01 Oct 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Coventry – Oakwell

The home side are unbeaten in six, with five consecutive draws following a crucial away result at Reading – 8 points from 18 isn’t the sexiest return, however it’s pure enough to keep Keith Hill out of the shit, for now.

Trips for Sky Blues supports more resemble death marches these days: just one point and two goals in the league, never mind the 3-1 beat down doled out by Bury in the league cup…Barnsley 2-0 Coventry

Blackpool v Bristol City – Bloomfield Road

Ian Holloway will have to ogle his new temporary toy, Liverpool midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, from the stands as he serves a one match touchline ban following the invective directed towards the fourth official Tuesday against Coventry.

Chairman Colin Sexstone is detecting the unrest from all corners: the hopelessness broadcast by the tweens on their mobiles and the general ennui from within Ashton Gate. It may be time for a big change, perhaps a new face with fresh ideas who can convert the few existing assets in to a new side capable a returning to the heady days of promotion contention…Blackpool 2-1 Bristol City

Crystal Palace v West Ham – Selhurst Park

Oh those bongo barons are cheeky fuckers. Sure, you’ll take problem child Carlito off of Cit-eh’s hands, back to the bosom of his English football immersion. The overriding suspicion is that Big Sam just wants to cuddle and tickle the little codger, and get recipes for mouthwatering variations of asado.

Palace remain a conundrum, oscillating between superlative, like against Brighton, and absolute shite, similar to the away loss at Doncaster. The exciting pieces are there, and the wonder of Wilfried has now reached the continent…Palace 1-2 West Sam

Hull v Cardiff – KC Stadium

The steady stream of one-nil results has been abated after draws at the dregs of the league. It hasn’t dented the fine form that keeps Big Nige and his charges balls deep in the promotion push.

Cardiff scored an impressive win to dent league leaders Southampton at midweek – Kenny Miller reappeared after an eight game goal drought to bag an important double, both for club fortunes and individual confidence…Hull 1-1 Cardiff

Ipswich v Brighton – Portman Road

The home side don’t just look good on paper anymore. Last weekend at the Riverside Jimmy Bullard, Keith Andrews, Ibrahima Sonko, they all showed some of the inflated promise and skill their wages suggest.

Maybe a spell away from the new ground is in order for Brighton? Six goals shipped in the last two, forcing a slip from the previous clip that saw newly-rewarded Gus Poyet at the very summit…Town 2-2 Brighton

Leeds v Portsmouth – Elland Road

Fifteen goals in the last six, **cough** eleven conceded **cough**, sees Leeds near the top of the form table. The main propellant is Ross McCormack with eight league goals – nine in all comps. Consider the Davide Somma void filled.

Steve Cotterill is already seeing the benefits of new, committed ownership with the loan capture of the better looking Riise brother, Bjorn Helge. It’s subtle on the surface, but infers a certain ambition to actually build a talented squad compromised of desirable players. What a concept…Dirty Leeds 2-1 Pompey

Millwall v Burnley – New Den

It was a dubious end to a monastic period of abstinence, Liam Feeney’s goal getting some slight aid from Lloyd Doyley – either way it ended an embarrassing period that’s put Millwall on the fast track to the bottom.

Jay Rodriguez got a pair in the conflagration over Forest to redress his goal disparity between league and cup. They can kick on here over a bruised and introverted Millwall side, proving Tuesday’s wonder result wasn’t a circumstantial aberration…Millwall 2-3 Burnley

Peterborough v Doncaster – London Road

John Ryan was thinking about changes back in the summer, starting with mascot. The demise of Donny-as-the-darkhorse-darlings was rapid and blunt, forcing an inevitable change. Dean Saunders has imbued a new spirit in his short time as head man – it’s one of many attributes required to scrape this side off the bottom.

Posh boss Lil Ferg is dishing out the praise for hard man Gabby Zakuani, bypassing a broken toe to shine in a recent five game stretch where Peterborough have stemmed the tide of goals conceded ever so slightly…Posh 3-1 Donny

Reading v Middlesbrough – Madejski Stadium

Boro are fucked without Leroy Lita here, no? The Swansea striker was Boro’s best battering ram in seasons past against Reading, who bullied their way to 5-2 romping last time these two met at the Madejski.

Tony Mowbray knows there’s no mini-crisis of confidence after consecutive home nil-nils – Brian McDermott meanwhile is encouraged by the response of his players after a wretched start saw them flirting with disaster…Reading 2-2 Boro

Southampton v Watford – St. Mary’s

Recent slip ups at Burnley and Cardiff have not been enough to dislodge Southampton from its lofty perch – they remain top going in to the weekend thanks to a singular goal difference. St Mary’s provides the comfort of perfection this term: six wins total – four in the league.

Watford are proving sterner competition that what was projected in August, giving early validation to the appointment of Sean Dyche. Some of the creativity sold off in the summer has been replaced with greater discipline, making the Vicarage Road club a thorny test…Southampton 2-1 Watford

5.20p

Leicester v Derby – King Power Stadium

The last four for Sven have been peculiarly economical, with six points gained through a miserly two goals. Sven has never been one to care about how the knickers drop, so long as they ultimately, surrenderingly, do.
The positive, vibrant start by Derby faces it’s test now: can the run be sustained as we head into October? It was near this stage where the threads started to unravel last term – Nigel Clough worked hard and spent well to get men in to prevent a recurrence…Leicester 1-1 Derby

02 Oct 11

3.00p

Nottingham Forest v Birmingham – City Ground

What odds Steve McClaren makes it to Monday? This has boring, reductive 0-0 tattooed all over it. Especially with Birmingham recharging after a great win in Maribor Thursday in Europa League action.

The ingredients for whatever formula the former Boro boss was conjuring when he took the job just are not present – and the recalcitrance and indifference of the Forest board is doing nothing to mollify the situation…Trees 0-0 Brummie Blue

17 Sep 11

12.30p

Millwall v West Ham – New Den

The beat down potential is massive: loads of tasty geezers and two bit thugs doing unspeakable deeds sure to sicken and shame the nation – but enough about the football match being contested – hopefully the supporters can behave somewhat properly to prevent a repeat of previous transgressions – Millwall 1-2 West Sam

1.00p

Nottingham Forest v Derby – City Ground

Another fierce parochial rumble, sans the extracurricular contretemps and fisticuffs – Forest need something that signifies progress under embattled Steve McClaren, while Derby are trying to keep their place in the upper reaches of the table – Trees 1-1 Derby

3.00p

Barnsley v Watford – Oakwell

Tremendous result for Sean Dyche’s side at the Madejski last round, imbuing a faint bit of hope for a club largely expected to hover round the bottom all season – the home side look to capitalise on a display that saw them be the latest side to flummox the promotion favourites at Leicester – Barnsley 1-1 Watford

Blackpool v Cardiff – Bloomfield Road

El Hadji Diouf could be spitting at a ref inside a Champo ground near you soon enough, if the barren rumour mill is anything to go by – the Blackpool board is dangling a decent carrot in front of the wayward forward after his release from Blackburn – well done to Cardiff for doing the business over Doncaster last week in honour of their fallen supporter – ‘Pool 2-2 Cardiff

Crystal Palace v Middlesbrough – Selhurst Park

Boro begin their temporary south London residency with the league tilt against formidable Palace (Carling Cup 3rd round tie between the two here on Tues) – expect various suits, stattos and scouts in the crowd to get an intimate look at new tyro Wilfried Zaha – Palace 0-1 Boro

Hull v Portsmouth – KC Stadium

Barring the Leeds result from last month, Hull have conceded but twice in the league – the parsimonious defence is imperative given the immediate lack of goal punch – the south coasters are a stingy lot too for the most part – don’t forget the cheap and cowardly too – Hull 1-0 Pompey

Leeds v Bristol City – Elland Road

Simon Grayson is absolutely Finnished after acquiring Mikael Forsell and Mika Vayrynen – word has it an enquiry for Teemu Pukki was made too, but he was snatched up by FC Schalke 04 after a dazzling brace while still playing for HJK in the Europa League – entry into the Veikkausliiga isn’t entirely out of the question – Dirty Leeds 2-0 Bristol City

Leicester v Brighton – King Power Stadium

Flaccid, limp, impotent; these aren’t words you generally associate with Sven Goran Eriksson – okay, well maybe in a footballing context you do – Leicester need a big result against the league leaders to keep them, and automatic promotion hopes, in sight – Leicester 1-2 Brighton

Peterborough v Burnley – London Road

Posh had their recent goal parade postponed last week against Hull – based on the positively shit performance from the Clarets last weekend against Boro it’s quite plausible Lil Ferg’s lads are ready to resume their assault on the goals scored column – Posh 2-0 Burnley

Reading v Doncaster – Madejski Stadium

Fucking hell – these two sides have collected a paltry 5 points from 36 – the Doncaster struggles were to be expected – Reading has no business being at this end of the table, meaning the new signings need to congeal, soonish preferably – Reading 3-0 Donny

18 Sep 11

3.00p

Southampton v Birmingham – St. Mary’s

Full marks to Paul Fletcher for the extraneous titling of his recent blog, we totally get it – Saints are absolutely flying under the former Bangor City gaffer as they charge back to where they think they belong – the Brummies were drubbed at home by Braga in the Europa League on Thursday, choosing a convicted woman beater over a recent hat trick hero – priorities, eh? Southampton 4-1 Brummy Blue

19 Sep 11

7.45p

Ipswich v Coventry

Get a jammy draw before the international break, make a stand at the end of the transfer window to retain the services of your most valuable asset, and stuff the early season Derby surge with a surprise result; it’s all suddenly possible now for Andy Thorn and company – things aren’t so magnanimous for his opposite number at the moment as Paul Jewell is freely admitting he doesn’t have a fucking clue – Town 1-1 Sky (High) Blues

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

Going up

Leicester: something tells us Sven has one huge – non-sexual – triumph left in him – we all know there’s loads more conquests of the most elusive prey in his future

Cardiff: the man tasked with arresting the annual late-season choke/slide has assembled the best strike tandem in the division: Robert Earnshaw and Kenny Miller could terrorise this league

Playoff contestants

Hull (promoted): Paul McKenna and Dele Adebola – a dual signing with Big Nige’s DNA all over it – McKenna is a warrior, and Adebola presents opposing defences with myriad problems

Blackpool: love the Barry Ferguson signing – not so crazy about losing DJ Campbell and Luke Varney – they should be in the frame just to unsettle the Premier League establishment, threatening to rile the avaricious suits with more brutal candour

Middlesbrough: a full season – with no gaffer drama – under Tony Mowbray is the Boro supporter’s idea of hope and wonderment – a lack of summer transfer activity suggests an onus to be placed on some of the touted kids like Park, Reach, Williams, Franks and others

West Ham: where are Ivan Campo and Stelios? old Bolton mates like Kevin Davies, Matt Taylor, Joey O’Brien and Abdoulaye Faye are waiting for your sign – let’s try, really try, to make it work again

Balls deep in the race

Reading: Matt Mills was flipped for a princely profit – Shane Long could be next – this is Jobi McAnuff’s team now

Portsmouth: stability, that’s what Steve Cotterill provides – and now he can buy players! Luke Varney and David Norris represent quality additions at this level

Leeds: the traffic at Elland Road has been one way: out – Simon Grayson needs reinforcements now with Davide Somma out for an extended period and Luciano Becchio recovering from a pre-season injury

Ipswich: there’s suspiciously optimistic expectations at Portman Road – yeah, Chopra and Stockdale are good signings, but it’s Paul Jewell…

On the faint periphery

Burnley: it might not be so rosy for Eddie Howe now – he’s been told to trim the wage bill of veterans and other valuable assets – Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears, Graham Alexander, Clark Carlisle, they’re all gone – at least Jay Rodriguez remains to occupy the lonely spotlight

Brighton: marquee acquisition Craig Mackail-Smith needs to exceed his modest 10 goal tally last time round in this division – they should be likeable given the myth and beauty of the local area, but the sponsor for their brand new ground are mighty oppressors

Mid-table security

Crystal Palace: a fair few Palace supporters are hoping for a quiet, uneventful, mid-table finish – no administration, no managerial upheaval, just some spirited football

Birmingham: if anyone knows how to kerb relegation turmoil, it’s Chris Hughton – it remains to be seen how much the Hong Kong Phooey sideshow will affect operations

Derby: Nigel Clough slagged off his old players enough that his board got him 8 new ones – getting them to play together like they’ve known each other for years is an entirely different challenge

Nottingham Forest: how soon before a forlorn McClaren realises his title-winning FC Twente side were much better players than this largely-inherited lot?

Uncomfortable for a while

Bristol City: Keith Millen has some talent at his disposal in Nicky Maynard, Albert Adomah and Marvin Elliott – they could help produce a surprising finish…or finance a radical rennovation

Peterborough: Darren Ferguson will win the interview of the season award hands down…cos he’ll be the only nominee – 4 or 5 choice bites promulgating how much better his side were, and how the  scoreline was flattering to the victors

Southampton: looking forward to facing Rickie Lambert to be honest – and the Chamberlain kid, if his old man hasn’t forced a move by then

Cause for serious concern

Watford: congratulations Sean Dyche on your first head job – sorry about flogging our leading scorer from last year…and those creative midfielders – we still have Martin Taylor

Millwall: surely it was impossible to resist cashing in on Steve Morison – replacing his bags of goals will force a few reflective pauses in the Den

Coventry (relegated): still shocked that woman-beater Marlon King turned his back on the club that foolishly threw him a guaranteed lifeline back into football

Barnsley (relegated): Keith Hill looks like a good shout for first to be sacked – there’s nothing sexy or creative about them since Adam Hammill left

Doncaster (relegated): it was a fun ride while it lasted – Rovers will have exhausted their recent relegation elusiveness come April

Newcastle

League position: 12th – 41 pts

Form: 16th

Remaining fixtures: Birmingham, Chelsea (a), West Brom

There’s no way they call balls this up, is there? Nah…well…nah…they’ll beat the Brummies…probably

Aston Villa

League position: 13th – 41 pts

Form: 10th

Remaining fixtures: Wigan, Arsenal (a), Liverpool

How sweet would it be for Gary McAllister – Boro destructionist Ginger Cunt’s number two – to crash this American flagged carrier into the jagged rocks? Eh, maybe we shouldn’t admonish him for getting the fuck out while he could…but Villa are balls deep in it now, and unless they find a way past Wigan Stewart Downing is gonna get the cold shakes all over again…

Sunderland

League position: 14th – 41 pts

Form: 18th

Remaining fixtures: Bolton (a), Wolverhampton, West Ham (a)

You can damn near compile a Sunderland starting XI just from those currently infirmed…at some stage a club on an absolutely wretched run has to get a break, but where could it lay for the Mackems? They’ll scrape a couple of draws and struggle away from the blast zone…

Birmingham

League position: 15th – 39 pts

Form: 12th

Remaining fixtures: Newcastle (a), Fulham, Tottenham

Beating Arsenal in the league cup final and qualifying for Europe is good for English football…getting relegated after winning a domestic trophy isn’t so good…especially if you’re Arsene Wenger…turning over Fulham is the target from this perspective…do that and they can parade around the backwaters of Europe proudly

Blackburn

League position: 16th – 38 pts

Form: 15th

Remaining fixtures: West Ham (a), Man Utd, Wolverhampton

Blackburn will cock it up against Wolves on the final day and get relegated (there’s a 22% chance of that coming even remotely true)

Blackpool

League position: 17th – 35 pts

Form: 19th

Remaining fixtures: Tottenham (a), Bolton, Man Utd (a)

It’s been wildly entertaining; Ian Holloway has been a breath of fresh sound byte for the World’s Greatest League© and its constituents…at least the mandatory upgrades to Bloomfield Road will be paid off…can’t see them getting anything in London or Manchester…and that Bolton match could finish 5-5

Wigan

League position: 18th – 35 pts

Form: 11th

Remaining fixtures: Aston Villa (a), West Ham, Stoke (a)

Lose at Villa Park this weekend and Wigan are going back down, some 6 years overdue…Roberto Martinez will get the sack, all the disparate young whippets will be auctioned off, and the dust won’t settle until thudding into League One

Wolves

League position: 19th – 34 pts

Form: 17th

Remaining fixtures: West Brom, Sunderland (a), Blackburn

Here’s how it’s gonna happen: beat West Brom, then draw at the Stadium of Light, and save an almighty bollocking for chickenfuckers Blackburn…7 points in the last 9 to defy the detractors…flippin ‘eck indeed

West Ham

League position: 20th – 32 pts

Form: 20th

Remaining fixtures: Blackburn, Wigan (a), Sunderland

Get Bellevue on the phone right now: West Ham will run the table and finish 16th! Admittedly the premise is as one-dimensional and flaccid as Gold/Sullivan production Hostile Bendover, starring Carlton Pole and Sian Massive, the 76FFFF endowed head of referees – look at the final set of matches…it couldn’t have been conceived any more fortuitously, climbing over the decomposing corpses of Blackburn and Wigan, letting them live to Wank Another Day, coming this summer

The final table, as seen through perverted eyes…

12. Newcastle

13. Aston Villa

14. Sunderland

15. Birmingham

16. West Ham

17. Wolves

18. Blackburn

19. Blackpool

20. Wigan

It’s quite wishful, almost too much so, but fuck it – Wigan go down after finishing bottom, joined by Blackburn and Blackpool. The latter raises hopes of a weekend fixture to compliment a lovely seaside getaway – not another Tuesday night in February please…

Boro did just enough in the last match to stay on the radar, though the blips are ominously sporadic. Finishing strongly in the last six matches is imperative, not just for chasing a mathematical mirage – also setting a firm foundation for a project looking set to miss a critical deadline…

Extended notes on the Watford affair:

Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Miller, Killen

• The notorious virus that put Hurworth on lockdown earlier this week beats its path through the non-playing participants of the traveling Boro party: Gary Gill is out – Craig Hignett in – and to prove the infection reaches far across the periphery of the official traveling party Eric Paylor is rendered below fitness for the trip down w/ AV – Tallentire has his gear packed and ready beside the bed

• On loan winger Jay O’Shea on the bench after limited training w/ his temporary teammates

• CG fondly recalls playing days w/ Martin Taylor – bizarrely also on loan from Brummie FC like our Irish winger – despite the recent reputation as a vile oaf he’s a real gentle giant – Tiny to his friends apparently…

• Quick start from the hosts – Tom Cleverley goes for accuracy over pace w/ his free kick – save B Jones inside of the first 2 minutes

• Boro don’t get going until the 13^th minute – off a cleared Watford corner GON romps forward cavalierly and shoots wide of Scott Loach’s target

• If Malky Mackay doesn’t get a job soon after he’s sacked maybe he can shill throat lozenges? The BBC Radio Tees effects microphones catch his every screeching shout

• Watford break through on 18 minutes: a corner was only half-cleared and it falls to former Boro man John Eustace – he volleys sweetly from the edge of the area past Jonesey and into the goal – Watford 1-0 Boro

• Blame Mark Drury for that goal implores CG – he was calling the goal scorer John Useless pre-match

• That goal was a bad augur: Watford unbeaten in 13 matches this campaign when they’ve opened the scoring – 10W 3D

• Alternatively we have the most losses from a 1-0 scoreline in the league…most wins from a 2-0 result too…what’s it all mean?

• Last team to beat Gareth Southgate? It was these Hornets a mere 4 days before Gaz – born in Watford! – got the sack

• An uneven performance from the referee Roger East so far, and probably not surprising given his ostensible geographical bias – 3 yellow cards for our lot – and a failure to send off Henri Lansbury for a rash of inappropriate fouls and tackles

• HT Watford 1-0 Boro – total rubbish so far

• CG opines: same old story for the Boro – punished by one or two lapses of judgment; lack of fluidity amongst the lumbering strike force and a lack of the final ball…their keep hasn’t done much; bring on LL to wreak havoc on this awful pitch…his pace can trouble their defenders and punish them for any sort of transgression

• Mark Drury reports that Gordo is cutting an increasingly frustrating figure on the bench -lambastes Mick and Killen for silly bookings – and laments being too lenient w/ the opponents so far…they’re there for the taking, insomuch as it was them who feared getting trousered early and succumbing the way we used to

• 2^nd half resumes w/ Leroy lurking on the sideline – his introduction finally occurs in the 50^th minute, replacing Lee Miller…why not just do it at half-time?

• Especially if he sparks the attack like this! His diligence deep in the Watford half earns a corner – and then moments later links well w/ Barry Robson to produce a pop on goal…

• And then he only goes and levels the effing match! LL scraps w/ Lloyd Doyley to win a 50-50 ball and plays it wide to GON – he chips a cross back towards goal and Leroy nods it home – Watford 1-1 Boro – 55 minutes

• That Henri Lansbury is a dirty little fucker – a spate of ruthless fouls that go largely unpunished until he finally copped a yellow card

• Last away win for Boro remains the 4-1 mauling @ Doncaster in January

• Horrendous surface at Vicarage Road – balls bobbling and forcing extra touches that’s slowing down any momentum – but both sides have to deal with it equally…no longer should an inferior surface be attributed to a poor and unacceptable performance

• Tom Cleverley has easily been the best player on the pitch…and he just absolutely whacked the crossbar!

• ‘A constant whirl of conversation’ on the touchline between the gaffers and fourth official

• 15 minutes left and it’s the first real spot of bother for Brad Jones: instead of securing a benign cross into his area it’s palmed out to Cleverley – Jonesey’s positioning saves him as he’s perfectly restricting a clear sight on goal

• Heidar Helguson springs to life in the final 10 minutes: the flag stays down as he latches onto a ball from the ubiquitous Cleverley and goes close; moments later David Wheater produces a superb block before the Icelandic striker can fire off a round

• Now a lack of shorts plagues us – apparently the fans saw a bit too much of Jonathan Franks as he came on for Julio Arca earlier…not only is he to occupy his place on the pitch, but his shorts too in a kit cock-up redolent of the trip to Peterborough
• Attendance: 14038 – well done to the 1132 away supporters who made the trek

• CG MOM: Mick

• FT Watford 1-1 Boro

A fair result overall…we defended well and really improved attack-wise after the break…Leroy Lita was really bright, maintaining a firm disposition full of endeavour and drive…hopefully the petulant transgressions of the recent past are history

Crystal Palace come Saturday to The Riverside…different agendas for sure, but desperate all the same…

It was innocuous enough – our Arsenal supporting mate was keen to wring a prediction for the Tangerines visit. We rarely commit to a score, largely due to their disastrous repercussions, but had this to say:

• replication of the form from the weekend will do nicely…
• should be the same side, though I reckon Johnno’s class has to be included if he’s ready to play + GON and Rhys Williams picked up minor knocks v QPR…
• gotta get the home form sorted – Blackpool play some nice passing football, but they’re atrocious away from Bloomfield Road and I fully expect them to ultimately park the bus…

Partial credit on the last bit. Ian Holloway had his team play some of that nice passing football – and Boro weren’t terribly interested in stopping the surges. Two goals in a five minute span from Gary Taylor-Fletcher gifted an insurmountable lead and those in attendance unleashed hell on the product served up to them. Holloway also conceded that he actually banked on the Riverside crowd spooking their side, allowing his charges to command the contest.

What is the solution? That’s the big ask. Gordon Strachan has been refreshingly frank – we don’t need more propaganda, we are patient, and the derision is fully warranted.

Fucking Newcastle keep winning – their perpetual off-season turmoil may have actually helped galvanise the squad. The personnel embargo limited the movement of potential assets like Kevin Nolan, Steve Harper, Jonas Gutierrez, and Andy Carroll. Throw in the extra grit of Alan Smith, Joey Barton, Danny Guthrie, the wise permanent appointment of caretaker Chris Hughton, and it’s not exactly shocking that the Toon have organised effectively and made short work of their new league thus far. The Geordies have been largely injury-free – it needs to stay that way if they wish to continue their rapid ascent back to the top flight.

Peterborough are convinced Mark Cooper is their man to mount next seasons Championship promotion push. The managing prodigy leaves his post at Conference side Kettering Town to fill the vacancy caused by the divorce between silver-spooned Darren Ferguson and Darragh MacAnthony’s plaything, who for a rich bloke has a shit Wikipedia page… The real estate magnate’s puppets are convinced SAF junior has another gig lined up, in no way influenced by his familial connections, possibly to change the bigarade hue that has ensconced greater Hull for the past 3 years.

Paolo Sousa is devilishly handsome. And he backed Boro for promotion after receiving a 3-0 thrashing from the Teessiders in round 2. We naturally love him, if only because he adequately fills the Mourinho-shaped void in English football. The Jacks own the stingiest defence in the division, and are now unbeaten in 10 straight, elevating to 9^th in the table.

And hasn’t Ian Holloway heard that junk shop clothes will get you nowhere? He was convicted by the Blackpool kangaroo court for either not being punctual, or misplacing his kit, or both? He trudged off to the charity shop for a £12.99 suit to wear for the 4-1 thrashing of schizophrenic Scunthorpe. Speaking of misplacing, seems Robbie Savage has some explaining to do…why show up for an international flight w/ the passport of your missus? Is it a devious murder for hire subplot on the lurid level of Nip/Tuck, or just an honest cock-up expected of a gypsy oaf? He won’t get back on the        flight deck w/ that behaviour…

The league is on hiatus until next Friday – Swansea v Derby to kick off round 17 – we’ll return next week to summarise Boro/Forest, and the rest of the notable and entertaining…

Nickname(s): The Pilgrims, The Greens, Argyle

Ground: Home Park

From Boro: 380 miles…long and tiring, irrespective of the transportation…Amsterdam is closer for fuck’s sake!!

Kit: the adidas influence is highly noticeable…nice though

Ignominy: Plymouth is the largest city in England to have never participated in top flight football – Hull City’s promotion in 2007-08, and subsequent consolidation, put paid to that…

Pilgrim Messiah: Paul Sturrock…he returned to Home Park 27 Nov 2007 for a return engagement after Ian Holloway defected to Leicester; his first spell from 2000 saw Argyle avoid Football League relegation, ultimately steering them to the Second Division before scuttling to Southampton