1. gives a tantalising taste of the upcoming league action, replete with unique commentary and obvious assertions
2. broadcasts our ineptitude at prognostications of any sporting kind
3. a cheap way to file 600 or so words and stay on the cusp of relevance

Saturday

12.15p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

Both dumped out of the Carling Cup at the first time of asking…more time to focus on the imminent lower-to-mid table scrap…Derby will summon the courage for another good early away result…Coventry 1-1 Derby

12.30p

Leeds United v Millwall – Elland Road

Surprisingly it’s Millwall who are the newly promoted side off to a rollicking start – a pair of tonkings meted out to the Bristol City and Hull, all without conceding a league goal…that changes after this affair…Leeds Utd 3-1 Millwall

3.00p

Bristol City v Barnsley – Ashton Gate

Both of these clubs were tipped for success early on, though Bristol may be erased by some now given the early upheaval…they fail to recall the cracking form achieved during Keith Millen’s spell at the end of last season…Barnsley will be difficult to predict all season…Bristol City 1-0 Barnsley

Burnley v Leicester – Turf Moor

Oh that devilish Paulo Sousa…Leicester deserved to beat Boro…don’t make us go hating your sexy ass…Burnley will be there all year long, as will the Foxes…Burnley 2-0 Leicester

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

That’s right, Craig Bellamy appears to have strong-armed Manchester City into sending him home for a season to tear up a league incapable of neutralising him and got them to pay a large percentage of his wages…not bad for a club who by all rights should have been severely punished, if not liquidated, for repeated financial transgressions…Cardiff 4-1 Doncaster

Crystal Palace v Ipswich – Selhurst Park

Palace finally emerge from the administration mire…Roy Keane meanwhile is still cross about something, this time the lack of action in the transfer market…that cash from the Jon Walters sale is just sitting there too…buy someone, do it for the supporters! Crystal Palace 1-1 Ipswich

Hull v Watford – KC Stadium

Hull are skint, yet they managed to just procure the services of former Arsenal prodigy Jay Simpson…Watford snagged their own young tyro…some chap called Josh Walker…hmmm…Hull 2-0 Watford

Norwich v Swansea – Carrow Road

No, new honourary club ambassador Stephen Fry will not be suiting up for Paul Lambert, though we’d reckon his size and pleasant demeanour would flummox the visitors…Norwich 1-0 Swansea

Preston v Portsmouth – Deepdale

Gregg Roughley cockteased us with a missive on the increasing pressure facing Ferg Jr…a loss here condemns the Lillywhites to a positively dreadful start…Portsmouth have managed okay early doors despite meagre resources…Preston 0-1 Portsmouth

QPR v Scunthorpe – Loftus Road

Rangers are absolutely flying under Neil Warnock, cup defeat to Port Vale aside…ole Neil reckons they’re far from the finished article, but he’s fooling no one…Scunthorpe adorably claw and struggle…QPR 2-1 Scunthorpe

Reading v Nottingham Forest – Madejski Stadium

Languid starts from a pair of forecasted playoff sides…the seat under Billy Davies gets progressively warmer and the urge to bolt increases…Reading will be just fine with their stable of starlets…Reading 2-0 Nottingham Forest

Sunday

13.15p

Middlesbroughv Sheffield United – Riverside Stadium

Expect the sheen of Gary Speed’s debut a gaffer to be counteracted by the performance of a former Blades player, Matt Kilgallon…the defender on-loan from Sunderland is expected to go straight into Gordo’s side for a bit of calm and professionalism in the left back berth…it starts with this match – Mission: Promotion…Boro 2-0 Sheffield United

It was a good ole Clashing on the live blog. A return to fitness by the enigmatic Mosso Cloudfiles stimulated a celebration of some of the best, relevant bite-size prose culled from the catalogues of the only band that matters. Ali Brownlee and Gary Gill provided support from a remote control – here’s what our smuggled-in-our-budgie-smugglers recording device captured:

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Pogatetz; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Aliadiere; Lita, Killen

• No Scott McDonald – residual pain from the previous groin niggle he tried playing through – Lita/Killen up front
• Congratulations Emanuel Pogatetz- recalled to Austrian national side…Boro will have 4 on international duty this week: Killen/Robson/Naughton join Pogi
• Mark Drury captivated by the ‘dead-eyest’ look of consternation from Mick Harford
• Kaspars Gorkss using a volleyball motion on the pitch – a sure hand ball that goes unpunished…the sheepish looks from the QPR bench confirms his complicity in the infraction
• QPR very organized in the midfield w/ a bank of five – sound in their positions, influencing the match – Leigertwood especially
• JA still not inspiring any confidence – continues to get chances…sweet eff all results…
• Until now! Fouled by Peter Ramage in the box – questionable maybe, but who cares? Barry Robson wrests the ball the LL and powers the pen down the middle…Boro 1-0 QPR!! 39 mins
• And again! Leroy is clotheslined by Kaspars Gorkss in the box deep into stoppage time – Robson again – YES!!!! Boro 2-0 QPR
• HT – Boro 2-0 QPR…from Mark Drury – Mick Harford hoping to have a quite word w/ referee Andy Woolmer…phrases like ‘look of thunder’ and ‘glowering’ certainly sound menacing…
• 2^nd half – QPR revert to a 4-4-2…Simpson and Antonio German join together up front
• Bright start to the half – Pogi joining the attack from the left flank and serving up a delightful ball that causes some bother in the Rangers box
• Gordo imploring JA to take on his marker(s) – classic French insouciance as a reply…
• ‘Barry Robson…stand still!’ is the sanitised version of the command barked from the gaffer
• Adel Taarabt joins the action and immediately tests Danny Coyne w/ a dipping, swerving effort from 25 yards – save
• Marcus Bent almost further validates the dynamic of former players scoring against the Boro by sticking the ball in the back of the net – fortunately he’s offside
• Carl Ikeme stands tall for his loan club – the Wolves keeper does well to repel both LL and GON late in the match to preserve the tame scoreline
• GG MOM – Stephen McManus – Mick and Wheats are forming quite the defensive pairing
• FT – Boro 2-0 QPR

We hold on, results go our way, and next week in Cardiff becomes absolutely massive…

Leroy Lita was rewarded for a recent spell of good performances with 2 goals – Gary O’Neil, Mark Yeates and Dave Kitson rounded off the scoring. Yeatsie was simply awesome filling in for Adam Johnson – unable to travel to London due to a serious family illness – with his indefatigability. Pilloried for being out of his depths at this level, this was a shift emblematic of his committed approach so desired and appreciated earlier this season. For Kitson, it’s 3 in 2 games, and understandably the club is focusing considerable effort on trying to extend the Stoke City strikers loan. Expect a Save Our Promotion Ginger Retention Scheme to take off any moment now.

The fiver of goals means extended notes from the match:

• QPR were wasteful early – dominated large spells, primarily w/ north London loanees Adel Taarabt (Spurs) and Jay Simpson (Arsenal)
• Fine first half for Yeates – rattled crossbar, earned the free kick leading to the first goal, and surged forward with regularity
• Lita and Kitson really building on what they enjoyed when at Reading – linked up to create good scoring chances – a redux of the Yak and Duke days when opposing managers were quick in the postgame pressers to admit our strikers were hard to handle?
• Second week running that we have an iron-clad pen waived off??!
• Good stuff from Radek Cerny – former Spurs man has worked hard to deny great scoring chances in the first half – Boro could easily have more than 1
• We get that penalty early in the second half – QPR handles it in a busy box – Lita emphatically dispatches it and promptly gets carded for stripping and taunting the QPR dugout
• 2 goal lead lasted mere moments – more capitulation?
• LL gets his brace – Yeates unlocked the striker for his second goal on 60 minutes
• Arca almost gets the 4^th – multiple bites of the apple for the Argey repelled by Cerny – another QPR hand ball infringement goes unnoticed
• Wayne Routledge blows a golden chance for a QPR lifeline – Jonesey commits his most egregious error of the match but gets away with it
• Lita searching for the hat trick – piledrives the woodwork and GON tucks away – 4-1 Boro
• Tough love shown to Didier Digard before replacing GON – GS2 reported extra firm to his Frenchman before the match too
• Yeatsie selfishly gets his for the 5^th as Boro bag the points!!
• Gary Gill MOM: Leroy Lita

Absolutely chuffed w/ the result – Blackpool on Tuesday – more later…