Group A – South Africa, France, Uruguay, Mexico

Winner: France

Runner-up: Uruguay

France embraces the conversion to a 4-3-3, but Djibril Cisse gets the adulation, not Nic or Thierry, by netting pivotal goals that see Les Bleus through – one to sink the hosts in a dream-crushing defeat, and another much more magical, condemning Mexico to a risible finish at the foot of the group…Uruguay ride the fire-power of Forlan and Suarez to a respectable second place…South Africa infatuates ever so briefly, but not even the    pure class of Steven Pienaar can rescue their hopes of advancement, extinguishing the din of the vuvuzela…briefly

Group B – Argentina, Nigeria, Greece, South Korea

Winner: Argentina

Runner-up: Nigeria

Sod the football, consider the culinary smorgasbord: prized Argentine beef fire-roasted to perfection; more, spicier barbeque delights from the Koreans; smart and tasty Mediterranean fare from the skint Greeks; exotic and soulful Nigerian pepper pot…it’ll sound even better after beers in the early desert midweek morning…

Group C – England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia

Winner: England

Runner-up: United States

So folks seem to think the U.S. can spring a surprise, like when Portugal was shocked in 2002…we do agree that the touch-paper could be lit w/ cantankerous starlets like Michael Bradley set to test the limits of Wazza’s temper…it will be the match of the group for sure, though Algeria and Slovenia shouldn’t be overlooked – the former pipped Egypt in an incendiary sudden death showdown in Omdurman, the latter outlasting Russia over two legs in a European qualifying play-off…it’s the second finals appearance for the nascent nation formed only in 1992 after the dissolution of Yugoslavia…

Group D – Germany, Serbia, Ghana, Australia

Winner: Serbia

Runner-up: Ghana

The thinking mans’ group of death; Germany and their ruthless efficiency are a given, however no Michael Ballack will be crippling…Ghana appear the most well rounded of the African contingent – no worries about the Essien absence, Kevin Prince-Boateng shall shine…Australia are like an Asian Ireland-light – plenty of good footballers, but a bewildering dearth of overall quality…Serbia is where it’s at – they’ll top this group, and if you disagree Nemanja Vidic will elbow you in the bonce

Group E – Netherlands, Denmark, Cameroon, Japan

Winner: Netherlands

Runner-up: Denmark

Of course the Dutch are stunningly sexy with their terrific kits and regal, attacking football…we’re coming around on Denmark though, if only because we must be a closet Nicklas Bendtner fan…exceptional skill for a hunky oaf – and he bangs top Danish socialites too…Cameroon and kamikaze Japan are entertaining filler too…they’ll both indulge the Dutchies and spray some goals around

Group F – Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia

Winner: Paraguay

Runner-up: Italy

Slovakia topped their group, as tepid as it was, but Paraguay impressed highly in CONMEBOL qualification…even without talisman Salvador Cabanas unavailable due to gunshot-to-the-head knack, we like Guaranies chances…Santa Cruz and Cardozo are more than capable to conjure goals…Italy will creak through with discomforting ease…and we’re modifying that old All Blacks top into a football appropriate garment, replete w/ a Killen – 10 emblazoned haphazardly on the back

Group G – Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea

Winner: Brazil

Runner-up: Portugal

Sven says no one is talking about North Korea…they play good football contends the lothario…you’re not in Pyongyang anymore man, and they can’t get to you! Didier Drogba’s mangled elbow tonks any chance the Ivorians had…Brazil and Portugal will use this occasion as a recital for the latter stages…and not even the gun-toting despotic Kim Jong-il in a lone striker role can propel the testy, ill-informed comrades to any semblance of happiness or glory

Group H – Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras

Winner: Spain

Runner-up: Switzerland

Naturally Spain will boss this – never mind about any perceived Cesc distractions…svengali Wenger has the lad’s future sorted, however sex trade-related and pederast that sounds…the assembly line of talent at Del Bosque’s disposal doesn’t even have room for Marcos Senna for fucks sake! Chile are feared to be swashbuckling w/ Bielsa’s vaunted 3-3-1-3, but without a Humberto Suazo ballast their hopes could crumble fail faster than a top kill maneuver…and Honduras just being here is plenty to salve the political strife, whatever the method/medium…the fact it’s an almighty global football carnival is merely a generous bonus…

Feel free to add your own pithy commentary…next we sort the knockout stages and crown the first champion on fertile African soil

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FIFA missed a gilt-edged opportunity to enliven the draw and make it more a media sensation: instead of drawing from pots, the orbs could have been strategically placed about the undraped and vulnerable form of hostess Charlize Theron a la naked sushi fetes in swanky locales like South Beach. What better way to further illustrate the natural splendor of the host republic? Also, it would have done the job to cleanse our palette that is still fouled by the imagery of this…

Group A: South Africa/Mexico/Uruguay/France – the insipid performance of the French at Euro 2008, coupled w/ the difficulty in actually qualifying for the event, may herald the official demise of the golden generation, but until otherwise France remains in that group w/ Germany, Italy, Brazil, and Argentina that, no matter what their form or world ranking, should be wagered against at your own peril – France/Mexico advance

Group B: Argentina/Nigeria/South Korea/Greece – Maradona has ample opportunity to balls this up; hard to see how he can select a hard 23 man squad for up to a month when he called up over 70 during qualifying…did we mention Diego didn’t take over until after the campaign had started? Argentina/Greece advance

Group C: England/United States/Algeria/Slovenia – the jingoistic English press was jubilant at the draw – Wazza couldn’t be bothered – did he have his chips before bed at least? Brown sauce?? England will walk this group, and the US might have their aspirations of advancement quashed quicker than in 2006 – England/Slovenia advance

Group D: Germany/Australia/Ghana/Serbia – eff Group G being anointed the dreaded Group of Death; this is the tastiest on offer – can Oz duplicate their courageous efforts from last time round? Ghana have the class and skill to carry the continental torch – do they have the bottle? Serbia is being woefully underrated early doors too – and Germany – see France above – Germany/Ghana advance

Group E: Holland/Japan/Cameroon/Denmark – there is absolutely nothing to make us think this won’t be the most entertaining group, dreary Danes aside – Paul Le Guen has Lions Imdomptables organised after a shaky start to qualifying – Japan play w/ kamikaze abandon – Holland are imperious, and they have the shekshi-est kits in world football – Denmark are the steel of the group – Holland/Denmark advance

Group F: Italy/Paraguay/New Zealand/Slovakia – tame and imbalanced upon initial views – Italy are Italy, and defending champions – Paraguay finished 3^rd in CONMEBOL, but tied w/ Chile for most victories – NZ might be better off sending the All Blacks – no love for Slovakia, even though they topped their Euro group…which included San Marino and Northern Ireland – Italy/Paraguay advance

Group G: Brazil/DPR Korea/Ivory Coast/Portugal – enough already about the top 3 (and one cheating diving cunt – NOT Drogba!)of the group – did you know that the DPR Korea national side nickname is Chollima? the mythical horse of Siberian/Central Asia origins is said to be too swift to be mounted – Brazil/Portugal advance

Group H: Spain/Honduras/Chile/Switzerland – some fine cuisine going on there: 3 variations of the empanada!! fondue looks absolutely pedestrian against that  – look closer though and realise that Spain are arguably the best team in the world at the moment, Chile astounded in their qualifying, and Honduras overcame political and civil unrest to unite and relegate Costa Rica to the play-off w/ Uruguay – Spain/Chile advance

We’ve the days off for mid-summer holiday confirmed – lagers early in the morning followed by midday slumbers. Our eye will be sharp as we welcome the diversion from potentially discussing and scheming another way out of the Championship

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