What better time then to measure the remnants, reel off the rejects, and fawn over who we think Gibbo should be cutting summer transfer checks to?

Strachan’s Spine

Barry Robson – a man by which all others should be measured

Scott McDonald – gratefully, for us anyway, cut loose from Aussie national team before World Cup 2010…he can get fit w/ us and do the business next season

Steve McManus – still on loan from Celtic, Mick cancelled his New York holiday w/ the missus to join boot camp…everyone knows we want him permanently

Faithful Men

Chris Killen - a valuable target man…leading the Kiwi line in SA

Willo Flood – Vic says he looks like a product of an Irn Bru and crisps diet…we say a buzzing badass who can badger and harass the opposition

Emanuel Pogatetz – not under contract, but Gordo loves his leadership…he’ll have to take a massive pay cut to stay though

Brad Jones – can he shake the laughingstock label? probably not – some folks will never come around, but he did turn in some commanding performances after the recall…

Danny Coyne - didn’t really do anything wrong…was solid virtually every time called upon…scapegoated for the Derby display…still a competent deputy

Get To Know Them Better

Tony McMahon - foot injury torpedoed his audition for the new gaffer…surely he’ll love Macca’s grit the same way most supporters do?

Matthew Bates – fragility will be his undoing…decent player, and versatile…sadly he’s flimsier than the slinky top Lindsay Lohan donned in her recent court appearance

Seb Hines – is it just us, or has he played pretty well whenever called upon in the last three-plus years? he’s a tad dainty though too…

Testicles Are Descending

Jonathan Franks – love his pace…really developing as an exciting, attacking winger

Luke Williams – tremendous potential…we’ve said it before: everyone is pulling for this kid

Rhys Williams – a stalwart by comparison, being the first choice right back for Oz and all…really tidy in our midfield

Andy Halliday – a coup of sorts – we beat off some serious Prem competition for the lad…here’s hoping the assembly line of Livi talent continues

We’d Love To, But…

David Wheater – the rampant interest in Craig Dawson leads many to speculate Wheats can be had…it’s evolving into another Cattermole situation; get the lad away from the pressures of playing for his local pro club? hopefully not…unless we could trouser £5-6m for him

Gary O’Neil - free from the escalator clause shackles – we say he’s really available…like  that friend of your missus in from out of town, looking for a great guy because she has a schedule and everything…and sex on a first date happens sometimes….

Leroy Lita – don’t forget your top…

Justin Hoyte – duped by Voyeur again!

Jonathan Grounds – young…English…young…that’s about it

Julio Arca – you had a great run in the north-east of England mate…now go on back to Velez Sarsfield or something

Andrew Taylor – he has non-football ventures…good for him

Didier Digard – we like him…he is a bit of a pussy though

Joe Bennett – despite all the promise and ability, his auditions in both the left back and left midfield berths were largely woeful…how many more chances has he got?

Josh Walker – comments after a decent performance against Peterborough at home were painfully succinct: he doubts he has a future here

Not Gordo’s Type

Jeremie Aliadiere – more fragile than the Greek economy, just what is it he excels at? falling over and dreadful decision making top our list…

Chris Riggott – committed professional, until asked to take a pay cut…one of the last links to Eindhoven…

Marvin Emnes – 12 years into our Pro Evo franchise – working on a 4th straight league title thank you very much – and he’s still banging them in for Sparta Rotterdam…his form on the upcoming Bundesliga Zwei themed soccer sim should be scintillating

The Riddle Wrapped In A Mystery Flaky Pastry Crust, Drenched In Enigma

Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid…Mido – rumour has it he’ll come back if no better offers are unearthed…we can’t see it…we can see McAllister and Pendrey park-benching him in training and Gordo raining blows on the husky malcontent…

Objects Of Affection

Craig Dawson – player of the season in League Two after helping Rochdale to their first promotion in aeons…initial offer of £750k knocked back

Garry Kenneth – Dundee Utd defensive midfielder that new boss Peter Houston is determined to hold on to…or at least force us to pay inflated fees

Craig Conway – the sexier of the Dundee Utd duo…25 year old winger who can add much needed depth and experience in MF…

Gary Hooper – Scunthorpe goal ace is still being tracked by several clubs…maybe just one more season of copious goals at this level though to be entirely certain he’s the real thing

Kevin Thomson – Rangers hard man – not very attack-minded: 4 goals in 151 league appearances…thank you Walter Smith for rejecting our recent overtures

Go On, Give ‘Em A Bell

Robert Koren - knows what it takes to get out of this league (and sadly how to get relegated straight back)…captain of Slovenia, classy midfielder…we’d have at least texted him already

Daniel Bogdanovic – Maltese goal falcon…14 goals for Barnsley this past season…ideal cover for Mac, don’t you think?

Liam Lawrence – a stretch for sure, especially after a bright display in the Ireland/Paraguay friendly earlier this week…thoughts of a Robbo/Lawro midfield already give us tingles in our trousers…probably won’t happen though….Mick McCarthy is slicking his hair and straightening his tie in advance to woo the lad…

Gaz has earned notable commendations from Arsene Wenger, and even Thierry Henry suggested the panacea for Barcelona to unlock Manchester Utd during the Champions League in 2008: play like Boro (after the sizzling 2-2 draw that offered the brightest glimpse of Alves’ talents). You’d think a principled and generally respected young manager would be recalcitrant to work under such tight constrictions…full credit to him for not exploiting it as an excuse for circumstances leading to the current position. For now, the rancor is a bit muted – winning will breed that. There’s still a chance to get it right, but when you say that it’s your job to manage the club through crisis you cannot alienate and become adversarial.

After the break, Boro get an immediate chance to right recent home wrongs: visits from Watford and Derby County in a 3 day spell. Just 7 out of 15 points collected so far at the Riverside this season – future consistency and success is going to be based on home form between now and May. How many teams out there rake over 70% of points available away points? And any machinations of Andy O’Brien and/or Nigel Reo-Coker will go unfulfilled – Bolton won’t loan their centre-half and Villa rubbished any reports of the pugilistic midfielder moving north east.

Mido shuffle

Mido’s off back to Cairo, presumably to start a parmo empire, but he’s gonna be expected to turn up for El Zamalek from time to time after they secured his services on loan…their chairman claims £4m compensation to us is what sealed the move, though speculation mounts about the units of currency we’re dealing with…Anthony Vickers reported it’s not sterling, but Egyptian pounds, which make that £4m more like £450,000…christ, isn’t there a distinguishing symbol for mummy money?

Leroy Lita talks heat up after Boro step in after a breakdown w/ Sheffield United…it’s a risk/reward proposition given the known off-the-pitch proclivities, but the lolly is right (free), and he actually fits the profile of having tangible Championship experience, albeit w/ varying degrees of success…

Another listen to this proved more uncomfortable than before…a self-imposed miasma may have obscured the jarring impact…full credit to GS though for remaining calm and diplomatic, and to the participants who provided the pejoratives

The Stuttgart/Tuncay link is still in play, though no official confirmation from player or club…and the Mido fiasco persists as Gareth reveals the ‘offer’ that was proffered was really just that, bereft of any formal exchange of legal tender

The team coach will next point towards Oldham after a hastily arranged replacement match was confirmed for 29 Jul…Darlo had to withdraw due to squad knack

Gareth Southgate continues to kiss-and-not-tell, w/ a mystery bid for mystery £ being accepted for Mido…he’s taking the Wenger philosophy of not broadcasting available funds to potential business partners a bit too seriously…just tell us he has finally effed off back to Egypt for a fraction of the £6m we donated to Spurs for his return of: 7 goals in 32 matches, myriad injuries, constant irascibility, and occasional public embarrassment

Some news names linked to Boro this week, w/ varying levels of credibility: Rob Hulse, who we already know about, and who can potentially do the job we need him to; Nigel Reo-Coker, out of favour @ Villa, but participating in their off-season currently in Spain at the 2009 Peace Cup; Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink – 178 goals in 406 total matches for club and country, can be had on a free; Leroy Lita, also unattached after his Reading release – we remember him as the cunt who scored the winner v Boro opening day 2006-07

Mido is back, but he isn’t; he was part of the trio with Tuncay and Afonso Alves to not make the trek north for the Dumbarton/Carlisle programme…the club states each have varying degrees of ailments, but it could be prevention of such they’re hoping to preserve, tacitly yearning for other clubs to come along and provide much needed £ to further revamp the squad…

Something about Ross Turnbull picking the ball out of the net 7 times in person was enough to convince Chelsea that the Bishop Auckland-born keeper is worthy of a spot in their European entourage – Welsh keeper Danny Coyne, in on a free from Tranmere Rovers, will take over his vacant locker, but will ask that it be thoroughly disinfected before moving in his gear

Philip Tallentire bloviates a pre-season preview, and his direct report Anthony Vickers is back from Portugal

1st friendly @ Macclesfield Town 18 Jul 09

Gaz delves into his summer transfer methodology – Yeates is now on the books, and the Flying Finn could soon follow…sounds high maintenance…Mido high maintenance – speaking of, his afroed mate that was to help navigate us out of denial is ready to naff off back home…

Stewart Downing has this tacked up on the wall in front of his rehabilitation machine, hopelessly forlorn that it may not be January til he can get his very own, long after other whores get to model it first

coming later this week, The English Motorway System, a generous and kind companion to the upcoming Championship campaign…

Candid afternoon reaction and discussion:

Gunner 71: subject – so he can attack? http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/feb/12/marlon-king-football-assault-charge

Sightsee MFC: I was waiting all day for that…

Gunner 71: u got it 4 seconds after i read it…

Sightsee MFC: but seriously, realising there is a timeframe for these things to manifest, how do we not query the player/agent about any possible transgressions that could resurface?

makes us look like fucking idiots – granted, Mido is lazy/injury prone/disruptive, but if he’s bashing birds at the disco no one knows about it

Gunner 71: funny…i thought the same thing…this must have been known….

The visit to Stamford Bridge was win-win actually…everyone expects us to get stomped – alternatively, get any sort of result and suddenly the spotlight of struggle and mediocrity finds another of the bottom dwellers. The formation and approach suggested Gareth would put 10 quid on a 0-0, if morally acceptable. Boro bet they could soak up pressure as opposed to putting their opposition under it. Marlon King got the expected debut – and the results were less than magical. The best service offered him was dummied at the top of the area…strangely microcosmal, surely…

We made it to half-time on even terms, largely due to the litany of revolting free kicks and corners from Frank Lampard. Chelsea players hit the turf and play halted – our attackers were felled in equal numbers, only to spur a fast counter down the other end. And like the old adage, Chelsea walked by once too often before finally getting a haircut – they opened the scoring via a set-piece. Salomon Kalou tidying up a messy ball in the area right past a hapless Ross Turnbull. He made up for earlier profligacy, while also continuing a run of scoring v Boro – 2 on the trot…he tallied during the 5-0 mauling in October. Kalou got another later on, right before a substitution that clearly happened too late…this time he was unmolested, Turnbull flapping wildly and coming up empty on another Lampard corner kick.

The decision to bring on Tuncay and Alves simultaneously could have been profitable had we not already been behind. Again, tactics and strategy…dodgy decisions? And why do we continue giving up goals off of set-pieces? Our gaffer was an English international defender…pretty effing good too, spot kicks aside. Let’s hope he conjures a plan B in the next 5 days – the rhetoric that our players are good enough to right the ship is slowing morphing into horseshit. But even if the cash is made available, do we have enough confidence our scouting network can identify the right talent? It’s been right shifty thus far. Let’s not even mention Marvin Emnes – management is under the impression he is available for cup duty only.