23 Sep 11

7.45p

Brighton v Leeds – Falmer

Two losses to top flight opposition in the Carling Cup between the two leads up to this Friday night feast – Brighton showed some real bravura in standing up to Liverpool, while Leeds meekly rolled over against visiting Manchester United – saving the bigger ordnance for the league Simon? Brighton 2-0 Dirty Leeds

24 Sep 11

3.00p

Birmingham v Barnsley – St. Andrew’s

The big result over Millwall seems like ages ago, and Chris Wood might not be around much longer to provide consistent firepower – the shit Blues form is permeating all competitions: a tonking from Southampton in the league, humiliation against Braga at home in the Europa League, and a predictable exit from the league cup courtesy of Manchester City – Barnsley, level on points and goal difference, are just trying to grind out results wherever they can – Brummie 1-1 Barnsley

Bristol City v Hull – Ashton Gate

Fuck the Premier League, Hull want to get promoted to Serie A circa the mid-seventies; 1-0, 0-1, 1-0, 5 scored, 6 conceded – it’s enough to sport a massive tent in your Diesel’s – Bristol City still have Nicky Maynard, so anything is possible we suppose – Bristol City 0-1 Hullona

Burnley v Southampton – Turf Moor

Eddie Howe is so desperate to change the current identity of his side he’s recalled a dude who has changed his: Andre Bikey is now Andre Amougou – apparently he needed another 25 years or so before deciding to take the full family name – he’s still a hard bastard who can hopefully help derail the surging Saints on their fast-track to the top – Burnley 1-2 Southampton

Coventry v Reading – Ricoh Arena

Seems normal service has resumed for the home side after a collectively anonymous performance at Portman Road last Monday – Reading pushed themselves further away from the murky bottom with a comprehensive drubbing of the ostensible whipping boys from Doncaster – Coventry 0-2 Reading

Derby v Millwall – Pride Park

A point is point and all, but sooner or later Millwall have to do something they have not done in the league for five weeks: find the back of the opposition’s fucking net – the large-scale remodel overseen by Nigel Clough in the off season looks to be a hit, especially after getting the best of their rivals at the other end of Brian Clough Way – Derby 3-1 Millwall

Doncaster v Crystal Palace – Keepmoat Stadium

Dougie Freedman heaped on the Boro praise after the league cup tie on Tuesday, and we’re giving it right back: if Palace can hold on to Sean Scannell, Jonathan Williams and Wilfried Zaha they will get promoted within 2-3 years – Doncaster 1-2 Palace

Middlesbrough v Ipswich – The Riverside

Injury to Ibrahima Sonko means Paul Jewell will have to field his seventh different centre back pairing – that excess moisture round Hurworth isn’t precipitation, it’s drool from Dreadlocked Dynamite and the Aussie livewire Scott McDonald – Boro 2-0 Town

Portsmouth v Blackpool – Fratton Park

The new owners down south seem lick nice blokes, in a menacing Putin-esque type way – they vow to improve everything at the club, from bogs all the way up to squad investment, spelling an end to the seemingly endless turmoil surrounding a once stable club – CSI: Pompey 1-1 ‘Pool

West Ham v Peterborough – Upton Park

This may cause a ruction in the filthy lovefest that is Big Sam hearts Big Ferg – it’s win/win really for the Hammers boss; go easy on Posh and Lil Ferg to demonstrate your compassion for the children of friends, or savage the fuck out of them to show you have the mind of an assassin and heart of a Republican – West Sam 3-2 Posh

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Gruesome injury suffered by deputy left back Chris Cohen last weekend – he’s out for up to 12 months, bringing more instability to a position that was never really stable in the first place – just ask Billy Davies – Watford 1-0 Trees

25 Sep 11

1.15p

Cardiff v Leicester – Cardiff City Stadium

Christ, these two should move in together – this is the eighth time they’ve battled since the 2009/10 campaign – the love runs so deep that they even went to penalties at midweek in the league cup – maybe some time apart after this one you crazy kids, okay? Cardiff 2-2 Leicester

It was a good ole Clashing on the live blog. A return to fitness by the enigmatic Mosso Cloudfiles stimulated a celebration of some of the best, relevant bite-size prose culled from the catalogues of the only band that matters. Ali Brownlee and Gary Gill provided support from a remote control – here’s what our smuggled-in-our-budgie-smugglers recording device captured:

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Pogatetz; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Aliadiere; Lita, Killen

• No Scott McDonald – residual pain from the previous groin niggle he tried playing through – Lita/Killen up front
• Congratulations Emanuel Pogatetz- recalled to Austrian national side…Boro will have 4 on international duty this week: Killen/Robson/Naughton join Pogi
• Mark Drury captivated by the ‘dead-eyest’ look of consternation from Mick Harford
• Kaspars Gorkss using a volleyball motion on the pitch – a sure hand ball that goes unpunished…the sheepish looks from the QPR bench confirms his complicity in the infraction
• QPR very organized in the midfield w/ a bank of five – sound in their positions, influencing the match – Leigertwood especially
• JA still not inspiring any confidence – continues to get chances…sweet eff all results…
• Until now! Fouled by Peter Ramage in the box – questionable maybe, but who cares? Barry Robson wrests the ball the LL and powers the pen down the middle…Boro 1-0 QPR!! 39 mins
• And again! Leroy is clotheslined by Kaspars Gorkss in the box deep into stoppage time – Robson again – YES!!!! Boro 2-0 QPR
• HT – Boro 2-0 QPR…from Mark Drury – Mick Harford hoping to have a quite word w/ referee Andy Woolmer…phrases like ‘look of thunder’ and ‘glowering’ certainly sound menacing…
• 2^nd half – QPR revert to a 4-4-2…Simpson and Antonio German join together up front
• Bright start to the half – Pogi joining the attack from the left flank and serving up a delightful ball that causes some bother in the Rangers box
• Gordo imploring JA to take on his marker(s) – classic French insouciance as a reply…
• ‘Barry Robson…stand still!’ is the sanitised version of the command barked from the gaffer
• Adel Taarabt joins the action and immediately tests Danny Coyne w/ a dipping, swerving effort from 25 yards – save
• Marcus Bent almost further validates the dynamic of former players scoring against the Boro by sticking the ball in the back of the net – fortunately he’s offside
• Carl Ikeme stands tall for his loan club – the Wolves keeper does well to repel both LL and GON late in the match to preserve the tame scoreline
• GG MOM – Stephen McManus – Mick and Wheats are forming quite the defensive pairing
• FT – Boro 2-0 QPR

We hold on, results go our way, and next week in Cardiff becomes absolutely massive…

The final mountain climb for Boro will be done sans Downing, Alves and Digard – the injury to Stewie puncturing immediate hope of his sale to finance a recrafting of a side designed to bounce right back up at the first go – a tenner says his rehabilitation will be fueled by dreams of escape, propelling a remarkable recovery in time for summer transfer activity, w/ us taking the brunt of the damaged goods label and getting less than his valuation from the last 12 months or so.

With the dire situation facing the club on the pitch, much focus has been diverted to dilemmas off it: GS wants to nick a Bulkhaul container and load it w/ his toxic assets – the rumoured exodus of senior team members – allegations of corporate collusion favouring relegation as a base for restructuring – it’s unending for an organisation w/ so many other pressing issues.

Knowing the deep back story, there really isn’t much left to dissect: fans have had it up to here w/ the former club captain – Gibbo remains high on the shit list too – we’ve shitted away our hopes and any control of destiny – 1 match, 90 plus minutes, and seemingly the same amount of things needed to align to avoid forced attrition – do you have the bollocks?

The opponents can lay claim to a better reason for their myriad disappointments…they are a complete shambles, from top to bottom, Ashley to accountancy, and everything between. What is our excuse? The club is largely devoid of any scandal – any infighting that exists seems to be tightly managed in-house. It’s this blissful ignorance that would be more endearing if it wasn’t the countenance of a club the community and a global support community relies heavily on. Prospects of relegation appear more appealing than another severely undulating Premier League campaign. However, based on the downward trajectory of the overall management scheme cries of Charlton, Southhampton, Norwich pervade, instead of a confident replication of Birmingham (or even Reading) blueprint.

Pontification has become pointless – supporters have been demanding attack and assertion. Nothing has changed.

We soldier on – nothing much has changed personnel wise, and our position remains perilous. Arguably Villa/Hull Monday is more important, for if Phil Brown can architect an away result they’d be near close to safety, or alternatively, we would be further away in the table. The Tigers bolt may be shot though after already improbable away results at Arsenal and Fucking Geordie Scum.

Tactics? Score more than we let in. And tell Gary O’Neil the match is Sunday, or that we’re playing Portsmouth, so he’ll stay away. The 4-4-2 employed last week was a shambles of previous iterations: see the formula designed for Hull, adopt it, and play like your fucking survival depends on it. Give us West Ham ’07 or Fulham ’08, not a resignation of requisite restructuring in the lower leagues.

Sell Downing to fund a January injection of talent and depth into the squad? Let Gary O’Neil fuck off back to Pompey? Why not give Marvin Emnes a full go?

This was a critical opportunity for points prior to a dodgy holiday fixture package of Everton and United…

These undulations are making me sick