Leicester City traded dead cool Mediterranean sexy for a proven, if not slightly whorish, global lothario. Lisbon, Rome, Genoa, Mexico City, and now Leicester – lock up your daughters, lock up your wives, for sex god Sven Goran Eriksson has docked, looking for tasteful accommodation, cos he doesn’t like commitment in any form. The aim? Promotion, but of course. Kyle Naughton is the first of what looks to be several additions to a retooled side – Jason Roberts is being eyed up seductively, and rather flagrantly, to fetch the goals needed to string some results together and climb out of the league basement…

Derby esta jugando bien! A spot of Spanish tyro Alberto Bueno – on loan from Real Valladolid and personally recommended to Nigel Clough by Vicente del Bosque – has imbued Pride Park with the kind of rapture a recent American divorcee might find in Tuscany. Robbie Savage maintains his dual role as prime villain and cocksure midfield maestro; many Boro fans lamented our dearth of someone of that ilk from our squad during the recent 3-1 dismantling. Throw in an assiduous, omnipresent attacking midfielder like Kris Commons, and starving artist Stephen Bywater – for cultural enhancement only – and you’ve a squad exceeding pre-season expectations of lower-table middling. This here’s a pretty decent side now…

Top Two

No movement – QPR and Cardiff remain imperious…and frankly we’re fucking sick of talking them up…

Playoff Occupiers

Norwich lead the charge of the recently promoted, primarily due to their competent defending that’s avoided the occasional tonkings meted out to fellow new fish Leeds and Millwall – John Ruddy has emerged as a confident surrogate for former taboo lust target Fraser Forster – presiding over the attack are the trident of Wes Hoolahan, Grant Holt, and Chris Martin, affording Paul Lambert an embarrassment of artillery

Care to have a guess at the two teams averaging over 2 goals a contest? Yes, fucking QPR is one…who’s the other? Here’s a clue: they employ four former Boro lads, and we could do with two of them at the moment: an in-form, skilled striker + Prem tested left back…Watford! Marvin Sordell is rewarding Malky Mackay’s faith by banging in regular goals – Adrian Mariappa and Martin Taylor highlight an effective back four keeping out just enough goals to prolong this current meteoric rise

A comment on Paul Fletcher’s ponderous Boro blog splendidly compares the growing pains of Ipswich to our own malaise – Roy Keane has advanced past the Ireland/Sunderland fixation to blood some damn fine youngsters, proof that patience does pay off eventually as Town fly high…Burnley produced some heart-stopping moments in the last few weeks: an insane late comeback to top Preston 4-3, prompting a fresh hot funk from Little Ferg, followed directly by a Tallinn takedown at the Riverside that saw well-earned points evaporated

The Real Meaty Bit Of The Table

Reading, Swansea, and The Trees hold steady in the upper half…Billy Davies is keeping his head down and getting on with the job of keeping his lot in the thick of it – 9 unbeaten since the opening day defeat to Burnley…Leeds/Preston surely gets the nod for match of the month: a 4-1 halftime lead squandered to a previously flaccid Preston side who erupted for five unanswered goals to stupefy the Elland Road faithful and win 6-4…Boro are afflicted with a wisecracking wee gaffer enthusiastically walking the plank on his own accord…drugs, drink, and smoking indeed…the dias-Boro has the highest chemical dependency rate of them all! Portsmouth remained fucked – the Football League wants assurances over four lingering issues before ratifying a proposal to emerge from administration…remarkably the insolvency issues are being overshadowed by some brave displays in what were always going to be hectic circumstances

Bottom Three

Leicester have invoked their experienced saviour…the dosh from the Thais is there, and it’s real according to Sven…set the controls for the heart of the Prem…Crystal Palace languish too, with prospects less fulgent than the Foxes…positive result against Pompey aside, the Eagles have spent the last six weeks flitting between drab 0-0 draws and hapless multi-goal thrashings…Bristol City aren’t really remembering the times when Keith Millen held their hair whilst really sick from too much blue curacao in the drunken lemonades…he’s got but a few matches to string some results together and get off the floor

The sexiness coefficient of the league has just dipped dramatically with Paulo Sousa’s sacking at Leicester. Down deep in the table, unable to string anything tangible together, some think the diamond Portugeezer shouldn’t be the only alien deported back from whence they came. More on the fiery Scot occupying the hot seat below, now it’s round 10 prognostications unveiled:

Barnsley 2-2 Cardiff

Bristol City 1-2 Norwich

Crystal Palace 1-1 QPR

Doncaster 2-0 The Trees

Hull 1-1 Coventry

Ipswich 2-1 Leeds United

Leicester 3-0 Scunthorpe

Middlesbrough 2-0 Portsmouth

Millwall 2-2 Burnley

Preston 2-3 Reading

Sheffield Utd 0-1 Watford

Swansea 3-1 Derby

Pressure mounts on Gordon Strachan; he has no idea what’s wrong, and no clue how to fix it. Knives have been unsheathed again after a miserable trip to Watford and Derby, completely eradicating any momentum garnered by the home gains of two weeks ago. It’s prompted a chance to elucidate some feelings, to really convey one’s thoughts surrounding this soon to be one year anniversary of an Irn-Bru revolution…

Accounts have been filed with Companies House – no real financial shockers, nothing that hasn’t been calculated on the back of a fag packet…

Mogga doesn’t want the poisoned chalice, so who is in the frame if Gordo is told to do one? Phil Brown? Martin O’Neill? If the gamble on immediate promotion is as serious as the dosh dossier suggests, it must be someone skilled at getting out of this league. Who else fits the bill?

Tuesday

7.45p

Barnsley v Leeds United – Oakwell

The Tykes look to avoid the ignominy of consecutive losses to newly promoted sides…Leeds will be without their number one as Kapser Schmeichel battles a foot injury…Barnsley 2-1 Leeds United

Bristol City v Watford – Ashton Gate

City took advantage of the then-uncertainty at Glanford Park and rolled to a critical win…Watford pulled a Boro and threw away points when Doncaster snatched at draw at the death…Bristol City 2-0 Watford

Doncaster v Norwich – Keepmoat Stadium

A juicy proposition between two intriguing sides fully imbued with the spirit of their respective gaffers…a game to take impressionable, aspiring tots to…Doncaster 2-2 Norwich

Hull v Derby – KC Stadium

When you’ve failed to win away in 27 straight, home can be a tonic…unless your form there is pretty shit too…fortunately for Hull, Derby look rubbish…Hull 1-0 Derby

Ipswich v QPR – Portman Road

Like countless others before, many Boro fans take warm comfort in Roy Keane…his, erm, methodical approach to finally stringing some results together after 18 months give those suffering under Strachan some cause for optimism…stuffing rampant QPR after our beatdown should engender more moist emotion…Ipswich 1-0 QPR

Leicester v Cardiff – Walkers Stadium

A playoff rematch from May, when Cardiff prevailed and thought they’d stroll to promotion after Blackpool shocked the Trees…four months on it’s Pool strutting on the Prem promenade…Paulo Sousa needs this one badly…Leicester 3-1 Cardiff

Middlesbrough v Burnley – Riverside Stadium

The knives are out…the captain castigated after his heroically frank post-QPR assessment…and Gary McAllister is contemplating using the escape hatch to fuck off to Villa…attendance may be in the four-figures, if not Tuesday, then Saturday for sure, without a courageous, competent display here…Burnley shanghaied Little Ferg last time out, and it was glorious…Boro 0-2 Burnley

Millwall v Reading – New Den

Trips to Millwall were always going to be grim…the fact that they’re playing some of the best stuff in the league now makes it positively frightening…Millwall 2-1 Reading

Preston v The Trees – Deepdale

Unofficially, it took Little Ferg five whole league post-match pressers to use ‘disgrace’, or any of its permutations…that’s just not good enough…we want his not-so-distinct bombast and vitriol tout les jours…Billy Davies may not be the most agitated Scot in the league after all…Preston 1-0 The Trees

Sheffield United v Scunthorpe – Bramall Lane

This league lost a diamond geezer when Nigel Adkins agreed to take over at Southampton…let’s hope a little bit of money and fame doesn’t change him…Sheffield United have a golden chance to make it three straight wins for rookie gaffer Gary Speed…Sheffield United 2-0 Scunthorpe

Swansea v Coventry – Liberty Stadium

We’re plumping for a big, defining away win…only cos we really can’t call this…it happens…Swansea 0-2 Coventry

8.00p

Crystal Palace v Portsmouth – Selhurst Park

Pompey fight and bleed and rummage…it’s hard not to tacitly pull for them in these sullen times…Palace have the makings of a good side with Ambrose, Danns, and Speroni…George Burley has quite a bit to prove you would think after setting Scotland football back to the dark ages…Crystal Palace 2-2 Portsmouth

Saturday

12.30p

Coventry v Leicester – Ricoh Arena

Paulo Sousa isn’t a one bird man…his indecisiveness is spilling into his striker selection too: D.J. Campbell was going to stay, but then he went…and now he’s not so sure about Matty Fryatt…at least he has the spunk to admit he couldn’t go on without a bit of Martyn Waghorn…Aidy Boothroyd has the home side embarking on a positive ascent…Chris Coleman did too this time last year, and that didn’t end on the best of terms…Coventry 1-1 Leicester

1.00p

Derby v Sheffield United – Pride Park

Great bit of business by the Rams, eh? Boro were willing to part with upwards of £4m last summer for hulking forward Rob Hulse…instead they dug their heels in and stood firm, aided by the fact Hulse wasn’t interested in a move to the northeast…QPR snapped him up for £1m before the close of the transfer window, leaving a considerable gap in attack…Gary Speed seeks another win to herald a good start to an overdue managerial career…Derby 1-1 Sheffield United

3.00p

Cardiff v Hull – Cardiff City Stadium

Massive…huge…epic…landmark…Anthony Gerrard returns to Cardiff City Stadium! Frankly we’re tired of talking up Craig Bellamy, and we can’t work in a smart Goldie Lookin Chain reference…here’s hoping Nigel Pearson is back to rude health after a hospital scare…Cardiff 2-0 Hull

Leeds United v Swansea – Elland Road

Amdy Faye has been drafted in to add grit and muscle to the Leeds midfield…a shrewd acquisition that further bolsters an already formidable spine…Swansea are right in the early thick of it, but the away form has to improve if they’re to make a real go…another proven goalscorer couldn’t hurt too…maybe a cheeky call to his mate in Madrid to see if Gonzalo Higuain might be available on loan? Leeds United 2-1 Swansea

Norwich v Barnsley – Carrow Road

Mark Robins may have a true gem on his hands in Adam Hammill…a chic pick for prosperity, the Tykes look to build on the success that followed an underwhelming start…Norwich don’t look like they’re going anywhere, in a good way…they’ll hang and claw and scratch, and occasionally gouge…Norwich 3-1 Barnsley

The Trees v Millwall – Trees Home Ground

This is for you smogonthetynenowinnunthorpe…an exorcism of the Garibaldi Reds, distilling them down to a generic parochial, arboreal outfit…chief thicko Steve Morison looks to maintain his torrid form…Kenny Jackett immediately distancing himself from the Wales vacancy can’t hurt the continued cohesion either…The Trees 0-1 Millwall

Portsmouth v Ipswich – Fratton Park

If nothing else, Dave Kitson will give great quote to the journos on the south coast…he and Liam Lawrence certainly appear a considerable upgrade over what they surrendered in Marc Wilson and Tommy Smith…no word if Roy is to go ahead with his coaching duties after this tragic news…goodnight, sweet prince…Portsmouth 1-0 Ipswich

QPR – Middlesbrough – Loftus Road

Things are going swimmingly at the Bush…and Neil Warnock has never lost to Boro, anywhere…of course we had never won at their place either, before the 5-1 thrashing way that signaled Gordo’s first win last December…a real litmus test for the visitors, especially with a national media set to cast a beady eye on our assembly of expensive talent…QPR 2-2 Boro

Reading v Crystal Palace – Madejski Stadium

Palace secured the scrawl of James Vaughan on loan to key the attack…Reading matches them with their own tyro, former Royal Simon Cox is in from West Brom…will Reading go the way of the Sugarcubes after their charismatic focal point Gylfi Sigurdsson has gone? Reading 2-0 Crystal Palace

Scunthorpe v Bristol City – Glanford Park

Such class…Nigel Adkins won’t give Southampton the time of day unless they consider compensating the Iron…a lesson in devotion and professional integrity for all in these morally bankrupt times…Keith Millen gets a starlet in Tottenham’s Danny Rose…the young whippet should be keen to impress that he does indeed have the goods…Scunthorpe 2-1 Bristol City

Watford v Doncaster – Vicarage Road

The loan window recently opened, and no doubt Watford will be on edge as they see if they can snatch anymore big-time Prem-nurtured talent to abet a quest to avoid expected tough times in the league…Doncaster don’t have to wait for the Arsenal whelps, for they play they’re own brand of pass-it-into-the-net stuff…Watford 2-2 Doncaster

5.15p

Burnley v Preston – Turf Moor

Great stuff from Paul Fletcher this week, chronicling the financial re-tooling of a club almost taken to the HMRC wall…Little Ferg is on board with the austerity plan, though not without his own nepotistic loan captures…Turf Moor is a fortress, just ask Big Ferg…Burnley 2-0 Preston

Top Two

Eleven goals scored – two conceded – QPR are off to a flyer – less-heralded summer transfer Jamie Mackie from Plymouth is setting the goal pace with three – maintained an unbeaten start after surreal comeback at Derby – 2 goals in 2nd half stoppage time to rescue a point

Cardiff have won 3 on the bounce after a dull season opening draw v Sheffield United…2 away wins @ Derby and Portsmouth – is the Bellamy capture massive enough to tip the scales and spur a serious promotion push?

Playoff Occupiers

Ipswich are level on points w/ the top two, their goal difference not quite as robust as the table-toppers – fine away form with wins secured at Boro and Crystal Palace – imposingly natty striker Jason Scotland returns to the league with a view to setting it alight once more, at least until Connor Wickham returns…

Millwall are annihilating opponents through sheer goal power – the meteoric rise for Steve Morison continues: blazing a goal trail from non-league to the Championship, earning a call up from Wales, and becoming the subject of rampant transfer speculation… Burnley find life after the drop different, as in they’re picking up regular points, unlike the long, hard slog that was life in the Prem – Chris Iwelumo and Ross Wallace continue to bed in, creating the potential for an extremely potent attack trio when combined with Martin Paterson

Leeds seem perfectly suited to grinding results, just like they did at Vicarage Road last time out – that’s a critical trait to possess at this level – our pre-season picks are generally in peril, but we stand united behind this lot blagging sixth spot in the end

Upper Mid Table

Norwich are acclimating to the higher reaches of the Championship as they lurk outside in seventh…Doncaster and Scunthorpe continue punching above their respective weights…Reading hopes to assuage the Gylfi Sigurdsson departure with a helping of freshly-omitted-from-Wolves-25-man-roster menace Michael Kightly

Lower Mid Table

Boro languish in 16^th, among the detritus consisting of expectant contenders Sheffield United, Hull, and The Trees, those useless trees…believe this: Billy Davies is gonna walk, even Daniel Taylor angularly suggests it…Crystal Palace and Preston hover above the all-to-early-to-speculate-unless-it’s-Pompey drop zone

Bottom 3

Bristol City search for the scorching form they  experienced under Keith Millen atthe end of last term…injuries and overall personnel adjustments conspire to create a huge obstacle, but hey, Jamo is still around…Paulo Sousa is flummoxed that Leicester aren’t embracing the sexy ideals that comprise his smouldering brand of football…and yeah Portsmouth! fleeced Stoke for the erudite Dave Kitson and loveable Irish scamp Liam Lawrence, for just one efficient Marc Wilson…of the course the transaction comes with customary challenges as the paperwork for Lawrence wasn’t completed in time before the transfer deadline…the loan is being processed as we type, with a view to a permanent deal come January…a similar snag occurred with Tommy Smith’s move to QPR…Spurs get all bleeding night to finalise the van der Vaart swoop, and Pompey get held to the stopwatch…pathetic

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Middlesbrough – Oakwell

If the Tykes want a cup tie they’re going to get one says Gordon Strachan…Boro continue to tinker with their formations in search of some shape and attacking stability…midfield help is en route from Germany in the form of Hamburg’s itinerant Senegal international Mickael Tavares…Barnsley have yet to live up to early season promise as a playoff contender…Barnsley 1-2 Boro

Derby v QPR – Pride Park

Adel Taarabt is the second coming of Cristiano Ronaldo…Neil Warnock is taking Rangers back to the promised land…they play the most expansive football in the division…blah blah blah…wake us when they’re sweating on the outskirts of the top 6 come March…Derby 2-0 QPR

Doncaster v Hull – Keepmoat Stadium

The home side will take their hammerings, as they did last week in Wales…it proves as no deterrent for the slick brand of football Rovers like to espouse…Nigel Pearson undoubtedly has the resources and nous to stabilize leaky Hull…they strike us as a bit of a wildcard – you don’t quite know what to expect, especially away from home…Doncater 2-1 Hull

Ipswich v Bristol City – Portman Road

Roy certainly is rolling: a bright start to the campaign, currently in fifth position, superfluous Jon pair of Stead and Walters flogged off for needed dosh…a towering dread-locked striker procured from Wigan…things are progressing well for Town…Bristol City are still trying to find their feet after the Coppell disaster as they leak goals at an alarming rate…Ipswich 1-0 Bristol City

Millwall v Coventry – The Den

We reckon Marlon King may not be in the crowd for this one…surely a good kicking awaits if he’s daft enough…the Sky Blues are set for one too as Millwall continue to acclimatize to their new surroundings nicely…Millwall 3-1 Coventry

Nottingham Forest v Norwich – City Ground

Tough sledding for Forest so far…is Billy Davies furtively packing up his things little by little, or will he just sod it all and hope Forest ship his possessions out via courier to his forwarding address on file in human resources? Norwich are off to a flyer like their promoted bretheren…Nottingham Forest 0-0 Norwich

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Dave Jones has zero sympathy for Pompey…maybe your heart goes into the deep freeze when your club is continually skint, you can’t afford remedial repairs to the pitch, and you’ve personally endured allegations of being dangerous to children? Portsmouth 1-1 Cardiff

Scunthorpe v Crystal Palace – Glanford Park

The Iron will survive if they maintain knocking off the bigger clubs who can’t match their austere and prudent approach to running a football club…Crystal Palace is another prime, attainable target…and Glanford Park can be a fun fortress…Scunthorpe 2-0 Crystal Palace

Sheffield United v Preston – Bramall Lane

Ferg Jr got a much needed result last week v Portsmouth…he’ll lead the Lillywhites into Bramall Lane hoping to extend the Blades early misery, and make the curve for new gaffer Gary Speed noticeably sharper…based on their display at the Riverside – and both teams were culpable – he’s got a job to do…Sheffield United 1-1 Preston

Swansea v Burnley – Liberty Stadium

The Clarets have hit the ground running – as expected in most footballing circles…Swansea’s transition under Brendan Rodgers shouldn’t be a transition at all really since the club was steadfast in appointing a new manager keen on proliferating their patented possession approach…some remain underwhelmed by the Carnlough Mourinho…scalping the visitors could go some way to altering that mindset…Swansea 2-1 Burnley

Watford v Leeds United – Vicarage Road

A top ten tussle in Hertfordshire, though for how long remains to be seen…Malky Mackay has his young tribe overachieving early…Simon Grayson just got attacking reinforcement in the shape of Scotland international striker Ross McCormack…we like the newcomers to nick a jammy win…Watford 0-1 Leeds United

5.20p

Leicester v Reading – The Walkers Stadium

Mouthwatering…sumptuous…eye-catching…adjectives not quite appropriate for these two given their pedigree and level of expectation…still, they’re our tips for fouth and third respectively…if it came down to barnets and overall looks amongst the gaffers the Foxes win every damn time…Leicester 2-1 Reading

1. gives a tantalising taste of the upcoming league action, replete with unique commentary and obvious assertions
2. broadcasts our ineptitude at prognostications of any sporting kind
3. a cheap way to file 600 or so words and stay on the cusp of relevance

Saturday

12.15p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

Both dumped out of the Carling Cup at the first time of asking…more time to focus on the imminent lower-to-mid table scrap…Derby will summon the courage for another good early away result…Coventry 1-1 Derby

12.30p

Leeds United v Millwall – Elland Road

Surprisingly it’s Millwall who are the newly promoted side off to a rollicking start – a pair of tonkings meted out to the Bristol City and Hull, all without conceding a league goal…that changes after this affair…Leeds Utd 3-1 Millwall

3.00p

Bristol City v Barnsley – Ashton Gate

Both of these clubs were tipped for success early on, though Bristol may be erased by some now given the early upheaval…they fail to recall the cracking form achieved during Keith Millen’s spell at the end of last season…Barnsley will be difficult to predict all season…Bristol City 1-0 Barnsley

Burnley v Leicester – Turf Moor

Oh that devilish Paulo Sousa…Leicester deserved to beat Boro…don’t make us go hating your sexy ass…Burnley will be there all year long, as will the Foxes…Burnley 2-0 Leicester

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

That’s right, Craig Bellamy appears to have strong-armed Manchester City into sending him home for a season to tear up a league incapable of neutralising him and got them to pay a large percentage of his wages…not bad for a club who by all rights should have been severely punished, if not liquidated, for repeated financial transgressions…Cardiff 4-1 Doncaster

Crystal Palace v Ipswich – Selhurst Park

Palace finally emerge from the administration mire…Roy Keane meanwhile is still cross about something, this time the lack of action in the transfer market…that cash from the Jon Walters sale is just sitting there too…buy someone, do it for the supporters! Crystal Palace 1-1 Ipswich

Hull v Watford – KC Stadium

Hull are skint, yet they managed to just procure the services of former Arsenal prodigy Jay Simpson…Watford snagged their own young tyro…some chap called Josh Walker…hmmm…Hull 2-0 Watford

Norwich v Swansea – Carrow Road

No, new honourary club ambassador Stephen Fry will not be suiting up for Paul Lambert, though we’d reckon his size and pleasant demeanour would flummox the visitors…Norwich 1-0 Swansea

Preston v Portsmouth – Deepdale

Gregg Roughley cockteased us with a missive on the increasing pressure facing Ferg Jr…a loss here condemns the Lillywhites to a positively dreadful start…Portsmouth have managed okay early doors despite meagre resources…Preston 0-1 Portsmouth

QPR v Scunthorpe – Loftus Road

Rangers are absolutely flying under Neil Warnock, cup defeat to Port Vale aside…ole Neil reckons they’re far from the finished article, but he’s fooling no one…Scunthorpe adorably claw and struggle…QPR 2-1 Scunthorpe

Reading v Nottingham Forest – Madejski Stadium

Languid starts from a pair of forecasted playoff sides…the seat under Billy Davies gets progressively warmer and the urge to bolt increases…Reading will be just fine with their stable of starlets…Reading 2-0 Nottingham Forest

Sunday

13.15p

Middlesbroughv Sheffield United – Riverside Stadium

Expect the sheen of Gary Speed’s debut a gaffer to be counteracted by the performance of a former Blades player, Matt Kilgallon…the defender on-loan from Sunderland is expected to go straight into Gordo’s side for a bit of calm and professionalism in the left back berth…it starts with this match – Mission: Promotion…Boro 2-0 Sheffield United

Boro – ‘an ambitious football club’…it feels terrific saying and hearing that…a proper half-cocked look ahead to the new campaign should be available later this week

Millwall – a bit of an unknown – I reckon you get beat up pretty quickly if you stray too far from the New Den, but as for the footie, there’s Steve Morison and Neil Harris banging in goals, and the omnipotent on-field leadership of club captain Paul Robinson…Kenny Jackett has plenty of options in his arsenal…a comfortable mid-table finish wouldn’t be a gross overachievement considering…

Norwich – tremendous turnaround in the last 12 months: get thrashed 7-1 by Colchester, at home, upon their League One return, sack manager Bryan Gunn , hire Paul Lambert – the man responsible for the beatdown that prompted outrage across Norfolk – then go and win the fecking league and get promoted back to the Championship…Old Farm derbies versus Ipswich Town return…Wes Hoolahan is a natural talent on the attacking left, and Grant Holt absolutely murdered goals last season…Simeon Jackson was brought in from Gillingham to add depth, and maybe even some competition for club top scorer, wresting it from the captain number nine…

Nottingham Forest – Billy Davies nervously laughs off the perceived incompetence of his advisory board…he wants players, can’t get no money for them, then casually bends the ear of anyone willing to listen about the whole injustice of it all…a hearty favourite for first-to-get-the-sack if things go pear-shaped early at the City Ground…his accomplishments at this level are well-respected, it’s just he doesn’t tend to stay around very long…

Portsmouth – in a world of fucking hurt…their North American death trip was bad beyond belief, and their rumoured to be hit with a 20 point deduction – possibly even liquidation…those near and dear to the club are bracing for another precipitous drop…but hey, at least Kanu will still be around…

Preston - Alan Irvine was harshly dismissed during a sour patch, and boy wonder Darren Ferguson swooped in amid some controversy: tapping up his former players…some of their wags too if the virtually gossip was to be believed…Ferg Jr couldn’t spin any immediate magic, even with the rich loan resources afforded thanks to purple papa…up until now his time in charge has focused on spouting post-match nonsense and eliminating those ill suited for his style of play

QPR – old Neil Warnock took the challenge – expertly disguised as a satchel full of bundles of crisp notes – across town and went poaching his old Crystal Palace and Sheffield United players…Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Paddy Kenny, players he’s comfortable with…sounds like a transfer policy Boro fans are learning to embrace…and it’s fun listening to him talk…affable, controversial, frank…

Reading – prime contender for automatic promotion – a fantastic array of skilled and admired players including Gylfi Sigurosson, Jobi McAnuff, Shane Long, Jimmy Kebe, Adam Federici…the change in fortune from when Brian McDermott took over is a sweet confection Reading fans will not want to relinquish…they’re expected to hit the ground running and challenge all season for the title

Scunthorpe – is their magic act coming to a conclusion? Gary Hooper was finally flogged, and Paul Hayes went to Preston…Nigel Adkins will have to buckle the belt a tad tighter this term – staying up will be another small miracle in North Lincolnshire

Sheffield United - they certainly do embrace the style that typically embodies this league: gritty, robust, and brawny…ostensible skills: none really come to mind, other than kicking lumps out of the opposition and boring the pants off of spectators…Daniel Bogdanovic is in from Barnsley for goals, and the man Kevin Blackwell heralded as his January transfer target, Mark Yeates, remains in the fold…

Swansea – the dashing, jet-setting, champagne-drinking Iberian playboy that casually hits on all the wives and girlfriends has gone, off to pillage the birds of Leicester…from what we hear of new gaffer Brendan Rodgers the latent narcissism will still pervade – a Guardian poster recently quipped that the failed Reading boss would marry himself if it were legal…the slick and caressing passing game first introduced by ESPN heartthrob Roberto Martinez shall remain, it’s now the embraced ideology decrees chairman Huw Jenkins, with or without predatory full back Angel Rangel, target of future Championship opponents Blackpool…

Watford – the key for Malky Mackay is the loan market – if big four starlets like Tom Cleverley and Henri Lansbury, or any other of their contemporaries, continue their on-the-job training at Vicarage Road, then perhaps the Hornets can battle for a near-mid table finish…otherwise, the slog could be long and rough…ludicrous prediction: Gareth Southgate will manage this club before the end of the season…

This pre-season ‘feature’ lacks the scope and resources of last time round, but rest assured we thought long and hard about it; questions, quips, and commentary on each Championship club – part one, Barnsley through Leicester:

Barnsley – an unlikely pipeline from South America terminates at Oakwell – the attack-minded Argentinian winger Hugo Colace rejected sexy advances from London to agree a new contract…following him back to off-season training are fellow countryman Jeronimo Morales Neumann, a diminutive striker lured from Estudiantes, along w/ the loan of Diego Arismendi, the Uruguayan international, surplus to immediate Stoke requirements…Mark Robins gets the backing to mould a new side hopeful on cementing a mid-table berth…

Bristol City – Steve Coppell assumes control after a tremendous end to last season under Keith Millen that saw them edge Boro and finish in the top 10…the David James signing represents the biggest shock signing of the off-season – obviously he couldn’t get a tele-working gig elsewhere, making Ashton Gate an attractive alternative for the Devon denizen…also, can Nicky Maynard bag 20 more goals?

Burnley – the only relegated club w/ a decent shout of going straight back up…financial solvency allows for squad continuity, aided by key additions Ross Wallace from Preston and Lee Grant formerly of Sheffield Wednesday…their summer courtship of Hearts winger – and possible Boro target – Andrew Driver wasn’t passionate enough

Cardiff - somehow they continue to receive preferential treatment from HRMC – the winding up order served back in early May was binned after evidence of promised fresh investment from a Malaysian consortium headed by Dato Chan Tien Ghee…it still hasn’t materialised as the club suffer through a stagnant summer, highlighted by the usual frustrations at lack of funds for squad strengthening, as elucidated recently by Michael Chopra…does Dave Jones stick around for another season to patch a fractured and vulnerable side?

Coventry – installed a permanent manager in Aidy Boothroyd…sold Clinton Morrison to Sheffield Wednesday…after recent instability, can the former Watford and Colchester boss instill and inspire a return to modest prosperity?

Crystal Palace – keeping Darren Ambrose whilst successfully navigating administration bother is arguably the coup of the summer…the talismanic winger was atop most Boro wishlists, along w/ other clubs like Celtic and QPR – George Burley was able to woo his former Ipswich player enough to lead a battle for playoff contention…it was expected they’d continue to sell off their best assets, but so far Nathaniel Clyne seems to be the only one assured of a funds-generating move…Julian Speroni stays for now after main admirer Neil Warnock plumped for Paddy Kenny instead

Derby – Nigel Clough did enough this off-season to endanger the squad and potentially invalidate player contracts w/ high-flying cliff diving…passively linked w/ new Celtic striker Gary Hooper during his summer promenade, though one sensed they were never a viable destination…Gary Lineker wannabe Robbie Savage is back to irritate and aggravate for another campaign

Doncaster – a repeat of last year’s success will do just nicely for Sean O’Driscoll’s forward thinking squad…some call it Arsenal-esque, but it has more of the graft and steel required at this level, which makes it something different actually -  call it flowing football with sufficient bite…Billy Sharp has been secured on a permanent basis from Sheffield United – his goals last season kept Rovers relevant, and a fashionable dark horse playoff pick up until a sour patch near the end of the term

Hull  – Nigel Pearson’s appointment was arguably the shock of the summer, trading a perceived glass ceiling at Leicester for the aspirations of rallying and reshaping a tattered, demoted side…Adam Pearson  – no relation that we know of – sure could do with his grit and determination that was a hit w/ Boro fans back in the 90’s…Phil Brown got a bad rap in our book, but his feel-good story devolved into a sad yuckfest forever stamped by the public dressing down at Eastlands on Boxing Day in 2008…and the Jimmy Bullard wank is tireless distraction…

Ipswich – at the end of the day Roy Keane is a fantastic man, but quite possibly a shit gaffer…another stalled start to the season could see him an early favourite for first- manager-sacked honours…meal ticket Connor Wickham is scheduled to miss the first 6 weeks, making the crucial fast start an exceedingly tall task…we’ve them chalked up for an opening loss at the Riverside…

Leeds United – back in the second division of English football after an extended fling w/ League One, the dirty beggars…their ascension does create a spot of Yorkshire derby for Boro, geographically alone now that Newcastle have gone…Jermaine Beckford is off to Everton, but Luciano Becchio, Robert Snodgrass, and Patrick Kisnorbo represent a very good spine when combined with new keeper Kasper Schmeichel…surely a worthy playoff-contention candidate, if not contender for the top two…

Leicester  – the new figure on the on the sidelines may not be as cut and chiseled, but it’s definitely more handsome and fashionable – Paulo Sousa is in for the Foxes after Nigel Pearson’s defection to Humberside…the Portu-geezer inherits a squad capable of his favoured slick-on-the-ground-passing game, allied with an iron will surely still evident despite the change of regime…and no worries about errant French chips in massive penalty shoot-outs; Yann Kermogant has been ordered to fuck off to France to smoke and carouse at AC Arles Avignon…

Do come back for part two featuring inquisitive capsules highlighting Boro and the rest of the Championship field – and if you’re compelled to tell us we’re spouting rubbish, please feel free to comment…

Fucking Newcastle keep winning – their perpetual off-season turmoil may have actually helped galvanise the squad. The personnel embargo limited the movement of potential assets like Kevin Nolan, Steve Harper, Jonas Gutierrez, and Andy Carroll. Throw in the extra grit of Alan Smith, Joey Barton, Danny Guthrie, the wise permanent appointment of caretaker Chris Hughton, and it’s not exactly shocking that the Toon have organised effectively and made short work of their new league thus far. The Geordies have been largely injury-free – it needs to stay that way if they wish to continue their rapid ascent back to the top flight.

Peterborough are convinced Mark Cooper is their man to mount next seasons Championship promotion push. The managing prodigy leaves his post at Conference side Kettering Town to fill the vacancy caused by the divorce between silver-spooned Darren Ferguson and Darragh MacAnthony’s plaything, who for a rich bloke has a shit Wikipedia page… The real estate magnate’s puppets are convinced SAF junior has another gig lined up, in no way influenced by his familial connections, possibly to change the bigarade hue that has ensconced greater Hull for the past 3 years.

Paolo Sousa is devilishly handsome. And he backed Boro for promotion after receiving a 3-0 thrashing from the Teessiders in round 2. We naturally love him, if only because he adequately fills the Mourinho-shaped void in English football. The Jacks own the stingiest defence in the division, and are now unbeaten in 10 straight, elevating to 9^th in the table.

And hasn’t Ian Holloway heard that junk shop clothes will get you nowhere? He was convicted by the Blackpool kangaroo court for either not being punctual, or misplacing his kit, or both? He trudged off to the charity shop for a £12.99 suit to wear for the 4-1 thrashing of schizophrenic Scunthorpe. Speaking of misplacing, seems Robbie Savage has some explaining to do…why show up for an international flight w/ the passport of your missus? Is it a devious murder for hire subplot on the lurid level of Nip/Tuck, or just an honest cock-up expected of a gypsy oaf? He won’t get back on the        flight deck w/ that behaviour…

The league is on hiatus until next Friday – Swansea v Derby to kick off round 17 – we’ll return next week to summarise Boro/Forest, and the rest of the notable and entertaining…