Group A – South Africa, France, Uruguay, Mexico

Winner: France

Runner-up: Uruguay

France embraces the conversion to a 4-3-3, but Djibril Cisse gets the adulation, not Nic or Thierry, by netting pivotal goals that see Les Bleus through – one to sink the hosts in a dream-crushing defeat, and another much more magical, condemning Mexico to a risible finish at the foot of the group…Uruguay ride the fire-power of Forlan and Suarez to a respectable second place…South Africa infatuates ever so briefly, but not even the    pure class of Steven Pienaar can rescue their hopes of advancement, extinguishing the din of the vuvuzela…briefly

Group B – Argentina, Nigeria, Greece, South Korea

Winner: Argentina

Runner-up: Nigeria

Sod the football, consider the culinary smorgasbord: prized Argentine beef fire-roasted to perfection; more, spicier barbeque delights from the Koreans; smart and tasty Mediterranean fare from the skint Greeks; exotic and soulful Nigerian pepper pot…it’ll sound even better after beers in the early desert midweek morning…

Group C – England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia

Winner: England

Runner-up: United States

So folks seem to think the U.S. can spring a surprise, like when Portugal was shocked in 2002…we do agree that the touch-paper could be lit w/ cantankerous starlets like Michael Bradley set to test the limits of Wazza’s temper…it will be the match of the group for sure, though Algeria and Slovenia shouldn’t be overlooked – the former pipped Egypt in an incendiary sudden death showdown in Omdurman, the latter outlasting Russia over two legs in a European qualifying play-off…it’s the second finals appearance for the nascent nation formed only in 1992 after the dissolution of Yugoslavia…

Group D – Germany, Serbia, Ghana, Australia

Winner: Serbia

Runner-up: Ghana

The thinking mans’ group of death; Germany and their ruthless efficiency are a given, however no Michael Ballack will be crippling…Ghana appear the most well rounded of the African contingent – no worries about the Essien absence, Kevin Prince-Boateng shall shine…Australia are like an Asian Ireland-light – plenty of good footballers, but a bewildering dearth of overall quality…Serbia is where it’s at – they’ll top this group, and if you disagree Nemanja Vidic will elbow you in the bonce

Group E – Netherlands, Denmark, Cameroon, Japan

Winner: Netherlands

Runner-up: Denmark

Of course the Dutch are stunningly sexy with their terrific kits and regal, attacking football…we’re coming around on Denmark though, if only because we must be a closet Nicklas Bendtner fan…exceptional skill for a hunky oaf – and he bangs top Danish socialites too…Cameroon and kamikaze Japan are entertaining filler too…they’ll both indulge the Dutchies and spray some goals around

Group F – Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia

Winner: Paraguay

Runner-up: Italy

Slovakia topped their group, as tepid as it was, but Paraguay impressed highly in CONMEBOL qualification…even without talisman Salvador Cabanas unavailable due to gunshot-to-the-head knack, we like Guaranies chances…Santa Cruz and Cardozo are more than capable to conjure goals…Italy will creak through with discomforting ease…and we’re modifying that old All Blacks top into a football appropriate garment, replete w/ a Killen – 10 emblazoned haphazardly on the back

Group G – Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea

Winner: Brazil

Runner-up: Portugal

Sven says no one is talking about North Korea…they play good football contends the lothario…you’re not in Pyongyang anymore man, and they can’t get to you! Didier Drogba’s mangled elbow tonks any chance the Ivorians had…Brazil and Portugal will use this occasion as a recital for the latter stages…and not even the gun-toting despotic Kim Jong-il in a lone striker role can propel the testy, ill-informed comrades to any semblance of happiness or glory

Group H – Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras

Winner: Spain

Runner-up: Switzerland

Naturally Spain will boss this – never mind about any perceived Cesc distractions…svengali Wenger has the lad’s future sorted, however sex trade-related and pederast that sounds…the assembly line of talent at Del Bosque’s disposal doesn’t even have room for Marcos Senna for fucks sake! Chile are feared to be swashbuckling w/ Bielsa’s vaunted 3-3-1-3, but without a Humberto Suazo ballast their hopes could crumble fail faster than a top kill maneuver…and Honduras just being here is plenty to salve the political strife, whatever the method/medium…the fact it’s an almighty global football carnival is merely a generous bonus…

Feel free to add your own pithy commentary…next we sort the knockout stages and crown the first champion on fertile African soil

Gaz has earned notable commendations from Arsene Wenger, and even Thierry Henry suggested the panacea for Barcelona to unlock Manchester Utd during the Champions League in 2008: play like Boro (after the sizzling 2-2 draw that offered the brightest glimpse of Alves’ talents). You’d think a principled and generally respected young manager would be recalcitrant to work under such tight constrictions…full credit to him for not exploiting it as an excuse for circumstances leading to the current position. For now, the rancor is a bit muted – winning will breed that. There’s still a chance to get it right, but when you say that it’s your job to manage the club through crisis you cannot alienate and become adversarial.

After the break, Boro get an immediate chance to right recent home wrongs: visits from Watford and Derby County in a 3 day spell. Just 7 out of 15 points collected so far at the Riverside this season – future consistency and success is going to be based on home form between now and May. How many teams out there rake over 70% of points available away points? And any machinations of Andy O’Brien and/or Nigel Reo-Coker will go unfulfilled – Bolton won’t loan their centre-half and Villa rubbished any reports of the pugilistic midfielder moving north east.