Newcastle

League position: 12th – 41 pts

Form: 16th

Remaining fixtures: Birmingham, Chelsea (a), West Brom

There’s no way they call balls this up, is there? Nah…well…nah…they’ll beat the Brummies…probably

Aston Villa

League position: 13th – 41 pts

Form: 10th

Remaining fixtures: Wigan, Arsenal (a), Liverpool

How sweet would it be for Gary McAllister – Boro destructionist Ginger Cunt’s number two – to crash this American flagged carrier into the jagged rocks? Eh, maybe we shouldn’t admonish him for getting the fuck out while he could…but Villa are balls deep in it now, and unless they find a way past Wigan Stewart Downing is gonna get the cold shakes all over again…

Sunderland

League position: 14th – 41 pts

Form: 18th

Remaining fixtures: Bolton (a), Wolverhampton, West Ham (a)

You can damn near compile a Sunderland starting XI just from those currently infirmed…at some stage a club on an absolutely wretched run has to get a break, but where could it lay for the Mackems? They’ll scrape a couple of draws and struggle away from the blast zone…

Birmingham

League position: 15th – 39 pts

Form: 12th

Remaining fixtures: Newcastle (a), Fulham, Tottenham

Beating Arsenal in the league cup final and qualifying for Europe is good for English football…getting relegated after winning a domestic trophy isn’t so good…especially if you’re Arsene Wenger…turning over Fulham is the target from this perspective…do that and they can parade around the backwaters of Europe proudly

Blackburn

League position: 16th – 38 pts

Form: 15th

Remaining fixtures: West Ham (a), Man Utd, Wolverhampton

Blackburn will cock it up against Wolves on the final day and get relegated (there’s a 22% chance of that coming even remotely true)

Blackpool

League position: 17th – 35 pts

Form: 19th

Remaining fixtures: Tottenham (a), Bolton, Man Utd (a)

It’s been wildly entertaining; Ian Holloway has been a breath of fresh sound byte for the World’s Greatest League© and its constituents…at least the mandatory upgrades to Bloomfield Road will be paid off…can’t see them getting anything in London or Manchester…and that Bolton match could finish 5-5

Wigan

League position: 18th – 35 pts

Form: 11th

Remaining fixtures: Aston Villa (a), West Ham, Stoke (a)

Lose at Villa Park this weekend and Wigan are going back down, some 6 years overdue…Roberto Martinez will get the sack, all the disparate young whippets will be auctioned off, and the dust won’t settle until thudding into League One

Wolves

League position: 19th – 34 pts

Form: 17th

Remaining fixtures: West Brom, Sunderland (a), Blackburn

Here’s how it’s gonna happen: beat West Brom, then draw at the Stadium of Light, and save an almighty bollocking for chickenfuckers Blackburn…7 points in the last 9 to defy the detractors…flippin ‘eck indeed

West Ham

League position: 20th – 32 pts

Form: 20th

Remaining fixtures: Blackburn, Wigan (a), Sunderland

Get Bellevue on the phone right now: West Ham will run the table and finish 16th! Admittedly the premise is as one-dimensional and flaccid as Gold/Sullivan production Hostile Bendover, starring Carlton Pole and Sian Massive, the 76FFFF endowed head of referees – look at the final set of matches…it couldn’t have been conceived any more fortuitously, climbing over the decomposing corpses of Blackburn and Wigan, letting them live to Wank Another Day, coming this summer

The final table, as seen through perverted eyes…

12. Newcastle

13. Aston Villa

14. Sunderland

15. Birmingham

16. West Ham

17. Wolves

18. Blackburn

19. Blackpool

20. Wigan

It’s quite wishful, almost too much so, but fuck it – Wigan go down after finishing bottom, joined by Blackburn and Blackpool. The latter raises hopes of a weekend fixture to compliment a lovely seaside getaway – not another Tuesday night in February please…

The virtual atmosphere was so casual we actually considered toggling something else, instead of the alt-tabbing between the live blog, BBC, the Saturday clockwatch, and West Ham/Wigan en espanol. We saved it for long afterwards, fearing the dulling, desensitising effect it would have on our orgasmic joy.

Some Boro bullets in lieu of regular match notes – memo to minuscule regional internet radio operation: a large percentage of your listenership is down to Boro supporters outside the local catchment area – broadcast the fucking matches instead of your foul brand of benign Europop, even if it’s a dead rubber…

• So Gary O’Neil is alarmed by the gulf in class – nothing perceived about it – between Boro and the top two in the Championship, West Bromwich Albion and Newcastle. Failure to get points off either – in relegation and promotion battles alike – might be the perfect illustration. Two points. Out of twenty-four. Versus WBA: 0 wins – 0 draws – 4 losses / 11 goals conceded / 0 goals scored. And Newcastle: 0 wins – 2 draws – 2 losses / 7 goals conceded / 3 goals scored. What else is there to say Gary?

• Lamb on the run! Middlesbrough’s chief executive took to his imaginary throne in the BBC Radio Tees studio. Here his spin, in every convoluted sense of the word:

1. The it’s-never-too-early-to-get-promoted notion? Against it -
2. We’ll be the best resourced club next season – he backs off a bit later – one of the top-resourced clubs…ahem
3. So revisionist – he attempts to berate a caller illustrating how the region has soured under his recent stewardship. Cup runs, European finals, top half finishes, football under Bryan Robson, the big spending era currently dooming the club to financial prudence…yes, all his doing…and the town was happy
4. ‘Define the word sanction’ – used to describe his role in the Alves episode. This particular chap merely wanted to know the power structure for such a critically bad transaction – all he got was the bombast of a well-educated, strangely confident trapped rodent.

• Luke Williams will be a man. The Teesville tyro is getting his advanced footballing ‘birds and bees’ under Gordo and the rest of the senior team. Some good touches and the seeds of intelligent runs displayed in the first 45 mins of his starting first team bow. This kid might be bigger than the parmo, and virtually everyone is pulling for him.

• The highlight of the season? Fantastic supporters – anchored by this lot

• We know no off-season – reviews of pre-season prognostications, dissecting this season like the cheap biology lab frog it was, deep stretching for WC 2010 S Africa, and so much more of the decent effort tinged w/ haphazard finishing this space has become…

Additionally there’s the specter of wasting glorious opportunities to close ground on 6^th place. Cardiff are in anticipated freefall…Blackpool stuttered at The Hawthorns…Sheffield United and new entry Coventry drew at the weekend. At the risk of getting all revisionist, if Leroy Lita operates within the confines of normal football convention and plays to the whistle at Forest, and keeps his hand out of the flight path of an incoming ball, we’d be sat on 50 points w/ those Bluebirds and Tangerines. Bollocks to lessons learned. We have to be better. It’s that sort of brutal candour from the gaffer that will revive the culture and move this club on.

It was a multi-partner fete last match day. AV and the lads on the live blog to start…a sampling of the seductive duo of Alistair Brownlee and Gary Gill…then a final carnal pleasure: live streaming video scrambled from the Middle East. It was all quite tasteful and satisfying…

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Robson, O’Neil, Williams, Arca; Killen, McDonald

• Mac is back – received the full spa treatment at Hurworth: injections, massages, aromatherapy, nonsensical new age music, and an overload of vitamin A
• His resiliency is tested early on – 2 mins in he’s elbowed by Coloccini whilst chasing a ball in the Geordie box – shouts for a penalty are waved away
• Toon have only won once away from home since December – at Vicarage Road against Watford on 27 Feb 10
• Mark Drury on the first 15: we’re competitive – fancying our chances against a reshuffled back four
• Newcastle get the opener after doing eff all so far – Gutierrez slots a ball through our central defenders and Peter Lovenkrands gets on the end and coolly slots home from 12 yards – Boro 0-1 Newcastle – 16 mins
• Wheats caught flat-footed on the ball that led to the goal – would prove to be an ambivalent day for the lad
• Gordon Strachan imploring Chris Killen to do more than look big – our full-backs are doing the job getting the ball in – he has to do better to hold up play
• First real chance for Boro – from a free kick Barry Robson unleashes an absolute thunderbolt – Steve Harper elongates to deny the Scot
• This is the 116^th meeting in the Tyne-Tees derby – Toon still edging it w/ 45 wins to Boro’s 35…26 draws for those liberal arts majors out there
• What a fantastic goal! Barry Robson – a name fast becoming synonymous with Teesside quality – with a stunner that reduces Steve Harper to spectator – from 20 yards out he arrows it inside the goal into the side netting – Boro 1-1 Newcastle – 36 mins
• More on the goal which conjured ‘absolute ecstasy’: not much back lift on the strike, and as he cut in it was doubtful he’d have a pop – a superlative strike
• Gary Gill wonders aloud, ‘did Pancrate really play for Paris Saint-Germain?’ Ali replies tersely, ‘allegedly’…keep those boys off the ale!
• Andrew Taylor so far: rather effective…
• Attendance – 27347 – (3743 Jawdees)
• HT – Boro 1-1 Newcastle
• GG says: we’ve been unconvincing defensively – haven’t dealt well w/ mazy runs from Lovenkrands, as evidenced by their goal – overall we’re the better side to this point
• The Riverside has been a cauldron thus far – the unveiling of a brilliant Trophy Virgins banner from the Red Faction has increased the steam
• Julio Arca feels it – the man quite familiar w/ north east derbies – gallops onto a delicious ball from GON down the left channel – his shot is smothered by Harper and out for a corner – just needed the same kind of flick his fellow countryman uses every now and then
• 67 minutes – more audacity from Arca as he intercepts a poor clearance and bursts forward for a shot – over, but encouraging
• Scott McDonald’s fitness levels aren’t a concern at all – he’s everywhere…Killen improving too
• Account opened! From a Robson free kick on the right – Killen climbs and nods it back across the box – Mac is there to swivel and score from inside the 6 – a lovely finish under duress – Boro 2-1 Newcastle
• Wheats cancels out an onrushing Leon Best in the 79^th minute – a superb sliding challenge…the highlight of a lackluster display
• Lacklustre what? Andy Carroll displays the kind of form that has historically killed us…in the reserves – he grabs and guides a cross from Tamas Kadar w/ his left boot, past a forlorn Danny Coyne – Boro 2-2 Newcastle
• Carroll gets a chance to blag a winner – Stephen McManus present to stifle a decent scoring opportunity – 86 mins
• Killen and his substitute, Lee Miller, draw the ire of the referee w/ their imposing and physical play
• 4 mins added
• GG MOM – Scott McDonald
• FT Boro 2-2 Newcastle
• Post match brief: ‘a real, real shame’…’the best performance under Gordon Strachan’, asserts Mark Drury

Derby – County that is – away on Tuesday…will results continue to go our way? Can we take advantage?

The run up to the next installment of the Tyne-Tees derby evokes unconceivable pain. Newcastle is going straight back up to the Premier League, rendering all the pleasure and consolation derived from mutual relegation quite nugatory. Who went back up the quickest was always meant to trump any of the casual prodding doled out to the Geordies who thought they were too big to fail. Our prognostications – historically miles off as they are – had us finishing second and gaining automatic promotion. For what it’s worth, Cardiff won the league and Forest the playoffs in our pre-season predictor. That 33% success rate would place us ahead of the two most recent gaffers…maybe it isn’t so hopeless after all?

Our Arsenal supporting mate had all sorts of unsavoury things to say after we procured the services one Tuncay Sanli back in the summer of 2007. He instantly became a personal favourite after this ever-so-reliable scouting tool tantalysed us with unyielding class. The parochial miasma subsided enough since those halcyon days to make us at least tacitly agree w/ some of those nasty assertions – the Turk and his people are suing the club for lack of payment over perceived image rights totaling somewhere in the neighbourhood of £544,000…fucking Ricardo Fuller understudy!

The Willo Flood Appreciation Society is in tatters – the Irish terrier is set for a spell on the sidelines w/ a knee issue suffered at Cardiff. Fortunately Rhys Williams is back after a pelvic injury, so expect him to be thrust into the vacated position in the Boro midfield…

Gary O’Neil reckons we can still negotiate the warren separating us from the current playoff positions…a bit early for that Thursday rally war cry, eh?

Saturday heralded another despondent performance in an ever-diminishing string of must-win matches absolutely required to stay in this current playoff hunt. Defeat at Cardiff expanded the gap between Boro and 6^th place by 5 points – and the Bluebirds still have two games in hand. Some openly dream of more HMRC bother for the Welsh club that would tragically result in a points deduction. Others sit expectantly for their ‘annual playoff bottle job’. Whatever happens to Dave Jones and his players they will remain a constant reminder of our own failures and deficiencies.

For reasons unknown to us – and the players themselves per David Wheater in his post-match interview – Boro failed to turn on at the outset and seize upon their vulnerable hosts. Chairman and manager at loggerheads. Haven’t won in 3 matches. Missing SIX first team regulars. Without a financial pot to piss in. We were the quick tonic as Jay Bothroyd exploited a dazed defence to tap in the only goal 3 minutes from the opening whistle. The uphill slog was too great. The frenzied approach adopted in the second half proved entertaining and promising, but ultimately unfulfilling. All the hard work and endeavour punished by a disallowed goal – David Wheater’s leveler in the 60^th minute negated for an incredulous hand ball on Leroy Lita. The supposition from the linesman who commanded the call being LL knocked it on w/ his hand before Wheats rose to deposit in the net. No ebullient remonstrating after the match though from Gordo – his busy paw should have never been up to begin with…

We tapped into the state-of-the-art media installations at the new Cardiff City Stadium and followed the live blog w/ AV – aural fixation quenched w/ a vociferous dose of an Ali GG Snakebite. We took notes whilst thinking what Betsan Powys was up to:

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Arca; Aliadiere, Lita

• Nothing inspiring about the starting XI – no Mac or Killen – the size of Lee Miller wasted again on the bench
• Cardiff ease their tumult in early fashion – some woeful Boro defending allows Gabor Gyepes to nod on a lofted cross from Darcy Blake on the left – Jay Bothroyd is at the far post to tap in – Cardiff 1-0 Boro – 3 minutes
• Early haze fuelled by the opener – Boro produce nothing attacking for the first 17 minutes or so – ‘haven’t done enough’ says the expert summariser Gary Gill
• Andrew Taylor back in the side – his alert header in a recovery role on 35 minutes does just enough to stifle another home side attack punctuated by a lurking Chris Burke
• We have been total shit – paraphrasing of course…
• Leroy Lita is actually finding himself in interesting positions, but this sortie ends immediately upon conceding possession far too easily deep in the Bluebirds box
• Chris Killen made it back from the Rose Bowl! He joins the action on 40 minutes as Jeremie Aliadiere makes way…his injury should be historically viewed as irrelevant to the change as he too is complete cack
• Penalty karma still on the side of the Boro late on in the first half – Chris Burke terrorises again, brought down flagrantly by GON – a certain pen…of course he sees a yellow card for simulation…what anti-Teesside bias?
• HT – Cardiff 1-0 Boro
• Mark Drury’s report includes ‘anemic display’…’lacking vitality’…get those men some vitamin boost and/or some of those instant hard-on pills
• The JA injury – later revealed as a broken toe – was appropriated by none other than Stephen McManus
• GG – tell the players again that there is an awful lot at stake today…roll up your sleeves and have a go…show us it means something to you…a loss today signals the end of realistic playoff ambitions
• Last Boro win in Cardiff? 1970 – a 4-3 result…this is the first visit to the new Cardiff City Stadium
• Boro start the half brightly – Tayls provides a decent ball into the box for LL, but alas he only scores w/ the little head between his legs – this effort from 7 yards is criminally off target
• Our Iron Man Willo pulls up lame – some left knee knack for the Irishman – he eventually comes off to end  string of 10 straight matches playing the full 90 – Rhys Williams replaces him for his first action since Boxing Day – 52 minutes
• Boro get their leveler!! David Wheater heads home after a Barry Robson free kick…until the linesman spots an incredulous hand ball offense on LL and waves it off…ludicrous
• More from GG re: the disallowed goal – this ridiculous linesman spots a hand ball from 35 yards away, in a crowd of players? The referee has to be in a better position
• Yellow card madness ensued – Robbo picked up one with – after much back and forth and questionable confirmation – Leroy Lita
• The little striker links again w/ Tayls – LL fed deep, rolling Anthony Gerrard and compelling a reflex save from David Marshall
• Robbo robbed – GON crosses nicely and it’s a crisp strike – important save from Marshall
• Killen next! A looping header the end result of a ball from the right delivered by Kyle Naughton – tipped away
• More Marshall heroics: GON has a go from a free kick 40 yards out – it dips and swerves towards the open net until the last moment – what a half from a man jettisoned to Norwich when Gordo gaffered up north
• FT – Cardiff 1-0 Boro
• GG MOM – Barry Robson
• It was a ‘lunatic linesman’ robbing us of a point, at least – so many chances in that second half – Cardiff were rocking and there for the taking
• Mark Drury w/ Wheats post match: we don’t know why we can’t string 2 good halves together – attitude toward the playoffs is still positive…it has to be
• Final thoughts from GG: we are competing at this level, just not scoring the goals to back it up – Scott McDonald will get those goals – is there enough time for him to make an impact

7000 tits from Newcastle shall be on display Saturday in what could be the last Tees-Tyne derby for some time…

To underscore the astonishment with the squad selection, Justin Hoyte was deployed at left back…ahead of the 3 existing and available ones…Julio Arca was favoured over Mark Yeates. In retrospect it’s daft to not think we’d struggle as badly as we did. Sorry Gary O’Neil, you didn’t boss the midfield…bang on though in being forthright about the deficiencies in attack and defence. Gary Gill was spared with a nagging malady – former Boro right back Curtis Fleming trekked the icy slopes to the press boxes at St James’ Park – here is what we culled from their vantage:

• GON free kick on 12 mins – Lita rises unchallenged, but the header is far off target
• Geordies lead after a questionable tangle in the box – Shola Ameobi appears to have pushed Emanuel Pogatetz before heading a ball towards goal that’s ultimately stabbed home by Marlon Harewood
• Danny Guthrie starts prolifically – delivered the ball leading to the first goal – his free kick is repelled by the wall but drops to Alan Smith, in a monumental scoring drought, who fizzes his shot low and wide
• Hand ball on Steven Taylor? He controls Isaiah Osbourne’s scooped shot onto the post – another in a long line of stonewall penalties denied
• HT – Newcastle 1 – 0 Boro – Curtis Fleming: Boro poor at set pieces – really costing us; Brad Jones continues to induce fear – rooted to the spot too often, and when he’s not something foolish is usually afoot – Mark Drury openly asks: are we really 20 points worse than the Geordies? Go get stuck in!
• Marcus Bent on – Dave Kitson off – ineffectual from the Ginger Ninj-er
• Niggly officiating
• Reported attendance: 49,644
• David Wheater goes close at one end – Newcastle shift the attack and Danny Guthrie is again involved – a cross from the right meets Ameobi again, this time the striker connects – Newcastle 2- 0 Boro
• Is it safe to throw on Luke Williams and/or Jonathan Franks in a hostile derby environment?
• Lita continues his maddening inconsistency – he’s fed a nice ball resultant of a decent move between Osbourne and Bent – LL pounds the effort well over the crossbar
• Hoyte – horribly exposed to failure – makes an enterprising run at the Newcastle back four – silky moves with no end quality that…sadly
• Franks does get on for Lita late – no impact
• Curtis Fleming MOM – Emanuel Pogatetz

Of paramount importance now is a proper return of points from the holiday fixtures – 6 would be exceptional – anything less than 4 a failure…

Boro have another crisis to negotiate while preparing for the holiday programme, this of a defensive nature. Sean St Ledger is back with Preston, unofficially, on gardening leave until his loan deal becomes permanent come January. Speculation abounds though as to the status of that deal – recent reports highlight an alleged row between defender and gaffer that has the full Ireland international defender cogitating over the impending permanence of his move. Virtual trudging has helped deduce that said row may have been blown out of proportion and that Gordo has designs on converting SSL to right back in the coming new year to help re-shape the squad. Additionally Seb Hines, who was pretty efficient in performing a partnership w/ David Wheater prior to acquiring SSL, suffered gruesome knee damage on reserve duty in the midweek and is out for up to 8 weeks. Expect Emanuel Pogatetz to occupy the central defence w/ Wheats and the recall of Andrew Taylor at left back. The caterwauling for Joe Bennett and/or Jonathan Grounds remains neglected.

Elsewhere in the projected squad: Gary O’Neil has been declared fit to retain the captaincy and return to his role in the Boro engine room; Adam Johnson is out after injury v Cardiff, so Mark Yeates, on a run of 3 consecutive excellent shifts, will marshal the left flank; Julio Arca may feature on the right side – not because he’s really excelled mind, it’s just the paucity of attacking options; and the Kitson/Lita reunion tour is about to reach its climax, so how about one last duet in the intimate surroundings of St. James’ Park?

Middlesbrough 0 – 0 Newcastle United Eff Cee

The latest rendition of the Tyne-Tees derby ended in a damp fog – much like the match played out on the pitch befallen by it. Boro needed a positive display to atone for last week v Bolton. Newcastle, buoyed by the appointment of Joe Kinnear until the end of the current season, looked to capitalise on their recent performance at Chelsea, maybe nicking a point at The Riverside too. Conditions were bordering on appalling, preventing either side from seizing control early on. Julio Arca joined the starting XI for the first time in the league this campaign; his presence signalling a more defensive minded approach in the midfield where he was paired w/ Didier Digard. Confident start from Stewart Downing…after a poor free kick on 15 minutes, he attacked shortly afterward, parading down the left channel and cutting inside to fire an incisive ball, off his right foot, high and wide of Shay Given’s goal.

Boro continued a dominant spell, projecting action on the attack – the final ball and an additional bit of quality were completely lacking. NUFC really did little in the first 35 minutes…Tuncay ran amok…Alves ran, not always in favourable positions…Downing pushed forward w/ Jeremie Aliadiere…Arca had a crack on goal in the 31st minute, later providing an inviting ball for AA, only to be felled by Jose Enrique. The ensuing goal kick sparked a great chance for the visitors…Danny Guthrie teed up Obafemi Martins for a howitzer off the crossbar…Ross Turnbull was helpless. Boro bungled about for the last 10 minutes of the half; Newcastle came close on a Nicky Butt free kick, but nothing more. 0-0 at the intermission.

Half Time Fag -

Aimless ambling from Afonso Alves so far – maybe he needs a holiday? Emanuel Pogatetz, steely and smart…Jonas Gutierrez is arguably Newcastle’s most gifted player…Tuncay and Aliadiere are indefatigable at times…good stuff from Stewie

Boro come out blazing early in the second half, Downing continuing a high quality of multi-footed service. AA got in on the action, linking and communicating w/ his attack partners. He comforted a Digard cross at the top of the box and unleashed a rasper, deflected out for a corner – Newcastle continue doing nothing except defend. Alves drifted wide at the right times, gathering pace to barrel forward onto goal – two really sublime runs minutes from each other, both cut out by desperate Newcastle defending. Geordie FC injected some venom into the already tense affair, swapping the pretty good overall Obafemi Martins for former Boro hitman Mark Viduka.

It didn’t take long for the best parmo customer ever to make an imprint…his right cannon foot got on the end of a pinball in the box…Turnbull dealt with it. The best scoring chance of the match came at 75 minutes – Boro attacking again, this time down the right flank…Jeremeie Aliadiere cuts into the box past two Newcastle defenders, slotting a sweet pea to Justin Hoyte, his effort parried away by a world-class Shay Given. JA made way for Mido a few minutes later…both sides not completely content w/ a point…David Wheater gets on the end of a Downing cross and pulls one wide…Charles N’Zogbia produced a chance that dragged wide of the far post at the other end…AA earned a free kick he subsequently wasted. Despair nearly set in during added time…Jonas Gutierrez skinning the Boro defence to the by-line, setting up Viduka w/ a succulent cross that was wasted by the big Bruce. N’Zogbia fired a final shot across the bow to signal the end…a tepid 0-0 draw

Gazza’s take

Pictures and words from Saturday