17 Sep 11

12.30p

Millwall v West Ham – New Den

The beat down potential is massive: loads of tasty geezers and two bit thugs doing unspeakable deeds sure to sicken and shame the nation – but enough about the football match being contested – hopefully the supporters can behave somewhat properly to prevent a repeat of previous transgressions – Millwall 1-2 West Sam

1.00p

Nottingham Forest v Derby – City Ground

Another fierce parochial rumble, sans the extracurricular contretemps and fisticuffs – Forest need something that signifies progress under embattled Steve McClaren, while Derby are trying to keep their place in the upper reaches of the table – Trees 1-1 Derby

3.00p

Barnsley v Watford – Oakwell

Tremendous result for Sean Dyche’s side at the Madejski last round, imbuing a faint bit of hope for a club largely expected to hover round the bottom all season – the home side look to capitalise on a display that saw them be the latest side to flummox the promotion favourites at Leicester – Barnsley 1-1 Watford

Blackpool v Cardiff – Bloomfield Road

El Hadji Diouf could be spitting at a ref inside a Champo ground near you soon enough, if the barren rumour mill is anything to go by – the Blackpool board is dangling a decent carrot in front of the wayward forward after his release from Blackburn – well done to Cardiff for doing the business over Doncaster last week in honour of their fallen supporter – ‘Pool 2-2 Cardiff

Crystal Palace v Middlesbrough – Selhurst Park

Boro begin their temporary south London residency with the league tilt against formidable Palace (Carling Cup 3rd round tie between the two here on Tues) – expect various suits, stattos and scouts in the crowd to get an intimate look at new tyro Wilfried Zaha – Palace 0-1 Boro

Hull v Portsmouth – KC Stadium

Barring the Leeds result from last month, Hull have conceded but twice in the league – the parsimonious defence is imperative given the immediate lack of goal punch – the south coasters are a stingy lot too for the most part – don’t forget the cheap and cowardly too – Hull 1-0 Pompey

Leeds v Bristol City – Elland Road

Simon Grayson is absolutely Finnished after acquiring Mikael Forsell and Mika Vayrynen – word has it an enquiry for Teemu Pukki was made too, but he was snatched up by FC Schalke 04 after a dazzling brace while still playing for HJK in the Europa League – entry into the Veikkausliiga isn’t entirely out of the question – Dirty Leeds 2-0 Bristol City

Leicester v Brighton – King Power Stadium

Flaccid, limp, impotent; these aren’t words you generally associate with Sven Goran Eriksson – okay, well maybe in a footballing context you do – Leicester need a big result against the league leaders to keep them, and automatic promotion hopes, in sight – Leicester 1-2 Brighton

Peterborough v Burnley – London Road

Posh had their recent goal parade postponed last week against Hull – based on the positively shit performance from the Clarets last weekend against Boro it’s quite plausible Lil Ferg’s lads are ready to resume their assault on the goals scored column – Posh 2-0 Burnley

Reading v Doncaster – Madejski Stadium

Fucking hell – these two sides have collected a paltry 5 points from 36 – the Doncaster struggles were to be expected – Reading has no business being at this end of the table, meaning the new signings need to congeal, soonish preferably – Reading 3-0 Donny

18 Sep 11

3.00p

Southampton v Birmingham – St. Mary’s

Full marks to Paul Fletcher for the extraneous titling of his recent blog, we totally get it – Saints are absolutely flying under the former Bangor City gaffer as they charge back to where they think they belong – the Brummies were drubbed at home by Braga in the Europa League on Thursday, choosing a convicted woman beater over a recent hat trick hero – priorities, eh? Southampton 4-1 Brummy Blue

19 Sep 11

7.45p

Ipswich v Coventry

Get a jammy draw before the international break, make a stand at the end of the transfer window to retain the services of your most valuable asset, and stuff the early season Derby surge with a surprise result; it’s all suddenly possible now for Andy Thorn and company – things aren’t so magnanimous for his opposite number at the moment as Paul Jewell is freely admitting he doesn’t have a fucking clue – Town 1-1 Sky (High) Blues

Fifty points is generally the target for survival in this division, though some posit that the woeful form of Preston and Sheffield United actually lowers that number this time round – a number as low as 45 may do the trick. However close that target appears now, Boro still need results to cement their escape from once-calamitous circumstances. Here’s our casual analysis of the final 10 league matches – a forecast of where we get the points, and a genera estimation of where it leaves us after the final whistle on 07 May 11…

Boro v Watford

Reverse fixture: Watford 3-0 Boro

League position:8th

Form: 6th

This lot have beat us in three straight. We even lost to them during their brief Prem appearance in 2006-07 when they still had Ashley Young for fuck’s sake! Clearly a recent bogey club – a draw would be a positive step

Boro v Leicester

Reverse fixture: Leicester 0-0 Boro

League position: 10th

Form: 13th

Sven and his band of big-wage mercenaries, augmented with a bit of the bargain hitman Andy King, have rescued the fortunes imperiled by the flaccid start under Paulo Sousa – something tells us Boro will experience an international break hangover on the way to a loss

Sheff Utd v Boro

Reverse fixture Boro 1-0 Sheff Utd

League position: 23rd

Form: 23th

From @mcwd last Saturday: Micky adams is practically resigning on bbc Sheffield now . Who could really blame him for a public suicide? One win since taking charge, leading his beloved Blades straight to the League One rendition of the Sheffield derby…if Megson keeps Wednesday up! We’ll draw, but it’ll feel much worse

Ipswich v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 1-3 Ipswich

League position: 16th

Form: 21st

Bomb investigators may refer to it as the point of impact or summat…our CSI-derived training and immersion fails us presently. What is most certainly was is the collection of moments where an entire support base realized they we’re being grifted by a domineering Glaswegian with an aversion to standard courtesy, backed by a blinded leader incapable of assuaging the masses. Tempted to go for a plucky win…it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve left someone’s ground with an unexpected full haul

Boro v Barnsley

Reverse fixture: Barnsley 2-0 Boro

League position: 15th

Form: 19th

Some qualify the earlier loss at Oakwell as late lapse that saw us miss out on precious points – at 1-0 down we were far superior and pushing for an equaliser when they hit us with a late haymaker…now that Adam Hammill is at Wolves a satisfying win should be easier to come by

Burnley v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 2-1 Burnley

League position: 7th

Form: 7th

It was Kink-tastic climaxes like the one at the Riverside which cemented the fate of Brian Laws – the Clarets were on an acute decline ever since Owen Coyle took that ‘lateral move’…Eddie Howe has come up from Bournemouth to craft a new brand of positive football…one that negatively results in a cruel loss

Hull v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 2-2 Hull

League position: 9th

Form: 9th

By the time this match happens Boro could be safe, unless Hull’s former resident fitness specialist Phil Brown cobbles together a hell of a run at Deepdale…they can’t play Scunthorpe 9 more times we won’t be, but the loss will feel less damaging

Boro v Coventry

Reverse fixture: Coventry 1-0 Boro

League position: 19th

Form: 22nd

Kick them while they’re down. Aidy Boothroyd is gone. Avenge the injustice suffered at the hands, and fists, of Marlon King at the Ricoh Arena…this will be a resounding win

Cardiff v Boro

Reverse fixture: Boro 1-0 Cardiff

League position: 4th

Form: 14th

With Hull, Watford, and Burnley bearing down we could get a first-hand account of another Cardiff late-season bottle job…how sweet would it taste to fuck up their plans for Wembley? An enterprising draw could help achieve that…

Boro v Doncaster

Reverse fixture: Doncaster 2-1 Boro

League position: 17th

Form: 15th

At this stage we’ll be on 53 points – provided the wild machinations listed above actually materialize…this could be a killshot…our flourishing season-ending win could confine Donny to League One

Yeah, we made it…56 points. Based on the last three final league tables that’s good for 14th or 15th…far from pre-season objectives. That final sensation you hear is the collective tearing of the final lot of betting slips, the ones that relied on daft suppositions. Like Kris Boyd scoring goals for fun. We were a deluded bunch, no?

• @higs8, deputising for an ill Gary Gill, on the snood: unless you’ve a medical condition you shouldn’t be wearing one

• Boro XI: Academy back five – GON and Bailey in the middle – Emnes right / Arca left – Lita and Mac upfront – only 6 make the subs bench…no Robbo or Thommo, or kids to fill out the cushy chairs

• Gary McSheffrey – epic in the 2006 FA Cup tie, ultimately won by Boro through JFH in the replay

• Coventry quick on the attack…dumping balls into the box and making quality runs to harry the defence

• Explore the flanks…’a little bit of joy’ so far down the left for Arca

• Lita: 250^th league appearance – 100^th Boro start for GON

• HT 0-0…missed penna apart, good finish to the half by Boro…points are there for the taking…we’re pressing their keeper more, closing the gaps between MF and attack and avoiding the silly, unnecessary fouls…

• Lita drives everyone to distraction…’get on with it!!’ stop remonstrating for fouls…an ‘unforgiveable miss’ – intelligent play from Julio Arca, giving the strikers everything they could want with terrific balls into the box

• Slapstick start to the 2^nd half – botched decisions from the female lino prompts semi-sexist rant from Higgy!

• 65 mins – Boro keep going to the flanks, where they’ve found freedom all afternoon…service from Arca, Bennett, McMahon has been brilliant…mind you, the strikers have done fuck all with it, but still…

• Doyle with a splendid chance to put Coventry ahead – a shocking miss in a 3 on 1 attack…both sides lacking composure in front of goal

• Bates concedes a definite penalty…of course Marlon King converts to get Coventry, ahem, out of jail…

• Woeful finishing has condemned us again

• 8 points from 42 if results hold

• ‘hit and hope’, without the hope…late on we’re flingling aimless balls somewhere in the vicinity of goal…where’s the direction and conviction of intent?

• Higgy MOM – Emnes

• FT Coventry 1-0 Boro…beyond worrying…we’re being cut adrift, staying off the foot of the table thanks to a late Cardiff equaliser v PNE

• penalty palaver: Robbo ill and out – Boyd was on the bench – Mac has a poor track record with the disgusting miss at Bloomfield Road back in February

• Mogga: disappointed dressing room – missed opportunities – effort deserved a result, players performed as well as they have in his short time here – will not judge a penalty taker, or admonish for a miss

Friday

7.45p

Doncaster v Leeds United – Keepmoat Stadium

James Coppinger was one of two hat-trick heroes from Tuesday…his treble helped sink Norwich and thrust Donny into the top 6…Leeds need to regroup quickly after the tonking administered at Oakwell…Doncaster 2-1 Leeds United

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Derby – Oakwell

This pair are travelling in different directions – Barnsley is on the ascendancy after a rough start, while Derby rest near the foot of the table…if this lot were limp at Hull, imagine the shellacking they may get here…Barnsley 3-0 Derby

Bristol City v Coventry – Ashton Gate

The change in gaffer hasn’t had the desired stabilising effect for the hosts…another wretched display in the loss to Watford at the Gate…Coventry are still cogitating over bringing in Felonius Punk Marlon King…give him what he wants or he’ll bash ya, cos he’s a millionaire don’t you know? Bristol City 1-1 Coventry

Crystal Palace v Burnley – Selhurst Park

James Vaughan was the other goal machine from earlier this week with his three more nails in the Pompey coffin…just in on loan from Everton, the goal ace has revealed he’d be up for staying on permanently – don’t all players on loan say that to quickly engender themselves? Burnley may be content with a tepid 0-0 based on the lunacy of their last two matches…Crystal Palace 2-1 Burnley

Ipswich v Cardiff – Portman Road

Some speculation out there says Avram Grant will get to enjoy all the religious sabbatical he wants…Dave Jones has surfaced as the current flavour of edible undercrackers being considered by smut lords Sullivan and Gold…there’s a little more money to spend in the East End, and the imagined assembly line of totty available for sampling, if you’re into that sort of thing…Ipswich 1-1 Cardiff

Leicester v QPR – Walkers Stadium

With Cardiff demons freshly exorcised, Paulo Sousa can now look to halting a runaway QPR juggernaut…we want somebody – aside from Port Vale – to please fucking stuff them…Leicester 1-2 QPR

Middlesbrough v Reading – Riverside Stadium

Tarmo! Tarmo! Tarmo! The Estonian livewire singlehandedly eased the mounting pressure on Gordon Strachan and produced an emotion nearly extinct on Teesside: football-based pleasure…another good result against Reading will go a long way to healing the wounds and re-launching a dead-serious promotion push…Boro 1-2 Reading

Millwall v Watford – New Den

We thought the Lions match v Reading was called off or postponed due to endemic hooliganism after spying the 0-0 result…it was Reading keeper Adam Federici going all gymnastic in repelling Steve Morison several times…Scott Loach looks to replicate those heroics…Millwall 4-1 Watford

Preston v Norwich – Deepdale

Nonsense…rubbish…a disgrace…probably a few other choice adjectives were launched as Little Ferg accepted his fine and 3-match touchline ban for naughty language post-Burnley…Paul Lambert hopes his side can profit after getting done by Donny…Preston 1-2 Norwich

Sheffield United v Portsmouth – Bramall Lane

So much for the Gary Speed revival…sugarcoat it all you want, but when the home side ships four goals and scores eff all, that’s a proper banjaxing…fortunately Portsmouth are a panacea for those type of ills…it’s the overused understatement of the century, but Steve Cotterill has got a job on his hands if they’re to stay up…Sheffield Utd 1-0 Portsmouth

Swansea v Scunthorpe – Liberty Stadium

There’s only one Ian Baraclough, there’s only one Ian Baraclough…Scunny ran riot at the Lane, while Darren Pratley and itinerant former Chelsea next-big-thing Scott Sinclair netted for the Swans to keep Coventry at bay…Swansea 3-2 Scunthorpe

5.20p

Hull v The Trees – KC Stadium

Signs of life from the denizens near the Trent, snatching vital away points against woeful Preston…Jimmy Bullard, the formerly quite useful midfield dynamo, took a bow in the destruction of Derby…whether he’s actually part of Nigel Pearson’s plans, or the club is just putting him in the shop window prematurely remains to be seen…Hull 0-0 The Trees

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Middlesbrough – Oakwell

If the Tykes want a cup tie they’re going to get one says Gordon Strachan…Boro continue to tinker with their formations in search of some shape and attacking stability…midfield help is en route from Germany in the form of Hamburg’s itinerant Senegal international Mickael Tavares…Barnsley have yet to live up to early season promise as a playoff contender…Barnsley 1-2 Boro

Derby v QPR – Pride Park

Adel Taarabt is the second coming of Cristiano Ronaldo…Neil Warnock is taking Rangers back to the promised land…they play the most expansive football in the division…blah blah blah…wake us when they’re sweating on the outskirts of the top 6 come March…Derby 2-0 QPR

Doncaster v Hull – Keepmoat Stadium

The home side will take their hammerings, as they did last week in Wales…it proves as no deterrent for the slick brand of football Rovers like to espouse…Nigel Pearson undoubtedly has the resources and nous to stabilize leaky Hull…they strike us as a bit of a wildcard – you don’t quite know what to expect, especially away from home…Doncater 2-1 Hull

Ipswich v Bristol City – Portman Road

Roy certainly is rolling: a bright start to the campaign, currently in fifth position, superfluous Jon pair of Stead and Walters flogged off for needed dosh…a towering dread-locked striker procured from Wigan…things are progressing well for Town…Bristol City are still trying to find their feet after the Coppell disaster as they leak goals at an alarming rate…Ipswich 1-0 Bristol City

Millwall v Coventry – The Den

We reckon Marlon King may not be in the crowd for this one…surely a good kicking awaits if he’s daft enough…the Sky Blues are set for one too as Millwall continue to acclimatize to their new surroundings nicely…Millwall 3-1 Coventry

Nottingham Forest v Norwich – City Ground

Tough sledding for Forest so far…is Billy Davies furtively packing up his things little by little, or will he just sod it all and hope Forest ship his possessions out via courier to his forwarding address on file in human resources? Norwich are off to a flyer like their promoted bretheren…Nottingham Forest 0-0 Norwich

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Dave Jones has zero sympathy for Pompey…maybe your heart goes into the deep freeze when your club is continually skint, you can’t afford remedial repairs to the pitch, and you’ve personally endured allegations of being dangerous to children? Portsmouth 1-1 Cardiff

Scunthorpe v Crystal Palace – Glanford Park

The Iron will survive if they maintain knocking off the bigger clubs who can’t match their austere and prudent approach to running a football club…Crystal Palace is another prime, attainable target…and Glanford Park can be a fun fortress…Scunthorpe 2-0 Crystal Palace

Sheffield United v Preston – Bramall Lane

Ferg Jr got a much needed result last week v Portsmouth…he’ll lead the Lillywhites into Bramall Lane hoping to extend the Blades early misery, and make the curve for new gaffer Gary Speed noticeably sharper…based on their display at the Riverside – and both teams were culpable – he’s got a job to do…Sheffield United 1-1 Preston

Swansea v Burnley – Liberty Stadium

The Clarets have hit the ground running – as expected in most footballing circles…Swansea’s transition under Brendan Rodgers shouldn’t be a transition at all really since the club was steadfast in appointing a new manager keen on proliferating their patented possession approach…some remain underwhelmed by the Carnlough Mourinho…scalping the visitors could go some way to altering that mindset…Swansea 2-1 Burnley

Watford v Leeds United – Vicarage Road

A top ten tussle in Hertfordshire, though for how long remains to be seen…Malky Mackay has his young tribe overachieving early…Simon Grayson just got attacking reinforcement in the shape of Scotland international striker Ross McCormack…we like the newcomers to nick a jammy win…Watford 0-1 Leeds United

5.20p

Leicester v Reading – The Walkers Stadium

Mouthwatering…sumptuous…eye-catching…adjectives not quite appropriate for these two given their pedigree and level of expectation…still, they’re our tips for fouth and third respectively…if it came down to barnets and overall looks amongst the gaffers the Foxes win every damn time…Leicester 2-1 Reading

Nickname(s): The Hornets, Yellow Army, The Horns

Ground: Vicarage Road

From Boro: not quite London calling as Watford sits in the north-eastern reaches of Hertfordshire – 4 hours by car

Kit: some evolution! The 2006-07 kit was streets ahead of that thing

It’s Not A Moose: the large game emblazoned on the crest is actually a hart, as in male deer, and as in Hertfordshire…Watford were the only profession club in the county until Barnet was conceived

Famous Wasps: Luther Blissett was the first Watford player ever capped by England; Kenny Jackett had a playing career shortened by injury, then turned manager (1996-1997); Ashley Young, Marlon King, David James, Ben Foster…none can outshine John Barnes though, who electrified for a 6 year spell from his debut in 1981 right up to the Liverpool departure of 1987

‘I don’t think we deserve him and the players don’t deserve him as a teammate’ went a poster on the BBC, further isolating the Turkish spotlight. For whatever reason, he was the only player in red thinking invention and incision…massive deficiences were amplified on the right w/ Jeremie Aliadiere and in midfield w/ the suddenly immobile,  and equally hopeless, Julio Arca. Matthew Bates was sent off for emulating Him, and we were suddenly in the shit…already down 1 thanks to another hideously soft goal Boro would have to find their balls – and they did.

David Wheater took up residence as a third center forward w/ Marlon King and AA and the home side was re-animated, scrambling deliciously for a late stoppage time equaliser. There was even the improbable gilt edged opportunity to blag all 3 points…but the future Benfica man ballsed it up, like only he can.

It’s all to do in The Potteries on Saturday – loss surely means relegation, for Stoke can climb to 32 points, opening a potential 5 point gulf w/ 8 to play. We can’t possibly rely on unexpected points between now and the end of the season if we’re patently unable to garner the one’s expected of us.

Candid afternoon reaction and discussion:

Gunner 71: subject – so he can attack? http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/feb/12/marlon-king-football-assault-charge

Sightsee MFC: I was waiting all day for that…

Gunner 71: u got it 4 seconds after i read it…

Sightsee MFC: but seriously, realising there is a timeframe for these things to manifest, how do we not query the player/agent about any possible transgressions that could resurface?

makes us look like fucking idiots – granted, Mido is lazy/injury prone/disruptive, but if he’s bashing birds at the disco no one knows about it

Gunner 71: funny…i thought the same thing…this must have been known….

Bruce has been successful in his transition to management – guiding Birmingham City to promotion and now steering Wigan towards a record finish. Phil Brown appears as if he can motivate one through a brick wall. His tough love approach w/ the Premier League novices has garnered attention – remember the public dressing down on the City of Manchester Stadium pitch. If these motivators of men couldn’t harness the Jamaican’s natural goal scoring abilities, who on the Boro payroll could?