Now the gaffer embarks on the laborious task of scouring the loan markets. The one or two strikers he had hoped to bring in will have to be those whelps, wonders and journeymen left off official 25 man rosters for the top two divisions. Nothing too expensive, unless the loan club is willing to subsidise a substantial portion safe in the knowledge their commodities will enjoy some flourishing, free-flowing football, for up to 93 days anyway. Below are 10 possible targets, rated on varying levels of probability…

Realistic

Luca Scapuzzi – Manchester City – striker – Italian – 20 –  eight years in the Milan youth set-up  - featured in the Dublin Super Cup, scoring against a League of Ireland XI and making bench in the City 0-3 against Inter

Oumare Tounkara – Sunderland – striker – French – 21 –  back from a decent spell at Oldham last season, scoring 7 goals in 44 appearances – offers exceptional size with some of the continetal flair Tony Mowbray has been known to appreciate

Casey Thomas – Swansea – striker – Welsh youth international at U17/U19/U21 – 20 – only 1 senior appearance, against us in our Champo bow back in August 2009 – lower league loans at Newport County and Port Talbot haven’t been too enriching for player or parent club – on the surface he may not be ready for semi-regular action at this level

Rob Hulse – QPR – striker/quintessential target man – English – 31 – previous rumoured target under Southgate and Strachan – work ethic and goal scoring is somewhat questionable – he’s an older Kris Boyd, and frankly superfluous in Boro’s preferred system

Roman Bednar – West Brom – striker/brute – Czech Republic – 28 – surprisingly named to the Premier League 25 man squad – he’s a handful on and off the pitch – cautioned for a minor drugs offence and suspended by the Baggies in May 2009 – back after spending the last 6 months in Turkey w/ Ankaragucu, which was the direct result of his nullifying an agreed move to Bristol City last January

Saido Berahino – West Brom – striker – Burundi born, now represents England at U20 level – 18 – scored a goal at the U20 world Cup in Colombia against the Aussies – he was dead chuffed over it

Ambitious

Harry Kane – Spurs – striker – English – 18 – good spell at Leyton Orient in the second half of 2010-11 – made his senior debut in Europa League reverse fixture against Hearts – won a penna, and failed to convert it – perhaps he’s not ready to leave the safe womb of London just yet

Callum McManaman – Wigan – striker – Scouse – 20 – kid is highly regarded by Roberto Martinez – offers versatility up front or out wide – distant relative of former Liverpool and Real Madrid favourite Steve McManaman, meaning he has post-career punditry deep in his DNA

Too Ambitious?

Simeon Jackson – Norwich City – striker – Canadian – 24 – a decent career goal scroring record: 93 in 237 at Rushden & Diamonds, Gillingham and the might Shopmates of Raunds Town – seemingly fourth choice behind Grant Holt, Steve Morison, and James Vaughan for Paul Lambert now – imagine him and Marvin Emnes abusing the stationary and limited centre backs that litter this division; a Dutchie and a Jamaican (by birth) blazing the grass beneath them

Adam Hammill – Wolves – winger – Scouse – 23 – creative left-sided player who can push forward to support up top – hot commodity in the January transfer window – Mick McCarthy got him for a pittance – first team opportunities could continue to dwindle with livewire Matt Jarvis and the ever-divisive Stephen Hunt ahead of him in the midfield pecking order

Newcastle

League position: 12th – 41 pts

Form: 16th

Remaining fixtures: Birmingham, Chelsea (a), West Brom

There’s no way they call balls this up, is there? Nah…well…nah…they’ll beat the Brummies…probably

Aston Villa

League position: 13th – 41 pts

Form: 10th

Remaining fixtures: Wigan, Arsenal (a), Liverpool

How sweet would it be for Gary McAllister – Boro destructionist Ginger Cunt’s number two – to crash this American flagged carrier into the jagged rocks? Eh, maybe we shouldn’t admonish him for getting the fuck out while he could…but Villa are balls deep in it now, and unless they find a way past Wigan Stewart Downing is gonna get the cold shakes all over again…

Sunderland

League position: 14th – 41 pts

Form: 18th

Remaining fixtures: Bolton (a), Wolverhampton, West Ham (a)

You can damn near compile a Sunderland starting XI just from those currently infirmed…at some stage a club on an absolutely wretched run has to get a break, but where could it lay for the Mackems? They’ll scrape a couple of draws and struggle away from the blast zone…

Birmingham

League position: 15th – 39 pts

Form: 12th

Remaining fixtures: Newcastle (a), Fulham, Tottenham

Beating Arsenal in the league cup final and qualifying for Europe is good for English football…getting relegated after winning a domestic trophy isn’t so good…especially if you’re Arsene Wenger…turning over Fulham is the target from this perspective…do that and they can parade around the backwaters of Europe proudly

Blackburn

League position: 16th – 38 pts

Form: 15th

Remaining fixtures: West Ham (a), Man Utd, Wolverhampton

Blackburn will cock it up against Wolves on the final day and get relegated (there’s a 22% chance of that coming even remotely true)

Blackpool

League position: 17th – 35 pts

Form: 19th

Remaining fixtures: Tottenham (a), Bolton, Man Utd (a)

It’s been wildly entertaining; Ian Holloway has been a breath of fresh sound byte for the World’s Greatest League© and its constituents…at least the mandatory upgrades to Bloomfield Road will be paid off…can’t see them getting anything in London or Manchester…and that Bolton match could finish 5-5

Wigan

League position: 18th – 35 pts

Form: 11th

Remaining fixtures: Aston Villa (a), West Ham, Stoke (a)

Lose at Villa Park this weekend and Wigan are going back down, some 6 years overdue…Roberto Martinez will get the sack, all the disparate young whippets will be auctioned off, and the dust won’t settle until thudding into League One

Wolves

League position: 19th – 34 pts

Form: 17th

Remaining fixtures: West Brom, Sunderland (a), Blackburn

Here’s how it’s gonna happen: beat West Brom, then draw at the Stadium of Light, and save an almighty bollocking for chickenfuckers Blackburn…7 points in the last 9 to defy the detractors…flippin ‘eck indeed

West Ham

League position: 20th – 32 pts

Form: 20th

Remaining fixtures: Blackburn, Wigan (a), Sunderland

Get Bellevue on the phone right now: West Ham will run the table and finish 16th! Admittedly the premise is as one-dimensional and flaccid as Gold/Sullivan production Hostile Bendover, starring Carlton Pole and Sian Massive, the 76FFFF endowed head of referees – look at the final set of matches…it couldn’t have been conceived any more fortuitously, climbing over the decomposing corpses of Blackburn and Wigan, letting them live to Wank Another Day, coming this summer

The final table, as seen through perverted eyes…

12. Newcastle

13. Aston Villa

14. Sunderland

15. Birmingham

16. West Ham

17. Wolves

18. Blackburn

19. Blackpool

20. Wigan

It’s quite wishful, almost too much so, but fuck it – Wigan go down after finishing bottom, joined by Blackburn and Blackpool. The latter raises hopes of a weekend fixture to compliment a lovely seaside getaway – not another Tuesday night in February please…

The virtual atmosphere was so casual we actually considered toggling something else, instead of the alt-tabbing between the live blog, BBC, the Saturday clockwatch, and West Ham/Wigan en espanol. We saved it for long afterwards, fearing the dulling, desensitising effect it would have on our orgasmic joy.

Some Boro bullets in lieu of regular match notes – memo to minuscule regional internet radio operation: a large percentage of your listenership is down to Boro supporters outside the local catchment area – broadcast the fucking matches instead of your foul brand of benign Europop, even if it’s a dead rubber…

• So Gary O’Neil is alarmed by the gulf in class – nothing perceived about it – between Boro and the top two in the Championship, West Bromwich Albion and Newcastle. Failure to get points off either – in relegation and promotion battles alike – might be the perfect illustration. Two points. Out of twenty-four. Versus WBA: 0 wins – 0 draws – 4 losses / 11 goals conceded / 0 goals scored. And Newcastle: 0 wins – 2 draws – 2 losses / 7 goals conceded / 3 goals scored. What else is there to say Gary?

• Lamb on the run! Middlesbrough’s chief executive took to his imaginary throne in the BBC Radio Tees studio. Here his spin, in every convoluted sense of the word:

1. The it’s-never-too-early-to-get-promoted notion? Against it -
2. We’ll be the best resourced club next season – he backs off a bit later – one of the top-resourced clubs…ahem
3. So revisionist – he attempts to berate a caller illustrating how the region has soured under his recent stewardship. Cup runs, European finals, top half finishes, football under Bryan Robson, the big spending era currently dooming the club to financial prudence…yes, all his doing…and the town was happy
4. ‘Define the word sanction’ – used to describe his role in the Alves episode. This particular chap merely wanted to know the power structure for such a critically bad transaction – all he got was the bombast of a well-educated, strangely confident trapped rodent.

• Luke Williams will be a man. The Teesville tyro is getting his advanced footballing ‘birds and bees’ under Gordo and the rest of the senior team. Some good touches and the seeds of intelligent runs displayed in the first 45 mins of his starting first team bow. This kid might be bigger than the parmo, and virtually everyone is pulling for him.

• The highlight of the season? Fantastic supporters – anchored by this lot

• We know no off-season – reviews of pre-season prognostications, dissecting this season like the cheap biology lab frog it was, deep stretching for WC 2010 S Africa, and so much more of the decent effort tinged w/ haphazard finishing this space has become…

With midseason transfer business usually dragging until the end of the term, the club endeavour to continue vetting targets. Lately we’ve heard Leon Best from Coventry – scorer of a wonder goal v Pompey in their FA Cup replay earlier this week – and Wes Hoolahan of Norwich, an assiduous winger, ideal as a replacement for Adam Johnson should he naff off to Sunderland or Everton. Throw in a spot of QPR’s Wayne Routledge and you have enough chum to hold the baying mob, temporarily at least. Though descriptions of old Wayne as a ‘combo midfielder who can play upfront’ invoke inherent hatred derived from similar failed experiments – see exhibits Aliadiere, Emnes, and/or Tuncay.

Collectively, it’s enough to stimulate hope. There’s a distinct outline in the new vision – more spine, steel, focus, and discipline – less faffing about w/ pretty passing and precision movement, because we simply haven’t the resources or personnel to implement it. And Gordon Strachan keeps getting managerial work not just for his acerbic wit, but because his austere system that emphasises grinding and plodding and fighting really does work.

The promised loan activity has stalled, rather predictably given the state of affairs: Sean St Ledger reportedly failed his medical – a knee injury picked up while on international duty w/ the Republic of Ireland didn’t prevent playing subsequently for both club and country, but for some reason Boro fail to see the security of a loan move completely independent from a prospective permanent January deal; the Khizanishvili loan from Blackburn has been put on the back burner…plan B if St Ledger falls through? We say yes; James Vaughan and Sam Vokes have been offered up and again, we’ve failed to snap off the respective hands of Everton and Wolves, for reasons still unknown – Vaughan, though injury-prone, has been reared at a first-class club w/ solid management – ever wonder where we’d be if Steve Round was appointed head coach after McClaren left? He’s just as hungry as a young Vokes looking to make an imprint on Mick McCarthy, or any other Premier League gaffer looking for reinforcements…

Wednesday up next…we’ll endeavour to stay atop this football whirlwind

The visit to Stamford Bridge was win-win actually…everyone expects us to get stomped – alternatively, get any sort of result and suddenly the spotlight of struggle and mediocrity finds another of the bottom dwellers. The formation and approach suggested Gareth would put 10 quid on a 0-0, if morally acceptable. Boro bet they could soak up pressure as opposed to putting their opposition under it. Marlon King got the expected debut – and the results were less than magical. The best service offered him was dummied at the top of the area…strangely microcosmal, surely…

We made it to half-time on even terms, largely due to the litany of revolting free kicks and corners from Frank Lampard. Chelsea players hit the turf and play halted – our attackers were felled in equal numbers, only to spur a fast counter down the other end. And like the old adage, Chelsea walked by once too often before finally getting a haircut – they opened the scoring via a set-piece. Salomon Kalou tidying up a messy ball in the area right past a hapless Ross Turnbull. He made up for earlier profligacy, while also continuing a run of scoring v Boro – 2 on the trot…he tallied during the 5-0 mauling in October. Kalou got another later on, right before a substitution that clearly happened too late…this time he was unmolested, Turnbull flapping wildly and coming up empty on another Lampard corner kick.

The decision to bring on Tuncay and Alves simultaneously could have been profitable had we not already been behind. Again, tactics and strategy…dodgy decisions? And why do we continue giving up goals off of set-pieces? Our gaffer was an English international defender…pretty effing good too, spot kicks aside. Let’s hope he conjures a plan B in the next 5 days – the rhetoric that our players are good enough to right the ship is slowing morphing into horseshit. But even if the cash is made available, do we have enough confidence our scouting network can identify the right talent? It’s been right shifty thus far. Let’s not even mention Marvin Emnes – management is under the impression he is available for cup duty only.

Boro Stem the Road Rot

04 Oct – JJB Staduim – Wigan, Lancashire

Nearly 10 months since a proper result away from County Durham…4 losses on the bounce, including a disheartening defeat at Fortress Riverside to top flight new boys West Brom. A recharged and in-form Wigan side still bouncing from a 2-1 win over Abu Dhabi Cit-eh. Prospects were grim for Boro, with the international break looming to ruminate over predictable missed opportunities and lapses of concentration; Chelsea on the other side of that interval…a result was in dire order.

Injuries continued to haunt our already thin side; Robert Huth out with leg knack, hip gah for Andrew Taylor. Compounded by the suspension to Emmanuel Pogatetz, Gate summoned an early loan return from Jonathan Grounds to fill out a makeshift backline. Their graft would be needed to deal with Egyptian international Amr Zaki and the resurgent Emile Heskey forming a burgeoning partnership for the Latics.

For the first 20 minutes the Wigan bulls up front pressed Boro, creating chances and magnifying our deficiencies. Boro’s attack was anonymous with Afonso Alves and Mido bereft of any midfield service or support from the flanks. Zaki left little doubt to as why he was rated as one of the worlds top rated strikers for reigning African Cup champs Egypt and club side El Zamalek. Wilson Palacios peppered Ross Turnbull’s goal with tame efforts. Stockton born Lee Cattermole was exerting himself against his boyhood side, desperate to signal to Gate and Gibbo that a lack of confidence in his ability to marshall the Boro midfield was an incorrect inclination. Still, at the break it was 0-0, with Wigan shining brighter and Boro clutching on. A decent shout for a penalty for the Boro on 31 minutes fell on deaf ears as Chris Riggott was felled by Titus Bramble in the box during a Gary O’Neill corner.

The second half started more tame; a few odd chances for the Boro, but with Alves on his own up top and Mido barreling around midfield as a rover, Boro resorted to Stoke tactics, hoofing the ball upfield awaiting a breakdown at the Wigan backline. Ross Turnbull called into duty more and more due to intrusion from the Welsh international sub Jason Koumas…Emile Heskey with a gilt edged chance, blocked successfully by David Wheater…Henri Camara denied by an onrushing Turnbull. Another penalty shout for the Boro as Paul Scharner incredulously trapped a ball in the box with his upper body. Referee Martin Atkinson was unfazed. This was gearing towards a draw inside 10 mins left…a point Boro and the support would gladly snatch. But as the added time was anticipated, substitute Didier Digard offered the best service of the match for the away side, a lollipop into the box from the right, nodded down by Stewart Downing, controlled by Jeramie Aliadiere, who shook his marker and fired past a helpless Chris Kirkland. That. Was. Absolutely. Huge. GOAL for the Boro. The away support rewarded for their jaunt across the Pennines. Boro were able to avert past last minute disasters and disappointments by controlling the injury time to complete what Wigan gaffer Steve Bruce termed ‘a mugging’.

Undeserved away wins. The absolute best kind. Boro sails. Gate offers an animated series of fist pumps to the away support, and I’m sure the Red contingent watching from all corners of the globe. Good sides win ugly…

Disclaimer…the eye to a Guardian style comprehensive minute by minute coverage was derailed at the break by lunch (a lovely proscuitto and roasted peppers on a demi baguette). And the post-match fag was the tastiest of the day!

Back with more during the week…news on England/Kazakhstan and other WCQs, fallout from a huge EPL Sunday, the Barca tonking of Atletico Madrid 6-1 and more La Liga…