodwill is quickly eviscerated – keep your damn kit on man…please fine and/or rollick him
• GG MOM – Barry Robson
• FT Derby 2-2 Boro

Fucking Newcastle keep winning – their perpetual off-season turmoil may have actually helped galvanise the squad. The personnel embargo limited the movement of potential assets like Kevin Nolan, Steve Harper, Jonas Gutierrez, and Andy Carroll. Throw in the extra grit of Alan Smith, Joey Barton, Danny Guthrie, the wise permanent appointment of caretaker Chris Hughton, and it’s not exactly shocking that the Toon have organised effectively and made short work of their new league thus far. The Geordies have been largely injury-free – it needs to stay that way if they wish to continue their rapid ascent back to the top flight.

Peterborough are convinced Mark Cooper is their man to mount next seasons Championship promotion push. The managing prodigy leaves his post at Conference side Kettering Town to fill the vacancy caused by the divorce between silver-spooned Darren Ferguson and Darragh MacAnthony’s plaything, who for a rich bloke has a shit Wikipedia page… The real estate magnate’s puppets are convinced SAF junior has another gig lined up, in no way influenced by his familial connections, possibly to change the bigarade hue that has ensconced greater Hull for the past 3 years.

Paolo Sousa is devilishly handsome. And he backed Boro for promotion after receiving a 3-0 thrashing from the Teessiders in round 2. We naturally love him, if only because he adequately fills the Mourinho-shaped void in English football. The Jacks own the stingiest defence in the division, and are now unbeaten in 10 straight, elevating to 9^th in the table.

And hasn’t Ian Holloway heard that junk shop clothes will get you nowhere? He was convicted by the Blackpool kangaroo court for either not being punctual, or misplacing his kit, or both? He trudged off to the charity shop for a £12.99 suit to wear for the 4-1 thrashing of schizophrenic Scunthorpe. Speaking of misplacing, seems Robbie Savage has some explaining to do…why show up for an international flight w/ the passport of your missus? Is it a devious murder for hire subplot on the lurid level of Nip/Tuck, or just an honest cock-up expected of a gypsy oaf? He won’t get back on the        flight deck w/ that behaviour…

The league is on hiatus until next Friday – Swansea v Derby to kick off round 17 – we’ll return next week to summarise Boro/Forest, and the rest of the notable and entertaining…

Nickname: The Rams

Ground: Pride Park

From Boro: about 140 miles south

Kit: very likeable!

Boro Links: the figurative Clough Way forever bridges the two clubs and regions in between; Young Nigel is in the family business now, steering DCFC to safety after arrival from Burton Albion midway through last season

Records: the ignominy of tallying the lowest points total (11) of the Premier league era in 2007-08; the 70’s were far more kind in this passionate footballing locale: 2 Football League Championships (72-73, 74-75) and a semi-finals appearance in the European Cup (1973), bowing to Juventus, prompting Brian Clough to famously label La Vecchia Signora ‘cheating bastards’