Round 10 results: 6 correct  - 1 perfect scoreline

14 Oct 11

7.45p

Doncaster v Leeds – Keepmoat Stadium

Former Wrexham boss Dean Saunders clearly had a vision for how to start the transformation of a sluggish side stuck to the foot of the table. West Ham defender Herita Ilunga and Wigan keeper Chris Kirkland have joined on loan, French defender Pascal Chimbonda was thrown a short-term contract to help resuscitate his career, and there’s talk of more to come. His tactical model is working a treat too; seven points collected from nine, including an impressive away result procured at Peterborough before the break.

The preponderance of current attention focused on Leeds United does not relate to their much improved form on the pitch, but rather the increasingly murky state of club’s ownership. It’s a tale so turbid it prompts one of the game’s top investigators to cross the media conglomerate divide. All it does is fuel more distaste for the dirty bastards…Donny 2-1 Dirty Leeds

15 Oct 11

3.00p

Bristol City v Peterborough – Ashton Gate

In the end it was time for fresh perspective. Keith Millen resigned his post after long, loyal service to the club. The rumoured candidates to assume his seat are varied: Sean O’Driscoll, Mark Robins, Derek McInnes, Dave Jones, but no Jamo. Disappointing, really – the erudite former England number one oozes managerial nous.

For the Posh, the goals have dried up, and losses have mounted – four defeats in their last six see them near the bottom of the form guide. Also on the rise is the ever-bulging number of football personalities getting punishment for tweeting their minds during fits of passion…Bristol City 1-1 Posh

Burnley v Reading – Turf Moor

The Clarets are finally getting going after a stalled start to the campaign; Charlie Austin and Jay Rodriguez are providing the goals propellant – they’ve already combined for 15 in all competitions. Pushing towards the playoffs will depend heavily on the pair continuing to bulge the net.

01 Oct 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Coventry – Oakwell

The home side are unbeaten in six, with five consecutive draws following a crucial away result at Reading – 8 points from 18 isn’t the sexiest return, however it’s pure enough to keep Keith Hill out of the shit, for now.

Trips for Sky Blues supports more resemble death marches these days: just one point and two goals in the league, never mind the 3-1 beat down doled out by Bury in the league cup…Barnsley 2-0 Coventry

Blackpool v Bristol City – Bloomfield Road

Ian Holloway will have to ogle his new temporary toy, Liverpool midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, from the stands as he serves a one match touchline ban following the invective directed towards the fourth official Tuesday against Coventry.

Chairman Colin Sexstone is detecting the unrest from all corners: the hopelessness broadcast by the tweens on their mobiles and the general ennui from within Ashton Gate. It may be time for a big change, perhaps a new face with fresh ideas who can convert the few existing assets in to a new side capable a returning to the heady days of promotion contention…Blackpool 2-1 Bristol City

Crystal Palace v West Ham – Selhurst Park

Oh those bongo barons are cheeky fuckers. Sure, you’ll take problem child Carlito off of Cit-eh’s hands, back to the bosom of his English football immersion. The overriding suspicion is that Big Sam just wants to cuddle and tickle the little codger, and get recipes for mouthwatering variations of asado.

Palace remain a conundrum, oscillating between superlative, like against Brighton, and absolute shite, similar to the away loss at Doncaster. The exciting pieces are there, and the wonder of Wilfried has now reached the continent…Palace 1-2 West Sam

Hull v Cardiff – KC Stadium

The steady stream of one-nil results has been abated after draws at the dregs of the league. It hasn’t dented the fine form that keeps Big Nige and his charges balls deep in the promotion push.

Cardiff scored an impressive win to dent league leaders Southampton at midweek – Kenny Miller reappeared after an eight game goal drought to bag an important double, both for club fortunes and individual confidence…Hull 1-1 Cardiff

Ipswich v Brighton – Portman Road

The home side don’t just look good on paper anymore. Last weekend at the Riverside Jimmy Bullard, Keith Andrews, Ibrahima Sonko, they all showed some of the inflated promise and skill their wages suggest.

Maybe a spell away from the new ground is in order for Brighton? Six goals shipped in the last two, forcing a slip from the previous clip that saw newly-rewarded Gus Poyet at the very summit…Town 2-2 Brighton

Leeds v Portsmouth – Elland Road

Fifteen goals in the last six, **cough** eleven conceded **cough**, sees Leeds near the top of the form table. The main propellant is Ross McCormack with eight league goals – nine in all comps. Consider the Davide Somma void filled.

Steve Cotterill is already seeing the benefits of new, committed ownership with the loan capture of the better looking Riise brother, Bjorn Helge. It’s subtle on the surface, but infers a certain ambition to actually build a talented squad compromised of desirable players. What a concept…Dirty Leeds 2-1 Pompey

Millwall v Burnley – New Den

It was a dubious end to a monastic period of abstinence, Liam Feeney’s goal getting some slight aid from Lloyd Doyley – either way it ended an embarrassing period that’s put Millwall on the fast track to the bottom.

Jay Rodriguez got a pair in the conflagration over Forest to redress his goal disparity between league and cup. They can kick on here over a bruised and introverted Millwall side, proving Tuesday’s wonder result wasn’t a circumstantial aberration…Millwall 2-3 Burnley

Peterborough v Doncaster – London Road

John Ryan was thinking about changes back in the summer, starting with mascot. The demise of Donny-as-the-darkhorse-darlings was rapid and blunt, forcing an inevitable change. Dean Saunders has imbued a new spirit in his short time as head man – it’s one of many attributes required to scrape this side off the bottom.

Posh boss Lil Ferg is dishing out the praise for hard man Gabby Zakuani, bypassing a broken toe to shine in a recent five game stretch where Peterborough have stemmed the tide of goals conceded ever so slightly…Posh 3-1 Donny

Reading v Middlesbrough – Madejski Stadium

Boro are fucked without Leroy Lita here, no? The Swansea striker was Boro’s best battering ram in seasons past against Reading, who bullied their way to 5-2 romping last time these two met at the Madejski.

Tony Mowbray knows there’s no mini-crisis of confidence after consecutive home nil-nils – Brian McDermott meanwhile is encouraged by the response of his players after a wretched start saw them flirting with disaster…Reading 2-2 Boro

Southampton v Watford – St. Mary’s

Recent slip ups at Burnley and Cardiff have not been enough to dislodge Southampton from its lofty perch – they remain top going in to the weekend thanks to a singular goal difference. St Mary’s provides the comfort of perfection this term: six wins total – four in the league.

Watford are proving sterner competition that what was projected in August, giving early validation to the appointment of Sean Dyche. Some of the creativity sold off in the summer has been replaced with greater discipline, making the Vicarage Road club a thorny test…Southampton 2-1 Watford

5.20p

Leicester v Derby – King Power Stadium

The last four for Sven have been peculiarly economical, with six points gained through a miserly two goals. Sven has never been one to care about how the knickers drop, so long as they ultimately, surrenderingly, do.
The positive, vibrant start by Derby faces it’s test now: can the run be sustained as we head into October? It was near this stage where the threads started to unravel last term – Nigel Clough worked hard and spent well to get men in to prevent a recurrence…Leicester 1-1 Derby

02 Oct 11

3.00p

Nottingham Forest v Birmingham – City Ground

What odds Steve McClaren makes it to Monday? This has boring, reductive 0-0 tattooed all over it. Especially with Birmingham recharging after a great win in Maribor Thursday in Europa League action.

The ingredients for whatever formula the former Boro boss was conjuring when he took the job just are not present – and the recalcitrance and indifference of the Forest board is doing nothing to mollify the situation…Trees 0-0 Brummie Blue

17 Sep 11

12.30p

Millwall v West Ham – New Den

The beat down potential is massive: loads of tasty geezers and two bit thugs doing unspeakable deeds sure to sicken and shame the nation – but enough about the football match being contested – hopefully the supporters can behave somewhat properly to prevent a repeat of previous transgressions – Millwall 1-2 West Sam

1.00p

Nottingham Forest v Derby – City Ground

Another fierce parochial rumble, sans the extracurricular contretemps and fisticuffs – Forest need something that signifies progress under embattled Steve McClaren, while Derby are trying to keep their place in the upper reaches of the table – Trees 1-1 Derby

3.00p

Barnsley v Watford – Oakwell

Tremendous result for Sean Dyche’s side at the Madejski last round, imbuing a faint bit of hope for a club largely expected to hover round the bottom all season – the home side look to capitalise on a display that saw them be the latest side to flummox the promotion favourites at Leicester – Barnsley 1-1 Watford

Blackpool v Cardiff – Bloomfield Road

El Hadji Diouf could be spitting at a ref inside a Champo ground near you soon enough, if the barren rumour mill is anything to go by – the Blackpool board is dangling a decent carrot in front of the wayward forward after his release from Blackburn – well done to Cardiff for doing the business over Doncaster last week in honour of their fallen supporter – ‘Pool 2-2 Cardiff

Crystal Palace v Middlesbrough – Selhurst Park

Boro begin their temporary south London residency with the league tilt against formidable Palace (Carling Cup 3rd round tie between the two here on Tues) – expect various suits, stattos and scouts in the crowd to get an intimate look at new tyro Wilfried Zaha – Palace 0-1 Boro

Hull v Portsmouth – KC Stadium

Barring the Leeds result from last month, Hull have conceded but twice in the league – the parsimonious defence is imperative given the immediate lack of goal punch – the south coasters are a stingy lot too for the most part – don’t forget the cheap and cowardly too – Hull 1-0 Pompey

Leeds v Bristol City – Elland Road

Simon Grayson is absolutely Finnished after acquiring Mikael Forsell and Mika Vayrynen – word has it an enquiry for Teemu Pukki was made too, but he was snatched up by FC Schalke 04 after a dazzling brace while still playing for HJK in the Europa League – entry into the Veikkausliiga isn’t entirely out of the question – Dirty Leeds 2-0 Bristol City

Leicester v Brighton – King Power Stadium

Flaccid, limp, impotent; these aren’t words you generally associate with Sven Goran Eriksson – okay, well maybe in a footballing context you do – Leicester need a big result against the league leaders to keep them, and automatic promotion hopes, in sight – Leicester 1-2 Brighton

Peterborough v Burnley – London Road

Posh had their recent goal parade postponed last week against Hull – based on the positively shit performance from the Clarets last weekend against Boro it’s quite plausible Lil Ferg’s lads are ready to resume their assault on the goals scored column – Posh 2-0 Burnley

Reading v Doncaster – Madejski Stadium

Fucking hell – these two sides have collected a paltry 5 points from 36 – the Doncaster struggles were to be expected – Reading has no business being at this end of the table, meaning the new signings need to congeal, soonish preferably – Reading 3-0 Donny

18 Sep 11

3.00p

Southampton v Birmingham – St. Mary’s

Full marks to Paul Fletcher for the extraneous titling of his recent blog, we totally get it – Saints are absolutely flying under the former Bangor City gaffer as they charge back to where they think they belong – the Brummies were drubbed at home by Braga in the Europa League on Thursday, choosing a convicted woman beater over a recent hat trick hero – priorities, eh? Southampton 4-1 Brummy Blue

19 Sep 11

7.45p

Ipswich v Coventry

Get a jammy draw before the international break, make a stand at the end of the transfer window to retain the services of your most valuable asset, and stuff the early season Derby surge with a surprise result; it’s all suddenly possible now for Andy Thorn and company – things aren’t so magnanimous for his opposite number at the moment as Paul Jewell is freely admitting he doesn’t have a fucking clue – Town 1-1 Sky (High) Blues

Here’s another go for you to mock and lampoon…

10 Sep 11

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Good form by both clubs as they headed into the break: Barnsley picked up 4 points away to Reading and Millwall – Leicester outlasted league leaders Southampton after Bury-ing the Shakers in the Carling Cup – Sven will hope that south Yorkshire is the spot where his aggressive promotion thrust truly begins – Barnsley 0-2 Leicester

Blackpool v Ipswich – Bloomfield Road

The Ipswich goal hemorrhage stopped against limp Leeds, temporarily at least – Blackpool have the application and attacking intent to hang Southampton/Posh type figures on a battered and unsure visiting side, Keith Andrews heroics or not – Blackpool 3-1 Ipswich

Bristol City v Brighton – Ashton Gate

Gus Poyet gets full credit for the league’s most glamorous signing during the transfer window: former Spain international Vicente is drafted in to bamboozle and bedazzle the craggy Championship opposition – Keith Millen’s biggest coup was managing to retain Nicky Maynard and Albert Adomah for a few more months, which is nice – Bristol City 1-2 Brighton

Burnley v Middlesbrough – Turf Moor

From the original #twittersmog: What’s black and red, fast as fuck and on fire?…. Marvin Emnes – Dreadlocked Dynamite snatched player of the month accolades to continue his re-education – the Clarets have a new wing weapon w/ the capture of former West Ham whelp Junior Stanislas – Boro hope to keep the away magic bubbling – Burnley 2-2 Boro

Cardiff v Doncaster – Cardiff City Stadium

Respect to Cardiff for their plans to honour fallen supporter Mikey Dye – rest in peace sir, and godspeed to your loved ones and friends – Cardiff 2-0 Donny

Leeds v Crystal Palace – Elland Road

Awful times for Dirty Leeds supporters: fighting a vile cretin owner who has scant regard for their opinions and contributions on one front, and bemoaning the lack of imagination and ambition in the transfer market on another – letting Max Gradel bid adieu for St Etienne is the latest unforgivable misdeed – Palace aim to build on their positive start and their new found transfer acumen: Chester born striker Antonio Pedroza was snagged for a small fee from Mexican top-flight side Jaguares – great business for a player linked to London’s bigger clubs like Spurs and Chelsea – Leeds 1-1 Palace

Peterborough v Hull – London Road

Spritely striker Martyn Waghorn looks to make his Hull debut – the Leicester loanee is tasked with improving the anemic league goals tally up to this point – Posh have no such problems finding the back of the net, even with former hitman Aaron McLean lining up for Big Nige this time round – Posh 2-1 Hull

Reading v Watford – Madejski Stadium

Battle at the bottom here, at least until new signings Kaspar Gorkss, Joseph Mills and Adam Le Fondre get the hang of the Reading way being forged by Brian McDermott – Watford has a new plaything of their own in Joe Garner, who will be expected to develop a quick working relationship with the magical Marvin Sordell – Reading 2-0 Watford

Southampton v Nottingham Forest – St. Mary’s

‘I’m not quitting’ is a forceful and empowering statement to stifle the baying mobs, unless you’ve only been in the job for 3 months – fucking Forest can’t even get him a company mobile to use from the bench! Southampton 3-0 Trees

West Ham v Portsmouth – Upton Park

Imagine the erection on Allardyce during this one: long punt after long punt, Liam Lawrence getting the shit kicked out of him, and Joey O’Brien following orders to ‘lamp that giant ginger cunt son’ – West Sam 1-0 Pompey

5.20p

Coventry v Derby – Ricoh Arena

What’s more bizarre: Tony Mowbray actually identifying Lucas Jutkiewicz as the primary striker target, or Andy Thorn being a recalcitrant bastard refusing to sell? And save the bullshit about needing the Parkin move from Cardiff to go through first – Coventry 1-3 Derby

11 Sep 11

12.30p

Birmingham v Millwall – St. Andrew’s

Chris Hughton is still trying to tie up a loan for Newcastle headache Nile Ranger – not just to play up front, but to reminisce about the good old promotion days when this league seemed more gentle and innocent – Millwall, meanwhile, carry on in their quest to be the least remarkable side in the top half of the Champo, and Kenny Jackett is all right with that – Birmingham 1-1 Millwall

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

Going up

Leicester: something tells us Sven has one huge – non-sexual – triumph left in him – we all know there’s loads more conquests of the most elusive prey in his future

Cardiff: the man tasked with arresting the annual late-season choke/slide has assembled the best strike tandem in the division: Robert Earnshaw and Kenny Miller could terrorise this league

Playoff contestants

Hull (promoted): Paul McKenna and Dele Adebola – a dual signing with Big Nige’s DNA all over it – McKenna is a warrior, and Adebola presents opposing defences with myriad problems

Blackpool: love the Barry Ferguson signing – not so crazy about losing DJ Campbell and Luke Varney – they should be in the frame just to unsettle the Premier League establishment, threatening to rile the avaricious suits with more brutal candour

Middlesbrough: a full season – with no gaffer drama – under Tony Mowbray is the Boro supporter’s idea of hope and wonderment – a lack of summer transfer activity suggests an onus to be placed on some of the touted kids like Park, Reach, Williams, Franks and others

West Ham: where are Ivan Campo and Stelios? old Bolton mates like Kevin Davies, Matt Taylor, Joey O’Brien and Abdoulaye Faye are waiting for your sign – let’s try, really try, to make it work again

Balls deep in the race

Reading: Matt Mills was flipped for a princely profit – Shane Long could be next – this is Jobi McAnuff’s team now

Portsmouth: stability, that’s what Steve Cotterill provides – and now he can buy players! Luke Varney and David Norris represent quality additions at this level

Leeds: the traffic at Elland Road has been one way: out – Simon Grayson needs reinforcements now with Davide Somma out for an extended period and Luciano Becchio recovering from a pre-season injury

Ipswich: there’s suspiciously optimistic expectations at Portman Road – yeah, Chopra and Stockdale are good signings, but it’s Paul Jewell…

On the faint periphery

Burnley: it might not be so rosy for Eddie Howe now – he’s been told to trim the wage bill of veterans and other valuable assets – Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears, Graham Alexander, Clark Carlisle, they’re all gone – at least Jay Rodriguez remains to occupy the lonely spotlight

Brighton: marquee acquisition Craig Mackail-Smith needs to exceed his modest 10 goal tally last time round in this division – they should be likeable given the myth and beauty of the local area, but the sponsor for their brand new ground are mighty oppressors

Mid-table security

Crystal Palace: a fair few Palace supporters are hoping for a quiet, uneventful, mid-table finish – no administration, no managerial upheaval, just some spirited football

Birmingham: if anyone knows how to kerb relegation turmoil, it’s Chris Hughton – it remains to be seen how much the Hong Kong Phooey sideshow will affect operations

Derby: Nigel Clough slagged off his old players enough that his board got him 8 new ones – getting them to play together like they’ve known each other for years is an entirely different challenge

Nottingham Forest: how soon before a forlorn McClaren realises his title-winning FC Twente side were much better players than this largely-inherited lot?

Uncomfortable for a while

Bristol City: Keith Millen has some talent at his disposal in Nicky Maynard, Albert Adomah and Marvin Elliott – they could help produce a surprising finish…or finance a radical rennovation

Peterborough: Darren Ferguson will win the interview of the season award hands down…cos he’ll be the only nominee – 4 or 5 choice bites promulgating how much better his side were, and how the  scoreline was flattering to the victors

Southampton: looking forward to facing Rickie Lambert to be honest – and the Chamberlain kid, if his old man hasn’t forced a move by then

Cause for serious concern

Watford: congratulations Sean Dyche on your first head job – sorry about flogging our leading scorer from last year…and those creative midfielders – we still have Martin Taylor

Millwall: surely it was impossible to resist cashing in on Steve Morison – replacing his bags of goals will force a few reflective pauses in the Den

Coventry (relegated): still shocked that woman-beater Marlon King turned his back on the club that foolishly threw him a guaranteed lifeline back into football

Barnsley (relegated): Keith Hill looks like a good shout for first to be sacked – there’s nothing sexy or creative about them since Adam Hammill left

Doncaster (relegated): it was a fun ride while it lasted – Rovers will have exhausted their recent relegation elusiveness come April

Saturday

12.30p

Everton v Chelsea – Goodison Park

Suddenly this match becomes an open forum to speculate about when Fernando Torres will finally complete his dream move to the Chavs…1-2

12.50p

Swansea v Leyton Orient – Liberty Stadium

Lost amid Spurs and West Ham’s obsequious pursuit to inhabit the Olympic Stadium is the club with a most convincing geographical right to freely gripe; this is their backyard…how serendipitous would it be for the O’s to nick a win, keep their cup run going, and draw more publicity to their plight? 2-3

1.00p

Aston Villa v Blackburn – Villa Park

The best thing we’ve heard recently: Gary Glitter wants to replace Ged Houllier after learning the Villa strike force could be Young, Bent, and (possibly) Keane…2-0

3.00p

Birmingham v Coventry – St. Andrew’s

Despite progressing to the Carling Cup final Alex MacLeish is in peril; once-promised transfer funds from Hong Kong huckster Carson Yeung haven’t materialized, and league form is slipping to a dangerous standard that seriously jeopardises continued membership in the Prem…2-1

Bolton v Wigan – Reebok Stadium

David Wheater, the new Bolton Boulder, may get his unveiling…Wigan remain a transfer bane – now they want to poach Lethal Leroy Lita…not a fucking chance…3-1

Burnley v Burton Albion – Turf Moor

Shaun Harrad misses out on another opportunity to despatch a high-profile opponent after securing a move to Northampton Town…new Burnley boss Eddie Howe must be torn between embarking on a boosting cup run or engineering a push up into the top six to regain top flight riches…2-0

Sheffield Wednesday v Hereford – Hillsborough

Alan Irvine is another Scot being victimised by his colonial wanker masters…Paul Ince is the hot name to take over if there is upheaval at Hillsborough…1-0

Stevenage v Reading – Broadhall Way

Be on alert Scott Laird – who knows how many birds you’ve wronged in your campaign of heartbreak? 3-2

Torquay v Crawley Town – Plainmoor

Crawley tried to sign Robert Pires…and Dan Walker is a massive supporter…that’s all we’ve got…1-1

Watford v Brighton – Vicarage Road

A pair of high-flying sides that play attractive, enterprising football…Danny Graham and Marvin Sordell comprise arguably the finest upfront tandem in their league…2-0

Southampton v Man Utd – St. Mary’s

Wanted to watch the 1976 FA Cup final edition of his match earlier tonight, but commitments to an early decade political thriller juggernaut overrode it…DVR please? 1-2

Sunday

Arsenal v Huddersfield – Emirates Stadium

Arsenal. Whine. Cesc Fabregas. Yawn. Wenger. Shut the fuck up. 3-0

Wolverhampton v Stoke – Molineaux

Someone remind Mick McCarthy and Tony Pulis that there is no ‘well earned point’ on offer in this one…one of these lot must win, however unfashionably it may be…2-1

Notts County v Man City – Meadow Lane

What could have been a glistening Sven retrospective technically still is, even if the ligonberry lothario won’t truly be there…or maybe he will, the man knows a lot of people…and he never shuts off a totty pipeline…2-2

West Ham v Nottingham Forest – Upton Park

Gary O’Neil will not feature after earlier participation in the event; his free kick at Burton should have been enough to seal progression for Boro…it obviously wasn’t given the fact we’re spectating tomorrow…0-1

Fulham v Tottenham – Craven Cottage

Here’s hoping Niko Kranjcar – degraded and underappreciated by ‘Arry Redknapp – stays in London and pitches up by the river…a really good footballer…1-1

Top Man: fairly self-explanatory; it’s the best player

Star Shaped: implies someone who’s not necessarily the first player you would think about when recalling a particular club, but has important attributes – a star in their play, not profile or name

Best Days: most favourable, and probable, outcome when the season ends

QPR

Top Man: Adel Taarabt – the best player in the division, hands down

Star Shaped: Paddy Kenny

Best Days: champions elect, averaging over 2 points per contest…also on pace for a staggering goal difference redolent of Newcastle and their romp through last season

Cardiff

Top Man: Craig Bellamy

Star Shaped: Seyi Olofinjana – he’s a hulking midfield mastodon…what’s not to like?

Best Days: barring a late season bottle job, they should be promoted as runners-up…playoffs have been an unkind route in years past, so the focus will be on automatic promotion

Norwich

Top Man: Grant Holt

Star Shaped: Leon Barnett – expected to be tied up in a permanent deal from West Brom after a bright loan spell…a real solidifier of the defence

Best Days: injuries mount, testing the resolve of a young, well-drilled side…they’ll be overtaken by a few of the more experienced sides and just miss out on the playoffs

Swansea

Top Man: Scott Sinclair – the itinerant striker is settling nicely with 12 goals in all competitions

Star Shaped: Ashley Williams – Welsh defender with designs on captaining his country and leading a national resurgence under Gary Speed

Best Days: playoff hunters…need to keep scoring goals

Leeds

Top Man: Max Gradel – admittedly his form peaked around late November, and he completely bewilders his coaches and fans alike…a valuable asset if the club were so inclined to cash in now

Star Shaped: Jonathan Howson

Best Days: overachieving so far, thei amazing fire power makes them a favourite on any day, but a porous defence may be their undoing…staying top 10 would still be a major achievement

Watford

Top Man: Danny Graham – enough to make Boro fans wistfully sigh and rue the shortsightedness that allowed this gem to naff off

Star Shaped: Martin Taylor

Best Days: undaunted by opposition or venue…developing into a thrilling, technically gifted side capable of staying in the playoff conversation

Nottingham Forest

Top Man: Lewis McGugan – Forest fans have found a new love after Raddy Majewski…

Star Shaped: Chris Cohen

Best Days: one of the more experienced sides that’s expected to mount a serious run upwards to usurp one of the Leeds/Norwich upstarts…they’ll win the playoff and go up

Reading

Top Man: Jimmy Kebe – bags of pace, capable of a wonder goal at any moment

Star Shaped: Adam Federici

Best Days: too much talent to not seriously contend for a top six spot…can they engineer another sterling run like last year?

Millwall

Top Man: Steve Morison – the big Welsh lad hasn’t had to adjust much to the new division, the new division has had to adjust to him…a menacing goal predator

Star Shaped: David Forde

Best Days: exhilarating start to the campaign has tempered a touch…will still be a tough out for most as they settle in the top half

Burnley

Top Man: Clark Carlisle – dude is smart, and a pretty tidy defender

Star Shaped: Wade Elliott

Best Days: just sacked Brian Laws, and money is a object in these parts, so the new gaffer will have to be more resourceful to keep the Clarets from slipping back to obscurity

Coventry

Top Man: Kieran Westwood – a regular member of the January transfer carousel…Prem clubs are sniffing around

Star Shaped: Aron Gunnarsson

Best Days: their bland route one football bores the pants off most…without some flair and consistency they’ll slide down to a mid-table finish

Leicester

Top Man: Andy King – yeah, it should be a sexier name, but Sven hasn’t been there all that long…eyes are still being cast in more lusty directions while King continues to produce
Star Shaped: Jack Hobbs
Best Days: Sven will always be on the hunt for an exciting hire, be it striker, midfielder, sultry secretary…consistent performances and results will be the only thing to propel them towards the playoffs

Derby

Top Man: Kris Commons

Star Shaped: Robbie Savage – sure, he’s a fucking twat on the pitch…off it his Twitter banter is legendarily funny and fairly insightful

Best Days: fashionable pick for a playoff spot that they should get…this side play breathtaking stuff at times…clean up the mental lapses that saw them let QPR off the hook and commit to full shifts unlike the Forest battering

Doncaster

Top Man: Billy Sharp
Star Shaped: Neil Sullivan – still pushing on, thanks to an early career crash course courtesy of the proper Crazy Gang…unflappable at times, and a terrific steward for a young Doncaster side
Best Days: repeating their high finish from last year isn’t out of the question…Sean O’Driscoll continues to reject the advances of more prestigious clubs to see this thing out

Hull

Top Man: Robert Koren – captain of his country, skillful on the ball, a really complete midfielder
Star Shaped: Andy Dawson
Best Days: new local owners, new funding sources…Matty Fryatt from Leicester and Aaron Mclean of Posh have already been drafted in to give a fresh cutting edge…Big Nige will not steer them back up at the first asking

Barnsley

Top Man: Adam Hammill
Star Shaped: Stephen Foster…making a great name for himself at Oakwell after all those years with Crewe…scored some important goals during the cup tun a few years back, and generally anchors the defence with assuredness
Best Days: if they resist cashing in on Hammill they can stay in a safe position…without the talented whippet expect them to get sucked into relegation talk as May approaches

Bristol City

Top Man: Albert Adomah – a proper tricky winger, playing where Tricky comes from, imagine that?
Star Shaped: Jon Stead – wasn’t a Keano lad and got shipped west for it…a good player who gets involved and asserts himself
Best Days: chairman Steve Landsdown has said staying up is the top priority…consider it job done at the end…just

Portsmouth

Top Man: Liam Lawrence – why we never got in seriously for him we’ll never know…he could have been had for a lousy Gary O’Neil…deadly from set pieces, a real talent
Star Shaped: Michael Brown
Best Days: Steve Cotterill has arrested the expected slide down the divisions on a threadbare squad w/ virtually zero resources…there is plenty on hand to ensure a top 12 finish

Ipswich

Top Man: Grant Leadbitter
Star Shaped: Carlos Edwards
Best Days: loans are expiring, transfer activity is cautious, and Roy’s been relived of his duties…pity he won’t get to stalk the touchline against the big dicks in the nearing cup ties with Chelsea and Arsenal

Middlesbrough

Top Man: Jason Steele – many will argue that starlet Steele is more of a detriment, especially lately…they forget how this academy grad singlehandedly prevented several maulings earlier in the season when we could have shipped anywhere from 5-8 goals
Star Shaped: Julio Arca
Best Days: Boro’s expected battle is taking place at the wrong end of the table…Tony Mowbray insists staying up is the chief concern…(says whilst drunk on foam) a fruitful run can suck Boro upwards to within touching distance of sixth

Sheffield Utd

Top Man: Steve Simonsen – this is a lazy default, no offense to the son a Danish seaman from South Shields
Star Shaped: Nyron Noseworthy
Best Days: lifelong Blades fan Micky Adams arrives from Port Vale to become the third gaffer this season…his threefold plan for long-term stability will be superseded by an immediate dogfight for survival

Crystal Palace

Top Man: Nathaniel Clyne
Star Shaped: Neil Danns – we’ve said for 18 months that Boro could do with a player like this – mature, direct, with pace and good football intellect
Best Days: they’ve some good players, and have navigated the administration bother that shanghaied their last campaign…Burley just got sacrificed, which may wind up helping them given the atrocious nature of his brief reign
Scunthorpe

Top Man: Jonathan Forte
Star Shaped: Josh Wright – young peripatetic whelp is a stalwart in the Iron midfield
Best Days: with no goals from Gary Hooper, or wizardry from Nigel Adkins, a return to League One looks inevitable

Preston

Top Man: this was supposed to be Jon Parkin, then he got sold to Cardiff…then the Man Utd and Stoke loanees were recalled…and Sean St Ledger is really just shit…has to be be new gaffer Phillip ‘Phil’ Brown
Star Shaped: Billy Jones
Best Days: very grim – Little Ferg sacked after Boro loss, gilded loan pipeline shut off by SAF cos of it, and they play terrible football…

Picks with proper sloppy commentary and ill hypotheses return in force!

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Sven looks to continue his resuscitation-with-just-a-bit-of-open-mouth-kissing on Leicester’s flat-lining campaign – a win here would hop the hosts and land conveniently in the crotch of mid table…Adam Hammill is setting hearts aflutter far and wide with his mature, commanding performances…Barnsley 1-1 Leicester

Bristol City v Preston – Ashton Gate

Chairman Steve Landsdown recently announced operating losses in the region of £11m – pack your gear there Jamo and get in that shop window with Marvin Elliott and stay there til the punters arrive! The Lillywhites may be flush in their own dosh if the palaver about Sean St. Ledger is true: Liverpool and Villa are set to joust over the right to abduct the wannabe attacking midfielder defender who irreparably shot David Wheater’s confidence…Bristol City 2-1 Preston

Coventry v Leeds United – Ricoh Arena

Like the crabs you’d get after sleeping with a bird from Coventry, Coventry just will not abate, residing loftily in fourth place – Leeds have lost four of six, shipping 15 goals in that span…reap what ye sow dirty beggars!! Coventry 3-2 Leeds

Doncaster v Millwall – Keepmoat Stadium

Somewhere in a parallel universe there’s an underachieving and disinterested Donny blogger unleashing a Sexual Healy blog post – the Northern Ireland goal hawk has just perched up outside of Sean O’Driscoll’s office to replace the talismanic Billy Sharp on a one month loan from Sunderland…Doncaster 2-2 Millwall

Hull v Scunthorpe – KC Stadium

Talks of a takeover from local businessmen Assem and Ehab Allam have silenced, shrouding the home side in more uncertainty, as if the stuttering start under Nigel Pearson wasn’t enough…Scunthorpe tick along like a classic functioning alcoholic: dependable, regular, and prone to the occasional bout of spasticity…Hull 1-1 Scunthorpe

Middlesbrough v Crystal Palace – Riverside Stadium

Mogga reunites on the touchline with mentor/nemesis George Burley – at least the Boro boss can claim innocence: shit was already fucked up when he arrived, where as his former gaffer is fairly culpable for shackling Palace to the foot of the table…Boro 2-1 Crystal Palace

Norwich v Burnley – Carrow Road

Clarification please on the new football administration accreditation available through the Clarets, with lectures taking place in the stands of Turf Moor: do we end up like Pompey or Palace, or just learn the best way to get clubs into those hopeless positions? Norwich 1-2 Burnley

QPR v Reading – Loftus Road

Rangers have finally been knocked from the top of the heap, but this still constitutes a salivating top six encounter…it seems like only 8 matches or so ago that Reading were the fodder for reigniting the Boro promotion push – now they’ve rocketed into the playoff positions…fucking cunts…QPR 3-1 Reading

Sheff Utd v Ipswich – Bramall Lane

Chris Morgan, the man who gift-wrapped Boro’s win over the Blades earlier this season, is out for the rest of the season – who will Gary Speed get to fill the filthy dirty cunt vacancy? Keano spat another soundbite gem recently; speaking of the dynamism of the loan market the madman proclaimed: sometimes you talk to a bird all night and don’t get her in the taxi…very prophetic…Sheff Utd 0-1 Ipswich

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Thank fucking Christ smogonthetyne now in nunthorpe exorcised his City Ground demons…daft metonymy equating The Trees to Forest completely obliterates our credibility…Watford 4-2 Nottingham Forest

5.20p

Derby v Portsmouth – Pride Park

@robbiesavage8 is a good follow on Twitter…that is if you have a soul-crushing job and clutch the Blackberry to escape the banality of a firewalled, corporate-master sanctioned internet…and for the 1871^st time we bellow: why the fuck did we not move for Liam Lawrence when he was available? Derby 2-1 Portsmouth

Sunday

1.10p

Cardiff v Swansea – Cardiff City Stadium

Our personal favourite derogatory chant involving this lot? Hey, Swansea, leave our sheep alone! (to the tune of Another Brick In The Wall) – hopefully the stewards can collect the change that will pelt linos, the ref, players, rozzers, whoever, to a Coinstar, or the Welsh equivalent…Cardiff 2-1 Swansea