What better time then to measure the remnants, reel off the rejects, and fawn over who we think Gibbo should be cutting summer transfer checks to?

Strachan’s Spine

Barry Robson – a man by which all others should be measured

Scott McDonald – gratefully, for us anyway, cut loose from Aussie national team before World Cup 2010…he can get fit w/ us and do the business next season

Steve McManus – still on loan from Celtic, Mick cancelled his New York holiday w/ the missus to join boot camp…everyone knows we want him permanently

Faithful Men

Chris Killen - a valuable target man…leading the Kiwi line in SA

Willo Flood – Vic says he looks like a product of an Irn Bru and crisps diet…we say a buzzing badass who can badger and harass the opposition

Emanuel Pogatetz – not under contract, but Gordo loves his leadership…he’ll have to take a massive pay cut to stay though

Brad Jones – can he shake the laughingstock label? probably not – some folks will never come around, but he did turn in some commanding performances after the recall…

Danny Coyne - didn’t really do anything wrong…was solid virtually every time called upon…scapegoated for the Derby display…still a competent deputy

Get To Know Them Better

Tony McMahon - foot injury torpedoed his audition for the new gaffer…surely he’ll love Macca’s grit the same way most supporters do?

Matthew Bates – fragility will be his undoing…decent player, and versatile…sadly he’s flimsier than the slinky top Lindsay Lohan donned in her recent court appearance

Seb Hines – is it just us, or has he played pretty well whenever called upon in the last three-plus years? he’s a tad dainty though too…

Testicles Are Descending

Jonathan Franks – love his pace…really developing as an exciting, attacking winger

Luke Williams – tremendous potential…we’ve said it before: everyone is pulling for this kid

Rhys Williams – a stalwart by comparison, being the first choice right back for Oz and all…really tidy in our midfield

Andy Halliday – a coup of sorts – we beat off some serious Prem competition for the lad…here’s hoping the assembly line of Livi talent continues

We’d Love To, But…

David Wheater – the rampant interest in Craig Dawson leads many to speculate Wheats can be had…it’s evolving into another Cattermole situation; get the lad away from the pressures of playing for his local pro club? hopefully not…unless we could trouser £5-6m for him

Gary O’Neil - free from the escalator clause shackles – we say he’s really available…like  that friend of your missus in from out of town, looking for a great guy because she has a schedule and everything…and sex on a first date happens sometimes….

Leroy Lita – don’t forget your top…

Justin Hoyte – duped by Voyeur again!

Jonathan Grounds – young…English…young…that’s about it

Julio Arca – you had a great run in the north-east of England mate…now go on back to Velez Sarsfield or something

Andrew Taylor – he has non-football ventures…good for him

Didier Digard – we like him…he is a bit of a pussy though

Joe Bennett – despite all the promise and ability, his auditions in both the left back and left midfield berths were largely woeful…how many more chances has he got?

Josh Walker – comments after a decent performance against Peterborough at home were painfully succinct: he doubts he has a future here

Not Gordo’s Type

Jeremie Aliadiere – more fragile than the Greek economy, just what is it he excels at? falling over and dreadful decision making top our list…

Chris Riggott – committed professional, until asked to take a pay cut…one of the last links to Eindhoven…

Marvin Emnes – 12 years into our Pro Evo franchise – working on a 4th straight league title thank you very much – and he’s still banging them in for Sparta Rotterdam…his form on the upcoming Bundesliga Zwei themed soccer sim should be scintillating

The Riddle Wrapped In A Mystery Flaky Pastry Crust, Drenched In Enigma

Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid…Mido – rumour has it he’ll come back if no better offers are unearthed…we can’t see it…we can see McAllister and Pendrey park-benching him in training and Gordo raining blows on the husky malcontent…

Objects Of Affection

Craig Dawson – player of the season in League Two after helping Rochdale to their first promotion in aeons…initial offer of £750k knocked back

Garry Kenneth – Dundee Utd defensive midfielder that new boss Peter Houston is determined to hold on to…or at least force us to pay inflated fees

Craig Conway – the sexier of the Dundee Utd duo…25 year old winger who can add much needed depth and experience in MF…

Gary Hooper – Scunthorpe goal ace is still being tracked by several clubs…maybe just one more season of copious goals at this level though to be entirely certain he’s the real thing

Kevin Thomson – Rangers hard man – not very attack-minded: 4 goals in 151 league appearances…thank you Walter Smith for rejecting our recent overtures

Go On, Give ‘Em A Bell

Robert Koren - knows what it takes to get out of this league (and sadly how to get relegated straight back)…captain of Slovenia, classy midfielder…we’d have at least texted him already

Daniel Bogdanovic – Maltese goal falcon…14 goals for Barnsley this past season…ideal cover for Mac, don’t you think?

Liam Lawrence – a stretch for sure, especially after a bright display in the Ireland/Paraguay friendly earlier this week…thoughts of a Robbo/Lawro midfield already give us tingles in our trousers…probably won’t happen though….Mick McCarthy is slicking his hair and straightening his tie in advance to woo the lad…

The run up to the next installment of the Tyne-Tees derby evokes unconceivable pain. Newcastle is going straight back up to the Premier League, rendering all the pleasure and consolation derived from mutual relegation quite nugatory. Who went back up the quickest was always meant to trump any of the casual prodding doled out to the Geordies who thought they were too big to fail. Our prognostications – historically miles off as they are – had us finishing second and gaining automatic promotion. For what it’s worth, Cardiff won the league and Forest the playoffs in our pre-season predictor. That 33% success rate would place us ahead of the two most recent gaffers…maybe it isn’t so hopeless after all?

Our Arsenal supporting mate had all sorts of unsavoury things to say after we procured the services one Tuncay Sanli back in the summer of 2007. He instantly became a personal favourite after this ever-so-reliable scouting tool tantalysed us with unyielding class. The parochial miasma subsided enough since those halcyon days to make us at least tacitly agree w/ some of those nasty assertions – the Turk and his people are suing the club for lack of payment over perceived image rights totaling somewhere in the neighbourhood of £544,000…fucking Ricardo Fuller understudy!

The Willo Flood Appreciation Society is in tatters – the Irish terrier is set for a spell on the sidelines w/ a knee issue suffered at Cardiff. Fortunately Rhys Williams is back after a pelvic injury, so expect him to be thrust into the vacated position in the Boro midfield…

Gary O’Neil reckons we can still negotiate the warren separating us from the current playoff positions…a bit early for that Thursday rally war cry, eh?

Saturday heralded another despondent performance in an ever-diminishing string of must-win matches absolutely required to stay in this current playoff hunt. Defeat at Cardiff expanded the gap between Boro and 6^th place by 5 points – and the Bluebirds still have two games in hand. Some openly dream of more HMRC bother for the Welsh club that would tragically result in a points deduction. Others sit expectantly for their ‘annual playoff bottle job’. Whatever happens to Dave Jones and his players they will remain a constant reminder of our own failures and deficiencies.

For reasons unknown to us – and the players themselves per David Wheater in his post-match interview – Boro failed to turn on at the outset and seize upon their vulnerable hosts. Chairman and manager at loggerheads. Haven’t won in 3 matches. Missing SIX first team regulars. Without a financial pot to piss in. We were the quick tonic as Jay Bothroyd exploited a dazed defence to tap in the only goal 3 minutes from the opening whistle. The uphill slog was too great. The frenzied approach adopted in the second half proved entertaining and promising, but ultimately unfulfilling. All the hard work and endeavour punished by a disallowed goal – David Wheater’s leveler in the 60^th minute negated for an incredulous hand ball on Leroy Lita. The supposition from the linesman who commanded the call being LL knocked it on w/ his hand before Wheats rose to deposit in the net. No ebullient remonstrating after the match though from Gordo – his busy paw should have never been up to begin with…

We tapped into the state-of-the-art media installations at the new Cardiff City Stadium and followed the live blog w/ AV – aural fixation quenched w/ a vociferous dose of an Ali GG Snakebite. We took notes whilst thinking what Betsan Powys was up to:

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Taylor; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Arca; Aliadiere, Lita

• Nothing inspiring about the starting XI – no Mac or Killen – the size of Lee Miller wasted again on the bench
• Cardiff ease their tumult in early fashion – some woeful Boro defending allows Gabor Gyepes to nod on a lofted cross from Darcy Blake on the left – Jay Bothroyd is at the far post to tap in – Cardiff 1-0 Boro – 3 minutes
• Early haze fuelled by the opener – Boro produce nothing attacking for the first 17 minutes or so – ‘haven’t done enough’ says the expert summariser Gary Gill
• Andrew Taylor back in the side – his alert header in a recovery role on 35 minutes does just enough to stifle another home side attack punctuated by a lurking Chris Burke
• We have been total shit – paraphrasing of course…
• Leroy Lita is actually finding himself in interesting positions, but this sortie ends immediately upon conceding possession far too easily deep in the Bluebirds box
• Chris Killen made it back from the Rose Bowl! He joins the action on 40 minutes as Jeremie Aliadiere makes way…his injury should be historically viewed as irrelevant to the change as he too is complete cack
• Penalty karma still on the side of the Boro late on in the first half – Chris Burke terrorises again, brought down flagrantly by GON – a certain pen…of course he sees a yellow card for simulation…what anti-Teesside bias?
• HT – Cardiff 1-0 Boro
• Mark Drury’s report includes ‘anemic display’…’lacking vitality’…get those men some vitamin boost and/or some of those instant hard-on pills
• The JA injury – later revealed as a broken toe – was appropriated by none other than Stephen McManus
• GG – tell the players again that there is an awful lot at stake today…roll up your sleeves and have a go…show us it means something to you…a loss today signals the end of realistic playoff ambitions
• Last Boro win in Cardiff? 1970 – a 4-3 result…this is the first visit to the new Cardiff City Stadium
• Boro start the half brightly – Tayls provides a decent ball into the box for LL, but alas he only scores w/ the little head between his legs – this effort from 7 yards is criminally off target
• Our Iron Man Willo pulls up lame – some left knee knack for the Irishman – he eventually comes off to end  string of 10 straight matches playing the full 90 – Rhys Williams replaces him for his first action since Boxing Day – 52 minutes
• Boro get their leveler!! David Wheater heads home after a Barry Robson free kick…until the linesman spots an incredulous hand ball offense on LL and waves it off…ludicrous
• More from GG re: the disallowed goal – this ridiculous linesman spots a hand ball from 35 yards away, in a crowd of players? The referee has to be in a better position
• Yellow card madness ensued – Robbo picked up one with – after much back and forth and questionable confirmation – Leroy Lita
• The little striker links again w/ Tayls – LL fed deep, rolling Anthony Gerrard and compelling a reflex save from David Marshall
• Robbo robbed – GON crosses nicely and it’s a crisp strike – important save from Marshall
• Killen next! A looping header the end result of a ball from the right delivered by Kyle Naughton – tipped away
• More Marshall heroics: GON has a go from a free kick 40 yards out – it dips and swerves towards the open net until the last moment – what a half from a man jettisoned to Norwich when Gordo gaffered up north
• FT – Cardiff 1-0 Boro
• GG MOM – Barry Robson
• It was a ‘lunatic linesman’ robbing us of a point, at least – so many chances in that second half – Cardiff were rocking and there for the taking
• Mark Drury w/ Wheats post match: we don’t know why we can’t string 2 good halves together – attitude toward the playoffs is still positive…it has to be
• Final thoughts from GG: we are competing at this level, just not scoring the goals to back it up – Scott McDonald will get those goals – is there enough time for him to make an impact

7000 tits from Newcastle shall be on display Saturday in what could be the last Tees-Tyne derby for some time…

It was a good ole Clashing on the live blog. A return to fitness by the enigmatic Mosso Cloudfiles stimulated a celebration of some of the best, relevant bite-size prose culled from the catalogues of the only band that matters. Ali Brownlee and Gary Gill provided support from a remote control – here’s what our smuggled-in-our-budgie-smugglers recording device captured:

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus, Pogatetz; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Aliadiere; Lita, Killen

• No Scott McDonald – residual pain from the previous groin niggle he tried playing through – Lita/Killen up front
• Congratulations Emanuel Pogatetz- recalled to Austrian national side…Boro will have 4 on international duty this week: Killen/Robson/Naughton join Pogi
• Mark Drury captivated by the ‘dead-eyest’ look of consternation from Mick Harford
• Kaspars Gorkss using a volleyball motion on the pitch – a sure hand ball that goes unpunished…the sheepish looks from the QPR bench confirms his complicity in the infraction
• QPR very organized in the midfield w/ a bank of five – sound in their positions, influencing the match – Leigertwood especially
• JA still not inspiring any confidence – continues to get chances…sweet eff all results…
• Until now! Fouled by Peter Ramage in the box – questionable maybe, but who cares? Barry Robson wrests the ball the LL and powers the pen down the middle…Boro 1-0 QPR!! 39 mins
• And again! Leroy is clotheslined by Kaspars Gorkss in the box deep into stoppage time – Robson again – YES!!!! Boro 2-0 QPR
• HT – Boro 2-0 QPR…from Mark Drury – Mick Harford hoping to have a quite word w/ referee Andy Woolmer…phrases like ‘look of thunder’ and ‘glowering’ certainly sound menacing…
• 2^nd half – QPR revert to a 4-4-2…Simpson and Antonio German join together up front
• Bright start to the half – Pogi joining the attack from the left flank and serving up a delightful ball that causes some bother in the Rangers box
• Gordo imploring JA to take on his marker(s) – classic French insouciance as a reply…
• ‘Barry Robson…stand still!’ is the sanitised version of the command barked from the gaffer
• Adel Taarabt joins the action and immediately tests Danny Coyne w/ a dipping, swerving effort from 25 yards – save
• Marcus Bent almost further validates the dynamic of former players scoring against the Boro by sticking the ball in the back of the net – fortunately he’s offside
• Carl Ikeme stands tall for his loan club – the Wolves keeper does well to repel both LL and GON late in the match to preserve the tame scoreline
• GG MOM – Stephen McManus – Mick and Wheats are forming quite the defensive pairing
• FT – Boro 2-0 QPR

We hold on, results go our way, and next week in Cardiff becomes absolutely massive…

Billy Davies couldn’t have been serious? A matter of time before you scored? Really? The dereliction of duty committed by Leroy Lita for not playing to the whistle was really the only accelerant for a super-charged move that resulted in the goal. Sure, Radoslaw Majewski clipped the bar w/ a delightful free kick…and Robert Earnshaw was certainly menacing at times, however we did enjoy long spells of the ball. Unfortunately we created fuck all w/ it. Nothing clear cut despite some late desperation salvos from Pogi/Stephen McManus/Leroy Lita – all finding either a crude clearance or the safety of Forest keeper Lee Camp.

 We took a visit to the local ‘exotic dance’ club for a slice of good fortune. All the good it got us was waking up surprisingly not hung over from the strawberry margaritas – the secret ingredient is extra tequila – for a virtual rendezvous w/ BBC Radio Tees…portable parmo aficionado Ali Brownlee and Gary Gill instead of she’s-a-struggling-student-and-a-good-kid Kayla from Riverside County…balls!

Coyne; Naughton, Wheater, McManus , Pogatetz; Flood, O’Neil, Robson, Arca; Aliadiere, McDonald

• Still no Killen, so why is Lee Miller – ineffectual as he may be – on the bench?
• GON toughing it out…Pogi too after a late fitness test
• Majestic Majewski forces Danny Coyne to full stretch! Superb free kick may have gotten a slight touch, but it clips the crossbar and out for goal kick
• Boro respond w/ prolonged pressure – Arca shoots artfully from 20 yards – corner – pinged around the box…plenty of good touches…Forest agitated for sure
• Aliadiere getting into good positions, but Gary Gill sums it up expertly: you never feel he’s going to score
• Boro seeking first win @ City Ground since 1999
• Steve Agnew – remarkably still employed – predicted to Ali earlier this week that the team will be rewarded for their hard work and dedication on set pieces in recent training
• Good reasons for Gordo to be pleased – organized, assertive, attacking – but he’s not…we edged the half and really deserved something – HT Forest 0-0 Boro
• Penetrative reporting from Mark Drury: the gaffer really lost his rag at the end of the half – the final free kick was shambolic in every aspect – Forest have reinforcement options if needed…subs are warming up at the beginning of the break
• 2^nd half – Forest unbeaten at home since 19 Sep 09 to Pool 0-1
• Tame first 15 minutes – Chris Gunter has the first real crack in the 61^st minute – not too troubling – goal kick
• GG: a good challenge or two is just as effective as a goal in getting the crowd energized
• Forest get their goal – Lita stopped playing, the home side broke free – Majewski squares it – Chris Cohen meets it to sweep into the net – Forest 1-0 Boro – 72 min
• Robust ovation for Robert Earnshaw – off for David McGoldrick
• Leroy Lita attempts to atone w/ a venomous shot from absolutely nowhere! Tipped out by Camp
• Crazy final 10 mins – flurry of activity from Boro…corner after corner…Pogi smashed a goalbound effort that was saved…Forest break…McKenna we think sprinting into the box and down…no pen!
• Real frenetic stuff – Forest deploy their ‘absolute beast’… Dele Adebola
• 4 mins added – most of it uneventful – final 45 secs sees Danny Coyne come forward for a shit corner from GON – the subsequent free kick too – Leroy again…rolls his marker…wicked shot…effing saved by Camp’s knees…it’s later speculated that had he gone down amidst the robust challenge from Wes Morgan he could have maybe earned a penalty…
• FT Forest 1-0 Boro – one switch off…no clear cut chances…a lack of professionalism…
• GG MOM – Wheats

QPR bring their sideshow north Saturday – Warnock has a mate who might have booked a room already…

Chests were puffed ahead of the trip to Blackpool – Boro’s first since 1987. Or maybe it was the absolutely requisite anoraks needed to shield from the elements at the open end of Bloomfield Road? This type of positivity hasn’t been on display since Gordon Strachan’s first match in charge v Plymouth, and that ended not so well. Ian Holloway and his ‘very professional’ group again yanked Boro out of the lower reaches of the stratosphere w/ another convincing win 2-0. The sad part is that it should’ve been worse. Not to say the visitors didn’t squander sufficient opportunities: two missed sitters from Jeremie Aliadiere, a blown penalty by Scott McDonald, failure to punish a side down to 10 men for over 30 minutes, an incompetent referee who fails to send off another Pool player for similar offences. Ailments that accompany an affliction known as typical Boro…

Chucked a sickie to catch the action live w/ BBC Radio Tees, the effects microphones catching the 1200 or so brave souls who traversed to the Lancashire coast…on a Tuesday…in February. Makes being sat in an urban condo in the American Southwest terribly unjust…for us! Some of the best fish and chips in the country so we hear…

• Four changes to the side – Hoyte/Grounds/GON/Aliadiere…Aliadiere??
• In what turned out to be a horrible portend, Gordon Strachan assists a lil Boro mascot out to the centre circle to meet Gary O’Neil
• Pool start w/ a 4-3-3 – Keith Southern/Charlie Adam/David Vaughan anchor the MF
• First chance falls to Boro – Willo Flood slices the Tangerines deliciously w/ a pass – JA gets on the end but cuts inside an onrushing defender, thus completely ballsing up a glorious scoring chance
• Scott McDonald vociferous – not getting the right kind of service and letting anyone who cares know it
• Pool ratchet up the pressure – DJ Campbell connects w/a prescient Charlie Adam pass – his move is splendidly blocked by David Wheater
• That goal was coming – just after the Campbell intervention Wheats is left out to dry by a dodgy Willo Flood back header – Brett Ormerod pounces and cooly slots past Danny Coyne – Pool 1 – 0 Boro
• GON remonstrates about a missed hand ball in the Pool area – wouldn’t be the last shout
• Why can’t McDonald get one of these chances that JA is up to his up to his camembert in – the Frenchie does better this time around though, angling in on a ball from J Franks and doing something better…getting a shot off
• Blackpool close the half w/ an assault on Danny Coyne – Gary Taylor-Fletcher gets the last lash before HT
• A right bollocking at the half? Julio Arca is on for Jonathan Franks
• First evidence of refereeing incompetence: JA fouled by Charlie Adam – he’s the last defender, should be sent off…gets a yellow
• Moments later…RED CARD!! Lumbering centre half Rob Edwards does the same exact thing to Scott McDonald…a proper professional foul…Blackpool down to 10 men… dangerous free kick wasted by GON
• ‘Hellish ding-donging’ going on between the team benches per Mark Drury
• JA + nice pass from GON = utter rubbish header straight at keeper…from 18 yards out!!!
• 25 minutes left and Gordo goes for it – Lee Miller on – Jonathan Grounds off – tough night for Groundsy
• More evidence of refereeing incompetence: GON is fouled in the area clearly – no dice; then an effing hand ball! Nothing. Outrageous.
• Evidence of refereeing incompetence tempered w/ a common sense make up call: 82 mins -Barry Robson is fouled in the box – softish, but we’ve seen them given for much less…tomfoolery about who takes the bleeding spot kick…Robson? JA? McDonald? YES PLEASE. He does…and doesn’t convert. A decent save, but still…
• 5 minutes added – Pool make it nugatory after DJ Campbell taps in for the second…2-0 Blackpool…done the double over us for the first time ever we think…
• GG MOM – Stephen McManus – no arguments…solid and commanding
• Gordo did all the post-match talking – players off limits…w/ Mark Drury he uses the phrase ‘very professional’ an unhealthy amount to describe the home side…

Forest Saturday…

With midseason transfer business usually dragging until the end of the term, the club endeavour to continue vetting targets. Lately we’ve heard Leon Best from Coventry – scorer of a wonder goal v Pompey in their FA Cup replay earlier this week – and Wes Hoolahan of Norwich, an assiduous winger, ideal as a replacement for Adam Johnson should he naff off to Sunderland or Everton. Throw in a spot of QPR’s Wayne Routledge and you have enough chum to hold the baying mob, temporarily at least. Though descriptions of old Wayne as a ‘combo midfielder who can play upfront’ invoke inherent hatred derived from similar failed experiments – see exhibits Aliadiere, Emnes, and/or Tuncay.

Collectively, it’s enough to stimulate hope. There’s a distinct outline in the new vision – more spine, steel, focus, and discipline – less faffing about w/ pretty passing and precision movement, because we simply haven’t the resources or personnel to implement it. And Gordon Strachan keeps getting managerial work not just for his acerbic wit, but because his austere system that emphasises grinding and plodding and fighting really does work.