Newcastle

League position: 12th – 41 pts

Form: 16th

Remaining fixtures: Birmingham, Chelsea (a), West Brom

There’s no way they call balls this up, is there? Nah…well…nah…they’ll beat the Brummies…probably

Aston Villa

League position: 13th – 41 pts

Form: 10th

Remaining fixtures: Wigan, Arsenal (a), Liverpool

How sweet would it be for Gary McAllister – Boro destructionist Ginger Cunt’s number two – to crash this American flagged carrier into the jagged rocks? Eh, maybe we shouldn’t admonish him for getting the fuck out while he could…but Villa are balls deep in it now, and unless they find a way past Wigan Stewart Downing is gonna get the cold shakes all over again…

Sunderland

League position: 14th – 41 pts

Form: 18th

Remaining fixtures: Bolton (a), Wolverhampton, West Ham (a)

You can damn near compile a Sunderland starting XI just from those currently infirmed…at some stage a club on an absolutely wretched run has to get a break, but where could it lay for the Mackems? They’ll scrape a couple of draws and struggle away from the blast zone…

Birmingham

League position: 15th – 39 pts

Form: 12th

Remaining fixtures: Newcastle (a), Fulham, Tottenham

Beating Arsenal in the league cup final and qualifying for Europe is good for English football…getting relegated after winning a domestic trophy isn’t so good…especially if you’re Arsene Wenger…turning over Fulham is the target from this perspective…do that and they can parade around the backwaters of Europe proudly

Blackburn

League position: 16th – 38 pts

Form: 15th

Remaining fixtures: West Ham (a), Man Utd, Wolverhampton

Blackburn will cock it up against Wolves on the final day and get relegated (there’s a 22% chance of that coming even remotely true)

Blackpool

League position: 17th – 35 pts

Form: 19th

Remaining fixtures: Tottenham (a), Bolton, Man Utd (a)

It’s been wildly entertaining; Ian Holloway has been a breath of fresh sound byte for the World’s Greatest League© and its constituents…at least the mandatory upgrades to Bloomfield Road will be paid off…can’t see them getting anything in London or Manchester…and that Bolton match could finish 5-5

Wigan

League position: 18th – 35 pts

Form: 11th

Remaining fixtures: Aston Villa (a), West Ham, Stoke (a)

Lose at Villa Park this weekend and Wigan are going back down, some 6 years overdue…Roberto Martinez will get the sack, all the disparate young whippets will be auctioned off, and the dust won’t settle until thudding into League One

Wolves

League position: 19th – 34 pts

Form: 17th

Remaining fixtures: West Brom, Sunderland (a), Blackburn

Here’s how it’s gonna happen: beat West Brom, then draw at the Stadium of Light, and save an almighty bollocking for chickenfuckers Blackburn…7 points in the last 9 to defy the detractors…flippin ‘eck indeed

West Ham

League position: 20th – 32 pts

Form: 20th

Remaining fixtures: Blackburn, Wigan (a), Sunderland

Get Bellevue on the phone right now: West Ham will run the table and finish 16th! Admittedly the premise is as one-dimensional and flaccid as Gold/Sullivan production Hostile Bendover, starring Carlton Pole and Sian Massive, the 76FFFF endowed head of referees – look at the final set of matches…it couldn’t have been conceived any more fortuitously, climbing over the decomposing corpses of Blackburn and Wigan, letting them live to Wank Another Day, coming this summer

The final table, as seen through perverted eyes…

12. Newcastle

13. Aston Villa

14. Sunderland

15. Birmingham

16. West Ham

17. Wolves

18. Blackburn

19. Blackpool

20. Wigan

It’s quite wishful, almost too much so, but fuck it – Wigan go down after finishing bottom, joined by Blackburn and Blackpool. The latter raises hopes of a weekend fixture to compliment a lovely seaside getaway – not another Tuesday night in February please…

More misery at The Riverside…a nightmarish start coupled with dull and uninspiring finishing resigned Boro to another humiliating failure. The same shit as before; home losses in the last 6 months to inferior Reading, West Brom, and Bolton (effing twice!) sides. This appalling home form marred our most realistic opportunity at a redux of Cup glory. Minus some late match heroics v Stoke by Tuncay, and a late equaliser from Mido against the Hammers, we’d be mired in complete misfortune.

Once again, Gaz was remorseful…so was captain Emanuel Pogatetz, for it was his cynical challenge early on that paved a Bolton advantage. Another quick goal, courtesy of Matt Taylor, doubled the visitors lead and buried Boro further. There were occasional chances, mostly negated by questionable finishing, poor timing, and smart Bolton defending from the likes of Kevin Nolan, who cleared one of two goalbound efforts from Gary O’Neil off the lines at the latest of moments. Jeremie Aliadiere returned to the starting XI with David Wheater, but there was nothing to conjure from the recent run to reject Bolton’s advances.

Stewart Downing made like he was shit for England v Germany…Afonso Alves added to more bust conjecture; is he too high maintenance for a mid-table club like ours? This rash of home inadequacy must end…fucking now…there is a chance to achieve something special and respectable…top half of the table and an outside push for Europe beckon…grab it by the balls, squeeze, and exert your will.

a good place to run and hide from the abject desolation

Valladolid victorious again in the gauntlet, and the 0-0 hurrays spread to Spain as well

Tuncay tees up a winner

It would be criminally easy to salute Tuncay as man of the match. Stewart Downing too. But it was the guy who was loathe to play football such a short time ago. Chris Riggott maintained his top form for another week. Tasked with marking the pacy Gabriel Agbonlahor, the Boro man delivered critical and thoughtful challenges. Attacking angles were cut out, and desperate Villa balls into the box more often than not met his head to clearance.

Astoundingly he made us forget David Wheater was tethered to the bench. The senior Boro man has converted the despair from the football nadir to a return of aggressive form. He’s capitalized on injuries and suspensions to command a recurring role in Boro’s improving back line. Chris Riggott = Peroni!!

Never Been to Boro

Talks reportedly underway to secure our in form first year keeper Ross Turnbull – long overdue…the whole purpose of allowing him to battle Jonesy for the top slot was to allow someone to excel and shine…he’s clearly demonstrated it, so pay him. Extending the original shout out to Stewie…we were all down on him – and he was clearly down on himself. His form @ Villa was exquisite…dominating the left hand side of Villa’s half, cutting inside at will, inventive balls to his attack, great efforts on goal

next match – 16 Nov @ Everton…coverage on Setanta or Setanta Broadband