Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

It’s a cruel line of demarcation for one of our shining beacons of morality and courage, Sven. The following capsule chronicles the run-in for each of the top ten in the table as it stands…

Hull City
League position: 10th – 56 pts
Form: 8th
Remaining fixtures: Millwall, Watford (a), Swansea (a), Doncaster, Boro, QPR (a), Crystal Palace, Bristol City (a)

Three trips away to members of the top six is pretty murderous, though QPR may have promotion sewn up by the time Big Nige rolls up to Loftus Road in round 44…

Watford
League position: 9th – 56 pts
Form: 6th
Remaining fixtures: Coventry (a), Hull, Norwich, Leeds (a), Barnsley, Leicester (a), QPR, Preston (a)

They too could benefit from the league champions easing their push on the accelerator…conversely they could find themselves at Deepdale on the final day witnessing Phil Brown serenading the fans with his own unique rendition of ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’

Burnley
League position: 8th – 57 pts
Form: 9th
Remaining fixtures: Ipswich, Leicester (a), Forest (a), Swansea, Boro, Derby (a), Portsmouth, Leeds (a), Cardiff

Quite simply it’s the most daunting last three fixtures for any club on this list…the Pompey tilt could be a de facto elimination match for both, with the losers’ promo hopes doused for good

Reading
League position: 7th – 57 pts
Form: 3rd
Remaining fixtures: Portsmouth, Preston, Forest (a), Scunthorpe (a), Leicester, Leeds (a), Sheff Utd, Coventry (a), Derby

Chic pick to break into the top 6 and garner the final slot for ascension back to the Prem…a look at the remaining fixtures explains why: their final three could be the ones en route to League One

Nottingham Forest
League position: 6th – 60 pts
Form: 22nd
Remaining fixtures: Leeds (a), Reading, Burnley, Norwich (a), Leicester, Bristol City (a), Scunthorpe, Crystal Palace (a)

It’s been an awful run of form for the Trees, and failure to navigate the next five matches successfully could consign them to a disappointing mid table finish

Leeds
League position: 5th – 61 pts
Form: 13th
Remaining fixtures: Forest, Millwall (a), Derby (a), Watford, Reading, Crystal Palace (a), Burnley, QPR (a)

Burnley may have the toughest final three, but Dirty Leeds get virtually no respite until the final whistle blows in W12…Watford and Reading coming to Elland Road is a decided advantage this time of year

Cardiff
League position: 4th – 63 pts
Form: 12th
Remaining fixtures: Derby, Doncaster (a), Sheff Utd (a), Portsmouth, QPR, Preston (a), Boro, Burnley (a)

Tony Pulis, master of the obvious…of course Dave Jones is under pressure to earn promotion, that’s what choking and fading down the stretch in recent years fosters…they should be massive favourites for at least 7 of the remaining fixtures

Swansea
League position 3rd – 66 pts
Form: 7th
Remaining fixtures: Preston (a), Norwich, Hull, Burnley (a), Portsmouth (a), Ipswich, Millwall (a), Sheff Utd

It’s the generous final stage for the other Welsh aspirants who want to upgrade their league…an aversion to scoring goals knocked them off-track late last season…they don’t have that problem anymore…

Norwich
League position: 2nd – 67 pts
Form: 5th
Remaining fixtures: Scunthorpe, Swansea (a), Watford (a), Forest, Ipswich (a), Derby, Portsmouth (a), Coventry

We actually picked this lot to finish sixth…Paul Lambert brings indescribable qualities that equate to immediate, constant success…his squad displays a tremendous balance of grit and wisdom, like Grant Holt, melded with technically-proficient forward-thinking attackers

QPR
League position: 1st – 76 pts
Form: 2nd
Remaining fixtures: Sheff Utd, Scunthorpe (a), Barnsley (a), Derby, Cardiff (a), Hull, Watford (a), Leeds

There is a real chance of a home coronation, either after Derby or Hull…whenever it does occur we’ll be spared of the least enthralling end to a romping campaign since Newcastle last year…maybe they’ll league-swap with Fulham?

Based on absolutely nothing other than usual wild conjecture, here’s our final table:

6. Leeds

5. Reading

4. Cardiff

3. Norwich

2. Swansea

1. QPR

QPR and Swansea go up automatically – Norwich defeats Reading in the play-off final to garner consecutive promotions…

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• Cold night down by the Trent – fans lethargic due to the elements and a poor run of home form – it’s a perfect occasion for Boro to employ the blueprint clubs use against us when they come to the Riverside: harry the hosts for the opening 15-20 minutes, get their fans worked up in a lather, then do as you please

• Midfield working hard early on and maintaining a nice shape in the dynamic 4-3-3 – GON really thriving in his creative central role

• Leroy Lita continues a mini-renaissance with a couple of gilt-edged chances that should see Boro ahead – the best shout materialized when Mickael Tavares created space and seemingly froze in his unfamiliar advanced attacking position, dillying and dallying before teeing up the livewire striker – how he missed the open target is mystifying

• Plenty to be encouraged about at the interval with the score 0-0 – despite all our guile and bravery we’re just one bobble or bounce from being harshly down – Nicky Bailey enjoys his ‘best game by a country mile’ in Boro red cos he’s in the middle of the park – overall we look like a relieved bunch, free from the wee Scottish shackles

• Conjuring a howler against Cardiff last season: early in the second half Forest win a free-kick from a decent position – Lewis McGugan curls in a sweet effort that flummoxes the defence and Jason Steele, sailing into the top corner on 51 minutes

• Richie Smallwood, the 800^th player to represent the club since 1899 – tucks into the middle, replacing an ineffective Tavares – what’s in his tool chest you ask? Good possession, snaps into challenges, moves well with commanding presence – good player says Gilly

• No invention or creativity in the second half – redolent of many previous performances – this is a massive area of concern for whoever gets the job full-time – Strachan thought he had the blueprint and players to overturn it – a look at our current predicament suggests otherwise

• Rare Lee Miller sighting! – first appearance in all competitions this year – the former Aberdeen man was the rare common link between Southgate and Gordo – the former wanted him and the latter actually ponied up the dosh for the transfer – unless the incoming gaffer has a hulking man fetish expect to see the back of him as soon as we’re able

• In the end it’s another in a countless line of frustrating performances – good first half, awful second – for all the industry and superior work rate early on we couldn’t punish them – creativity evaporated and once they scored there was really only going to be one winner

Boro – ‘an ambitious football club’…it feels terrific saying and hearing that…a proper half-cocked look ahead to the new campaign should be available later this week

Millwall – a bit of an unknown – I reckon you get beat up pretty quickly if you stray too far from the New Den, but as for the footie, there’s Steve Morison and Neil Harris banging in goals, and the omnipotent on-field leadership of club captain Paul Robinson…Kenny Jackett has plenty of options in his arsenal…a comfortable mid-table finish wouldn’t be a gross overachievement considering…

Norwich – tremendous turnaround in the last 12 months: get thrashed 7-1 by Colchester, at home, upon their League One return, sack manager Bryan Gunn , hire Paul Lambert – the man responsible for the beatdown that prompted outrage across Norfolk – then go and win the fecking league and get promoted back to the Championship…Old Farm derbies versus Ipswich Town return…Wes Hoolahan is a natural talent on the attacking left, and Grant Holt absolutely murdered goals last season…Simeon Jackson was brought in from Gillingham to add depth, and maybe even some competition for club top scorer, wresting it from the captain number nine…

Nottingham Forest – Billy Davies nervously laughs off the perceived incompetence of his advisory board…he wants players, can’t get no money for them, then casually bends the ear of anyone willing to listen about the whole injustice of it all…a hearty favourite for first-to-get-the-sack if things go pear-shaped early at the City Ground…his accomplishments at this level are well-respected, it’s just he doesn’t tend to stay around very long…

Portsmouth – in a world of fucking hurt…their North American death trip was bad beyond belief, and their rumoured to be hit with a 20 point deduction – possibly even liquidation…those near and dear to the club are bracing for another precipitous drop…but hey, at least Kanu will still be around…

Preston - Alan Irvine was harshly dismissed during a sour patch, and boy wonder Darren Ferguson swooped in amid some controversy: tapping up his former players…some of their wags too if the virtually gossip was to be believed…Ferg Jr couldn’t spin any immediate magic, even with the rich loan resources afforded thanks to purple papa…up until now his time in charge has focused on spouting post-match nonsense and eliminating those ill suited for his style of play

QPR – old Neil Warnock took the challenge – expertly disguised as a satchel full of bundles of crisp notes – across town and went poaching his old Crystal Palace and Sheffield United players…Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Paddy Kenny, players he’s comfortable with…sounds like a transfer policy Boro fans are learning to embrace…and it’s fun listening to him talk…affable, controversial, frank…

Reading – prime contender for automatic promotion – a fantastic array of skilled and admired players including Gylfi Sigurosson, Jobi McAnuff, Shane Long, Jimmy Kebe, Adam Federici…the change in fortune from when Brian McDermott took over is a sweet confection Reading fans will not want to relinquish…they’re expected to hit the ground running and challenge all season for the title

Scunthorpe – is their magic act coming to a conclusion? Gary Hooper was finally flogged, and Paul Hayes went to Preston…Nigel Adkins will have to buckle the belt a tad tighter this term – staying up will be another small miracle in North Lincolnshire

Sheffield United - they certainly do embrace the style that typically embodies this league: gritty, robust, and brawny…ostensible skills: none really come to mind, other than kicking lumps out of the opposition and boring the pants off of spectators…Daniel Bogdanovic is in from Barnsley for goals, and the man Kevin Blackwell heralded as his January transfer target, Mark Yeates, remains in the fold…

Swansea – the dashing, jet-setting, champagne-drinking Iberian playboy that casually hits on all the wives and girlfriends has gone, off to pillage the birds of Leicester…from what we hear of new gaffer Brendan Rodgers the latent narcissism will still pervade – a Guardian poster recently quipped that the failed Reading boss would marry himself if it were legal…the slick and caressing passing game first introduced by ESPN heartthrob Roberto Martinez shall remain, it’s now the embraced ideology decrees chairman Huw Jenkins, with or without predatory full back Angel Rangel, target of future Championship opponents Blackpool…

Watford – the key for Malky Mackay is the loan market – if big four starlets like Tom Cleverley and Henri Lansbury, or any other of their contemporaries, continue their on-the-job training at Vicarage Road, then perhaps the Hornets can battle for a near-mid table finish…otherwise, the slog could be long and rough…ludicrous prediction: Gareth Southgate will manage this club before the end of the season…

West Bromwich Albion – it’s their bi-yearly migration north…can they solve the riddle of consolidation? Roberto di Matteo goes from League One to the Prem in a meteoric two years…

Nottingham Forest – rode an amazing wave of form to control 3rd spot…tight, organised, fitter, and more up for it than most of the opposition…Billy Davies gets teams promoted…maintaining that status? not so much…

Cardiff City – overcame the usual late season bottle job, and
administration bother…bags of goals…they’d be entertaining if
promoted…

Leicester City – improbable cohesion – Nigel Pearson should be investigated for human cloning violations – a steely and determined side, crafted in the mould of the former Boro man
Blackpool – Ian Holloway has a little dance…the form side who slid into the playoffs – those types have a history of running the playoff gauntlet – Pool haven’t been in 1st division since ’71

Swansea – there’s your Welsh bottle job – top 6 stalwarts for most of the season were doomed by lack of goal punch – will Sousa stay?

Sheffield United – promising finish, though they rarely were serious
promotion contenders…welcome back Paddy Kenny!

Reading – major turnaround under Brian McDermott – strong cup run buoyed league form

Bristol City – seemingly couldn’t lose under Keith Millen – Nicky
Maynard bagged a quiet 20 goals, especially the cracker v Pool that nearly spoiled their party

Boro – more later

Doncaster Rovers – free flowing footie under Sean O’Driscoll was frequently pleasing to the eye…can’t complain over top half finish

Queens Park Rangers – survived the standard managerial merry-go-round – Warnock says they’ll have to be reckoned w/ next term as they mount a serious promotion push

Derby County – better from young Nigel – will continue to build and ideally push for a top 10 finish

Ispwich Town – disappointing…after Roy Keane got the job late last season they responded strongly…horrific start to campaign was insurmountable

Watford – decent football at times, though their stars were all loan players – Tom Cleverley was outstanding…

Preston North End – little Ferg has them more organised…can he work some of the old Posh promotion magic?

Barnsley – Mark Robins was a great appointment – never an easy game – he’ll get more time to change the culture

Coventry City – briefly flirted w/ playoffs for a spell, even after selling Leon Best

Scunthorpe United – tremendous achievement to stay up given their paucity of resources…will look to cash in on the popular goalhawk Gary Hooper

Crystal Palace – promotion attempts railroaded by administration…did just enough under Paul Hart to avoid possible extinction

Sheffield Wednesday – despair at final day relegation – American
investment and sound stewardship of Alan Irvine should see a quick return to the Championship

Plymouth Argyle – the affable Paul Mariner instilled a courageous
spirit after the sacking of Paul Sturrock…sadly they couldn’t ride
it out the basement

Peterborough United – out of their depth, and the resulting
instability – sacking Ferguson and Cooper – was too big a
specter…revived under Jim Gannon for a spell…now Gary Johnson is the man to architect a new push back up

Billy Davies couldn’t have been serious? A matter of time before you scored? Really? The dereliction of duty committed by Leroy Lita for not playing to the whistle was really the only accelerant for a super-charged move that resulted in the goal. Sure, Radoslaw Majewski clipped the bar w/ a delightful free kick…and Robert Earnshaw was certainly menacing at times, however we did enjoy long spells of the ball. Unfortunately we created fuck all w/ it. Nothing clear cut despite some late desperation salvos from Pogi/Stephen McManus/Leroy Lita – all finding either a crude clearance or the safety of Forest keeper Lee Camp.

 We took a visit to the local ‘exotic dance’ club for a slice of good fortune. All the good it got us was waking up surprisingly not hung over from the strawberry margaritas – the secret ingredient is extra tequila – for a virtual rendezvous w/ BBC Radio Tees…portable parmo aficionado Ali Brownlee and Gary Gill instead of she’s-a-struggling-student-and-a-good-kid Kayla from Riverside County…balls!

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus , Pogatetz; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Arca; Aliadiere, McDonald

• Still no Killen, so why is Lee Miller – ineffectual as he may be – on the bench?
• GON toughing it out…Pogi too after a late fitness test
• Majestic Majewski forces Danny Coyne to full stretch! Superb free kick may have gotten a slight touch, but it clips the crossbar and out for goal kick
• Boro respond w/ prolonged pressure – Arca shoots artfully from 20 yards – corner – pinged around the box…plenty of good touches…Forest agitated for sure
• Aliadiere getting into good positions, but Gary Gill sums it up expertly: you never feel he’s going to score
• Boro seeking first win @ City Ground since 1999
• Steve Agnew – remarkably still employed – predicted to Ali earlier this week that the team will be rewarded for their hard work and dedication on set pieces in recent training
• Good reasons for Gordo to be pleased – organized, assertive, attacking – but he’s not…we edged the half and really deserved something – HT Forest 0-0 Boro
• Penetrative reporting from Mark Drury: the gaffer really lost his rag at the end of the half – the final free kick was shambolic in every aspect – Forest have reinforcement options if needed…subs are warming up at the beginning of the break
• 2^nd half – Forest unbeaten at home since 19 Sep 09 to Pool 0-1
• Tame first 15 minutes – Chris Gunter has the first real crack in the 61^st minute – not too troubling – goal kick
• GG: a good challenge or two is just as effective as a goal in getting the crowd energized
• Forest get their goal – Lita stopped playing, the home side broke free – Majewski squares it – Chris Cohen meets it to sweep into the net – Forest 1-0 Boro – 72 min
• Robust ovation for Robert Earnshaw – off for David McGoldrick
• Leroy Lita attempts to atone w/ a venomous shot from absolutely nowhere! Tipped out by Camp
• Crazy final 10 mins – flurry of activity from Boro…corner after corner…Pogi smashed a goalbound effort that was saved…Forest break…McKenna we think sprinting into the box and down…no pen!
• Real frenetic stuff – Forest deploy their ‘absolute beast’… Dele Adebola
• 4 mins added – most of it uneventful – final 45 secs sees Danny Coyne come forward for a shit corner from GON – the subsequent free kick too – Leroy again…rolls his marker…wicked shot…effing saved by Camp’s knees…it’s later speculated that had he gone down amidst the robust challenge from Wes Morgan he could have maybe earned a penalty…
• FT Forest 1-0 Boro – one switch off…no clear cut chances…a lack of professionalism…
• GG MOM – Wheats

QPR bring their sideshow north Saturday – Warnock has a mate who might have booked a room already…

Gary O’Neil is a man. He’s a fucking badass. Forgoing a debilitating groin niggle, the Boro skipper is to marshal the charge into the City Ground to face still-in-form Forest, a club still flying in the top reaches of the Championship despite a poor run of recent form.  Boro crashed out of the Carling Cup there earlier – a gritty 2-1 affair decided in the final moments – and settled for a generous draw at the Riverside in the corresponding league fixture.  Faint hopes of the play-offs flicker, though expectations for another season of this…the 5^th most competitive in Europe…are keenly resigned to. Anything more is a bonus. Success hinges on a goal run being established by the custom picked strike force – Scott McDonald, Chris Killen, and Lee Miller – the lanky Kiwi the only one to register so far. Mac’s failed penalty on Tuesday is destined for folklore pertaining to this lost season.

Gordon Strachan is expected to have a nearly full compliment to choose from…expect Killen upfront w/ McDonald, a more traditional 4-4-2…shift Robson to the left, Flood inside w/ GON, Naughton or Hoyte on the right flank…

Ruminations for sure – we’ll be up early for Ali/GG and their live representation to draw our own laboured conclusions. The paucity of blog fodder will continue to be fomented by social networking content…heads up for some peppermint tea and fags comments and ratings…

• How many away goals do we have to score to protect against defensive lapses?
• Is the diminishing defensive prowess down to St Ledger? Can he co-exist w/ Wheater, or any of our centre-backs?
• The illustrative nature of the kit cock-up – a pretty damning picture of the dearth of focus and direction at multiple levels within the club
• Kitson was a revelation against Posh, and he’s desperately the type of commanding up-front presence we need, but have we forgotten that he’s relatively adamant his stay on Teesside is temporary

We missed the match – only the second in 4 years that couldn’t be followed in some live shape due to transit logistics – but caught up via the live blog. Slightly sophomoric this time round…save the cheap gags for after-match celebrations. Don’t let it morph into the disorganized mess we witness on the pitch.

And to maintain journalistic concentration, belated notes from the Forest draw presented in a holiday-style sampler:

• Pogatetz was back – and pretty useful after just three weeks removed from the fractured cheekbone v Plymouth
• EARLY GOAL!! – Arca pushed forward from the right, was spoon-fed by Johnno, shaped a shot palmed away by Lee Camp, tucked away by Leroy Lita
• Bright start for Boro, but Forest persevered and started to control the match – Jonesey made a string of decent saves to close the half
• Dave Kitson: Ginger Ninj-er!
• Forest level through a routine Rob Earnshaw free kick – poor
• AV eagle-eye view: ‘Forest look fitter, faster, and more up for it’
• Fortunate to get a point frankly – Forest dominated for long spells later on, we lost any attacking creativity…the fitness/focus concerns are alarming

Reinforcements have been brought in – namely the 6’3″ of  ginger tincture that is Dave Kitson, on loan from Stoke City through the end of the year. Middlesbrough’s new, albeit temporary, mastadon is tasked with getting on the end of all those crosses that are to start coming into the opposing penalty area as the club look to break their duck under the new gaffer. Emanuel Pogatetz expects to contend for a starting berth as well after an express recovery from the fractured cheekbone suffered v Plymouth. We’d machinate more of a squad plan if it weren’t for the lingering getting-to-know-you phase miring the club since the new managerial appointment. Plus, we’ve a proper piss-up later this evening and can’t be fussed.

We do know that Forest are historically regal against us – Boro haven’t won in the last 12 head-to-head contests,  and Forest have 5 consecutive away wins on Teesside. Despite the two weeks off,  our extra hour of slumber will be relished, and we’ll be there shotgun w/ AV and his live matchcast.

The good, the bag, and the ugly shall follow sometime later in the weekend – result pending of course…

Boro avert any injury crisis, job done, distinguished exit, next up Bristol City…it becomes a bit of a curate’s egg: not good that we miss out on exposure and potential cash windfall, but equally not bad that we can shave a few fixtures from an already demanding fixture list…