The bonus we failed to initially see amidst the miasma: we’re tastily unencumbered for the spectacle…booze can flow as freely as she pleases…and this will be an unfiltered platform completely unfit for the fastidious confines of hippie journalism.

For context, the draft consists of: the country you support, relationship to it, why you’re fit, and how will your squad do…

United States

Citizen

2006 was my Year Zero. The WC just ended and the thirst for sport, culture and fraternity unlike any other coarsed through me, leading to an unlikely alignment w/ Middlesbrough FC.

The joy derived in the last four years has been exhilarating – countless hours spent banging and clicking away to minute-by-minutes and clockwatches covering everything from European championships/African Cup of Nations/Champions League/Uefa-Europa League/top Prem tussles and relegation rumbles. And that’s just a fraction of what’s consumed daily. I’ve regained the journalistic spark that was thought to have burned out long ago.

Allow me to provide desert-tinged colour, to augment the fans’ network, to assist The Guardian in proffering the best, most diverse coverage of world’s premier sporting event.

What constitutes success for the US this time around? There certainly aren’t the inflated expectations that may have hindered performances in Germany.

Qualification appeared easy and to the preferred script, but the top spot out of CONCACAF was secured in jammy fashion. It took a late goal from left back Jonathan Bornstein to cap off a fierce rally in Washington D.C., earning a 2-2 draw with Costa Rica that – coupled with a surprising Mexico draw in Port of Spain against Trinidad & Tobago – saw the Yanks top the group. Incidentally, the Bornstein goal also allowed Honduras to qualify when allied with their positive result versus El Salvador. Expect many baby Jonathans’ spreading from San Pedro Sula to Tegucigalpa come July – his name was chanted in an around Estadio Olimpico Metropolitano.

Bob Bradley has a good spine to build on: Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore up front, Landon Donovan supporting, Michael Bradley paces the midfield, with Tim Howard in goal. Fairly settled at the back too – Oguchi Onyewu should be fit, with Steve Cherundolo, Carlos Bocanegra, Jay DeMerit, and Jonathan Spector lending loads of experience. Ricardo Clark, Jose Francisco Torres, Maurice Edu, and Bolton midfielder Stuart Holden, if his health is rude, are the balance of midfield candidates.

England should walk the group, leaving a tense tangle between three fairly even sides, irrespective of FIFA rankings, coefficients, and cold buffet consumption. How we stand up in the opening match may not matter, as long as we do the business against the Slovenians and Algerians. With the top contributions of Howard, Dempsey, Donovan – albeit briefly – and others in Europe’s top flight leagues, a solid finish in South Africa will placate the minds and perhaps even start a movement to abolish ‘soccer’, and adopt, gulp, real football.

FIFA missed a gilt-edged opportunity to enliven the draw and make it more a media sensation: instead of drawing from pots, the orbs could have been strategically placed about the undraped and vulnerable form of hostess Charlize Theron a la naked sushi fetes in swanky locales like South Beach. What better way to further illustrate the natural splendor of the host republic? Also, it would have done the job to cleanse our palette that is still fouled by the imagery of this…

Group A: South Africa/Mexico/Uruguay/France – the insipid performance of the French at Euro 2008, coupled w/ the difficulty in actually qualifying for the event, may herald the official demise of the golden generation, but until otherwise France remains in that group w/ Germany, Italy, Brazil, and Argentina that, no matter what their form or world ranking, should be wagered against at your own peril – France/Mexico advance

Group B: Argentina/Nigeria/South Korea/Greece – Maradona has ample opportunity to balls this up; hard to see how he can select a hard 23 man squad for up to a month when he called up over 70 during qualifying…did we mention Diego didn’t take over until after the campaign had started? Argentina/Greece advance

Group C: England/United States/Algeria/Slovenia – the jingoistic English press was jubilant at the draw – Wazza couldn’t be bothered – did he have his chips before bed at least? Brown sauce?? England will walk this group, and the US might have their aspirations of advancement quashed quicker than in 2006 – England/Slovenia advance

Group D: Germany/Australia/Ghana/Serbia – eff Group G being anointed the dreaded Group of Death; this is the tastiest on offer – can Oz duplicate their courageous efforts from last time round? Ghana have the class and skill to carry the continental torch – do they have the bottle? Serbia is being woefully underrated early doors too – and Germany – see France above – Germany/Ghana advance

Group E: Holland/Japan/Cameroon/Denmark – there is absolutely nothing to make us think this won’t be the most entertaining group, dreary Danes aside – Paul Le Guen has Lions Imdomptables organised after a shaky start to qualifying – Japan play w/ kamikaze abandon – Holland are imperious, and they have the shekshi-est kits in world football – Denmark are the steel of the group – Holland/Denmark advance

Group F: Italy/Paraguay/New Zealand/Slovakia – tame and imbalanced upon initial views – Italy are Italy, and defending champions – Paraguay finished 3^rd in CONMEBOL, but tied w/ Chile for most victories – NZ might be better off sending the All Blacks – no love for Slovakia, even though they topped their Euro group…which included San Marino and Northern Ireland – Italy/Paraguay advance

Group G: Brazil/DPR Korea/Ivory Coast/Portugal – enough already about the top 3 (and one cheating diving cunt – NOT Drogba!)of the group – did you know that the DPR Korea national side nickname is Chollima? the mythical horse of Siberian/Central Asia origins is said to be too swift to be mounted – Brazil/Portugal advance

Group H: Spain/Honduras/Chile/Switzerland – some fine cuisine going on there: 3 variations of the empanada!! fondue looks absolutely pedestrian against that  – look closer though and realise that Spain are arguably the best team in the world at the moment, Chile astounded in their qualifying, and Honduras overcame political and civil unrest to unite and relegate Costa Rica to the play-off w/ Uruguay – Spain/Chile advance

We’ve the days off for mid-summer holiday confirmed – lagers early in the morning followed by midday slumbers. Our eye will be sharp as we welcome the diversion from potentially discussing and scheming another way out of the Championship