Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Middlesbrough – Oakwell

If the Tykes want a cup tie they’re going to get one says Gordon Strachan…Boro continue to tinker with their formations in search of some shape and attacking stability…midfield help is en route from Germany in the form of Hamburg’s itinerant Senegal international Mickael Tavares…Barnsley have yet to live up to early season promise as a playoff contender…Barnsley 1-2 Boro

Derby v QPR – Pride Park

Adel Taarabt is the second coming of Cristiano Ronaldo…Neil Warnock is taking Rangers back to the promised land…they play the most expansive football in the division…blah blah blah…wake us when they’re sweating on the outskirts of the top 6 come March…Derby 2-0 QPR

Doncaster v Hull – Keepmoat Stadium

The home side will take their hammerings, as they did last week in Wales…it proves as no deterrent for the slick brand of football Rovers like to espouse…Nigel Pearson undoubtedly has the resources and nous to stabilize leaky Hull…they strike us as a bit of a wildcard – you don’t quite know what to expect, especially away from home…Doncater 2-1 Hull

Ipswich v Bristol City – Portman Road

Roy certainly is rolling: a bright start to the campaign, currently in fifth position, superfluous Jon pair of Stead and Walters flogged off for needed dosh…a towering dread-locked striker procured from Wigan…things are progressing well for Town…Bristol City are still trying to find their feet after the Coppell disaster as they leak goals at an alarming rate…Ipswich 1-0 Bristol City

Millwall v Coventry – The Den

We reckon Marlon King may not be in the crowd for this one…surely a good kicking awaits if he’s daft enough…the Sky Blues are set for one too as Millwall continue to acclimatize to their new surroundings nicely…Millwall 3-1 Coventry

Nottingham Forest v Norwich – City Ground

Tough sledding for Forest so far…is Billy Davies furtively packing up his things little by little, or will he just sod it all and hope Forest ship his possessions out via courier to his forwarding address on file in human resources? Norwich are off to a flyer like their promoted bretheren…Nottingham Forest 0-0 Norwich

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Dave Jones has zero sympathy for Pompey…maybe your heart goes into the deep freeze when your club is continually skint, you can’t afford remedial repairs to the pitch, and you’ve personally endured allegations of being dangerous to children? Portsmouth 1-1 Cardiff

Scunthorpe v Crystal Palace – Glanford Park

The Iron will survive if they maintain knocking off the bigger clubs who can’t match their austere and prudent approach to running a football club…Crystal Palace is another prime, attainable target…and Glanford Park can be a fun fortress…Scunthorpe 2-0 Crystal Palace

Sheffield United v Preston – Bramall Lane

Ferg Jr got a much needed result last week v Portsmouth…he’ll lead the Lillywhites into Bramall Lane hoping to extend the Blades early misery, and make the curve for new gaffer Gary Speed noticeably sharper…based on their display at the Riverside – and both teams were culpable – he’s got a job to do…Sheffield United 1-1 Preston

Swansea v Burnley – Liberty Stadium

The Clarets have hit the ground running – as expected in most footballing circles…Swansea’s transition under Brendan Rodgers shouldn’t be a transition at all really since the club was steadfast in appointing a new manager keen on proliferating their patented possession approach…some remain underwhelmed by the Carnlough Mourinho…scalping the visitors could go some way to altering that mindset…Swansea 2-1 Burnley

Watford v Leeds United – Vicarage Road

A top ten tussle in Hertfordshire, though for how long remains to be seen…Malky Mackay has his young tribe overachieving early…Simon Grayson just got attacking reinforcement in the shape of Scotland international striker Ross McCormack…we like the newcomers to nick a jammy win…Watford 0-1 Leeds United

5.20p

Leicester v Reading – The Walkers Stadium

Mouthwatering…sumptuous…eye-catching…adjectives not quite appropriate for these two given their pedigree and level of expectation…still, they’re our tips for fouth and third respectively…if it came down to barnets and overall looks amongst the gaffers the Foxes win every damn time…Leicester 2-1 Reading

1. gives a tantalising taste of the upcoming league action, replete with unique commentary and obvious assertions
2. broadcasts our ineptitude at prognostications of any sporting kind
3. a cheap way to file 600 or so words and stay on the cusp of relevance

Saturday

12.15p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

Both dumped out of the Carling Cup at the first time of asking…more time to focus on the imminent lower-to-mid table scrap…Derby will summon the courage for another good early away result…Coventry 1-1 Derby

12.30p

Leeds United v Millwall – Elland Road

Surprisingly it’s Millwall who are the newly promoted side off to a rollicking start – a pair of tonkings meted out to the Bristol City and Hull, all without conceding a league goal…that changes after this affair…Leeds Utd 3-1 Millwall

3.00p

Bristol City v Barnsley – Ashton Gate

Both of these clubs were tipped for success early on, though Bristol may be erased by some now given the early upheaval…they fail to recall the cracking form achieved during Keith Millen’s spell at the end of last season…Barnsley will be difficult to predict all season…Bristol City 1-0 Barnsley

Burnley v Leicester – Turf Moor

Oh that devilish Paulo Sousa…Leicester deserved to beat Boro…don’t make us go hating your sexy ass…Burnley will be there all year long, as will the Foxes…Burnley 2-0 Leicester

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

That’s right, Craig Bellamy appears to have strong-armed Manchester City into sending him home for a season to tear up a league incapable of neutralising him and got them to pay a large percentage of his wages…not bad for a club who by all rights should have been severely punished, if not liquidated, for repeated financial transgressions…Cardiff 4-1 Doncaster

Crystal Palace v Ipswich – Selhurst Park

Palace finally emerge from the administration mire…Roy Keane meanwhile is still cross about something, this time the lack of action in the transfer market…that cash from the Jon Walters sale is just sitting there too…buy someone, do it for the supporters! Crystal Palace 1-1 Ipswich

Hull v Watford – KC Stadium

Hull are skint, yet they managed to just procure the services of former Arsenal prodigy Jay Simpson…Watford snagged their own young tyro…some chap called Josh Walker…hmmm…Hull 2-0 Watford

Norwich v Swansea – Carrow Road

No, new honourary club ambassador Stephen Fry will not be suiting up for Paul Lambert, though we’d reckon his size and pleasant demeanour would flummox the visitors…Norwich 1-0 Swansea

Preston v Portsmouth – Deepdale

Gregg Roughley cockteased us with a missive on the increasing pressure facing Ferg Jr…a loss here condemns the Lillywhites to a positively dreadful start…Portsmouth have managed okay early doors despite meagre resources…Preston 0-1 Portsmouth

QPR v Scunthorpe – Loftus Road

Rangers are absolutely flying under Neil Warnock, cup defeat to Port Vale aside…ole Neil reckons they’re far from the finished article, but he’s fooling no one…Scunthorpe adorably claw and struggle…QPR 2-1 Scunthorpe

Reading v Nottingham Forest – Madejski Stadium

Languid starts from a pair of forecasted playoff sides…the seat under Billy Davies gets progressively warmer and the urge to bolt increases…Reading will be just fine with their stable of starlets…Reading 2-0 Nottingham Forest

Sunday

13.15p

Middlesbroughv Sheffield United – Riverside Stadium

Expect the sheen of Gary Speed’s debut a gaffer to be counteracted by the performance of a former Blades player, Matt Kilgallon…the defender on-loan from Sunderland is expected to go straight into Gordo’s side for a bit of calm and professionalism in the left back berth…it starts with this match – Mission: Promotion…Boro 2-0 Sheffield United

Boro – ‘an ambitious football club’…it feels terrific saying and hearing that…a proper half-cocked look ahead to the new campaign should be available later this week

Millwall – a bit of an unknown – I reckon you get beat up pretty quickly if you stray too far from the New Den, but as for the footie, there’s Steve Morison and Neil Harris banging in goals, and the omnipotent on-field leadership of club captain Paul Robinson…Kenny Jackett has plenty of options in his arsenal…a comfortable mid-table finish wouldn’t be a gross overachievement considering…

Norwich – tremendous turnaround in the last 12 months: get thrashed 7-1 by Colchester, at home, upon their League One return, sack manager Bryan Gunn , hire Paul Lambert – the man responsible for the beatdown that prompted outrage across Norfolk – then go and win the fecking league and get promoted back to the Championship…Old Farm derbies versus Ipswich Town return…Wes Hoolahan is a natural talent on the attacking left, and Grant Holt absolutely murdered goals last season…Simeon Jackson was brought in from Gillingham to add depth, and maybe even some competition for club top scorer, wresting it from the captain number nine…

Nottingham Forest – Billy Davies nervously laughs off the perceived incompetence of his advisory board…he wants players, can’t get no money for them, then casually bends the ear of anyone willing to listen about the whole injustice of it all…a hearty favourite for first-to-get-the-sack if things go pear-shaped early at the City Ground…his accomplishments at this level are well-respected, it’s just he doesn’t tend to stay around very long…

Portsmouth – in a world of fucking hurt…their North American death trip was bad beyond belief, and their rumoured to be hit with a 20 point deduction – possibly even liquidation…those near and dear to the club are bracing for another precipitous drop…but hey, at least Kanu will still be around…

Preston - Alan Irvine was harshly dismissed during a sour patch, and boy wonder Darren Ferguson swooped in amid some controversy: tapping up his former players…some of their wags too if the virtually gossip was to be believed…Ferg Jr couldn’t spin any immediate magic, even with the rich loan resources afforded thanks to purple papa…up until now his time in charge has focused on spouting post-match nonsense and eliminating those ill suited for his style of play

QPR – old Neil Warnock took the challenge – expertly disguised as a satchel full of bundles of crisp notes – across town and went poaching his old Crystal Palace and Sheffield United players…Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Paddy Kenny, players he’s comfortable with…sounds like a transfer policy Boro fans are learning to embrace…and it’s fun listening to him talk…affable, controversial, frank…

Reading – prime contender for automatic promotion – a fantastic array of skilled and admired players including Gylfi Sigurosson, Jobi McAnuff, Shane Long, Jimmy Kebe, Adam Federici…the change in fortune from when Brian McDermott took over is a sweet confection Reading fans will not want to relinquish…they’re expected to hit the ground running and challenge all season for the title

Scunthorpe – is their magic act coming to a conclusion? Gary Hooper was finally flogged, and Paul Hayes went to Preston…Nigel Adkins will have to buckle the belt a tad tighter this term – staying up will be another small miracle in North Lincolnshire

Sheffield United - they certainly do embrace the style that typically embodies this league: gritty, robust, and brawny…ostensible skills: none really come to mind, other than kicking lumps out of the opposition and boring the pants off of spectators…Daniel Bogdanovic is in from Barnsley for goals, and the man Kevin Blackwell heralded as his January transfer target, Mark Yeates, remains in the fold…

Swansea – the dashing, jet-setting, champagne-drinking Iberian playboy that casually hits on all the wives and girlfriends has gone, off to pillage the birds of Leicester…from what we hear of new gaffer Brendan Rodgers the latent narcissism will still pervade – a Guardian poster recently quipped that the failed Reading boss would marry himself if it were legal…the slick and caressing passing game first introduced by ESPN heartthrob Roberto Martinez shall remain, it’s now the embraced ideology decrees chairman Huw Jenkins, with or without predatory full back Angel Rangel, target of future Championship opponents Blackpool…

Watford – the key for Malky Mackay is the loan market – if big four starlets like Tom Cleverley and Henri Lansbury, or any other of their contemporaries, continue their on-the-job training at Vicarage Road, then perhaps the Hornets can battle for a near-mid table finish…otherwise, the slog could be long and rough…ludicrous prediction: Gareth Southgate will manage this club before the end of the season…

This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

West Bromwich Albion – it’s their bi-yearly migration north…can they solve the riddle of consolidation? Roberto di Matteo goes from League One to the Prem in a meteoric two years…

Nottingham Forest – rode an amazing wave of form to control 3rd spot…tight, organised, fitter, and more up for it than most of the opposition…Billy Davies gets teams promoted…maintaining that status? not so much…

Cardiff City – overcame the usual late season bottle job, and
administration bother…bags of goals…they’d be entertaining if
promoted…

Leicester City – improbable cohesion – Nigel Pearson should be investigated for human cloning violations – a steely and determined side, crafted in the mould of the former Boro man
Blackpool – Ian Holloway has a little dance…the form side who slid into the playoffs – those types have a history of running the playoff gauntlet – Pool haven’t been in 1st division since ’71

Swansea – there’s your Welsh bottle job – top 6 stalwarts for most of the season were doomed by lack of goal punch – will Sousa stay?

Sheffield United – promising finish, though they rarely were serious
promotion contenders…welcome back Paddy Kenny!

Reading – major turnaround under Brian McDermott – strong cup run buoyed league form

Bristol City – seemingly couldn’t lose under Keith Millen – Nicky
Maynard bagged a quiet 20 goals, especially the cracker v Pool that nearly spoiled their party

Boro – more later

Doncaster Rovers – free flowing footie under Sean O’Driscoll was frequently pleasing to the eye…can’t complain over top half finish

Queens Park Rangers – survived the standard managerial merry-go-round – Warnock says they’ll have to be reckoned w/ next term as they mount a serious promotion push

Derby County – better from young Nigel – will continue to build and ideally push for a top 10 finish

Ispwich Town – disappointing…after Roy Keane got the job late last season they responded strongly…horrific start to campaign was insurmountable

Watford – decent football at times, though their stars were all loan players – Tom Cleverley was outstanding…

Preston North End – little Ferg has them more organised…can he work some of the old Posh promotion magic?

Barnsley – Mark Robins was a great appointment – never an easy game – he’ll get more time to change the culture

Coventry City – briefly flirted w/ playoffs for a spell, even after selling Leon Best

Scunthorpe United – tremendous achievement to stay up given their paucity of resources…will look to cash in on the popular goalhawk Gary Hooper

Crystal Palace – promotion attempts railroaded by administration…did just enough under Paul Hart to avoid possible extinction

Sheffield Wednesday – despair at final day relegation – American
investment and sound stewardship of Alan Irvine should see a quick return to the Championship

Plymouth Argyle – the affable Paul Mariner instilled a courageous
spirit after the sacking of Paul Sturrock…sadly they couldn’t ride
it out the basement

Peterborough United – out of their depth, and the resulting
instability – sacking Ferguson and Cooper – was too big a
specter…revived under Jim Gannon for a spell…now Gary Johnson is the man to architect a new push back up

This is from our tea-stained, yellowed-from-chain-fag-smoke handwritten notes:

• Digard not even on the bench – Emnes being marginalized too – the jewels of the 2008 summer transfer window are fading from view
• With so much of the offense channeled through Adam Johnson, how could we even envisage replacing him?
• Danny Butterfield was churned often by Johnno – why didn’t we exploit him more after he picked up a booking?
• Took some time for Isaiah Osbourne to get stuck in – much better in the 2^nd half, winning balls and exerting more attacking pressure
• That old whinger Warnock may be right when boasting of Julian Speroni as best keeper in the division
• Gary Gill says get the ball to the strikers earlier and minimize the gap between midfield and the final third
• 4 on 1 – Leroy Lita had Johnno, Hoyte and Bent caterwauling for the ball, and he goes for glory and pisses all over the best chance of the match
• More corner-related goal gifting: Palace pulsated into a counter attack, Hoyte couldn’t get a head to cross, ball falls for Ambrose…bang…down 1-0
• Square-peggism – Arca on for Hoyte, Rhys Williams to right back, Gary O’Neil moves central, Arca back to the right flank
• Jonathan Franks – on for Lita – spanks a great chance that was saved by Speroni
• Frenetic finish in the 4 minutes of stoppage time, but Boro in the end cannot crack the Crystal Palace conundrum

Forest next on the 21^st…

Nickname(s): Eagles, Palace

Ground: Selhurst Park

From Boro: down London way around 260 miles – 5 hours by motor and 3 by rail

Kit: awful – looks like a rejected Barca design gone horribly awry w/ the vertical stripes meandering off under the arms

Rivalry: Brighton and Hove Albion…not geographically suspect at all

You Don’t Know What You’re Doing!: Neil Warnock, the target of Sean Bean’s ire after Sheffield United failed to escape relegation on the final day of the 2006-07 campaign – here is the spine of his viral tirade inflicted on the gaffer’s wife and boy 20 minutes after the match: ‘It’s your fucking husband that got us relegated. He’s a fucking wanker’