• On a day of global protest it was West Ham emerging the most assiduous sansculottes as they staged #OccupyBlackpoolsbox

• Boro got bumped to third after a worrisome draw at home to a limited Millwall side…the cacophony of boos hurled towards the home side at full time was bang out of order

• Jem Karacan – a late sub for the injured midfielder Jay Tabb – struck in the 9th minute of stoppage time to help Reading stay unbeaten and nick a win at Turf Moor

• Southampton stayed top through a Rickie Lambert leveler at Pride Park…the result more harsh on the hosts who slip to fourth

• Wilfried Zaha, stripling supreme, secured a precious away win for Crystal Palace at Vicarage Road

• Impressive Sunday showing for Birmingham, ending Leicester’s unbeaten run with a comprehensive 2-0 victory at St. Andrew’s

• Leeds made it a long weekend round Doncaster way as they roughed up the home side on their way to superb 3-0 beat down…Andy Keogh and Ross McCormack contributed to what Simon Grayson termed ‘a very good performance’

Quick Picks for Midweek Round Twelve

Barnsley 0-0 Burnley
Ipswich 2-0 Portsmouth
Leeds 3-1 Coventry
Millwall 1-2 Brighton
Nottingham Forest 1-2 Middlesbrough
Peterborough 3-3 Cardiff
Southampton 2-1 West Ham
Blackpool 3-1 Doncaster
Crystal Palace 2-0 Bristol City
Reading 2-2 Derby
Leicester 5-1 Watford

23 Sep 11

7.45p

Brighton v Leeds – Falmer

Two losses to top flight opposition in the Carling Cup between the two leads up to this Friday night feast – Brighton showed some real bravura in standing up to Liverpool, while Leeds meekly rolled over against visiting Manchester United – saving the bigger ordnance for the league Simon? Brighton 2-0 Dirty Leeds

24 Sep 11

3.00p

Birmingham v Barnsley – St. Andrew’s

The big result over Millwall seems like ages ago, and Chris Wood might not be around much longer to provide consistent firepower – the shit Blues form is permeating all competitions: a tonking from Southampton in the league, humiliation against Braga at home in the Europa League, and a predictable exit from the league cup courtesy of Manchester City – Barnsley, level on points and goal difference, are just trying to grind out results wherever they can – Brummie 1-1 Barnsley

Bristol City v Hull – Ashton Gate

Fuck the Premier League, Hull want to get promoted to Serie A circa the mid-seventies; 1-0, 0-1, 1-0, 5 scored, 6 conceded – it’s enough to sport a massive tent in your Diesel’s – Bristol City still have Nicky Maynard, so anything is possible we suppose – Bristol City 0-1 Hullona

Burnley v Southampton – Turf Moor

Eddie Howe is so desperate to change the current identity of his side he’s recalled a dude who has changed his: Andre Bikey is now Andre Amougou – apparently he needed another 25 years or so before deciding to take the full family name – he’s still a hard bastard who can hopefully help derail the surging Saints on their fast-track to the top – Burnley 1-2 Southampton

Coventry v Reading – Ricoh Arena

Seems normal service has resumed for the home side after a collectively anonymous performance at Portman Road last Monday – Reading pushed themselves further away from the murky bottom with a comprehensive drubbing of the ostensible whipping boys from Doncaster – Coventry 0-2 Reading

Derby v Millwall – Pride Park

A point is point and all, but sooner or later Millwall have to do something they have not done in the league for five weeks: find the back of the opposition’s fucking net – the large-scale remodel overseen by Nigel Clough in the off season looks to be a hit, especially after getting the best of their rivals at the other end of Brian Clough Way – Derby 3-1 Millwall

Doncaster v Crystal Palace – Keepmoat Stadium

Dougie Freedman heaped on the Boro praise after the league cup tie on Tuesday, and we’re giving it right back: if Palace can hold on to Sean Scannell, Jonathan Williams and Wilfried Zaha they will get promoted within 2-3 years – Doncaster 1-2 Palace

Middlesbrough v Ipswich – The Riverside

Injury to Ibrahima Sonko means Paul Jewell will have to field his seventh different centre back pairing – that excess moisture round Hurworth isn’t precipitation, it’s drool from Dreadlocked Dynamite and the Aussie livewire Scott McDonald – Boro 2-0 Town

Portsmouth v Blackpool – Fratton Park

The new owners down south seem lick nice blokes, in a menacing Putin-esque type way – they vow to improve everything at the club, from bogs all the way up to squad investment, spelling an end to the seemingly endless turmoil surrounding a once stable club – CSI: Pompey 1-1 ‘Pool

West Ham v Peterborough – Upton Park

This may cause a ruction in the filthy lovefest that is Big Sam hearts Big Ferg – it’s win/win really for the Hammers boss; go easy on Posh and Lil Ferg to demonstrate your compassion for the children of friends, or savage the fuck out of them to show you have the mind of an assassin and heart of a Republican – West Sam 3-2 Posh

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Gruesome injury suffered by deputy left back Chris Cohen last weekend – he’s out for up to 12 months, bringing more instability to a position that was never really stable in the first place – just ask Billy Davies – Watford 1-0 Trees

25 Sep 11

1.15p

Cardiff v Leicester – Cardiff City Stadium

Christ, these two should move in together – this is the eighth time they’ve battled since the 2009/10 campaign – the love runs so deep that they even went to penalties at midweek in the league cup – maybe some time apart after this one you crazy kids, okay? Cardiff 2-2 Leicester

Round 5 picks for the Championship:

27 Aug 11

3.00p

Brighton v Peterborough – Falmer Stadium (sponsors name shall not be spoken here…ever)

Good start from these two promoted sides – 20 goals scores combined could mean a hot orgy of scoring action – former Posh striker Craig Mackail-Smith  is positively itching to deliver the money shot over his old muckers, the dirty boy – Brighton 3-1 Posh

Crystal Palace v Blackpool – Selhurst Park

Don’t really give a shit about the result, I just want something to happen that makes Ian Holloway erupt into an amusing post-match tirade…it’s been entirely too long – Palace 1-2 Blackpool

Derby v Burnley – Pride Park

Apparently there was some gypo cunt retarding Nigel Clough’s progress the past few years – the home side have flew out of the blocks to improbably match Southampton’s perfect start – Burnley are still seeking their first win, ostensibly cos Jay Rodriguez is scoring all his goals in the league cup – Derby 2-1 Burnley

Doncaster v Bristol City – Keepmoat Stadium

Could be Nicky Maynard’s final bow for City – Leicester provides a feasible escape route from the shitstorm Keith Millen’s men have embarked upon – at least one these two is going down – Donny 1-1 Bristol City

Hull v Reading – KC Stadium

Royals are reeling: dumped from the cup by Charlton at midweek, and consecutive league setbacks against Burnley and Pompey – is Latvian international Kaspars Gorkss the solution for a Matt Mills-shaped conundrum? Big Nige has problems of his own, but at least they no longer include Jimmy Fucking Bullard – Hull 1-2 Reading

Ipswich v Leeds – Portman Road

Paul Jewell engaged in some retail therapy this week after Peterborough pulled their pants down and fondled them for the better part of 90 minutes: Bullard was rescued from Hull, defender Ibrahima Sonko signed after a successful trial, and, in a nod to former boss Roy Keane, Irish striker Daryl Murphy arrived from Celtic – it’s a Leicester-lite thing awaiting long-suffering Leeds – haven’t had a decent erection since reading Ken Bates’ suppositions on sexual congress – Town 2-2 Dirty Leeds

Leicester v Southampton – King Power Stadium

There is a silver-haired bespectacled sexy bitch on top of the Champo, and he doesn’t use broken English to drop knickers – physio-turned-Saints-saviour Nigel Adkins can not only snatch the snatch, he’ll pilfer the points – Leicester 2-3 Southampton

Middlesbrough v Coventry – Riverside Stadium

He’s the Hustle From Brussels – Faris Fucking Haroun – the new Belgian international import has a crucial role to play in the hole with the absence of Scott McDonald and Merouane Zemmama – Boro are absolutely brimming with confidence after an unbeaten start – Andy Thorn, one of the nicest men in this sick, twisted existence of football, is tasked with leading the latest sacrificial offering – the poor bloke won’t make it til Christmas – Boro 3-0 Coventry

Millwall v Barnsley – New Den

Massive result for the Tykes at Reading last round – toothless and timid in attack, Keith Hill has drafted in some creative class with the loan captures of Danny Drinkwater and Cameron Park, from Manchester United and Middlesbrough respectively – so far, the damaging effect of Steve Morison’s vacated firepower has been minimal – 6 different players have netted in all competitions to foster a healthy variety of celebrations – Millwall 2-0 Barnsley

Portsmouth v Cardiff – Fratton Park

Cracks and fissures in the Cardiff renovation under Malky Mackay? Beastly Jon Parkin took to Twitter, venting frustrations at lack of football opportunities…and food/small animals – Pompey are striving to be the Paraguay of the Championship: don’t concede, don’t score – Pompey 0-1 Cardiff

28 Aug 11

1.15p

Nottingham Forest v West Ham – City Ground

‘Aldershot? Aldershit more like. Cunts.’ - that is the genius of notBigSam – the world is a richer place with his progressive social commentary and slice-of-life musings – Forest can fuck right off too – Trees 0-0 West Sam

3.00p

Watford v Birmingham – Vicarage Road

2 for and 7 conceded at this juncture is bad harbinger – add to that a Carling Cup exit at Bristol Rovers and Sean Dyche is in the shit – the Brummies found some optimism with a comprehensive 3-0 thrashing of Nacional in the Europa League – winger Nathan Redmond, so good in the first 45 mins at Boro, staking his claim to be one of the next starlets of England’s second flight – Watford 1-1 Brummie Blue

This doesn’t mean we’re completely disconnected. Check out @barcuicci on Twitter for real-time updates, reaction, and commentary on all Boro matches that we follow on BBC Tees via Boro+ at the official club site.

Thank you for your patience…

Here are our notes on the action, distilled from the rave-y cocktail of live streaming audio, orderly real-time blog chaos, and existential social networking banter…

Boro experiment with a 3-5-2: Steele, McMahon, Davies, Hines, Grounds, Bennett, Bailey (c), Arca, Taylor, Lita, McDonald. Subs: Ripley, Park, Smallwood, Halliday, Boyd, Zemmama, Haas

Andrew Davies, fresh in on loan until the end of the season from Stoke, goes straight into the heart of an previously untried defence. Barry Robson misses out through injury – Marvin Emnes travelled across the North Sea back to Holland for a family medical emergency. Nicky Bailey takes the armband in the absence of the captain and vice-captain.

1^st half

• Lively Millwall start – a few quick corners, then a decent chance for goal hawk Steve Morison that goes wide – 4 mins
• Ref – Chris Sarginson (Staffordshire)
• Leroy Lita enjoying a decent opening: a free header directed well wide early on, then a run in on David Forde halted by an awful first touch. At the moment he’s the only striker we’ve got who can consistently mix it up and cause headaches for the opposition
• Last 31 in the series: Boro 14W 6D 11L
• Neil Harris strikes in the 14^th min – simple, harmless ball over the top, allowing the old head to get around Davva and half-volley past Jason Steele…Millwall 1-0 Boro
• Steve Morison: bargain of the decade in this league after being plucked from Stevenage
• Boro have seen a decent amount of the ball, but the touches/movement have been benign – Millwall are gaining possession, turning up field, and attacking our goal directly
• Great play Julio Arca; a terrific burst forward, unlocking LL. It’s another heavy touch as he rounds the keeper, forcing him to steer too wide, and giving the defence time to cut down the space
• James Henry is miles ahead of anyone else on the pitch this first half. He’s marshalling this effort to constantly assault and disrupt the visitors
• twitter despatch from @keithlambmfc: new old signing andrew davies has made a massive difference, we’ve conceded in the first half now!! #Boro
• Millwall have conceded just 6 goals in their last 15 at the New Den

HT Millwall 1-0 Boro

It’s a marvel that this is still 1-0; Millwall have had loads of possession and chances. Boro have had chances too – it’s not as one-way as it seems: Arca has fashioned a few openings with inventive passes…Leroy Lita is seeing chance after chance evade him with heavy touches and poor finishing

Adjusting to the new system harshly – Bennett is getting called out of position by the bench, Hines is getting terrorized by Morison and Harris. Can we afford to stick with this in the second half?

2^nd half

• Attendance – 11871 (878 Boro)
• Arca booked for dissent 8 mins into 2^nd half. In an effort to protect him, and his club, Tony Mowbray introduces Merouane Zemmama for the Argentine
• Millwall: one double over Boro in 1967-68
• Tony, Tony McMahon!! Fantastic free kick from 30 yards – great work from Scott McDonald to earn the opportunity…Millwall 1-1 Boro
• End to end, breathless stuff – right after the restart Jason Steele produces a world class save to keep it level…60 mins
• Scott McDonald stamps a remarkable turnaround…terrific ball from Zemmama after his dance on the edge of the box…inspired change by Mogga…Millwall 1-2 Boro
• Fans, missiles, rozzers, stewards; they are all on the pitch…obvious mind games from the smart Millwall supporters, thwarting Boo’s momentum… Chris Sarginson consults with his crew, some of the security staff, and the gaffers whilst contemplating pulling the players off…it can’t end like this!
• Boro seeking first win at Millwall since 1973
• Kenny Jackett brings on a late-match magician…Kevin Lisbie – on loan from Ipswich (7^th diff loan club) – the nomad has come up large with late goals in each of Millwall’s last two matches
• Here comes the surge: Hameer Bouazza picks his spot masterfully after a questionable foul leads to the set piece…Millwall level it 2-2 with 13 mins to play…grandstand finish on our hands
• Lethal Leroy Lita!! This was a chance her couldn’t possible fuck up: astonishing control on the flank from Zemmama, creating enough space to deliver a pinpoint cross. LL made no mistake with his finish… Millwall 2-3 Boro…8 mins to play
• 6 goals in 2 matches…this is an explosion
• adidas should make Leroy Lita a onesie – there simply has to be a remedy to his natural inclination to rip off the top after a goal
• Davva giving himself a concussion with seemingly dozens of desperate headers
• 6 mins added courtesy of the yobs and their shenanigans

GG MOM – Andrew Davies

FT Millwall 2-3 Boro

Took some doing, but Boro finally kicked on in the second half – to come here and get all three points is massive. The mettle displayed to hold on and see this out, after last weeks’ meltdown, is a tremendous confidence builder…

Zemmama had a go at the Dockers Stand during the kerfuffle – Ali offers a terse explanation for his desire to get involved: ’it gets tasty in Marrakesh’. His addition added a new dimension, a spark of creativity and energy that kick-started our attack. Two assists in a relief appearance; he looks a natural for that dynamic role behind two strikers.

Tunnel reaction with Tony Mowbray: pretty draining result – through the intensity of the match you could easily see why they’ve won 6 on the trot at home – Davva: he’s in because he’s done the work, training with the club over the winter holidays – he can help us – a leader on the pitch – disappointed with the first half, but somewhat expected given the required adjustments – had a few words about what is was like to be a footballer in this league – demand the character and composure necessary to improve the overall fortunes – Zemmama: this why he’s here – genuine quality, class with the ball – ref was committed to removing the players from the pitch; we just needed the match finished – hopefully this result is a great bonding exercise for the young defenders

Andrew Davies triumphantly returns: eventful affair – first real competitive game in 4 months – the type of match where the youthful defending was under serious scrutiny – really just wants a chance to play regular football – 1 Prem match in 3 seasons at Stoke – ‘if I’m in a Middlesbrough shirt I’ll always give my best’ – ‘I just wanna do well for everyone’

Standard straight talk from Tony McMahon: ‘I’ll talk about the goal all day if you want’ – smashed it in, may never score another one like it – everyone is buzzing – didn’t deal well with their early-and-often pressure – team answered the gaffer’s questions from half time – redeeming performance from Jason Steele too – referee handled the transgressions well – Davva had a hard time at Stoke, ‘nightmare 2 years’ – he’ll win headers, lead the team, and give it his all

New foreign folk hero Merouane Zemmama: really enjoyed the game – fans created a special atmosphere – spirit in the ground generates enthusiasm between the players – heard prior to the match that Millwall was an ‘aggressive’ place

Saturday – 19 Feb 11

1230p

Chelsea V Everton – Stamford Bridge R4R (winner hosts Reading in R5 01 Mar 11)

Carlito has gone and thrown in towel – the one John Terry conveniently dropped whilst parading the halls during the visit of the new number 9’s wife hospitality tour of the Bridge – for the league title race, and Frank Lampard is the latest to reveal similarly dashed dreams…Everton look to exact a measure of revenge for the 2009 final…1-2

300p

Birmingham v Sheffield Wednesday – St. Andrew’s

A gaggle of ginger gaffers in the respective technical areas…when was the last time that happened? The hosts would surely trade one of these cup runs – they’re in the Carling Cup final already v Arsenal – for league stability…for Wednesday, any type of sustained success will do as they tread perilously in League One, a mere 5 points above another relegation trapdoor…1-0

Stoke v Brighton – Brittania Stadium

#freethebigsam! No longer will we burst out loud at proclamations that one Rory Delap thrown missile accomplishes what 14 Xavi prescient passes do…expect Tony Pulis to release the hounds and unleash some pain on the lower level table-toppers…Gus Poyet may want to park this seaside revolution firmly in the Championship, and no further, if this is what life at the top is like…2-1
515p

Man Utd v Crawley Town – Old Trafford

Crawley Town will not just showing up with their hair parted, suited and booted, to collect a massive check – 9000 or so supporters will sojourn northwest to flood the Theatre of Dreams…afterward they may just be grateful for the day out, and the large-ish check…come on United, there is nobility in helping those less fortunate achieve great things…3-0

Sunday – 20 Feb 11

200p

Man City v Notts County – City of Manchester Stadium R4R (winner hosts Aston Villa in R5 02 Mar 11)

In the blue half of Manchester they’ll go mad for a continued cup run, and an unlikely double is entirely conceivable…Roberto Mancini knows one brand of football currently: isolate Carlos Tevez from his mates waaaaay up front, making him work really hard to get touches on the ball…it works most of the time…3-1
300p

Fulham v Bolton – Craven Cottage

Fulham absolutely shit-hammered Spurs in the last round; risible defending, a sending off, two early penalties, it was over well before half time with Tottenham players having the comport of a soon-to-be-whacked guido digging his own grave…Owen Coyle will get a nice long look at what roughly £3m buys you in the lower reaches of the Championship – David Wheater looks to continue deputising for a sidelined Zat Knight…the Redcar lad introduced himself to Bolton back-up keeper Adam Bogdan with a dodgy half-clearance directed towards his own goal…yep…2-1

430p

Leyton Orient v Arsenal – Brisbane Road

Yes, Arsenal have now demonstrated the requisite spirit for a multi-pronged attack on various silverware, who gives a toss? Leyton Orient are on their way to becoming cultural refugees, the Olympic and football lobbies conspiring to encroach on hallowed, spoken-for territory…the full house and TV dosh should brighten the spirit a bit, in only temporarily…1-3

Monday – 21 Feb 11

800p

West Ham v Burnley – Upton Park

Avram Grant undoubtedly has the empirical experience of dragging a relegation-threatened side to a cup final, but Eddie Howe brings the youthful exuberance and conviction that’s imbuing Turf Moor, confirming what a smart and shrewd hire it was to replace Brian Laws…neither have much to lose, suggesting a possible goal orgy…4-3

Saturday

12.30p

Everton v Chelsea – Goodison Park

Suddenly this match becomes an open forum to speculate about when Fernando Torres will finally complete his dream move to the Chavs…1-2

12.50p

Swansea v Leyton Orient – Liberty Stadium

Lost amid Spurs and West Ham’s obsequious pursuit to inhabit the Olympic Stadium is the club with a most convincing geographical right to freely gripe; this is their backyard…how serendipitous would it be for the O’s to nick a win, keep their cup run going, and draw more publicity to their plight? 2-3

1.00p

Aston Villa v Blackburn – Villa Park

The best thing we’ve heard recently: Gary Glitter wants to replace Ged Houllier after learning the Villa strike force could be Young, Bent, and (possibly) Keane…2-0

3.00p

Birmingham v Coventry – St. Andrew’s

Despite progressing to the Carling Cup final Alex MacLeish is in peril; once-promised transfer funds from Hong Kong huckster Carson Yeung haven’t materialized, and league form is slipping to a dangerous standard that seriously jeopardises continued membership in the Prem…2-1

Bolton v Wigan – Reebok Stadium

David Wheater, the new Bolton Boulder, may get his unveiling…Wigan remain a transfer bane – now they want to poach Lethal Leroy Lita…not a fucking chance…3-1

Burnley v Burton Albion – Turf Moor

Shaun Harrad misses out on another opportunity to despatch a high-profile opponent after securing a move to Northampton Town…new Burnley boss Eddie Howe must be torn between embarking on a boosting cup run or engineering a push up into the top six to regain top flight riches…2-0

Sheffield Wednesday v Hereford – Hillsborough

Alan Irvine is another Scot being victimised by his colonial wanker masters…Paul Ince is the hot name to take over if there is upheaval at Hillsborough…1-0

Stevenage v Reading – Broadhall Way

Be on alert Scott Laird – who knows how many birds you’ve wronged in your campaign of heartbreak? 3-2

Torquay v Crawley Town – Plainmoor

Crawley tried to sign Robert Pires…and Dan Walker is a massive supporter…that’s all we’ve got…1-1

Watford v Brighton – Vicarage Road

A pair of high-flying sides that play attractive, enterprising football…Danny Graham and Marvin Sordell comprise arguably the finest upfront tandem in their league…2-0

Southampton v Man Utd – St. Mary’s

Wanted to watch the 1976 FA Cup final edition of his match earlier tonight, but commitments to an early decade political thriller juggernaut overrode it…DVR please? 1-2

Sunday

Arsenal v Huddersfield – Emirates Stadium

Arsenal. Whine. Cesc Fabregas. Yawn. Wenger. Shut the fuck up. 3-0

Wolverhampton v Stoke – Molineaux

Someone remind Mick McCarthy and Tony Pulis that there is no ‘well earned point’ on offer in this one…one of these lot must win, however unfashionably it may be…2-1

Notts County v Man City – Meadow Lane

What could have been a glistening Sven retrospective technically still is, even if the ligonberry lothario won’t truly be there…or maybe he will, the man knows a lot of people…and he never shuts off a totty pipeline…2-2

West Ham v Nottingham Forest – Upton Park

Gary O’Neil will not feature after earlier participation in the event; his free kick at Burton should have been enough to seal progression for Boro…it obviously wasn’t given the fact we’re spectating tomorrow…0-1

Fulham v Tottenham – Craven Cottage

Here’s hoping Niko Kranjcar – degraded and underappreciated by ‘Arry Redknapp – stays in London and pitches up by the river…a really good footballer…1-1

Picks with proper sloppy commentary and ill hypotheses return in force!

Saturday

3.00p

Barnsley v Leicester – Oakwell

Sven looks to continue his resuscitation-with-just-a-bit-of-open-mouth-kissing on Leicester’s flat-lining campaign – a win here would hop the hosts and land conveniently in the crotch of mid table…Adam Hammill is setting hearts aflutter far and wide with his mature, commanding performances…Barnsley 1-1 Leicester

Bristol City v Preston – Ashton Gate

Chairman Steve Landsdown recently announced operating losses in the region of £11m – pack your gear there Jamo and get in that shop window with Marvin Elliott and stay there til the punters arrive! The Lillywhites may be flush in their own dosh if the palaver about Sean St. Ledger is true: Liverpool and Villa are set to joust over the right to abduct the wannabe attacking midfielder defender who irreparably shot David Wheater’s confidence…Bristol City 2-1 Preston

Coventry v Leeds United – Ricoh Arena

Like the crabs you’d get after sleeping with a bird from Coventry, Coventry just will not abate, residing loftily in fourth place – Leeds have lost four of six, shipping 15 goals in that span…reap what ye sow dirty beggars!! Coventry 3-2 Leeds

Doncaster v Millwall – Keepmoat Stadium

Somewhere in a parallel universe there’s an underachieving and disinterested Donny blogger unleashing a Sexual Healy blog post – the Northern Ireland goal hawk has just perched up outside of Sean O’Driscoll’s office to replace the talismanic Billy Sharp on a one month loan from Sunderland…Doncaster 2-2 Millwall

Hull v Scunthorpe – KC Stadium

Talks of a takeover from local businessmen Assem and Ehab Allam have silenced, shrouding the home side in more uncertainty, as if the stuttering start under Nigel Pearson wasn’t enough…Scunthorpe tick along like a classic functioning alcoholic: dependable, regular, and prone to the occasional bout of spasticity…Hull 1-1 Scunthorpe

Middlesbrough v Crystal Palace – Riverside Stadium

Mogga reunites on the touchline with mentor/nemesis George Burley – at least the Boro boss can claim innocence: shit was already fucked up when he arrived, where as his former gaffer is fairly culpable for shackling Palace to the foot of the table…Boro 2-1 Crystal Palace

Norwich v Burnley – Carrow Road

Clarification please on the new football administration accreditation available through the Clarets, with lectures taking place in the stands of Turf Moor: do we end up like Pompey or Palace, or just learn the best way to get clubs into those hopeless positions? Norwich 1-2 Burnley

QPR v Reading – Loftus Road

Rangers have finally been knocked from the top of the heap, but this still constitutes a salivating top six encounter…it seems like only 8 matches or so ago that Reading were the fodder for reigniting the Boro promotion push – now they’ve rocketed into the playoff positions…fucking cunts…QPR 3-1 Reading

Sheff Utd v Ipswich – Bramall Lane

Chris Morgan, the man who gift-wrapped Boro’s win over the Blades earlier this season, is out for the rest of the season – who will Gary Speed get to fill the filthy dirty cunt vacancy? Keano spat another soundbite gem recently; speaking of the dynamism of the loan market the madman proclaimed: sometimes you talk to a bird all night and don’t get her in the taxi…very prophetic…Sheff Utd 0-1 Ipswich

Watford v Nottingham Forest – Vicarage Road

Thank fucking Christ smogonthetyne now in nunthorpe exorcised his City Ground demons…daft metonymy equating The Trees to Forest completely obliterates our credibility…Watford 4-2 Nottingham Forest

5.20p

Derby v Portsmouth – Pride Park

@robbiesavage8 is a good follow on Twitter…that is if you have a soul-crushing job and clutch the Blackberry to escape the banality of a firewalled, corporate-master sanctioned internet…and for the 1871^st time we bellow: why the fuck did we not move for Liam Lawrence when he was available? Derby 2-1 Portsmouth

Sunday

1.10p

Cardiff v Swansea – Cardiff City Stadium

Our personal favourite derogatory chant involving this lot? Hey, Swansea, leave our sheep alone! (to the tune of Another Brick In The Wall) – hopefully the stewards can collect the change that will pelt linos, the ref, players, rozzers, whoever, to a Coinstar, or the Welsh equivalent…Cardiff 2-1 Swansea

If we’re to believe Steve Gibson – and frankly there’s no reason not to – one can’t help feel a little sorry for Gordon Strachan. It’s the ‘mark of the man’ that he walked away, offering a resignation and surrendering any claim to compensation by tearing up his contract. A small remuneration for all the torturing disappointment endured by the fans, allowing all interested parties to move on from an ill-conceived decision the club now say they got all wrong. The owner, and proud lifelong diehard, gets another chance to make an impact appointment – are the previous aberrations of wet rookie and sour, atavistic Scot the new norm, or does he have another wonderstrike in him?

Prognostication shifts primarily to able gaffers. Last time round netted five results right – one perfect score. More robust match previews will return once this madness abates…

Bristol City 1-2 Reading

Burnley 2-0 Barnsley

Coventry 1-3 Cardiff

Doncaster 2-2 Derby

Hull 2-0 Sheffield Utd

Leeds 3-1 Leicester

Millwall 3-0 Portsmouth

Norwich 2-0 Crystal Palace

The Trees 1-1 Middlesbrough

Preston 1-0 Scunthorpe

Swansea 1-1 QPR

Watford 2-1 Ipswich

The bonus we failed to initially see amidst the miasma: we’re tastily unencumbered for the spectacle…booze can flow as freely as she pleases…and this will be an unfiltered platform completely unfit for the fastidious confines of hippie journalism.

For context, the draft consists of: the country you support, relationship to it, why you’re fit, and how will your squad do…

United States

Citizen

2006 was my Year Zero. The WC just ended and the thirst for sport, culture and fraternity unlike any other coarsed through me, leading to an unlikely alignment w/ Middlesbrough FC.

The joy derived in the last four years has been exhilarating – countless hours spent banging and clicking away to minute-by-minutes and clockwatches covering everything from European championships/African Cup of Nations/Champions League/Uefa-Europa League/top Prem tussles and relegation rumbles. And that’s just a fraction of what’s consumed daily. I’ve regained the journalistic spark that was thought to have burned out long ago.

Allow me to provide desert-tinged colour, to augment the fans’ network, to assist The Guardian in proffering the best, most diverse coverage of world’s premier sporting event.

What constitutes success for the US this time around? There certainly aren’t the inflated expectations that may have hindered performances in Germany.

Qualification appeared easy and to the preferred script, but the top spot out of CONCACAF was secured in jammy fashion. It took a late goal from left back Jonathan Bornstein to cap off a fierce rally in Washington D.C., earning a 2-2 draw with Costa Rica that – coupled with a surprising Mexico draw in Port of Spain against Trinidad & Tobago – saw the Yanks top the group. Incidentally, the Bornstein goal also allowed Honduras to qualify when allied with their positive result versus El Salvador. Expect many baby Jonathans’ spreading from San Pedro Sula to Tegucigalpa come July – his name was chanted in an around Estadio Olimpico Metropolitano.

Bob Bradley has a good spine to build on: Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore up front, Landon Donovan supporting, Michael Bradley paces the midfield, with Tim Howard in goal. Fairly settled at the back too – Oguchi Onyewu should be fit, with Steve Cherundolo, Carlos Bocanegra, Jay DeMerit, and Jonathan Spector lending loads of experience. Ricardo Clark, Jose Francisco Torres, Maurice Edu, and Bolton midfielder Stuart Holden, if his health is rude, are the balance of midfield candidates.

England should walk the group, leaving a tense tangle between three fairly even sides, irrespective of FIFA rankings, coefficients, and cold buffet consumption. How we stand up in the opening match may not matter, as long as we do the business against the Slovenians and Algerians. With the top contributions of Howard, Dempsey, Donovan – albeit briefly – and others in Europe’s top flight leagues, a solid finish in South Africa will placate the minds and perhaps even start a movement to abolish ‘soccer’, and adopt, gulp, real football.